Worried my relationship lacks balance

[Hattergal]

Hi there. 

I've been in a relationship for almost 9 months now. On the whole, things are good: we share similar interests, have a similar sense of humour, and we've done the usual progressions (become exclusive, said 'I love you' etc). But I'm starting to get a little frustrated as I feel like the relationship is perhaps a little one-sided in some respects. 

We live in different cities, around a 1hr 15min drive apart, which is fine. He was upfront with me early on that I would need to visit him more often than he visits me because he has a teenage son who gets bored when he's not near his friends or his gaming console (which I completely understand). I was fine with this and appreciated his honesty. I've since spent A LOT of evenings and weekends at his and created a bit of a bond with his son. I've also met a lot of his friends and they've welcomed me into their little circle - which is great because I'm from a different part of the country originally and don't have many of my own friends here yet (I do have close family living nearby).

However, after 9 months of dating, my boyfriend has only been to my town twice. It's become an expectation that I will always go to his. And if I ask him if he'd like to come to mine on a set date a few weekends in advance, he says he'll check what his plans are with his friends and get back to me. He never does get back to me and I wind up going to his. It sometimes feels as though he won't commit to a weekend at mine through fear of missing out on plans with his friends back home, like he's waiting to see what they're up to before committing to plans with me.

The frustrating thing is that he'll invite me to his for the weekend, but in the meantime make plans with his friends (which, like I say, he normally invites me to and is totally fine as he has a life too). But I'm not involved in the planning and I'm just asked to be in his city for a certain time to fit in with the plans. He never makes plans with just me as he's really disorganised and I'm always the last to know what the weekend plans are. There's never any leeway on the timings if they don't work for me. And often my Friday work meetings overrun or I get stuck in Friday evening traffic - he gets annoyed with me for not being on time for the plans. 

I love that we spend so much time together and that he involves me with his friends. But I feel as though I'm never going to make friends in my own city if I'm always at his and I feel like I'm neglecting my family by being away every weekend. Am I being selfish for feeling like this? I just don't want to get backed into a one-sided relationship.

[Acacia98]

49 minutes ago, Hattergal said:

The frustrating thing is that he'll invite me to his for the weekend, but in the meantime make plans with his friends (which, like I say, he normally invites me to and is totally fine as he has a life too). But I'm not involved in the planning and I'm just asked to be in his city for a certain time to fit in with the plans. He never makes plans with just me as he's really disorganised and I'm always the last to know what the weekend plans are. There's never any leeway on the timings if they don't work for me. And often my Friday work meetings overrun or I get stuck in Friday evening traffic - he gets annoyed with me for not being on time for the plans. 

I love that we spend so much time together and that he involves me with his friends. But I feel as though I'm never going to make friends in my own city if I'm always at his and I feel like I'm neglecting my family by being away every weekend. Am I being selfish for feeling like this? I just don't want to get backed into a one-sided relationship.

No. You're not being selfish. I think you should take a step back from trying so hard to fit into his routine. Make an effort to spend more time in your own city and to make friends there and spend time with your own family. We all need balance in our lives. You're no exception.

I also think your guy takes you for granted and really doesn't care that much about you. He treats you as an afterthought when it comes to making plans and has found a 'lovely' way of declining invitations to visit you at yours without actually saying "No." Look, if someone genuinely loves you and wants to share their life with you, then getting to know you is part of the process. That includes visiting you at your home and meeting the people who are close to you. You seem to have done plenty of that for your boyfriend. He has only visited your town twice. That tells me he is not interested in knowing who you are and what makes you tick.

And I don't think any amount of educating him about this is going to make a difference. This is not something you're supposed to teach a mature adult. You want to date somebody who already knows this stuff and implements it in his relationship(s).

Edited November 2, 2023 by Acacia98

[d0nnivain]

You gotta talk to him.  This isn't even 90/10 at this point.  Speak up but be specific.  I want you to come to me at least once per quarter or month.  Just set a schedule.  

[stillafool]

That would drive me crazy.  I agree speak up and let him know how you feel.  I would pull back on going to his place if he can't make time to come to mine.  Plus, I wouldn't want to spend all of our time with his friends and no one on one dates.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Hattergal said:

. He was upfront with me early on that I would need to visit him more often than he visits me because he has a teenage son who gets bored when he's not near his friends or his gaming console (which I completely understand). 

Unfortunately this is a distance situation and he forewarned you that his teen will be with him so he's not as available to travel to you or spend as much time in your area. 

If you are becoming fatigued or resentful perhaps cut back on visiting him so much. He doesn't seem to be in a position to bring his son along or neglect his parental responsibilities. 

[BrinnM]

I love that he makes his son a priority even though as a teen he could probably stay home alone for a night. But I don’t love that he prioritizes his friends over you. That’s messed up. Tell him what you want to do on your weekends or evenings together, and don’t go see him if he makes plans you don’t  like. He seems unorganized, and if you take the lead, he might just go along with it. Like he does with his friends.

Edited November 2, 2023 by BrinnM

[basil67]

 

5 hours ago, Hattergal said:

And if I ask him if he'd like to come to mine on a set date a few weekends in advance, he says he'll check what his plans are with his friends and get back to me.

This tells you that his mates are more important to him than spending time with you, or in meeting your needs.  Yes, you agreed that the lion's share of travelling would be done by you because of his son and this is perfectly understandable.  But it seems his son isn't actually part of the equation and you're actually travelling so that he can be at events most weekends with his mates.   

You could try talking about how you feel, but I suspect it won't work because his actions are showing you the truth of his priorities.   

As an aside, do you think he'd drive to you for a Saturday or Sunday day trip if he's got an event on the other day?   A one hour drive for a day trip is super easy.   

 

 

[glows]

You can communicate more directly. Be prepared for no changes. I agree with Acacia that if he prioritized or cared about you on a deeper level this wouldn’t be happening. He would know what he’s doing is a bit thoughtless and low effort. I have to wonder just how ready he is for a committed relationship as his life seems all over the place. He’s disorganized not because he’s childish. He’s chosen that way to live and he likes it. 

You come second to everyone else in his life and I’m not keen on the fact that he gets upset with you for being late on Fridays when you’re the one driving over. Yes I understand there are plans in place so if there is even the slightest chance you may hold anyone up either don’t go /arrive on Sat or make arrangements to get to a venue independently and not go together. Meet there for ie. 

That lateness issue needs to be resolved. Be comfortable saying no or doing things differently. 

[MsJayne]

12 hours ago, Hattergal said:

Am I being selfish for feeling like this?

No. The selfish person is him. Why can't his son go to his mother's sometimes? Why must the logistics of your relationship revolve around his son having access to his friends and his gaming console? Does your guy ever give you money for fuel? He's treating you like a convenience and taking you for granted. Stop going every weekend, if he doesn't make an effort to come to you that tells you all you need to know. 

[basil67]

13 hours ago, Hattergal said:

There's never any leeway on the timings if they don't work for me. And often my Friday work meetings overrun or I get stuck in Friday evening traffic - he gets annoyed with me for not being on time for the plans. 

Eeep, I missed this.  I'm now more inclined to suggest you skip the discussions and just end it.

This guy is the kind of person who thinks that the world revolves around them

[Gaeta]

I am 100% onboard with what the others have said so I won't repeat it. You've given this 9 months and it's already too much in my eyes. I think your boyfriend is selfish and I'd question what 'love' means to him.

That being said I know you won't breakup just yet with him so here is my suggestion. Less he sees you, less he should take you for granted. I would start visiting him every 2 weekends. He can have a weekend with his friends and the other weekend I would expect it to be entirely for me and he has to come visit me monthly. His son can go to his mother OR he can bring along his gaming console. 

Personally I would breakup with him, I cannot stand not being a priority to a man I am dating. Of course my  bf is allowed to go out with his friends but weekly activities with them? Noway! that's for single people.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

He needs to get off his behind and go regularly see you. Most likely he's gotten lazy and since you haven't objected, he has just focused on his own wellbeing and not yours.

Good observation on how he checks with his friends when you invite him to your place. That's ridiculous. 

Definitely time to speak up. I would say do some inner conversation with yourself and decide ahead of time if you're willing to break up over this. This very well might be an issue to break up over. I have found that when I have confronted lovers knowing that I'm willing to walk away, they somehow get the message and take my request more seriously--and that's without me saying you have to do this or I'm leaving. Something about my body language and voice communicates that I mean business without me threatening to leave at all. 

You have been together for 9 months. Yep, time to see re-evaluate things .And it's OK if you dump him based on this. That doesn't mean the relationship was a failure. But this is a big issue. If he's self-centered about visits, I can guarantee you he is self-centered in other ways that you are probably letting slide.  Time to look around and see what else isn't working for you in the relationship. You want to get all of that on the table and corrected. But maybe see if he agrees to come to you, what at least 40 percent of the time. 

BTW: it's not just the time involved that is unfair. There is something empowering about hosting in your own place. 

 

[Alvi]

I think your boyfriend is selfish and lazy. He expects you do all the work, while he cannot even prioritize you??? You can talk to him but I don't know if it is going to do any good to be honest here. I get him putting his son first but his friends? Come one. I think that he is not ready to leave his bachelor days behind him. It's been 9 month and this is how things are at this point. He is who he is. Doubt it is going to get any better. You either learn to accept that this is the way that he is or end things.

On 11/2/2023 at 10:47 AM, Hattergal said:

And often my Friday work meetings overrun or I get stuck in Friday evening traffic - he gets annoyed with me for not being on time for the plans. 

Seriously? He is not running any plans by you but gets upset that you are stuck in a traffic while coming to see him??? I think you seriously need to re-evaluate the relationship at this point. That alone would be enough for me to dump a guy but you are not me. We all have different thresholds.

[Alvi]

On 11/2/2023 at 10:47 AM, Hattergal said:

Am I being selfish for feeling like this?

How did you figure that are a selfish one here? Did he put this thoughts into your head?

[Acacia98]

By the way, OP, if making alternative overnight arrangements for his son is not an option, he doesn't have to spend the night at yours, but he can certainly drive out and spend part of the day with you there. Then he can drive back to his place alone or with you, whichever works for you both. There are so many unselfish ways for him to work around the situation if he really wants to. The fact that he is not even trying says a lot.

[Maldives]

On 11/3/2023 at 2:47 AM, Hattergal said:

Hi there. 

I've been in a relationship for almost 9 months now. On the whole, things are good: we share similar interests, have a similar sense of humour, and we've done the usual progressions (become exclusive, said 'I love you' etc). But I'm starting to get a little frustrated as I feel like the relationship is perhaps a little one-sided in some respects. 

We live in different cities, around a 1hr 15min drive apart, which is fine. He was upfront with me early on that I would need to visit him more often than he visits me because he has a teenage son who gets bored when he's not near his friends or his gaming console (which I completely understand). I was fine with this and appreciated his honesty. I've since spent A LOT of evenings and weekends at his and created a bit of a bond with his son. I've also met a lot of his friends and they've welcomed me into their little circle - which is great because I'm from a different part of the country originally and don't have many of my own friends here yet (I do have close family living nearby).

However, after 9 months of dating, my boyfriend has only been to my town twice. It's become an expectation that I will always go to his. And if I ask him if he'd like to come to mine on a set date a few weekends in advance, he says he'll check what his plans are with his friends and get back to me. He never does get back to me and I wind up going to his. It sometimes feels as though he won't commit to a weekend at mine through fear of missing out on plans with his friends back home, like he's waiting to see what they're up to before committing to plans with me.

The frustrating thing is that he'll invite me to his for the weekend, but in the meantime make plans with his friends (which, like I say, he normally invites me to and is totally fine as he has a life too). But I'm not involved in the planning and I'm just asked to be in his city for a certain time to fit in with the plans. He never makes plans with just me as he's really disorganised and I'm always the last to know what the weekend plans are. There's never any leeway on the timings if they don't work for me. And often my Friday work meetings overrun or I get stuck in Friday evening traffic - he gets annoyed with me for not being on time for the plans. 

I love that we spend so much time together and that he involves me with his friends. But I feel as though I'm never going to make friends in my own city if I'm always at his and I feel like I'm neglecting my family by being away every weekend. Am I being selfish for feeling like this? I just don't want to get backed into a one-sided relationship.

No not at all I don't think you're being selfish at all. But you should start drawing a line with always going over to his. Not only the cost but your time and effort is being used. This needs to be brought to his attention and I don't mean by just talking I don't think that will work with this guy at all. You need to stop going to his place and tell him if he wants to see you he knows where to find you ☺️☺️

[BaileyB]

I won’t repeat what has been stated above, but I will share my own experience if that’s helpful at all.

When I started dating my partner, he had a teenage son. We lived about 10 minutes apart. It became apparent very early on that I would need to spend more time at his home because my partner didn’t sleep well away from his home - that was fine, it was a sacrifice I was willing to make for the relationship. But, I did that only because he was showing me that he was committed to the relationship. We would see each other at least twice during the week and he would often come to my home during the evening. We would often spend rime at my home on the weekend, even if we didn’t stay over. He would never be upset if I asked for a night to myself or some time on the weekend to get things done. 

I think the fact that he is unwilling to come to your town says a lot about his ability to compromise. The fact that he makes plans with his friends when you visit tells you about his priorities - this would be ok with me once in a while, but not often. And finally, the fact that he gets annoyed with you when you take time for yourself and you are late arriving at his home would not go over well with me…

I say, find something to do in your own city on the weekend and go only for the day. His response will tell you a lot. 

Edited November 4, 2023 by BaileyB

[glows]

I wonder if the 1 hr 15 min distance between the two of you makes this relationship a non starter. It’s like he’s seeing how long he can enjoy this before it fades out and isn’t very invested in it. Arguably he could say he is invested as he’s introduced you to his friends and inner circle and has you over for many days and weekends but when it comes down to it he’s not so invested that he’s going out of his way to accommodate you. It’s you always accommodating him.

I’m also puzzled how you can date someone and not in the least want to change things up or see more of how your partner lives. This part really blows my mind. If I’m dating someone I’m so in love and want to know about them and see the world through their eyes. This guy seems so remote and detached and please correct me if I’m wrong. I just find this so hard to fathom. Why is he even dating you and are there other factors or stressors? 

I would wonder about the commute. I would wonder if his coparenting relationship with mother of the kids is solid and reliable and respectful. I would wonder if he has reservations about you or me if I were in your shoes. I would wonder if he’s struggling with personal identity after a divorce or separation or a previous break up (maybe not the one with the mother of his kids). I cannot know exactly because this isn’t my situation but I put myself where you are and those are the thoughts I’d have going through my mind.

[ExpatInItaly]

I have a bad feeling this relationship has lasted this long only because you are the one doing all the work, OP. 

If you spoke up and got serious about your expectation for him to meet you halfway, I would bet any money he'd let this fizzle. 

[ShyViolet]

He's interested in this relationship only if it's convenient for him and only if he doesn't have to put in any effort.

At least he was honest with you from the beginning, he told you that you would have to be the one to visit him most of the time.  You knew he is an hour and 15 mins away.  Maybe it wasn't a good idea to start up a relationship with someone who is so far away and who has told you that you would be the one who has to do most of the traveling to see him.  It's not selfish of you to have a problem with this.  If this isn't working for you, then end it.  He has made it 100% clear that this is how the relationship is going to be.  Next time, date someone closer.

[Wiseman2]

On 11/2/2023 at 12:47 PM, Hattergal said:

he says he'll check what his plans are with his friends and get back to me. He never does get back to me and I wind up going to his. 

Please stop driving there. Especially after work in traffic.

It's interesting that when there are relationship imbalances and conflicts many people expect the other to change in order to level the field, when the power to do so is in their own hands. 

In this case you would like him to step up and visit you more, however instead, you acquiesce and continue to drive to him. All you need to do is stop driving to him. That's entirely in your control. 

 

[glows]

You’re going to have to get comfortable with the idea that this man prefers checking what his friends are up to before getting back to you on weekend plans. You say that instead of a definitive yes or no, he replies he’ll check what his friends are up to first. That’s the impression I got reading your initial post, OP. 

The concern is that he is not, of his own volition, showing as deep of an interest in your life as you do for his. He does not, of his own volition and without disagreement, show enthusiasm to spend time with you without checking what his friends are up to. That is the point here and likely why all of this bothers you so much. He shows little interest compared to you.

I reread my first reply to your situation on your lateness to some of the Friday events. I want to clarify that you can decide to meet on Sat instead and he has to understand that meeting his friends or plans with them aren’t always going to work out with you there.

You may be disagreeing with a proposition of his to spend time with his friends but that is what this needs to be in order for this man to realize he is putting in very low effort. He doesn’t realize it himself and that’s very sad. He lacks self awareness or consideration for you. He has shown that repeatedly and you have to be the one to change things because he shows himself incapable of doing things equally of his own volition.

I do think the 1 hr and 15 min commute is potentially a major issue in this relationship and an inconvenience both of you are finding a bit too much to handle with overall. If you lived just 10 min away you wouldn’t be as late. And I also have a feeling he’d be more reassured as his son is closer. He would still be able to spend weekends with you and occasionally make plans with his friends. That’s not happening here and both of you have to choose which town/city to spend time the entire weekend instead of mingling more naturally or melding your lives more naturally.

 

 

Edited November 5, 2023 by glows

[Bassthumper]

He does not want to drive that far and making excuses. Point blank

Edited November 8, 2023 by Bassthumper

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, Bassthumper said:

He does not want to drive that far and making excuses. Point blank

Yep, and OP knows this and is okay with it that is why she hasn't come back to this thread.  She's not going to rock the boat and risk losing him.

[smackie9]

On 11/2/2023 at 9:47 AM, Hattergal said:

I just don't want to get backed into a one-sided relationship.

You are so you need to get out of it. After 9 months, what you see is what you get. If you want to make more of a life where you live, find a man in your area to build your life with.