Toxic friend

[Angel29]

I met a woman at an activity group a few years go. She seems to have taken a liking to want to be friends. She has no other friends and says people only hang out with her to go to gigs together and don't have a friendship outside of that. She said no-one turned up to her 30th birthday party.

She went on holiday with a guy recently and while they were there they had a disagreement and he said she was overbearing and no longer exists to him. He blocked her on all platforms and they spent the rest of the holiday apart. She can be very defensive and purposely disagrees with me most of the time.

She runs a bowling group I went to and I asked if we could go back to having 2 lanes as having 1 lane took hours to finish the games and I was getting home at 11pm on a Monday night making me tired for work the next day. She refused and said no it is one lane for people to social but we still socialised with 2 lanes. Numbers have dwindles recently.

I am fed up losing time as she wants to chat on the phone at inconvenient times about her health issues and loneliness. Yet she ignored advice off me and ignored the health professionals advice. She has plantar fasciitis and her sister is a GP and told her she is overweight and she said her sister is insulting her.

I have had enough as last night she got defensive then I made a comment about some people have got their job at work through others hard work. She told me I can't say that and kept saying it. I said why I can't I say that and said this conversation ends now. She gritted her teeth and agreed and said bye. She is very controlling and had a go at me for not voting the once which I have told her it is none of her business. She does not like it when people have a different view.

How do I phase her out? I haven't got time for negative people like her. None of my other friends are like this. She doesn't realise why she has no friends.

[d0nnivain]

You can't really phase her out because she won't take the hint.  You will have to be more dramatic  & do a clean break.    You tried but obviously the problem is her.  

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Angel29 said:

How do I phase her out? I haven't got time for negative people like her.

Looks like you both did that last night and she feels the same way.

6 minutes ago, Angel29 said:

I said why I can't I say that and said this conversation ends now. She gritted her teeth and agreed and said bye.

^This, it's over.  Don't contact her anymore.

[Angel29]

She must have mental health issues. She messaged this morning saying only her and one other person are going bowling on Monday. It is as though she was never rude to me and not acknowledged what happened. I certainly don't want to go bowling with her again so why tell me.

[BrinnM]

On 11/1/2023 at 8:21 AM, Angel29 said:

some people have got their job at work through others hard work. She told me I can't say that and kept saying it. I said why I can't I say that

I don’t understand the topic of your little argument, but either way, if you want to end the friendship, end it. You don’t have to do an official “breakup”, if you’re afraid of that. Just reply to her less and less, very sporadically and with few words, or don’t answer at all, and don’t initiate any contact from now on. 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Angel29 said:

She must have mental health issues. She messaged this morning saying only her and one other person are going bowling on Monday. It is as though she was never rude to me and not acknowledged what happened. I certainly don't want to go bowling with her again so why tell me.

She does have mental health issues so be a tad compassionate.  She had no understanding that she's the problem.  

Don't reply.  Don't go bowling.  If she presses you just say no thank you.   Don't explain.  Just disappear.  If that doesn't work you can tell her the friendship isn't working for you & she's too much for you.  After that all you can do is block & move on 

[Wiseman2]

With toxic or dramatic or clingy people it's better to quietly tiptoe out of the situation. These types want attention and drama, so any confrontation will feed that. Be extremely busy. Make new friends.

[ShyViolet]

You don't "phase her out", you stop being friends with her.  It's up to you if you want to ghost her and block her, or tell her that this friendship is not working for you and you won't be continuing it, and then block her and be done with her.  But you need to do one of those.  Be very clear and very direct and stick to it.  You don't let someone keep calling you and keep bothering you when you want nothing to do with them.  Be in control of your own life.

[MsJayne]

On 11/3/2023 at 2:33 AM, Angel29 said:

She must have mental health issues.

Yes, it sounds like it. What you've described is behaviour which causes social dysfunction in her life and which she's unable to recognise. I'd ignore her bowling text, and any other contact she tries to make. Life's hard enough without pandering to the BS that anti-social people dish out. 

[stillafool]

On 11/2/2023 at 12:33 PM, Angel29 said:

She must have mental health issues. She messaged this morning saying only her and one other person are going bowling on Monday. It is as though she was never rude to me and not acknowledged what happened. I certainly don't want to go bowling with her again so why tell me.

Since you think she has mental health issues and you know you don't ever want to bowl with her again, just block her and forget about it.

[glows]

You could just start your own bowling club. Start with one or two people who may be interested, spread through word of mouth and don’t worry about her. 

I see you’re torn between being her friend and wanting to move on, feeling drained because she won’t accommodate anyone else or doesn’t seem to care about others. I couldn’t tell you why she’s like that - whether she has always shown little regard or not cared ever for anyone in her life or whether she has mental health issues developed over time or why she has hardened so badly towards others.

At some point you owe it to yourself to step away and live your life in a way that suits you better - one where you’re getting enough sleep. Also clubs and activities like this should be fun and not stressful. Isn’t that the whole point? To have fun? If it’s no longer fun make it a priority to decide whether it’s time to leave and move on.