Friend Slept With Guy I Like.

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

I need some advice as I am torn with whether or not I should be angry or not. 

To give a brief overview. 

I have been chatting to this guy for a weeks, on and off for a bit. My friend R knows him, she invited him out to join myself and my other friends on Saturday night. My friend J, commented earlier in the night that she saw a spark between us as we spent move of the night talking to each other. Fast forward a few hours later, we went to a club, we where dancing and having a good night again we where chatting a lot together still. My friend J began to get a bit drunk. She asked me if anyone had kissed him yet, to which I said no, not yet. 

As the night went on every time he went to the bar, my friend would follow him up to the bar, eventually it was time to go and he lived close to the nightclub and invited us all back for a few drinks. We all went. 

I went to go to the bathroom and saw them together, half naked. I was so angry, I didn't yell or anything but I said that I was leaving. I told my friend R what had happened and left. She was texting me asking if I was ok I explained I was annoyed at J for doing that. I asked if J left with her when she left and she said she stayed behind. 

I was so angry, firstly she didn't even want to go back to his place, she knew I was interested, she also knew I was talking to him before meeting. While I was having drinks during the night I didn't plan on getting sloppy drunk and I didn't want to throw myself at him either. I wanted to let it progress naturally without hanging out of him drunk like my friend. 

So this is where I am struggling. I don't own the guy, he is not my property and I know that. He doesn't owe me anything either. He is just as bad as my friend for sleeping with her. But they are both single too so I'm struggling. I am angry at him for sleeping with my friend even though he was flirting with me and I am angry at my friend so sleeping with him when she knew I liked him. 

If she had come to me and said I really like him I probably wouldn't have been angry, annoyed but probably not angry and I would have been able to make peace with it but to literally have sex with the guy your friend likes, while they're in another room I think is wrong. 

She texted me to say "Sorry for offending you, I didn't mean to step on your toes I was silly drunk" 

I have yet to respond and I honestly don't feel like responding as I don't want to deal with the drama. 

I'm torn on what to do. I have since unfollowed them both on social media, and I have not intention on refollowing them. I am taking a break from hanging out with my friends for a little while as J is part of the friend group and I really don't want to see her. 

I left the group chats, where she's in too. This might be dramatic but I just don't want to deal with her at the minute until I have been able to resolve my own feelings on the matter and move past it.

I don't know what to do, am I overreacting? I need some outside perspective. My friend R told me not to let a guy come between our friendship, but I can't help it.  

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

She texted me to say "Sorry for offending you, I didn't mean to step on your toes I was silly drunk" 

It sounds like you dodged a bullet if he gets drunk and sleeps with whoever is handy. Don't even bother fighting over men like that.

Your friend apologized but didn't have to.  You're right that you don't own this guy. If this guy was more interested in her and she was willing to hook up, why be mad at her? Be glad you didn't get involved with him. 

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It sounds like you dodged a bullet if he gets drunk and sleeps with whoever is handy. Don't even bother fighting over men like that.

Your friend apologized but didn't have to.  You're right that you don't own this guy. If this guy was more interested in her and she was willing to hook up, why be mad at her? Be glad you didn't get involved with him. 

I know, I think I was more mad as I would never do that to someone. If she was chatting to a guy, she invited him and I knew she liked him, I wouldn't dream of trying it on with him. 

I just feel like she took her shot and went, Yes I don't own him and she can do what she wants too but I thought as a friend I would have deserved more from her given she knew I was interested. 

[d0nnivain]

You are not overreacting.  What she did was uncool & disloyal.  IMO, she ended the friendship but she did you a favor on the way out by showing you he's a cad.  

So good riddance to them both 

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You are not overreacting.  What she did was uncool & disloyal.  IMO, she ended the friendship but she did you a favor on the way out by showing you he's a cad.  

So good riddance to them both 

Thanks, 

I think it was uncool but part of me is thinking maybe I didn't express enough how much I was interested in him to her. I so torn, the guy is gone, I have no intention of speaking to him or whatever ever again and I am going to guess that is why he never reached out after as he knows I am annoyed. 

But for my friend I am torn, I am angry, that she got drunk and threw herself at him. That's the annoying thing, she pursued him not the other way around. She kept being touchy feely with him and as she got drunker it progressed.  

[Weezy1973]

Did you tell your friend you liked the guy? If you did and she didn’t care and slept with him anyways then yes, that’s not a great thing to do. But I don’t think you told “J” you like him did you? When she asked if anybody had kissed him, that would have been a great time to say something like “no, but I want to”.

 

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

5 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Did you tell your friend you liked the guy? If you did and she didn’t care and slept with him anyways then yes, that’s not a great thing to do. But I don’t think you told “J” you like him did you? When she asked if anybody had kissed him, that would have been a great time to say something like “no, but I want to”.

 

Yes and no. J came to me and said I can see a spark between you too. You've been chatting for ages and I said I know we are getting on well. She knew we where chatting to each other. The reason he was invited to join us was because my friend R knew I liked him and knew him so she invited him to come join us, she was trying to set us up. 

We where chatting for the whole night. It would have been very obvious that we where interested in each other. Especially given the fact that even earlier in the night she commented that she could see a spark between us. 

Maybe I am wrong for not throwing myself at him but I didn't want too. I wanted to chat, dance have a nice night and see how we get on,  and maybe that's where I went wrong. But I still don't think it was a nice thing for my friend to do. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

. You've been chatting for ages and I said I know we are getting on well. 

Unfortunately if you were chatting and know him and hang out with him in groups etc but he never asked you out, you didn't lose anything and your friend didn't steal anything. 

He was simply not into and you're taking it out on your friend. That she hooks up with randoms and he jumped at the opportunity, is something you can simply step away from. He wasn't interested in you. That's not her fault. 

You dodged a bullet. If these friends aren't fun anymore try to make new friends. Basically if a guy isn't asking you out, he's not interested. In this case he took an easy opportunity. 

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately if you were chatting and know him and hang out with him in groups etc but he never asked you out, you didn't lose anything and your friend didn't steal anything. 

He was simply not into and you're taking it out on your friend. That she hooks up with randoms and he jumped at the opportunity, is something you can simply step away from. He wasn't interested in you. That's not her fault. 

You dodged a bullet. If these friends aren't fun anymore try to make new friends. Basically if a guy isn't asking you out, he's not interested. In this case he took an easy opportunity. 

I have only been chatting to him for about two weeks, maybe a little more. Both our schedules where busy so we where planning on meeting this coming weekend but where chatting in between.

My friend invited him to join us as she knew I was talking to him and told him I would be there. So he came out to meet us. 

When I say we where chatting I mean we where chatting to each other all night, just the two of us. Yes we where talking to the group at times but most of the night we spent talking to each other. I don't know this guy. We matched on tinder, we began chatting and where planning on meeting. My friend knew him as her bf is a friend of his, she invited him out to come meet us and told him I would be there so he could finally come and meet me. 

I don't mind if wasn't interested. Yes I would've been hurt but i am adult enough to know I am not everyone's type, what annoyed me what we spent the night talking, getting to know each other, dancing and so on. So even if he wasn't interested and was being polite, I still think its a sh$^ty thing to do to someone and I think it wasn't nice of my friend to throw herself at him. She knew he was coming, she knew we where chatting online and even commented that she saw a spark between us, then gets drunks and sleeps with him. 

I just don't think its a nice thing to do to a friend. If she came and said listen I know you two have been talking all night I am not sure if theres anything there if not would you mind if I make a move, I would have had more respect for her. 

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

. We matched on tinder, we began chatting and where planning on meeting. 

Either way you dodged a bullet and perhaps this isn't a good friend. So try to meet men one-on-one from dating apps when they specifically ask you out. Please don't get friends this involved with group meets and nebulous arrangements.

If a guy is interested he'll ask you specifically out for a one-on-one date. Not meet a bunch of women at a club and pick whoever is easiest for a hookup. 

[stillafool]

How do you know your friend threw herself at him?  Did he try to kiss you the way he did her?  It sounds like he immediately went for her.  Had he asked you out on a date that night?  I agree I think he was more interested in her and when the opportunity presented itself, he went for it.  You don't seem to be angry with him, only her.  It's clear your friendship with this girl has run it's course, so just delete her from your friends list at this point.

Edited October 31, 2023 by stillafool

[d0nnivain]

You are nicer than I am.  If a friend so much as says "oh he's cute" that means he's off limits to the friends. Period.  

I have a dear friend from grade school.  She liked some guy who wasn't giving her the time of day.  I kept trying to find reasons & ways for her to bump into him.  It didn't work. 

Another "friend" of hers from grad school who was a real social climber got involved.  When this "friend" figured out the guy's job prospects, she set out to snag him & did.  They married & had 2 kids.   She became a gold digging SAHM until her husband had enough.  When he tried to divorce her, she stabbed him with scissors.  She's out of jail now but got nothing in the divorce & now lives in a halfway house.   Her kids don't talk to her. 

My friend (the girl like you in the story) forgave her friend for stealing the guy & was actually a bridesmaid for her.  I never forgave the man stealer & hated her on my kindly friend's behalf because she was too nice to hold a grudge.  In fact, my sweet friend still helps this trainwreck.   My friend prevailed in the end because her husband is so sweet; they are a perfect match.  

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

How do you know your friend threw herself at him?  Did he try to kiss you the way he did her?  It sounds like he immediately went for her.  Had he asked you out on a date that night?  I agree I think he was more interested in her and when the opportunity presented itself, he went for it.  You don't seem to be angry with him, only her.  It's clear your friendship with this girl has run it's course, so just delete her from your friends list at this point.

I am not angry at the guy, the guy I don't know. Nor do I plan on getting to know him now so I don't ever plan on seeing him again. 

I am angry at my friend, I would have expected some loyalty from her. That's why I am angry. If they decided to get together and have whatever happens happen. I would have been ok with it. What I am angry about is that my friend couldn't have even waited till I left, pulled me aside and said listen I think there is something between us do you mind if I go for it. That I would have been ok with. 

It wasn't a date, but it was obvious that I was interested. Even if he wasn't, it was easy to see I was. As I said before she commented on how well we where getting on and then she gets a few drinks and decides to sleep with the guy. 

This in my book is not cool. I would never do that. I don't think as a friend its the right thing to do and that's why I am asking on here as I am struggling with it. I know she can sleep with whoever she see's fit, but I am angry and I don't know what to do and I am worried i am overacting to it. But I also feel my feelings are justified too. I'm so torn on this. 

 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

This in my book is not cool. I would never do that. I don't think as a friend its the right thing to do and that's why I am asking on here as I am struggling with it. I know she can sleep with whoever she see's fit, but I am angry and I don't know what to do and I am worried i am overacting to it. But I also feel my feelings are justified too. I'm so torn on this. 

 

No, you feel how you feel, so you are not over reacting.  You don't see her as a true friend so it's time to distance yourself and perhaps end the friendship since you don't trust her.

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

 

18 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You are nicer than I am.  If a friend so much as says "oh he's cute" that means he's off limits to the friends. Period.  

I have a dear friend from grade school.  She liked some guy who wasn't giving her the time of day.  I kept trying to find reasons & ways for her to bump into him.  It didn't work. 

Another "friend" of hers from grad school who was a real social climber got involved.  When this "friend" figured out the guy's job prospects, she set out to snag him & did.  They married & had 2 kids.   She became a gold digging SAHM until her husband had enough.  When he tried to divorce her, she stabbed him with scissors.  She's out of jail now but got nothing in the divorce & now lives in a halfway house.   Her kids don't talk to her. 

My friend (the girl like you in the story) forgave her friend for stealing the guy & was actually a bridesmaid for her.  I never forgave the man stealer & hated her on my kindly friend's behalf because she was too nice to hold a grudge.  In fact, my sweet friend still helps this trainwreck.   My friend prevailed in the end because her husband is so sweet; they are a perfect match.  

I always thought that too. Someone a friend is interested in is off limits. For me if I saw my friend chatting to a guy I fancied I still would never make a move until that friend either told me directly they weren't interested or they think I would be a better suit for the guy and even then it would be a little awkward. I know everyone isn't like that but still a good friend should know the boundaries and lines you dont cross. 

But again i am afraid I am over reacting to this.  

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

I am not angry at the guy, the guy I don't know. Nor do I plan on getting to know him now so I don't ever plan on seeing him again. 

I am angry at my friend, I would have expected some loyalty from her. That's why I am angry. If they decided to get together and have whatever happens happen. I would have been ok with it. What I am angry about is that my friend couldn't have even waited till I left, pulled me aside and said listen I think there is something between us do you mind if I go for it. That I would have been ok with. 

It wasn't a date, but it was obvious that I was interested. Even if he wasn't, it was easy to see I was. As I said before she commented on how well we where getting on and then she gets a few drinks and decides to sleep with the guy. 

This in my book is not cool. I would never do that. I don't think as a friend its the right thing to do and that's why I am asking on here as I am struggling with it. I know she can sleep with whoever she see's fit, but I am angry and I don't know what to do and I am worried i am overacting to it. But I also feel my feelings are justified too. I'm so torn on this. 

 

That's ok. He is not worth it anyway. However please realize that women don't "steal" men from other women. This guy simply followed his zipper to an easy hookup. It's unclear why you have these double standards. That he isn't a creep, but you're mad at your friend? 

Was it cool your friend slept with this guy? No. But please dispel the notion that he had no part in all this and she stole him from you. 

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

No, you feel how you feel, so you are not over reacting.  You don't see her as a true friend so it's time to distance yourself and perhaps end the friendship since you don't trust her.

I know and the sad thing is I did see her as a friend, not my best friend but a good friend. We also share the same group of friends so It will be awkward now. Part of me can't help but think is it revenge in a way to something that happened a few year ago. 

About 2/3 years ago we both where talking to a guy. Neither of us knew we where talking to the same guy. We met on tinder. He met me for a date and decided to pursue me and not my friend. We eventually began to date. 

The way we found out was when I introduced him to my group of friends and later that night the guy told me he was talking to my friend at the same time as me and he picked me. Now that I think of it, it could be the reason she did what she did. Maybe to get back at me or maybe she just didn't care enough. 

When I found out about the guy talking to the two of us and picking me I pulled my friend aside and explained if it was awkward I wouldn't bring him to group gatherings as I wanted her to be comfortable as I respected her and our friendship. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

Now that I think of it, it could be the reason she did what she did. Maybe to get back at me or maybe she just didn't care enough. 

If this is the case, definitely end the friendship.  She's not a good friend as there's bad blood between you two.

[Versacehottie]

Sorry this happened...ok, I think when you unfollowed them both you sort of took the stand you wanted to take. So just stick with it for a while. 

I agree with the idea that if she'd come to you and said she was into him, it would be normal to make peace with it, but she didn't. In the future, I think you could be crystal clear with your friends about who you like---especially in a situation like that, ie you are just talking, and nothing is established between you and the guy yet and you are in a party atmosphere with other single girlfriends who might go after the guy. 

I can totally understand why you are more angry with her. Easy to just write the guy off and he's sloppy/messy and if it wasn't her, it would have been some other random girl that he likely would have done this with. So yeah write him off and be glad you obtained this information about him. So with your friend, J, i'm of the opinion that friends top quality to make it into the inner circle is being loyal. Surely in this way. Some people don't have the capacity to be loyal in perhaps the exact way "we" would do it but there are lines that are pretty clear with conveying loyalty and she crossed it. Lol, they always blame the alcohol!! It's so funny. But as they say "vino veritas" lol apologies if I butchered that saying but it basically is people say (or do) their real feelings when uninhibited bc of alcohol. And so her real feelings were to sort of steamroll right over what you wanted and just go for what she wanted. If he was boyfriend/long-term potential surely she could of held her horses and attempted to approach it more slowly and with your feelings in mind...which likely wouldn't have resulted in a night one, in-front-of-you hookup. So yeah if a friend is so callous about what you want for a one-night hookup, who needs friends like this? She will do it again in all likelihood across a variety of topics. Even her apology was semi-dismissive. 🙄

so yah, nah, I'd distance myself. Life is too short to invest in people like this. I'm assuming one of the hard things might be that you have mutual friends/friend group so you might want to adopt some cordial stance so it doesn't blow up your social life. On the off-chance that it's a one time thing, truly down to excessive alcohol use, I guess you could let her back into your life with caution...after a while. I really wouldn't do it until you observe from a distance what she does in other situations...and perhaps that she comes back with a more sincere apology. Guessing if she gets the short end of this where friends are on your side, she might lash out or try to take YOU down in some way or disparage you.  

Here's the thing though, take the high road. I wouldn't speak of it with your friends or try to get them on your side. Rise above. Anger will eat you up and prevent you from moving onto bigger and better things. In the future you might look back and think this was a "good" thing to have happened to you, ie when booting her out of your life, brings you deeper and more loyal, more rewarding friendships, or when the potential of this guy disappeared leads to some other much better guy. Try to put the experience in your rear-view mirror. Good luck

Edited October 31, 2023 by Versacehottie

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

I know everyone isn't like that but still a good friend should know the boundaries and lines you dont cross. 

Yes, you've acknowledged this and decided she isn't a good friend because she crossed your boundary.  So....

 

1 hour ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

But again i am afraid I am over reacting to this.  

Now why are you saying this?^

[Versacehottie]

I agree with stillafool above. The only "overreacting" I see is if you ACTUALLY have mixed feelings and would want to KEEP her friendship but sort of already blew things up with the social media unfollowing. 

It's natural to have somewhat mixed feelings when you are taking a course of action that wouldn't have been your first choice or is difficult, ie it's hard to let a friendship go. If you really think you have overreacted because for example you weren't clear enough with her about your interest in this guy before they hooked up, then yeah try not to react in anger with unfollowing people. Gather your thoughts first next time before you respond if you aren't sure. 

I stand by my other post that I wouldn't want a friend like this in my life in any significant or truly meaningful (or close contact) way. Doesn't mean these choices are easy though.

Edited October 31, 2023 by Versacehottie

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

But again i am afraid I am over reacting to this.  

You are not over reacting.  You have boundaries.  She crossed them.  People who violate other's boundaries often try to make the one who set the boundary out to be the bad guy,  

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

59 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Sorry this happened...ok, I think when you unfollowed them both you sort of took the stand you wanted to take. So just stick with it for a while. 

I agree with the idea that if she'd come to you and said she was into him, it would be normal to make peace with it, but she didn't. In the future, I think you could be crystal clear with your friends about who you like---especially in a situation like that, ie you are just talking, and nothing is established between you and the guy yet and you are in a party atmosphere with other single girlfriends who might go after the guy. 

I can totally understand why you are more angry with her. Easy to just write the guy off and he's sloppy/messy and if it wasn't her, it would have been some other random girl that he likely would have done this with. So yeah write him off and be glad you obtained this information about him. So with your friend, J, i'm of the opinion that friends top quality to make it into the inner circle is being loyal. Surely in this way. Some people don't have the capacity to be loyal in perhaps the exact way "we" would do it but there are lines that are pretty clear with conveying loyalty and she crossed it. Lol, they always blame the alcohol!! It's so funny. But as they say "vino veritas" lol apologies if I butchered that saying but it basically is people say (or do) their real feelings when uninhibited bc of alcohol. And so her real feelings were to sort of steamroll right over what you wanted and just go for what she wanted. If he was boyfriend/long-term potential surely she could of held her horses and attempted to approach it more slowly and with your feelings in mind...which likely wouldn't have resulted in a night one, in-front-of-you hookup. So yeah if a friend is so callous about what you want for a one-night hookup, who needs friends like this? She will do it again in all likelihood across a variety of topics. Even her apology was semi-dismissive. 🙄

so yah, nah, I'd distance myself. Life is too short to invest in people like this. I'm assuming one of the hard things might be that you have mutual friends/friend group so you might want to adopt some cordial stance so it doesn't blow up your social life. On the off-chance that it's a one time thing, truly down to excessive alcohol use, I guess you could let her back into your life with caution...after a while. I really wouldn't do it until you observe from a distance what she does in other situations...and perhaps that she comes back with a more sincere apology. Guessing if she gets the short end of this where friends are on your side, she might lash out or try to take YOU down in some way or disparage you.  

Here's the thing though, take the high road. I wouldn't speak of it with your friends or try to get them on your side. Rise above. Anger will eat you up and prevent you from moving onto bigger and better things. In the future you might look back and think this was a "good" thing to have happened to you, ie when booting her out of your life, brings you deeper and more loyal, more rewarding friendships, or when the potential of this guy disappeared leads to some other much better guy. Try to put the experience in your rear-view mirror. Good luck

I agree, She went after what she wanted with no thought for me. I'm glad in a way it happened instead of me investing time in the guy. 

I can't completely cut her out of my life as we share the same friends group. However I will be taking a step back from meeting my friends in a group setting if she is there. I will do that until I have moved passed my feelings. 

I think I was worried about over reacting in the sense of loosing someone I thought was a friend and then having the awkwardness of seeing her in a group setting. I didn't call her names or cause a seen I just unfollowed her and left the group chat and while that was hasty I am glad I done it. It means I don't have to be in contact with her until I am ready. 

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

I think I was worried about over reacting in the sense of loosing someone I thought was a friend and then having the awkwardness of seeing her in a group setting.

You no longer view her as a friend.  Stop second guessing yourself and let her go.  You don't have to avoid your other friends because she's there, just avoid and ignore.

[Alpacalia]

I don't think you're overreacting. At the very least, your friend could have extended you the common courtesy of mentioning that she was interested in him and asking for your thoughts before pursuing something with him. It's not about him being your property, it's about respect and consideration for your feelings.

Your friend's actions were not only disrespectful, but they were also dishonest. She knew that you were interested in this guy and instead of being honest with you about her intentions, she chose to sneak off with him and then pretend like nothing happened. 

Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for taking a break or distancing yourself.