Perfect first date - but flakey on text/bad texter

[unbeknown]

Hi looking for some input if possible.

So I went on what I would describe as a textbook first date. I’ve been on a 8-9 dates recently and there was always some kind of awkwardness or silence but the conversation here just flowed so good. Not a single time I had to think of what to say it was so natural. I can’t work out if she is naturally like this or was genuinely interested but she was touching me a lot throughout on the arm and hands. She complimented my style and clothes as did I to her. I made her laugh a lot. Uncontrollably on times. She had such a nice energy. We went on to two bars as the first one closed. So much in common and shared all the same views. She was so thankful for me taking her out saying how much she loved the choice of bars.

I offered to walk her home and she was grateful. She was even teasing me when I said can I just get a water in the shop she said no jokingly. I walked her back and she invited me in whilst I waited for my cab. I suggested another date and she seemed genuinely interested, not just a "yeah that sounds good" but with enthusiasm. We kissed as I left. She leaned in to it and put her arm around me. She was only drinking half pints so wouldn't have been drunk either. Text when I got home and she replied but she doesn’t seem a big texter which is fine but she read my last message immediately and didn't reply for 9 hours.

Her texting was off from before the date anyway so it's not new. She would not answer all questions and would answer briefly. I sent a reply last night and offered 2 date options, one for Sunday and said if you're not too hungover (she's going to a works do) and a second option of a gig I have hospitality tickets for on Tuesday. She read it again immediately but didn't reply until the next day at 7pm. She asked me a question if I had listened to her podcast recommendation yet. So she's keeping the conversation going. But she said "I hate to be noncommittal but just in case I am extremely hungover maybe best not plan for Sunday”. No mention of Tue and no counter offer. How do I play this? I felt I kind of gave her an out here by asking for a second date where she could have said she didn’t see us romantically. But she’s also not counter offered a day.

How do I follow it up, I’ve never had a connection like this with anyone after a first date so don’t want to mess it up.

Do I just ask her outright what days are you free next week?

Dating was bad when I was in my 20's I thought in my 30's it would be a but smoother with people knowing what they want. Wrong.

Getting frustrated with people showing so much genuine interest and then being cold. It's really not hard to not kiss someone on a date. Maybe that's just me? I certainly wouldn't be kissing anyone I'm not interested in.

 

Thanks in advance

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, unbeknown said:

. But she said "I hate to be noncommittal but just in case I am extremely hungover maybe best not plan for Sunday”. No mention of Tue and no counter offer. 

The date seems to have gone well. She doesn't seem like much of a texter. All you can do is leave the ball in her court and say something like "let me know when you would like to get together again".

As an aside, picking weekdays and picking specific days in general rather than asking for a mutually convenient time often fails for this reason. You may hear from dating coaches and whatnot that to be assertive you have to mention a specific date time place etc to "lead".  However it's nonsensical to pick times and days that aren't mutually convenient. 

[unbeknown]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The date seems to have gone well. She doesn't seem like much of a texter. All you can do is leave the ball in her court and say something like "let me know when you would like to get together again".

As an aside, picking weekdays and picking specific days in general rather than asking for a mutually convenient time often fails for this reason. You may hear from dating coaches and whatnot that to be assertive you have to mention a specific date time place etc to "lead".  However it's nonsensical to pick times and days that aren't mutually convenient. 

Thanks. she's definitely not big on texting. I'm 33M she's 31F and a nurse so is busy often. Yeah totally true about me saying specific days, I don't know her schedule (and typically I'm always a lot more free with my job flexibility anyway). Was going to say Yeah no stress. Let me know when you’re free next week if you’d like to see me again. But don't know if that's too much. I'm overthinking it to be honest.

[glows]

I think she’s not as interested as you are. For any number or variety of reasons she isn’t wanting to “commit” on a date and said so herself, being fully aware she may be sounding “non-committal”. From this gal’s language to the way she’s responding she isn’t as pushed to meet you. She may feel like you’re so eager as well for the both of you that it’s a turn off but that’s not your fault. She just doesn’t match your energy or desire to see one another again.

I know I often am very sociable at events or on dates and almost never reveal what I truly think or if I think disparagingly of someone. I like to make others feel good around me and that sometimes backfires or is misinterpreted. There is a likelihood she truly enjoyed herself that evening but she isn’t that interested in seeing you again. I don’t think you should take this personally. It’s not in good taste giving negative and poor vibes while on a date. Her true interest in seeing you again would be in matching your interest level and energy planning the next date and that is not there.

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, unbeknown said:

Thanks. she's definitely not big on texting. I'm 33M she's 31F and a nurse so is busy often. Yeah totally true about me saying specific days, I don't know her schedule (and typically I'm always a lot more free with my job flexibility anyway). Was going to say Yeah no stress. Let me know when you’re free next week if you’d like to see me again. But don't know if that's too much. I'm overthinking it to be honest.

 

i don’t know what you talked about with her job as a nurse but these schedules can be chaotic and switching shifts and not be a simple M-F 9-5 type of job.

 

it seemed to go well but it’s hard to say how she feels about date 2.

Edited November 2, 2023 by Ami1uwant

[MsJayne]

Wait a day or so and then ask her when she has time to get together. Say you have a window between, example, Tuesday and Friday next week, and give her the option. She's a nurse, you know they have odd work schedules so don't write her off, allow her to choose the day and that might take the pressure off her. If she wasn't interested she wouldn't have invited you in or given you a goodnight kiss. 

[unbeknown]

49 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

If she wasn't interested she wouldn't have invited you in or given you a goodnight kiss. 

Thanks. This is my thought process. People can be polite and make the date still go okay if not interested but I wouldn’t invite anyone in or certainly not kiss them if I wasn’t interested. 

[unbeknown]

Ah well, she replied. Fairly quickly this time. I replied to her message and asked her “let me know what days you’re free next week if you’d like to meet up again” and she replied “I will ☺️☺️”. Guess that’s a no then. Why would someone show so much interest, kiss me, then not clearly communicate. She could easily say she’s not interested. I just don’t get it. 

[Alpacalia]

12 hours ago, unbeknown said:

It's really not hard to not kiss someone on a date. Maybe that's just me? I certainly wouldn't be kissing anyone I'm not interested in.

 

I wouldn't either.

Maybe she was tipsy and let herself get carried away. Be kind to yourself and before you get invested in someone practice separating reality from hope. Nothing is real until you feel them investing and acting accordingly.

Whatever her reason- don't look backwards- there's a reason that windshields are huge and rearviews are miniscule.🙂

Edited November 2, 2023 by Alpacalia

[d0nnivain]

13 hours ago, unbeknown said:

Her texting was off from before the date anyway so it's not new. She would not answer all questions and would answer briefly. I sent a reply last night and offered 2 date options, one for Sunday and said if you're not too hungover (she's going to a works do) and a second option of a gig I have hospitality tickets for on Tuesday. She read it again immediately but didn't reply until the next day at 7pm. She asked me a question if I had listened to her podcast recommendation yet. So she's keeping the conversation going. But she said "I hate to be noncommittal but just in case I am extremely hungover maybe best not plan for Sunday”. No mention of Tue and no counter offer. How do I play this? I felt I kind of gave her an out here by asking for a second date where she could have said she didn’t see us romantically. But she’s also not counter offered a day.

How do I follow it up, I’ve never had a connection like this with anyone after a first date so don’t want to mess it up.

Do I just ask her outright what days are you free next week?

You gave her options but although she said no to one she never said yes to the other.  I would not ask her what days she's free at this point.  I would follow up with the Tuesday offer:   "I am still going to the gig on Tuesday.  Are you coming with me?  If not I will make other plans."   Give her 24 hours to get back to you (don't tell her that) then offer the ticket to somebody else.  Do not sit around & wait for her to make up her mind. 

Once she accepts or declines, set up a 3rd date with a specific place & time.  If she's not jumping at that or countering you have to assume she's not as interested as you are.  Her latest reply about getting back to you shows you are not a priority for her.  Sorry.  

This isn't about being a bad texter.  This woman is rude / uninterested.   I'm a bad texter.  I don't jump into threads.  I don't want to have a long conversation.  If the subject takes more than 1 sentence to deal with, I'll call.  She's not responding.  That is a completely different sin.  She's leaving you hanging.  

Edited November 2, 2023 by d0nnivain

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, unbeknown said:

 she replied “I will ☺️☺️”. Guess that’s a no then. 

This isn't necessarily a no. All you can do is see if she gets back to you when her workplace posts her schedule. Please keep in mind after one date you're both still talking to and meeting others so no one is a priority yet.

  The date went well and that's great but strangely one-and-done happen even after good chemistry. The only issue is the date dragged on way too long with too much drinking and definitely should not have ended in her place. Keep first meets much briefer and ask for a second date at the end instead of oversaturation on the first meet.

[Gaeta]

This is one of those you have to drop and move on.

She is not interested. A lot of women have a hard time rejecting men and prefer just being uninterested until the man gets it. When I was dating it happened I went on a great first date, even had a little kiss at the end and when I got home decided I was not really interested. When a woman will be genuinely interested you will feel it in your gut, she will leave no room for you to think she might not be interested. 

Edited November 2, 2023 by Gaeta

[unbeknown]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

You gave her options but although she said no to one she never said yes to the other.  I would not ask her what days she's free at this point.  I would follow up with the Tuesday offer:   "I am still going to the gig on Tuesday.  Are you coming with me?  If not I will make other plans."   Give her 24 hours to get back to you (don't tell her that) then offer the ticket to somebody else.  Do not sit around & wait for her to make up her mind. 

Once she accepts or declines, set up a 3rd date with a specific place & time.  If she's not jumping at that or countering you have to assume she's not as interested as you are.  Her latest reply about getting back to you shows you are not a priority for her.  Sorry.  

This isn't about being a bad texter.  This woman is rude / uninterested.   I'm a bad texter.  I don't jump into threads.  I don't want to have a long conversation.  If the subject takes more than 1 sentence to deal with, I'll call.  She's not responding.  That is a completely different sin.  She's leaving you hanging.  

Thanks. She is genuinely a bad texter. Setting up the first date she said yes to a drink. So I said what days are you free, I forgot I have plans Thursday as I’m helping out to get festival tickets. She replied sounds exciting. No mention of the days she was free. I had to follow it up and then she told me her free days. So it’s nothing new. 
 

but I realise ultimately if someone was truly interested they would probably make themselves available. But she has always been this wishy washy with definitive plans. 

[unbeknown]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

This isn't necessarily a no. All you can do is see if she gets back to you when her workplace posts her schedule. Please keep in mind after one date you're both still talking to and meeting others so no one is a priority yet.

  The date went well and that's great but strangely one-and-done happen even after good chemistry. The only issue is the date dragged on way too long with too much drinking and definitely should not have ended in her place. Keep first meets much briefer and ask for a second date at the end instead of oversaturation on the first meet.

Thanks. I only had 3 drinks. She was drinking small halves so I don’t believe she was tipsy/drunk. She works as a nurse and it’s her birthday Friday tomorrow. And she has a work training graduation night Saturday so she is fairly busy at the moment so that can be appropriated. 

She was walking home so I offered to walk her as it’s dark and an unsavoury area so not sure how to not end it at hers. I was expecting to walk back to town to get a cab but she invited me in. I even stated I’ll head back in. So again I take that as interest. I often wonder what goes on in people’s heads to show this much interest and not follow up with a second date to get to know each other better. 
can appreciate if it was an awkward date or conversation was dead but the whole night was electric. I know if I wait for her to message about her days I’ll never hear from her so I feel it’s more no than anything. 
 

i feel I’ve given her an out saying “….if you went to meet when” she could so easily say thanks for the offer but I dint see us being more then friends. I’d just like to know either way. 

[unbeknown]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I wouldn't either.

Maybe she was tipsy and let herself get carried away. Be kind to yourself and before you get invested in someone practice separating reality from hope. Nothing is real until you feel them investing and acting accordingly.

Whatever her reason- don't look backwards- there's a reason that windshields are huge and rearviews are miniscule.🙂

Thanks. She only had 3 small drinks. She had half pints so not sure she would be that drunk. I even said on her doorstep after walking her home I’d head back to town to get a cab but she invited me in. And she leaned in to the kiss and put her arm around me so wasn’t just an awkward peck. I’m over analysing but genuinely was so much interest. I can give her the benefit of the doubt maybe and see how it goes over the next few days and follow up Monday. She’s very busy tomorrow her birthday and a work posh do Saturday so she’s pre occupied for sure. 

[Gaeta]

24 minutes ago, unbeknown said:

No mention of the days she was free. I had to follow it up and then she told me her free days.

I would not call that a bad texter, that sounds like someone who's multi-dating and waiting to hear on what else can come up that would be more interesting to her.

Bad texter just don't look at their phone but when they do they give you real answers if they're genuine.

[d0nnivain]

29 minutes ago, unbeknown said:

but I realise ultimately if someone was truly interested they would probably make themselves available. But she has always been this wishy washy with definitive plans. 

She could just suck at plans.   She may also need more flexibility given her profession. 

I'm a planner; many of my close friends are too. Yesterday a group of us sat down & made plans for the 4th of July and next September.   

DH is not a planner.  He has learned to show up when & where he's told.  He agrees in advance but can't remember that long so it's easier to just go ahead.  

Keep trying if you like.  

[Gaeta]

20 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

DH is not a planner.  He has learned to show up when & where he's told

Cause we let men get away with so many things 🙂 I feel by the time women enter adulthood we are programmed to plan ahead and follow up on everything - we have the mental load in this society. She's a nurse probably with variable shifts so she has to be good at planning her life around those shifts. When she calls her hair stylist or dentist I am sure she knows what her schedule is for the next 2 weeks. If she was interested she would offer the same courtesy to OP.

Edited November 2, 2023 by Gaeta

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, unbeknown said:

I can give her the benefit of the doubt maybe and see how it goes over the next few days and follow up Monday. 

Why on earth would you need to follow up on Monday? She's already told you she'll let you know. Live your life. If you hear back from her, great. You can then respond. If you don't hear back from her, that's okay. You can then focus on communicating with someone else.

[unbeknown]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

This is one of those you have to drop and move on.

She is not interested. A lot of women have a hard time rejecting men and prefer just being uninterested until the man gets it. When I was dating it happened I went on a great first date, even had a little kiss at the end and when I got home decided I was not really interested. When a woman will be genuinely interested you will feel it in your gut, she will leave no room for you to think she might not be interested. 

Why do they do this though? Maybe younger girls might not have the emotional intelligence to communicate but as adults it's really not difficult to say I'm not romantically feeling a connection. I went on a date with another girl in August and the conversation was okay but nothing incredible. She text when she got home to thank me for a nice evening but she didn't see it being more than friends. No problem. I thanked her and we both moved on.

When they do this ghosting/slow fade it just confuses me as she did seem genuinely interested on the date. And she's still asking questions in her texts. My ex (who I was with for 7 years) started off with little interest like this. She didn't want a relationship at first and would be flakey organising dates. I can tall the difference between a good and bad date. There was too many positives. So maybe I just ask her a specific event like viewing some art at a gallery and say let me know either way if not interested that's totally cool.

I'm not in to games. But I have been on dates with girls similar to this before but with less interest and they've progressed. I know everyone's different but I'd rather know yes or know I suppose.

[Gaeta]

24 minutes ago, unbeknown said:

Why do they do this though?

It's a complex question with a complex answer that's why you cannot waste time on 'understanding' the whys, leave that to the psychologists of this world. Your job is to identify early when someone is not giving you their sustained attention. Lets say this woman is interested in you, do you really want to date someone that half reads your text, that has a scattered brain and can't remember her schedule 24 hours ahead, someone that says she will get back to you but does not.  If she makes you feel like you're a second thought, then you probably are. when a woman is really interested in a man she checks her schedule because she doesn't want to miss an opportunity & she reads his every words.

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, unbeknown said:

Thanks. She only had 3 small drinks. She had half pints so not sure she would be that drunk. I even said on her doorstep after walking her home I’d head back to town to get a cab but she invited me in. And she leaned in to the kiss and put her arm around me so wasn’t just an awkward peck. I’m over analysing but genuinely was so much interest. I can give her the benefit of the doubt maybe and see how it goes over the next few days and follow up Monday. She’s very busy tomorrow her birthday and a work posh do Saturday so she’s pre occupied for sure. 

I don't know.

Some people like to do the stupid rotation dating thing.

Edited November 2, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, unbeknown said:

. She’s very busy tomorrow her birthday and a work posh do Saturday so she’s pre occupied for sure. 

Please try to be patient. Keep in mind people have full lives before they meet someone new and have to make room.

 She seems into you and seems to have a lot going on, which she clearly explained and told you about. She didn't ghost or "play games", she did reply that she'll let you know. . Wish her a happy birthday and if she contacts you next week great, if not, just try to brush it off.

[Maldives]

On 11/2/2023 at 9:05 AM, unbeknown said:

Hi looking for some input if possible.

So I went on what I would describe as a textbook first date. I’ve been on a 8-9 dates recently and there was always some kind of awkwardness or silence but the conversation here just flowed so good. Not a single time I had to think of what to say it was so natural. I can’t work out if she is naturally like this or was genuinely interested but she was touching me a lot throughout on the arm and hands. She complimented my style and clothes as did I to her. I made her laugh a lot. Uncontrollably on times. She had such a nice energy. We went on to two bars as the first one closed. So much in common and shared all the same views. She was so thankful for me taking her out saying how much she loved the choice of bars.

I offered to walk her home and she was grateful. She was even teasing me when I said can I just get a water in the shop she said no jokingly. I walked her back and she invited me in whilst I waited for my cab. I suggested another date and she seemed genuinely interested, not just a "yeah that sounds good" but with enthusiasm. We kissed as I left. She leaned in to it and put her arm around me. She was only drinking half pints so wouldn't have been drunk either. Text when I got home and she replied but she doesn’t seem a big texter which is fine but she read my last message immediately and didn't reply for 9 hours.

Her texting was off from before the date anyway so it's not new. She would not answer all questions and would answer briefly. I sent a reply last night and offered 2 date options, one for Sunday and said if you're not too hungover (she's going to a works do) and a second option of a gig I have hospitality tickets for on Tuesday. She read it again immediately but didn't reply until the next day at 7pm. She asked me a question if I had listened to her podcast recommendation yet. So she's keeping the conversation going. But she said "I hate to be noncommittal but just in case I am extremely hungover maybe best not plan for Sunday”. No mention of Tue and no counter offer. How do I play this? I felt I kind of gave her an out here by asking for a second date where she could have said she didn’t see us romantically. But she’s also not counter offered a day.

How do I follow it up, I’ve never had a connection like this with anyone after a first date so don’t want to mess it up.

Do I just ask her outright what days are you free next week?

Dating was bad when I was in my 20's I thought in my 30's it would be a but smoother with people knowing what they want. Wrong.

Getting frustrated with people showing so much genuine interest and then being cold. It's really not hard to not kiss someone on a date. Maybe that's just me? I certainly wouldn't be kissing anyone I'm not interested in.

 

Thanks in advance

Maybe leave it for a couple of days and follow up. Not getting the feeling she's got the same level of interest as you. I had the same thing happen to me I asked for specific days and she was working in hindsight I probably should have asked her when she's free and gone from there. Having said that she did counter offer the first time but not second time round. I get the feeling she's not that interested but if you wait a few days if she is she will reach out. 

[smackie9]

IMO if they were really interested they would definitely be more available and enthusiastic. She ain't that into you.