Friend Slept With Guy I Like.

[CollinW]

Also why is everyone judging this man for his life? She dodged a bullet because this single man made the decision to do what single men do? Got people in here calling him a creep. I'm honestly lost. 

[princessaurora]

2 hours ago, CollinW said:

Also why is everyone judging this man for his life? She dodged a bullet because this single man made the decision to do what single men do? Got people in here calling him a creep. I'm honestly lost. 

He had been talking to OP for several weeks and was talking to her that night. Then her friend starts following him around like a lost puppy, goes back to his place along with OP and a few others and he proceeds to have sex with her with OP in the house. It may not make him a creep, but it definitely makes him a jerk.

I think  the fact he took advantage of easy sex with a drunk person he's never met before is getting him labeled a creep by some. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, princessaurora said:

I think  the fact he took advantage of easy sex with a drunk person he's never met before is getting him labeled a creep by some. 

It didn't sound like he took advantage of her to me.  More like she went after him and he gave in was the way I read it.

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, CollinW said:

I've always found this mentally completely silly. Not only does it treat the man as if he's a possession, but it boils the dynamic down to whoever tags the man first wins. 

It's not about that.

It's about choosing not to be friends with someone whose actions show that they regularly disregard the feelings and desires of other people to get what they want. Sure in this particular scenario, I might think "Hey I'm talking to him, and her trying to get with him now when she didn't even know him before is really crappy behavior."

But I get people vary in their relationships with each other, and if that's not entirely practical I would focus on her actions rather than solely on the guy (Though it would be ridiculous to have multiple flings with a guy. It's one thing if people aren't serious at all, but seriously: friends who actually care about each other and a guy do not put themselves in exactly the same emotions and similar desires of another person.) The most messed up thing about your story was that she was inconsiderate of you while she was doing it.

I have been on the receiving end with dating someone casually. I was hurt when I found out that they starting talking without telling me. However, I later realized that they had genuine feelings for each other and were together for several years. It was okay because they were better suited for each other, and I found someone who was more compatible with me. They apologized for their actions, which I appreciated. I'm happy that they found love and cared for each other.

Your friend though seems to have started out with a boy that she hadn't liked before. Unless you can reconcile this information, then what you wrote doesn't fit this situation, I would distance myself from her. Simply shagging this guy, without having your feelings on her mind, is aggressive enough to warrant that thought. If you can't reconcile the rest of what you know, the story just gets worse.

To be friends with someone who intentionally does these things out of spite and a desire to be with a particular boy is not self-loving or loving of your friends.

It's really good that you stood up for yourself and said what you felt when she questioned him to you. I would keep a distance from her as long as necessary to process what happened, support yourself, and maintain your own boundaries and values going forward within your choice of friends as you live your fabulous life. You seem like you're self-aware and have emotions in check. I'm impressed. You deserve to have friends that will as your friends, they'll celebrate you, they'll be there for you if you need them, they'll not do things to undermine your happiness, and you'll have loads of fun times together.

[CollinW]

10 hours ago, princessaurora said:

He had been talking to OP for several weeks and was talking to her that night. Then her friend starts following him around like a lost puppy, goes back to his place along with OP and a few others and he proceeds to have sex with her with OP in the house. It may not make him a creep, but it definitely makes him a jerk.

I think  the fact he took advantage of easy sex with a drunk person he's never met before is getting him labeled a creep by some. 

So since he's been sporatically having conversations with a woman with no dating, no sex, assumed flirting on behalf of the OP, and no commitment, he therefore must cut himself off from all women or else he's a jerk? That makes sense to you? 

And don't people usually meet at bars, then sometimes go and have sex? He's a creep because he was followed around a bar all night and had sex with a woman that was into him? That sounds like nonsense wrapped in misandry. 

[princessaurora]

6 hours ago, CollinW said:

So since he's been sporatically having conversations with a woman with no dating, no sex, assumed flirting on behalf of the OP, and no commitment, he therefore must cut himself off from all women or else he's a jerk? That makes sense to you? 

And don't people usually meet at bars, then sometimes go and have sex? He's a creep because he was followed around a bar all night and had sex with a woman that was into him? That sounds like nonsense wrapped in misandry. 

Not all women, just one that's friends with the girl he's been talking to. The whole reason he was even there is because their mutual friend invited him so they could hang together, then he goes and bangs her friend almost right in front of her. If he was interested in the friend, he should have only taken her home, not invited the other girl and the rest of them. That would have been a little upsetting for OP, but not as hard of a pill to swallow than her walking in on them about to have sex when she probably thought she was going to get to hang out with him some more at his place. He completely discounted her feelings just for an easy lay. . So imho, that is the textbook definition of a jerk. 

[Acacia98]

20 hours ago, CollinW said:

Also why is everyone judging this man for his life? She dodged a bullet because this single man made the decision to do what single men do? 

I'm just reflecting on various comments by other folks, OP, and I think you really did dodge a bullet. That is to say, if the guy had been interested enough in you to ask you out after all the drama, you would have done well to say no if you had wanted an uncomplicated monogamous relationship with healthy boundaries. 

I think it's in your best interest to separate your dating life from your socialization with your group of friends. In that way, you can avoid the complications that accompany intoxication and lowered inhibitions and you can give a potential romance between yourself and your romantic interest the opportunity to develop minus interference (conscious or unconscious) by your friend group. In future, just chat with the guy briefly and make arrangements to meet ASAP. It should be just the two of you meeting for coffee, dinner, or whatever it is that you like to do on dates. If, between the two of you, you can't arrange a simple date, then one of you probably isn't that interested in the other.

Overall, OP, I'd say this guy wasn't the one for you. The way he conducted himself on that night was not the most emotionally intelligent thing for him to do if he actually wanted to date you. So it's safe to say he wasn't that interested in you. You can move on peacefully with that understanding. 

Also, regarding your friends, OP, perhaps it's time to start revisiting some of these friendships and the way you socialize with each other. Perhaps it worked well when you were younger and more carefree. But now that you're older and have a better sense of who you are and what matters to you, you may want to be more careful about who you socialize with and how you socialize with them.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Both of them are trash. Be glad you see it sooner rather than later. I'd cut them both out of my life permanent. 

[CollinW]

On 11/9/2023 at 4:30 AM, princessaurora said:

He had been talking to OP for several weeks and was talking to her that night.

You know that talking to someone means absolutely nothing right? There is no indication that he assumed it to be romantic. And don't say that he should have assumed romantic intent because you'd also turn around and claim men are delusional for doing that. 

Fact of the matter is OP is probably mad that she didn't have the gall to shoot her shot the way her friend did. 

[CollinW]

On 11/9/2023 at 9:22 PM, princessaurora said:

The whole reason he was even there is because their mutual friend invited him so they could hang together, then he goes and bangs her friend almost right in front of her.

I've been invited to places by a woman I thought I had a romantic connection with and when I got there, there were other men there she invited under the exact same context. 

In other words, it's pointless making assumptions on a woman's intentions when it comes to hanging out. He's not wrong because he didn't assume the OP had romantic feelings towards him.

And truth be told, the reason he slept with the friend most likely is because the OP wasn't direct enough with her intentions in the first place. She probably was playing it too cool, expecting to give him just enough to do all the chasing and he went for the woman that gave him explicit interest.