M(47) with F(53) Understanding New Position

[ArmyCubby47]

In my relationship I am a M(47) and I have been with a F(53) for almost 2 years.  Unfortunately, early on in the relationship I was unfaithful due to my selfishness and her intrusive and controlling behavior.  Her intrusiveness and controlling behavior continued and I continued talking to people.  It did not go anywhere and I have been on the straight and narrow since.  Last year, I bought a house and she moved in with me.  We wanted the new house to be a fresh start but it has been anything but that.  Any arguments she finds an excuse to bring up my infidelity.  Arguments that have nothing to do with the infidelity in the first place.  Just recently, she purposefully positioned the pillows on the bed to accuse me of doing something behind her back.  I was not doing anything behind her back and proved it to her.  Now she is saying that she wants a relationship like her best friend who is married.  She tells me that they share everything and she has access to all his accounts, laptop, phone, etc.  We were both married twice before and both of our spouses cheated on us. Also my 2nd wife stole money from my account.  So now, I do not share accounts with anyone.  I will not share an account with a significant other again.  I believe that she is responsible for her bills as I am responsible for mine.  I pay the mortgage, and 90% of the utilities.  She does not even pay anything to the mortgage because that was the arrangement initially.  When we first moved in she could not afford to pay half the mortgage as we planned so I covered it.  I have been covering it all this time by myself and now 90% of the utilities.  She has been irresponsible with the payment of her car but accuses me of being irresponsible because I missed 1 payment on the water bill.  I don't feel the need to share my accounts with her.  The house is solely in my name due to it being a VA loan and she is not my spouse. She wants a relationship like her friend who is married with kids and we are both empty nesters separately.  Not sure what to do or how to navigate this.  Any help with this is greatly appreciated.  

[stillafool]

I completely agree with you not to give her access to your bank accounts, laptop, or phone.  You aren't married to her.  Why does she need access to things that have nothing to do with her?  Are you planning to marry her, is that what she wants?

[ArmyCubby47]

No, I was very clear from day 1 that I do not want to get married again.  She expressed the same and I was good to continue the relationship.  Now, she is saying things like you don't want to marry me and that I want my cake and eat it too.  I don't want to marry anyone every again.  It has nothing to do with being the right person.  I don't believe in marriage unless it is for a specific reason that benefits us both.  

[ShyViolet]

Thank goodness that the house is solely in your name.  If it was in both of your names, this would be a disaster.

It was a mistake for you to move in with her when the relationshp has had so many fundamental problems in the less than two years that it has been going on.  She has a history of being controlling, and you already cheated.  Why not just admit that you and her are not a good match, and end it?  Tell her that she needs to move out.  This is unlikely to get any better.  It will only get worse.

[ArmyCubby47]

I am feeling the same way.  Before there was a lot of guilt on my part because of what I did.  I did not want to just put her out because I want to do the right thing by her.  I do need to sit and discuss this with her and come to a final decision about the relationship.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ArmyCubby47 said:

  The house is solely in my name due to it being a VA loan and she is not my spouse. 

It seems like a living hell to live together. There's absolutely no reason for her to have access to your accounts. 

Please give her adequate legal notice to move out. You're not compatible and you're wearing each other out with distrust and unreasonable demands. 

 

[ArmyCubby47]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like a living hell to live together. There's absolutely no reason for her to have access to your accounts. 

Please give her adequate legal notice to move out. You're not compatible and you're wearing each other out with distrust and unreasonable demands. 

 

Thank you for your insight and comment.  

[ArmyCubby47]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

Thank goodness that the house is solely in your name.  If it was in both of your names, this would be a disaster.

It was a mistake for you to move in with her when the relationshp has had so many fundamental problems in the less than two years that it has been going on.  She has a history of being controlling, and you already cheated.  Why not just admit that you and her are not a good match, and end it?  Tell her that she needs to move out.  This is unlikely to get any better.  It will only get worse.

Thank you for your point of view.  

[NuevoYorko]

I'm always concerned when I read a post that goes into detail about all kinds of misdeeds committed by the OP's partner,  and not even a single reason why they supposedly like - nevermind "love" the person.   

You have not shared any good reason that you should be putting yourself through all of the financial and personal issues brought about by your relationship with this woman.  So why are you in it?

[ArmyCubby47]

3 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I'm always concerned when I read a post that goes into detail about all kinds of misdeeds committed by the OP's partner,  and not even a single reason why they supposedly like - nevermind "love" the person.   

You have not shared any good reason that you should be putting yourself through all of the financial and personal issues brought about by your relationship with this woman.  So why are you in it?

That is a good question. I do love her and we have stretches of time that are good.  It is only recently that these questions have come up.  She feels that it is because I do not trust her.  That is not the case at all.  I made a promise to myself that I would never allow myself to share accounts with anyone ever again.  Then the argument turns to what if something happens to you, what do I do then?  I have made these arrangements ahead of time and showed her where this information is.  So there is no reason for her to have access to my accounts.  I care deeply for her but these are things I feel are deal breakers especially since I was clear from the start about them.  She knew going into this relationship that I am not getting married again and I will not give access to my accounts.  Nothing has changed.

[NuevoYorko]

Sounds like the two of you need to sit down and have a conversation about boundaries.  She needs to respect yours - or, if she's unwilling or unable to do that, she should move on.

I don't disagree with your decision to never share accounts etc. with anyone again.  Do check yourself, though, for the possibility that you may be bringing  some bad baggage from your past into this relationship.   She might be as well.

Do you trust her?

[ArmyCubby47]

2 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Sounds like the two of you need to sit down and have a conversation about boundaries.  She needs to respect yours - or, if she's unwilling or unable to do that, she should move on.

I don't disagree with your decision to never share accounts etc. with anyone again.  Do check yourself, though, for the possibility that you may be bringing  some bad baggage from your past into this relationship.   She might be as well.

Do you trust her?

I agree that I have trauma from when my ex stole from my accounts and it has left me feeling I need to be more careful.  I do trust her, or I would have never bought the house and have her move in.  I believe that if she take care of her responsibilities and I take care of mine we will be fine.  I opened a savings account that I am willing to share with her for things like trips or weekend getaways. Something we can work on together.  

[stillafool]

Yeah it sounds like she's doing the old bait and switch on you.  She probably knew she wanted to get married when she moved in with you and thought with time spent with her you'd change your mind.  Much like women who say they don't want a relationship with a guy so they settle for a FWB arrangement hoping it will turn into a relationship.  I agree you should make her move out.  She's being unreasonable.

[basil67]

It's not looking good, is it.  I understand you made your views clear at the start of the relationship and she thought she'd be OK with it.  But now that she's living it,  it turns out that it doesn't sit well with her.   So you really have a choice of compromising with her or probably having her leave the relationship. 

With regards to your cheating, she's still bringing it up because she's traumatised over it.  This is probably exacerbated by her having been cheated on previously.  Does she know that you partially blame her for your cheating?  

[ArmyCubby47]

16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It's not looking good, is it.  I understand you made your views clear at the start of the relationship and she thought she'd be OK with it.  But now that she's living it,  it turns out that it doesn't sit well with her.   So you really have a choice of compromising with her or probably having her leave the relationship. 

With regards to your cheating, she's still bringing it up because she's traumatised over it.  This is probably exacerbated by her having been cheated on previously.  Does she know that you partially blame her for your cheating?  

I have expressed to her my reasoning and a lot of the time she dismisses it and just calls it selfishness, which it is.  I was selfish because I felt smothered and controlled.  Instead of doing the right thing and ending the relationship I was stupid and I allowed it to hurt her and myself.  I still torture myself with the guilt and will always as this was the first time I have ever cheated.  

[MsJayne]

Quite a hard situation. I believe that even if you're married your spouse still shouldn't have access to your bank accounts, and no one has the right to demand access to laptops, 'phones, etc, unless they're a policeman with a warrant.  As far as division of expenses goes, it's 50-50 unless one person earns significantly more and volunteers to contribute a larger portion. You don't want to get married a third time, but you do want a woman to live with you, and that's what she means by having your cake, etc. The fact that you got married twice says you're the marrying kind, so really all you're doing in this relationship is forcing her to go along with your terms and punishing her for what previous partners have done, and she must be questioning why she's not good enough to marry. That, coupled with your early-on cheating, would be enough to make any partner insecure and distrustful, and start questioning what your true motivation for being in the relationship is. If you've never been married for spiritual reasons it's acceptable, but when you've been married before and decide you'll never make that commitment again you're effectively sending the toxic message that you think all women are the same - greedy gold diggers out to steal your money, and it also infers that you've never fully moved on from your other relationships. If you're genuinely concerned that she's a financial risk and don't want to make her your wife, let her go. 

[ArmyCubby47]

2 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Quite a hard situation. I believe that even if you're married your spouse still shouldn't have access to your bank accounts, and no one has the right to demand access to laptops, 'phones, etc, unless they're a policeman with a warrant.  As far as division of expenses goes, it's 50-50 unless one person earns significantly more and volunteers to contribute a larger portion. You don't want to get married a third time, but you do want a woman to live with you, and that's what she means by having your cake, etc. The fact that you got married twice says you're the marrying kind, so really all you're doing in this relationship is forcing her to go along with your terms and punishing her for what previous partners have done, and she must be questioning why she's not good enough to marry. That, coupled with your early-on cheating, would be enough to make any partner insecure and distrustful, and start questioning what your true motivation for being in the relationship is. If you've never been married for spiritual reasons it's acceptable, but when you've been married before and decide you'll never make that commitment again you're effectively sending the toxic message that you think all women are the same - greedy gold diggers out to steal your money, and it also infers that you've never fully moved on from your other relationships. If you're genuinely concerned that she's a financial risk and don't want to make her your wife, let her go. 

Thank you I appreciate your point of view.  It is a lot to think about.  

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, ArmyCubby47 said:

I have expressed to her my reasoning and a lot of the time she dismisses it and just calls it selfishness, which it is.  I was selfish because I felt smothered and controlled.  Instead of doing the right thing and ending the relationship I was stupid and I allowed it to hurt her and myself.  I still torture myself with the guilt and will always as this was the first time I have ever cheated.  

And this is one of the reasons she's having trouble getting over it - you're blaming her for your actions.   You weren't selfish because you felt smothered. You were selfish because you chose to be selfish.  

All in all it very much sounds like this relationship is too toxic to continue....from both your sides.  It's time to end it

 

[ArmyCubby47]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

And this is one of the reasons she's having trouble getting over it - you're blaming her for your actions.   You weren't selfish because you felt smothered. You were selfish because you chose to be selfish.  

All in all it very much sounds like this relationship is too toxic to continue....from both your sides.  It's time to end it

 

Thank you and you're right.  

[Alpacalia]

Well, sounds like you landed yourself where you started. You tried to recreate a "fresh start" with the homemaker identical to your last choice and bang, it didn't work again.

You need to look at yourself as to why are you an enabler of that kind of stinking thinking 47 years on. This relationship is a drop-zone for her and she is going to have an exiting time with it.

She will never trust you again. You made your bed.

Find a new girl meant for you and let her do the same.

Edited November 2, 2023 by Alpacalia

[d0nnivain]

You are still being controlled & manipulated.  Last time you responded to that by cheating  You are not married.  You are miserable.  End it already.  A break up is the answer; cheating never is.  Next. 

[Gaeta]

You're only 2 years together and already a history of cheating, control & intrusiveness, lack of trust. This should tell you this is not going to work. 

It's time you go your separate ways. Help her move out and settle elsewhere then you both continue on different path. 

[mark clemson]

People change over time. If that leads to changes in the fundamental parameters of the relationship (such as now demanding access to your info) you do have to re-assess whether to continue. Sometimes reasonable compromises can be made, sometimes not.

Being met with false accusations is bad enough, if somewhat understandable under the circumstances. However, engineering phony evidence for them (the pillow re-arrangement) is a BIG red flag. She is no longer interested in facts, she is interested in "proving her own theories right" even if they aren't, and seems to be treating you as "the enemy", not an ally or partner. This might possibly indicate she is delusional.

For me, I believe that would be a cue to leave. She may have developed problems you'll never be able to fix; even if she hasn't the relationship seems to have some very serious issues at this point.

Edited November 2, 2023 by mark clemson

[spiderowl]

On 11/1/2023 at 6:08 PM, ArmyCubby47 said:

No, I was very clear from day 1 that I do not want to get married again.  She expressed the same and I was good to continue the relationship.  Now, she is saying things like you don't want to marry me and that I want my cake and eat it too.  I don't want to marry anyone every again.  It has nothing to do with being the right person.  I don't believe in marriage unless it is for a specific reason that benefits us both.  

It sounds like she is feeling insecure in the relationship (understandably as you were unfaithful).  Quite honestly, you two were not getting on well from the start as she is controlling (you say) and it does not sound like you chose to be with her, more ended up with her.  I cannot see why you two are together.  She is not happy with the current situation where she is living with you but not married and a full part of the relationship; you are not happy with her controlling behaviour and lack of financial sense.  If you don't want to marry her, why are you with her?  She has no legal protection in the current relationship so it would be sensible for her to leave it and find a more secure situation for herself.  You do not seem to want to share much with her and you are paying for most things.  She is in a vulnerable position so if you don't want to share your life with her in the future, it is best for both of you that you separate and she finds herself someone more committed to her.

[BaileyB]

On 11/1/2023 at 12:18 PM, ArmyCubby47 said:

I was unfaithful due to my selfishness and her intrusive and controlling behavior.  Her intrusiveness and controlling behavior continued and I continued talking to people. 

Let’s be brutally honest here, you need to take responsibility for your own decisions and stop blaming her for your decision to cheat. If you feel like your partner is intrusive and controlling - you end the relationship. You don’t have sex with another woman and blame your partner.

To answer your question, I don’t share passwords and allow my partner to monitor my accounts because we have trust in our relationship. She is making this request because she does not trust you, and she has good reason not to trust you. If/when you start to behave in a more trustworthy way, she will stop being intrusive, controlling, and she won’t feel the need to monitor your activity. 

My suggestion, if you haven’t already you should consider couple counselling to rebuild the trust and heal the past trauma you have both experienced (in this, and other relationships). Otherwise, I think you should call it - I’ve long said, the day I don’t trust my partner and feel the need to monitor his activity lest he cheat on me is the day that I file for divorce. Seriously. 

Edited November 4, 2023 by BaileyB