Am I Overthinking This?

[darkwing489]

I am applying for graduate school and part of the requirement is that I have three letters of recommendation. I asked my three references over a month in advance and provided reminders so that they could have it ready and once they're contacted to submit the letters, they could just copy and paste it. Two of my references came through and submitted everything on time. Unfortunately, one of my other references turned out to be a procrastinator and despite being reminded multiple times and them reassuring me that they "got me", they're now taking their time, asking when it's due and coming up with excuses as to why it's taking so long. I wouldn't have minded if they had said no to begin with because I could have asked others to be my reference, but they literally waited until the last minute to do this to me. In hindsight, I wouldn't have asked them to begin with.

I have spoken to my boyfriend about this aggravating situation and he knows it's time sensitive. My boyfriend and I have been together for about three years and we actually used to work together, but we now work in separate departments. He knows my work ethic and experience so he can easily write me a letter of recommendation. I did not ask him because I know he doesn't really like doing stuff like that and even when I've asked him to read things I've written, he seems reluctant or like it's a task which I know and acknowledge that it's not exactly fun. However, I know he's helped out other people he's worked with in the past and served as their reference even when they didn't ask him and listed him as a reference without his consent. I know I haven't asked him so yes, I could just be like "Hey, could you do this for me cause it's extremely short notice and I don't know if I'll be able to find someone or I don't want to inconvenience someone else at the last minute for a favor." The thing is, I feel like given the situation and he knows how hard I've worked on this, he could easily just say he'll write me one and to add him to the list of references. Instead, he suggested I dump this last minute favor request on another co-worker/friend.

I don't know if I'm reading into this too much, but I feel like if he actually cared and could help (which he could) then he would offer to do this without me prompting him to. Am I overthinking this?

[glows]

I think it’s more likely that he thinks it will make you uncomfortable if he offered, like a charity or like you’ll disagree or refuse so he tells you to ask someone else. Don’t overthink it as there’s little time left from what you’re saying. Just be humble and ask, see what he says. 

If he hums and haws or appears uncomfortable then you must respect his boundaries also. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Darkwing563 said:

Instead, he suggested I dump this last minute favor request on another co-worker/friend.

Did you speak to him about it? If he is suggesting you ask someone else, unfortunately that's what you'll have to do. It's frustrating this other person is stalling however you could have asked more than 3 people so if someone refuses or tacitly defers it without awkwardly having to say no, you would have appropriate backups. Perhaps your BF finds it awkward to do this since it's mixing personal business with work? 

[d0nnivain]

6 hours ago, Darkwing563 said:

I don't know if I'm reading into this too much, but I feel like if he actually cared and could help (which he could) then he would offer to do this without me prompting him to. Am I overthinking this?

You are not "overthinking this"; you are incorrectly analyzing the situation.   You are "s***-testing" your BF.  You are expecting him to read your mind & you are annoyed with him when he didn't.  If you want his help, ASK him.  If he says no, then you can be annoyed but not before you speak up.  Yes, it would have been nice if he volunteered but he may be assuming you don't want a reference from him due to your relationship.  Obviously if whomever receives the request finds out the true nature of your relationship (BF/GF) his recommendation will have less weight due to bias.  

Edited November 1, 2023 by d0nnivain

[ShyViolet]

13 hours ago, darkwing489 said:

I know I haven't asked him so yes, I could just be like "Hey, could you do this for me cause it's extremely short notice and I don't know if I'll be able to find someone or I don't want to inconvenience someone else at the last minute for a favor." The thing is, I feel like given the situation and he knows how hard I've worked on this, he could easily just say he'll write me one and to add him to the list of references.

If you want him to do it, then just ask him.  Stop expecting him to be a mind-reader.

[NuevoYorko]

8 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You are not "overthinking this"; you are incorrectly analyzing the situation.   

I second this.  You attributing the situation to "overthinking" is aiming yourself in the wrong direction.   

If you have a propensity to expect your boyfriend, or others, to do what you wish they would do without telling them what you'd like or asking them straight up to do it, you are doing a disservice to your relationships - especially when you are going to have an emotional reaction to them not having done what you never asked them to do.   No fair.

[basil67]

Could it be that he feels it's unethical to write a reference for a partner?

[MsJayne]

17 hours ago, darkwing489 said:

despite being reminded multiple times and them reassuring me that they "got me", they're now taking their time,

This person's a bit of an a*****e. Contact them and ask if they're going to do it or not because you have to find someone else at short notice if they're not. If they won't do it ask your BF. Also, if they don't do it, cross them off your Christmas card list.