When guys tell you they aren't very active on the dating apps, is it usually just a line to get you to trust them? or can it be genuine?

[caputo77]

This has come up with the past two guys I’ve dated (I am a 28 y/o female). Both of them on the first or second date told me some variation of the same thing about them not really using the apps very much. Guy number one told me he just likes to focus on getting to know one person at a time. Guy number two told me he just doesn’t use them very much in general and his date with me was his first online date in over a year. In both cases, this was UNSOLICITED (i.e., I did not ask nor did I hint that I wanted to know anything about their OLD activities at that early point). 

 

With guy #1, I didn’t really know what to say when he told me on the second date that I was the only one he was talking to. I tend to be the same way (I like to focus on one person at a time), but I don’t necessarily like to show all my cards right away when it comes to that. However, after he continued to bring it up over the next couple of dates I just figured what the heck and said “well, since you keep bringing this up, shall we just be exclusive now then and focus on getting to know each other?” He agreed and when we opened our apps to delete them, his conversation with me was indeed the only one still in there. We dated for about three months after that, but unsurprisingly it turns out he was kind of love bombing me. I originally thought it was going fast because it was “right”, but in hindsight can see he probably just enjoyed the validation he got from pretending I was his girlfriend for a little while. After two months when real communication needed to start happening, he completely withdrew. I kept trying with him for another month, but I could tell he was slow-fading and by the three month mark when I brought up moving towards a defined relationship, he suddenly “wasn’t ready” despite lots of big meaningless talk about that in the beginning. Obviously we did not continue to see each other after that, but I learned a lot from that experience. 

 

This was a few months ago, and now I have just started seeing guy #2. There have been a few other guys in between that didn’t pan out beyond 1-2 dates. Towards the end of my very first date with guy #2, he drops the line that he isn’t very into online dating, he doesn’t use the apps very much, and I was the first person he was excited about in over a year and therefore the first date he’d been on in over a year. Based on my prior experience I was somewhat wary. However, the date was really good and I was interested in seeing him again. Since then, he has initiated and planned three more dates (so we’ve now been on four dates over three weeks) and they’ve all been very fun and he seems genuinely very interested in getting to know me. He has not exhibited any other lovebombing behaviors and I have felt comfortable and happy with the pace of things so far (e.g., we mostly just text to make plans instead of being in constant communication between dates, we’re averaging 1-2 dates a week and are scheduling around our other pre-existing obligations instead of dropping everything for each other, etc….things I messed up with guy #1). However, he has continued to mention his limited dating app activity and seems to want to reassure me that he’s focused on me (again, without me asking). It has made me uncomfortable because of how things panned out with guy #1, and also because this time around I am really challenging myself to keep my options open and continue having conversations and going on dates with other men until I feel more confident that this could go in a serious direction. I am not a good liar, so when he brings up this topic it becomes apparent that I am still keeping my options open, and then I feel bad and like I need to reassure HIM that I am happy dating with him and quite interested in seeing where it goes. He has never seemed upset about the fact that I am still going on other dates and has made it clear that he fully understands and respects that it’s early and even though he’s not going on tons of dates and he likes me, it’s obviously none of his business if I decide to keep seeing other people at this stage. It’s been a little weird because it’s almost like what a conversation would sound like leading into establishing exclusivity but he never takes it there, because he seems to think it’s too soon for that. Which I agree, but then I don’t understand why he continues to bring this up then. 

 

I am thinking about this today because we were supposed to go on our fifth date this afternoon, but he cancelled on me due to being sick. He seemed genuine, apologized, and said he was disappointed because he had been excited to see me. He has also already offered to reschedule for later this week when he feels better. However, I just felt kind of weird about it because he had already been kind of noncommittal when we were originally making the plans, changed the time around a couple of times, then texted me to cancel only a couple of hours before. We were supposed to meet at 1:00 pm and he cancelled at 9:30 am…reasonable if he randomly woke up sick, but also feels somewhat abrupt. 

 

I realized I was feeling anxious about it because my brain jumped to the possibility that he went on a date last night and it went well and lasted into the morning and now he’s juggling girls. I hate jumping into an insecure place like that. But I realized, part of why I’m jumping there is because he’s already been so adamant that he’s not really seeing other people, so even though it’s still obviously within his rights to see other people since we are NOT exclusive, I am realizing I would be kind of pissed if he WAS seeing other people since he has gone out of his way to bring this up so many times. So regardless of whether he’s telling the truth or not about being sick today, I’m in my head about these conversations we keep having. Are they genuine? Or is this a weird manipulation tactic? I will admit that since he’s brought this up I have been less inclined to invest much effort in other people, but I have been actively trying since I know that’s important at this stage. 
 

Also maybe this all just boils down to me being insecure and I need to let it play out and just see what happens? I don’t know. What do y’all think?

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, caputo77 said:

I am not a good liar, so when he brings up this topic it becomes apparent that I am still keeping my options open, and then I feel bad , I am realizing I would be kind of pissed if he WAS seeing other people 

Do you want to be exclusive with him? Try to be honest with yourself and others.

If you would like to be exclusive because of intimacy or otherwise be forthcoming about that. 

However if you tell him you're keeping your options open and dating others, why can't he? 

It seems to be going well and he seems to like you so it's unclear why you're telling him you're dating others. 

 

[NuevoYorko]

You need to be open to learning about and assessing each individual when you are getting to know them.

If you're looking for a general answer about whether guys are "usually" lying about something for manipulative reasons, my first thought is that you are not in the right space yourself to be dating.  

Some guys, and women equally, will tell others what they think will get them what they want.  Other people are being honest.  

[basil67]

You've gotten yourself into a negative headspace at present and it really isn't conducive to dating. Fact is, not everyone is super active on dating sites and not everyone multi dates, and to straight up distrust someone who says that they are doing this is not a good sign.

I think you're being way too cynical about guy #1.  Frankly, I highly doubt he was pretending that you were his girlfriend to get validation. I can't imagine that this is very common at all.  Rather, it's most likely that he was simply over enthusiastic, had a hormone rush and dived in too quickly without taking time to consider compatibility.  

With guy #2, I think he keeps raising the topic because he's uneasy about you still seeing others, but he's trying to appear cool about it.  And why are you still seeing others if you'd be upset to find out that he was doing it?   Do you see the hypocrisy in your actions?   Also, it is very much his business if you are seeing others.  He's putting this time and effort and probably money into you while you're not even interested enough to stop multi dating.   You've been out with him a number of times so far, so you should have enough information to know if he's worth putting a pause on dating others.  And if you can't decide, do him a favour and let him go....and do yourself a favour and take a break from dating

 

[d0nnivain]

TL;DR

I would assume it was a line but then you can be pleasantly surprised if it wasn't.  Off OLD I would never initially exclusively date anybody nor would I talk about it.  Let them say whatever & you just kind of mumble "umhmmm" & change the subject.  

After you date for a while you will know if this is somebody you want to stop dating others for  Once you do that, then you can talk about exclusivity.  

Sex comes after exclusivity.  

[Versacehottie]

11 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Some guys, and women equally, will tell others what they think will get them what they want.  Other people are being honest.  

This ^^^^ is exactly it.

What I would say IMO, OP, from reading your story is that you are correlating something, ie a "line" or statement  from just two guys and claiming it's a defining pattern or an actual true correlation. It's just anecdotal at best and and extraction from a collection of many facts, etc. As an outsider, I'm sort of like what a weird thing to pluck out as a cause/correlated occurrence.  Not to mention it's all biased by your own perception, feeling insecure and trying to get a certain outcome yourself. In fact, with the 2nd guy it hasn't even happened yet, you are just sort of trying to predict if it will from a statement. Having an outlook on life like this can actually CAUSE exactly what you are hoping won't happen!  And, in fact you will then convince yourself to keep up with the exact mindsets that limit you and contribute to these (negative) outcomes. 

So with the statement of "i don't really use apps much" you should try to weight it much much much lower. In fact, it's sort of like a musing or throwaway statement possibly. If you feel super compelled, it could be your cue to ask more questions along those lines (not an inquistion! but just to get to know each guy who says this better). Sometimes fleshing things out with more explanation will calm your fears about things. You sound pretty anxious to me, so it probably comes up easily and about lots of things.. And your mind is seeking to draw correlations or patterns in an effort to protect itself....which doesn't mean they are true or have the meaning you are drawing from it. It just means you're worried and anxious. I'd be much more likely to take a CLUSTER of things together that support the idea that the guy is "full of it" than one statement. Even if it is a little white lie, do you think so little of yourself that you aren't confident in him wanting to date you? That's why even with the 3 month anecdotal example of guy #1, it just didn't work out. You guys gave it 3 months and that's what the beginning is for--getting to know one another. Plus you are saying it as if he was lying with that statement and your own anecdote proves he wasn't, ie he opened the app and sure enough he was just talking to me/we deleted the app together. So yeah you are drawing incorrect conclusions from some throwaway statement.

Listen, if you mind is getting anxious from a statement like that or a guy canceling a date because he is sick, it's your brain giving you a clue to spur you to action in a way. So rather than assume it's doomed etc, why not just ask him for you want.  Even if you don't exactly know, you can talk to him about it. 

Also IMO when is a person supposed to say that they are sick? If he had told you too soon, it would sound as much like a lie. If you think he's lying, why would you want to date him? If you think it's because he was on another date, which he could do since you are not exclusive, and it bothers you, try to see if he's open to being exclusive. What I think you shouldn't do is do more that will cause you to be insecure and self-sabotage. The beginning of dating has so little guarantee--you just have to be willing to take the risk and ride out some of your own fears..you can't secure a complete guarantee from anyone, even yourself.

[stillafool]

I think you should tell him what happened with Guy #1, then he will understand why you are apprehensive.  The way you are acting it seems like you want to date around and not be in a relationship.  Tell him what you want.

[Gaeta]

He took you out on 4 dates and you only have good things to say about him, what else do you want? Stop dating around and tell him you decided to put your profile on hold and only see him. You cannot see the true value of a person by dividing your attention to multiple people.  I would not date someone that tells me to my face they're still dating around after we had 4 dates.

Forget about last guy,  it's another guy another place another time. 

About this man saying he's not often online, it's his way of asking if you are much online. He's giving you the benefit of the doubt but this man will not keep investing in you while you entertain yourself elsewhere. He may have been on a date the other night and it would be understandable after all you said and done to make him pay, in  way,  for last guy. 

I think he showed you he's genuinely interested in you, it's time you show the same.

[Alpacalia]

17 hours ago, caputo77 said:

I tend to be the same way (I like to focus on one person at a time), but I don’t necessarily like to show all my cards right away when it comes to that.

I'm curious why not? If you don't multidate, then say so. What possible reason could there be not to?

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm curious why not? If you don't multidate, then say so. What possible reason could there be not to?

Because early on that makes you vulnerable.  A healthy long term relationship can't be a power struggle but the very beginning, when you don't know the other person it's best to keep your cards close to the vest & not let on too soon that you can be hurt by this stranger.   It takes time to fully earn trust.  

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Because early on that makes you vulnerable.  A healthy long term relationship can't be a power struggle but the very beginning, when you don't know the other person it's best to keep your cards close to the vest & not let on too soon that you can be hurt by this stranger.   It takes time to fully earn trust.  

I respect your opinion but I am unclear how stating you don't multidate makes you more vulnerable or how it's a power struggle?

Expressing a preference for not dating multiple people simultaneously doesn't automatically bestow or guarantee trust. Claiming to multi-date when you don't is disingenuous, don't you think? It doesn't necessarily signify exclusivity or commitment, just a preference for non-casual dating.

Declaring no multi-dating might make you feel like you're risking it all early on, which can be frightening. Taking things slow and staying open to other possibilities is reasonable. However, using it as a security tactic or bargaining tool may not help. Stay open-minded but prioritize honesty and authenticity in your romantic endeavors.

I don't see Guy #1 as love-bombing, and he may have genuinely meant what he said in that moment. It doesn't automatically imply he was playing games or leading a double life. It's possible you're overthinking his motives and fixated on the idea of his dishonesty when the simpler explanation might be that you two weren't a good fit.

I would say don't be hard on yourself about Guy #1 either.

Guy #1 and Guy #2 are different individuals. To be honest, we all suspect people we're dating to have a plan to intentionally hurt or deceive us to some degree, either consciously or subconsciously but I think it's worthwhile to view someone in a unique and difference light, with lesser assumptions and wait for them to let you down before you act like they already have. Disagree about discussing app usage being manipulative, he's simply sharing his dating approach. Even if he had other matches, he could easily move on without mentioning it.

Bringing up his dating style early on might not necessarily be to his benefit. He could declare exclusivity but still keep other options open. I understand why you might find it manipulative, as if he's trying to gain your complete trust or approval. However, it's possible he's just sharing a potentially awkward truth, not necessarily to pressure you into exclusivity. I'd be more concerned about the early mention of "I only date one person at a time" possibly stemming from possessiveness and insecurity, similar to the "spiel" about not using dating apps much. Both tactics might aim to assure someone of the other person's strong interest with minimal effort.

So, you're going to have to pay attention to how he treats you, especially when things don't go as planned. Because calling off a date after scheduling it twice can be a normal-early-dating-mishap, and not proof of flakiness/disinterest or whatever. Calling off a date last minute twice in a row (example) usually sends a more definitive message. I wouldn't put too much stock in 1 lapse, but I would observe whether he's consistent or not, and then, accordingly, qualify his flake pattern as drama-free or otherwise. 

There are genuine people out there who dispense with online dating often simply because, the "me over there, 'our relationship' over here, but I don't know what i want just yet," statements that appear often enough in early dating. If I were you, I would continue dating like you do, and watch. Either his behavior will support what he says, or his lack of consistent behavior will convince you that to continue doing what you already do: date how you like, and date more so.

That said, were I you (again) I might say to him: look, I don't think I'm anywhere near ready for a relationship, but I'm keen to explore this.