Disclose ex relationship?

[sammey64]

I(26f) have been with my bf(30m) for 9 months now. We have a great relationship, and he is a great guy.I grew up very sheltered in a religious household, so when I got to college I kind of lost my mind a little bit. I dated a few guys but it wasn't that serious until I met my ex. It was what I count as my first real relationship not counting high school. Our chemistry was through the roof, we liked the same things, similar hobbies, and overall we were just very similar. We dated seriously for almost a year, then he had to move cities for work. He let me live in the apartment he already had through college and gave me other financial support and things like that. When he moved we saw each other several times a year and had steady contact. It was understood eventually that we were going to see other people, but still had whatever it was that we had going on. This went on until after I graduated college. Our relationship faded and I got sick of whatever it was we were doing. Him being older, our relationship can look real sketch and I am afraid of bf and everyone else making misjudgements about our relationship. My family would probably disown me if they knew and assumed the worst. 

 

My family never knew about my ex, besides my sister, because they would not have approved to put it lightly. My sister caught me off guard asking how my bf felt about it. I told her that he didn't know and asked her why. She feels that this is something I should really tell him if I am serious, but I really don't want to. She has been putting some pressure on me to tell him, so now I am thinking about it. I don't know how he would feel about it. I haven't seen ex since bf and I have been together, but we check in every once in a while. There hasn't been anything between us in years, but I do consider him a friend. I think my sister is falling more into her religious roots lately so I am a little scared she is going to do something or keep going with this because she always kept it between us. Would it be wrong not to tell him? It's not like we have listed for each other who we have dated, but this was a big part of my life for years and now I feel really guilty. I am just so scared how he would react. Would it be wrong not to tell him?

[glows]

What was the age difference? 15 or 20 years? More? How did you meet your ex? I can see why your sister is concerned but think it’s also none of her business. She seems overly concerned about affairs that don’t have much to do with her. If you’re worried she has a wagging tongue and overzealous attitude being some kind of higher power or moral police about other peoples’ relationships then confront her and tell her it’s none of her concern. 

You realize also that this is also your problem not having better boundaries established with your sister? You don’t have to say much or discuss your personal life in such detail going forward.

Having said all that if this does bother you it might be smart to come clean to your bf. He’s going to find out anyway sooner or later as it seems not much time has lapsed since your last break up and you’ve only had 2 boyfriends- your ex and this bf. Why bother being ashamed for who you are or your decisions. You shouldn’t feel ashamed or be shamed.

[MsJayne]

Your sister needs to mind her own business. You weren't still seeing your ex when you got together with your current BF, so it's irrelevant, even more so if you don't feel it's particularly important. You have no feelings other than friendship for your ex and you have minimal contact with him, so your sister is just being self-righteous and intrusive. If she's menacing you with the worry that she'll blab, let her go ahead, that would speak more about her than about you. 

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, sammey64 said:

. She feels that this is something I should really tell him if I am serious, but I really don't want to. She has been putting some pressure on me to tell him, so now I am thinking about it

Your BF doesn't need to know every about your former relationship. What kind of "pressure" is she putting on you? Hopefully you won't cave to this type of manipulation. 

[sammey64]

36 minutes ago, glows said:

What was the age difference? 15 or 20 years? More? How did you meet your ex? I can see why your sister is concerned but think it’s also none of her business. She seems overly concerned about affairs that don’t have much to do with her. If you’re worried she has a wagging tongue and overzealous attitude being some kind of higher power or moral police about other peoples’ relationships then confront her and tell her it’s none of her concern. 

You realize also that this is also your problem not having better boundaries established with your sister? You don’t have to say much or discuss your personal life in such detail going forward.

Having said all that if this does bother you it might be smart to come clean to your bf. He’s going to find out anyway sooner or later as it seems not much time has lapsed since your last break up and you’ve only had 2 boyfriends- your ex and this bf. Why bother being ashamed for who you are or your decisions. You shouldn’t feel ashamed or be shamed.

There is a 17 year age difference, so I am really worried about people (mostly boyfriend) getting the wrong idea. We met on social media. I love my sister and we have always been close, but I wish she would drop it and I'm concerned she's not going to. Shame comes with my family lol. Since we always kept secrets I always felt like secrets were not a big deal, but I have realized it is so different from family and a partner. Like I'm just worried he is going to think I was a prostitute or something when it is not the case.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, sammey64 said:

 I'm just worried he is going to think I was a prostitute or something when it is not the case.

Hopefully your sister will keep your confidences and discontinue the toxic guilt. Unless this was a sugar daddy arrangement,  there's nothing to worry about. Even if it was, it's in the past.

[glows]

3 minutes ago, sammey64 said:

There is a 17 year age difference, so I am really worried about people (mostly boyfriend) getting the wrong idea. We met on social media. I love my sister and we have always been close, but I wish she would drop it and I'm concerned she's not going to. Shame comes with my family lol. Since we always kept secrets I always felt like secrets were not a big deal, but I have realized it is so different from family and a partner. Like I'm just worried he is going to think I was a prostitute or something when it is not the case.

Ohh like that. You mean the sugar daddy kind of thing. Is that what your sister thinks? Because she seems to believe it’s a big deal for some reason. Something is triggering her. You say he helped you financially - do you feel like it was a SD situation?

I agree with MsJayne’s point that revealing or talking bad about you will just make her look like a mean and bitter person. I would hope your boyfriend thinks better of you than what someone else says about you. If he’s not that type of man, he doesn’t need to be in your life. Girl, your confidence needs a bit of a boost. Don’t live in fear like this and work on supporting yourself as well and depend less on anyone (this includes family members or men you’re dating). I know it’s hard developing better boundaries but work on this too and stop letting what others think of you influence who you are and who you want to be.

[sammey64]

23 minutes ago, glows said:

Ohh like that. You mean the sugar daddy kind of thing. Is that what your sister thinks? Because she seems to believe it’s a big deal for some reason. Something is triggering her. You say he helped you financially - do you feel like it was a SD situation?

I agree with MsJayne’s point that revealing or talking bad about you will just make her look like a mean and bitter person. I would hope your boyfriend thinks better of you than what someone else says about you. If he’s not that type of man, he doesn’t need to be in your life. Girl, your confidence needs a bit of a boost. Don’t live in fear like this and work on supporting yourself as well and depend less on anyone (this includes family members or men you’re dating). I know it’s hard developing better boundaries but work on this too and stop letting what others think of you influence who you are and who you want to be.

No I don't think it was, I just think it was unconventional, but I can see elements of it for sure. I doubt anyone would see it that way though. My sister thinks there was some of that, but also thinks it's insane to hide a long and meaningful relationship if I am serious about my boyfriend. I definitely have some lingering family issues.

[glows]

Relationships evolve. It’s probable that your relationship with your sister is evolving too. While it’s wonderful you have a strong relationship with her it seems she doesn’t quite know how to respect you as an individual. You’re not her and she’s not you. You both are different people and allowed to live, think, feel and do things differently.

The tougher issue here I think is accepting your past and not being afraid of misjudgment. If you are misjudged then correct the situation and have your say. So what if some people are ignorant and don’t want to understand you. You then develop appropriate boundaries and move on and make new friends. No need to be rude about it. Just live by your own example. You don’t have to keep being a people pleaser. I’d like to say the same thing as well about your boyfriend. Has he ever given you any reason to think he’s judgmental and closed minded? 

[MsJayne]

3 hours ago, sammey64 said:

I wish she would drop it and I'm concerned she's not going to

So you need to properly confront her about it. Take a stand girl, let her know that tittle-tattling on someone who trusts you, and who you're supposed to care about, is very uncool, even worse given that she's your sister. She can disapprove all she likes, but the decision on whether to tell your BF about this defunct relationship is, (should be), entirely up to you.

 

3 hours ago, sammey64 said:

I'm just worried he is going to think I was a prostitute or something when it is not the case.

You have this mindset because of your upbringing. You've done nothing wrong, (your parents would disagree, but how you live your life is your choice). You were in a relationship with the person, you cared for him, and part of the relationship was that you lived at his place and you had a good lifestyle. You say you count it as your first real relationship, you were his partner, so I'm not getting why your current BF might interpret it as anything else. If the ex kept you on his private island partying non-stop, and hit you up with a line of coke every couple of hours, yep, it might look a bit prostitute-ish, but otherwise you were just a young, inexperienced girl finding your way in life and lucked out being with a guy who made your life easier. If anyone should feel bad in this scenario, it's your family for making you feel that you have to hide who you are. 

 

 

[basil67]

It's not uncommon to see posters here write about how they've just discovered that a partner's "friend" is actually an "ex" and they feel very deceived.  And I think this is quite understandable.  While it's none of your sister's business, I think she is trying to follow the ethical route

With this in mind, if you want to have your ex as a friend I think it's only fair that you disclose your history with him and make sure your partner is comfortable with it.  Or if you want to keep the history to yourself, tell your ex that you need to let go of him in order to focus on your future.   He's old enough and with enough life experiences that he will understand and wish you well.  And if he doesn't do this, then all the more reason to drop him.

[FMW]

8 hours ago, sammey64 said:

There hasn't been anything between us in years, but I do consider him a friend.

If you interact with him on a regular basis, then it would probably be best to tell your boyfriend that you once had a romantic relationship.  No need to go into a lot of details.

But if (1) you don't see him and your boyfriend and he will seldom if ever cross paths, and/or (2) unless you and your boyfriend have made a point of discussing all your previous relationships and you only left out this guy, I don't see a reason to tell him much or anything. 

As for your sister, I would tell her, nicely, that your relationships and what you reveal are your business and to please honor your choices in the matter. She needs to let it go and mind her own business.   

[Alpacalia]

If it's important for you to maintain a friendship with your ex then go ahead and mention it to your boyfriend. Tell him that you understand that it may make him feel a little uncomfortable, but assure him that it's nothing more than a friendship. Because, if you continue to have contact with your ex and not tell your boyfriend, then it may cause some issues in your relationship down the line.

But only if YOU want to, not because your sister said so.

Because, keeping in infrequent contact with an ex isn't a big deal, or is it?

Share when YOU are matured enough...not when your sister tells you is OK. Our comfort levels emerge from OUR personality and upbringing. 

You seem to have a lot of guilt around your ex. Ask yourself if you are still holding onto him in some way. It's time to let go of any guilt or residual feelings you may have for your ex and move on fully with your new relationship. Would telling your boyfriend about your past relationship serve any purpose for your current relationship? 

Figure that out for yourself and talk to your boyfriend. A serious relationship does build on honesty and trust. Don't just confess because your sister says so if you don't feel ready or comfortable with the thought.

[stillafool]

So what if your first boyfriend was 17 years older.   You loved him and he helped you out.  You weren't using him.  Go ahead and tell your bf about it.  Don't tell him with shame on your face but be proud.  There's nothing to be ashamed of.
 

[d0nnivain]

Your BF needs to know you still occasionally "check in" with in an EX.  Your BF does not need any other details about the relationship with the BF.  He can know stuff.  You can talk about the guy in passing.  Don't sit down & have some sort of detailed confession.  

For some people having their SO claim that an EX is an "old friend" is a misnomer.  An EX is an EX.  Unless this was some HS crush you held hands with for 6 weeks,  staying in deliberate contact with an EX is a deal breaker.  I have a few EXs around that I say hello to & make small talk with if I bump into them but I don't go out of my way to call them, text them or stay connected on social media.   

IMO it's uncool to lie to your current SO about the true nature of your past relationship with somebody by mislabeling an EX a mere "friend"  

[ShyViolet]

You really need to establish better boundaries with your sister, and your sister needs to learn to mind her business.  It is not her place to interfere in your personal life and in your relationship, or to threaten to tell your bf anything.  If I had a relative telling me how to live my life or trying to interfere in my business, I would not tolerate it and I would put them in their place very quickly.  You really need to stand up for yourself more.

I don't see what there is to "disclose" here.  You had a past relationship.  When dating, everyone understands that everyone else has a past.  Unless they have represented themselves as someone who has no relationship experience and is brand new to dating.  If your bf was interested in the details of your past relationships, I think he would have asked you about it.  "Disclosing" the details about past relationships is not something you need to do.