My [35 M] ex girlfriend [40 F] wants to be friends, but I'm in a new relationship.

[agonyandirony]

I was in a relationship with my ex for almost 6 years. It was very exciting for a while as we had a lot in common. However, she had/has a number of issues and was quite unstable as a person, which put a tremendous strain on the relationship and me. While there were incredible highs, there were also deep lows - she was quite abusive to me at various stages. That being said, we had a strong connection and cared about each other deeply. 

After a very messy break up last year, we stopped talking altogether for about 9 months (I am also living in a different country). During this time, I have found someone new [35 F]. In many ways this new girlfriend  is perfect for me. She is very stable, we get on very well with each others' family and friends, and otherwise this is someone I could see as a life partner. We have done great things together in a short time and have amazing plans for the future. 

Out of the blue my ex has reached out to me. She *seems* to be doing much better these days, having dealt with a lot of the issues that caused so many problems in our relationship. I must confess I was quite relieved on one level, because things ended so badly and it gave me some closure that I was lacking (able to say sorry about the way our last conversations went, and that I harbour no ill feelings, grateful for the happy memories etc). I guess I also struggled with the prospect of never speaking to someone again that I had been so close too for a long time.

However, I'm in a predicament at how to handle things. My ex seems to want to be friends on some level (I'm not sure if she secretly wants to rekindle things). She has asked a few times about us doing things together (remotely as we now live in different countries). 

I should also say I have told my current girlfriend that my ex reached out, and am being transparent with her about what's going on. She is supportive and trusting of me, but understandably apprehensive about my ex's motives given the history. I definitely don't want to ruin things with my new girlfriend who is wonderful.

Basically I'm looking for advice on how to handle this. My counsellor (who helped me deal with some of the hurt I experienced from my last relationship) thinks it's not a good idea to have a friendship with her, but ghosting her does not seem right to me either. Im worried that by talking to my ex Im potentially leading her on, but the advice (from my counsellor and various forums etc) seems to be not to tell my ex that Im in a new relationship and cause hurt/drama unnecessarily. 

How do I navigate this and find some sort of middle ground approach?

Given her instability and issues, Im worried about my ex spiralling if I hurt her - either by not talking to her at all, or by telling her Im in a new relationship. This is based on precedent - she is prone to a lot of sadness and has been suicidal in the past.

My approach thus far has been polite, short, curt messages - and not replying right away. Essentially saying that Im glad she's doing well, but that I don't think its a good idea we do things together and potentially compromise our healing etc.

I don't want to hurt her, grateful for your advice.

 

 

 

 

[NuevoYorko]

Your counselor is right.  I don't think you can have a healthy friendship with a person who was abusive towards you in a prior relationship.  

You certainly are not responsible for how she chooses to move forward, nor not, in her live.

Tell her this truth:  you are in a new relationship and you feel that maintaining a friendship with an ex will be detrimental to that.  Wish her well, say goodbye, and remove her from your contacts.   

[FMW]

6 minutes ago, agonyandirony said:

My approach thus far has been polite, short, curt messages - and not replying right away. Essentially saying that Im glad she's doing well, but that I don't think its a good idea we do things together and potentially compromise our healing etc.

 

I think continuing that way would be best.  Certainly do not agree to "do things together", even if remotely.  That would only lead her on, in addition to likely being detrimental to your new relationship and your own emotional well-being.  It's almost certain she wants more from you than just friendship.  I don't really agree with avoiding telling her you are in a new relationship.  

However you handle it, it is not your responsibility to stay in touch while trying to avoid doing anything to destabilize her.  

[agonyandirony]

1 minute ago, FMW said:

I think continuing that way would be best.  Certainly do not agree to "do things together", even if remotely.  That would only lead her on, in addition to likely being detrimental to your new relationship and your own emotional well-being.  It's almost certain she wants more from you than just friendship.  I don't really agree with avoiding telling her you are in a new relationship.  

However you handle it, it is not your responsibility to stay in touch while trying to avoid doing anything to destabilize her.  

Thanks this is helpful. I'm worried that telling her I'm in a new relationship will crush her, she is fragile. I guess by saying I am not ready to 'do things together', and that I don't want to compromise my happiness (or hers) etc, I'm trying to send a strong message that I am not interested in rekindling anything with her, without having to tell her I'm in a new relationship and without ghosting her or being unnecessarily harsh. It would be nice to be cordial with her, and maybe have a very loose friendship some day.

Can you clarify your last sentence? Not sure I follow. 

[stillafool]

21 minutes ago, agonyandirony said:

'm worried that telling her I'm in a new relationship will crush her, she is fragile.

This is wrong.  You would be doing her more harm by not being completely honest.  She will hold onto hope if you don't tell her the truth.  You cannot be her friend if she has feelings for you because that too will hurt her.  You have to tell the truth and make a clean break.

[agonyandirony]

28 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This is wrong.  You would be doing her more harm by not being completely honest.  She will hold onto hope if you don't tell her the truth.  You cannot be her friend if she has feelings for you because that too will hurt her.  You have to tell the truth and make a clean break.

Yea ok, but lots of people say that telling exes about new relationship is wrong. eg this copy and paste:

"Why would ypu wamt to do that? Why is it their business who you're dating? Salt? Salt to the wound? You just want them to know, you've bounced-back. You got a new lover, and you're moving forward. Has your ex moved on? Have they found someone to love them? If not, I really wouldn't go pushing it in their faces, that I have. What kind of a human are you?"

Edited November 3, 2023 by agonyandirony

[Lotsgoingon]

You can't be friends right now. Simply cannot. It can take you know ten years for people to be able to be friends. Ten years of no contact.

And come on now. Get real. Of course, she wants to rekindle things. I have never encountered someone who was dumped who didn't want to rekindle things if they were in touch with their ex.

And the dumped partner will lie to themselves about this. You cannot even trust their word. I admit this when I naively tried to be friends with an ex. Deep down, I wanted to be more than friends. The friendship thing only slows her separation from you and only slows her healing she needs to let go of you and move on. 

She could have sent you a letter and expressed her apologies and then let go. 

This is not a close call. You need to go no contact. And look, the friendship thing is nonsense anyway. With a friend, I can talk about my sex life with my current partner. You guys won't be able to do that. So you're not friends. You would only be pretending to be friends.

A firm no is actually in her interest, to her benefit. A firm no and no contact is what really allows the other person to move on. Sounds like you got some codependent tendencies, a feeling you have to take care of other people. How about you stand up for yourself in your current relationship. Because if you're really unsure about being friends with the ex, then I can guarantee that you are being way too "nice" and compliant and not really asking for what you want in your current relationship. 

Now the only reason you would want to maintain contact is because you're worried that she will harm herself. But that's not your problem. People don't kill themselves over breakups unless they already have some severe mental illness and fragility going on. She needs to get herself together and create stability in her life. Talking to you ain't going to be helpful to you. 

[d0nnivain]

You hit the nail on the head.  The best there is in this situation is you can be cordial on occasion.  

I'm "friends" with almost all of my EXs in the sense that if I see them out & about. we stop & make small talk for a few minutes.    On those random occasions I have had a coffee with one or two but nothing is usually set up in advance.   

I say "usually" because once 10 years ago, about 20+ years after we had broken up & both married other people, an EX called me to collaborate on a project.  I was a subject matter expert.  After discussing it with my husband I agreed to work on a project which involved the EX sending me info & me doing my thing with zero input from him.  I wrote a report.  We went to a meeting with the client in a public place.  He paid me handsomely.   That was the end of that.  

For some of the more special ones, I sent condolences cards when their parents died and received condolences when my parents died.  But there is only rare interaction.  

Your EX wants routine & regular contact, true interaction.  That can't happen.  You have to be clear.  You don't hate her but it would be too close too soon now.  In a decade, maybe.  But by then she won't want the friendship. 

Serious disconnect is the answer here.   It's up to you whether you tell her about the new person but I would disclose that.  It may help her to realize the door is firmly closed.  

Edited November 3, 2023 by d0nnivain

[MsJayne]

I'm glad you've given your partner the heads up that your unstable ex is sniffing around you, and she's right to be uncomfortable about it. Your loyalty should be 100% to your partner, and that extends to cutting all ties with the ex. You're asking for trouble if you continue engaging. It's kind of you to be concerned about the exes state of mental health, but it's not your responsibility to shield her from life, especially given that even though she "*seems* to be doing better", she's more likely still the same and looking to manipulate you back into her toxic arena. If you try having a friendship with her, no matter how distant, it would only be a matter of time before it started to cause problems in your current relationship. Sounds like your ex needs medication and a good therapist in her life, not you. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, agonyandirony said:

, I'm trying to send a strong message that I am not interested in rekindling anything with her, without having to tell her I'm in a new relationship 

Unfortunately it seems like you have a trauma bond and difficulty letting go. You need to be firmer and more honest and sincere with her that it's over rather than clinging.  It's not fair to her or whoever you're currently with. 

Her fragile mental health is her responsibility. In fact when you finally step away, she can be free to take care of herself and find her own BF.

After you explain that you need to set each other free, delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Permanently.

Is this the same woman?:

 

Edited November 3, 2023 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, agonyandirony said:

lots of people say that telling exes about new relationship is wrong

A lot of people are apparently looking for reasons to hang on to their ex and not scare them away by being honest that they are no longer single. Lying by omission is incredibly disrespectful to the new partner, too. 

How does your girlfriend feel about being a secret from your ex? 

Edited November 3, 2023 by ExpatInItaly

[basil67]

 

2 hours ago, agonyandirony said:

"Why would ypu wamt to do that? Why is it their business who you're dating? Salt? Salt to the wound? You just want them to know, you've bounced-back. You got a new lover, and you're moving forward. Has your ex moved on? Have they found someone to love them? If not, I really wouldn't go pushing it in their faces, that I have. What kind of a human are you?"

I hope this wasn't written about your predicament!   This would be appropriate advice if you contacted your ex out of the blue and were boasting that you've moved on.  But this isn't what happened, and your motive isn't what is described here. 

Your motive for being honest in this case would be 1) enforcing your own boundaries 2) making sure she doesn't have any expectations of getting back with you and 3) respecting your new partner by making it clear that you are with her. 

 I would say this "I'm glad you're doing well.  However I have a new girlfriend and I feel that being friends would be disrespectful to my relationship. Thank you for understanding".   Make sure that you don't go sticking any "sorry"s in that message.  And don't put anything in the message which would promote further discussion.  Yes, it may set back her healing, but that's a risk SHE chose to take when she contacted you.  All in all, your only responsibility to her now is to simply be honest in a civil manner.   

Edited November 3, 2023 by basil67

[agonyandirony]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems like you have a trauma bond and difficulty letting go. You need to be firmer and more honest and sincere with her that it's over rather than clinging.  It's not fair to her or whoever you're currently with. 

Her fragile mental health is her responsibility. In fact when you finally step away, she can be free to take care of herself and find her own BF.

After you explain that you need to set each other free, delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Permanently.

Is this the same woman?:

 

Yes it is the same women. After that post we didn't talk basically, and things have progressed well with the girl I was (then) dating. We are in a relationship and very happy. 

I care about the ex as a person, and would prefer not to delete her from my life which seems unnecessarily harsh. But I do agree I need to be firm, and make very clear that there is no prospect of rekindling things or having regular contact.

[FMW]

5 hours ago, agonyandirony said:

Can you clarify your last sentence? Not sure I follow. 

Sorry, sometimes what I write isn't as clear as it is in my head!

5 hours ago, FMW said:

However you handle it, it is not your responsibility to stay in touch while trying to avoid doing anything to destabilize her.  

I meant that whatever you decide to do about your ex, you are under no obligation to continue talking to her simply to avoid hurting her.  If you choose to continue talking to her you would always be on guard about not saying something that would affect her emotional stability.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, agonyandirony said:

I care about the ex as a person, and would prefer not to delete her from my life which seems unnecessarily harsh. 

Hopefully with therapy you can free yourself from this unhealthy attachment. It's not fair to her or anyone you date to keep her around as a project to fix. Set her free so she can get the appropriate help and friends and relationships she needs. Unfortunately you seem to be driving this for your own needs. 

[ShyViolet]

You are in a good relationship now, and you're risking messing that up by letting your toxic ex creep back into your life.  

Her mental health is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.  It's not your job to avoid telling her things and tiptoe around her because you're afraid what you say will "crush" her.  She is an adult and she needs to accept reality and handle her own issues.  It's not healthy for you to maintain any type of friendship with her.  You really need to learn to maintain better boundaries.

1 hour ago, agonyandirony said:

I care about the ex as a person, and would prefer not to delete her from my life which seems unnecessarily harsh.

It's not "unnecessarily harsh", it's what people with appropriate boundaries do, especially when they are in a new relationship.  Letting this situation continue is really disrespectful to your current girlfriend.  Show your current gf that your relationship with her is your priority, and don't be a doormat to your ex.

Tell your ex that you are in a relationship, or don't.  I don't think that matters.  You don't owe her any details about your life.  But what you do need to do is be clear with her that you don't think it would be healthy for you and her to be "friends" right now.  She is not your "friend", she is your ex.  And she's an ex that was unstable and abusive.  If you want to have a healthy relationship with a new partner then you need to learn to have boundaries and not let your ex weasel her way into your life and cause problems.

[glows]

You probably have some working out to do and some soul searching why you have a problem letting go of your ex. You both only broke up last year and stopped talking 9 months ago. And then your new relationship started soon after some time this year? It seems like your new gf may be a rebound and you haven’t had enough time to be single and get used to creating steady and healthy boundaries. 

While I understand you still care about her, it’s holding you back from moving on. It’s Friday here going into the weekend (hoping you are going to spend that time with friends, family and your gf) and you’re worrying about an ex? Does this make sense to you? The advice copied in italics from some other platform/forum is terrible advice and sounds like someone going through a break up themselves projecting a lot of issues and emotions that aren’t appropriate to your situation. 

It is perfectly appropriate instead to briefly say that you’re not open to being friends or having regular contact and you’re in a new relationship. I think a person, ANY person who cares about you or thinks well of you would not hold that against you. It’s more respectful to be honest than act like you’re still single chatting with her. If she really is so mentally unstable being dishonest is a recipe for disaster as she may overreact when she finds out anyway. 

If I was your gf I’d be curious why you’d want to stay in contact especially if you’re in different countries and never run into one another, not in the same neighbourhood, don’t work together etc. It would appear that you’re still attached and want to know updates about your ex or are emotionally invested in some way. Some are fine with that and there are no issues. But for your sake be clear about what you’re doing and why. Don’t self-sabotage moving forward.

[ShyViolet]

8 hours ago, agonyandirony said:

Yea ok, but lots of people say that telling exes about new relationship is wrong. eg this copy and paste:

"Why would ypu wamt to do that? Why is it their business who you're dating? Salt? Salt to the wound? You just want them to know, you've bounced-back. You got a new lover, and you're moving forward. Has your ex moved on? Have they found someone to love them? If not, I really wouldn't go pushing it in their faces, that I have. What kind of a human are you?"

This is terrible advice and sounds like it was written by someone with issues themselves

It's not your responsibility to keep your current relationship a secret from anyone.  When you are in a normal, healthy relationship it's a simple fact and should be public knowledge.  Keeping it a "secret" from anyone is incredibly disrespectful to your current girlfriend, it sends the message that your current girlfriend is not the priority here.

[basil67]

5 hours ago, agonyandirony said:

I care about the ex as a person, and would prefer not to delete her from my life which seems unnecessarily harsh.

Unless exes share a social circle and can't help but run into each other, it's normal to move on without keeping the ex in our life.

Why do you need to have her in your life?  Do you not feel that this is disrespectful to your girlfriend?

[Acacia98]

12 hours ago, agonyandirony said:

Thanks this is helpful. I'm worried that telling her I'm in a new relationship will crush her, she is fragile. 

You really shouldn't be communicating with this woman, OP. Everything you've suggested doing so far sounds like enabling behavior. Because you're walking on eggshells around her and because she has been abusive towards you in the past, I am pretty sure that if you give her an inch (as you seem determined to do) she will find a way to manipulate you and insinuate herself into your life. 

Close the door unambiguously. Whether you tell her you're in a relationship or that you don't stay in touch with exes is up to you. Just make sure you state that categorically, wish her well, and ultimately block her. You suggest she's too fragile to handle the possibility of your being in a relationship. I say she'd have to be an absolute idiot to have never considered the possibility of your moving on, and she sure doesn't sound like an idiot. She knows it's possible you're seeing someone. And she's the one who's chosen to seek you out. So she has to deal with your reality. If you had bumped into her while out on a date with your girlfriend, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have hidden your girlfriend away. Alternatively, if you had made your relationship status public on your social media accounts, she would have had to face the reality without ever having talked to you. This is really no different. You may think you're protecting her from some grave danger, but you are really just falling back into old patterns of relating with her. And that is going to sabotage your new relationship.

Now, if it so happens that news of your having moved on sets her back, she can seek counseling to help her cope. That is her responsibility, not yours.

Edited November 4, 2023 by Acacia98

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think you are over your ex, OP. 

 

[stillafool]

With your  mindset, if I were your current girlfriend, I would break up with you and let you go back to your ex.  3 is a crowd.

[Lotsgoingon]

If you feel not talking to the ex or removing her from social media is unduly harsh, then you got issues that will definitely interfere with your current relationship. 

Worrying about the ex means you don't respect her. If you think stopping communication with an ex is harsh, then you are confusing social work with romance. If you were her therapist, yes, cutting her off might be harsh. But you're not. You're an ex lover. 

Deal with this. BTW: in an early reply you say about your current relationship, We are in a relationship and very happy. Question: why don't you say YOU are happy. That's the focus. What is this "we" stuff? You can't read your partner's mind anyway. But assuming you're right, quit this "we" nonsense. What do YOU feel? This "we"stuff is part of worrying about taking care of ex. 

 

[Gaeta]

Why do you even hesitate? 

Tell her you're in a new relationship and cannot be friends and wish her a good life going forward.

Your girlfriend is watching you and your next move will teach her what type of man you really are.

I would not date a man that hesitates because he fears hurting his ex's feelings. 

[agonyandirony]

On 11/3/2023 at 11:30 PM, ShyViolet said:

You are in a good relationship now, and you're risking messing that up by letting your toxic ex creep back into your life.  

Her mental health is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.  It's not your job to avoid telling her things and tiptoe around her because you're afraid what you say will "crush" her.  She is an adult and she needs to accept reality and handle her own issues.  It's not healthy for you to maintain any type of friendship with her.  You really need to learn to maintain better boundaries.

It's not "unnecessarily harsh", it's what people with appropriate boundaries do, especially when they are in a new relationship.  Letting this situation continue is really disrespectful to your current girlfriend.  Show your current gf that your relationship with her is your priority, and don't be a doormat to your ex.

Tell your ex that you are in a relationship, or don't.  I don't think that matters.  You don't owe her any details about your life.  But what you do need to do is be clear with her that you don't think it would be healthy for you and her to be "friends" right now.  She is not your "friend", she is your ex.  And she's an ex that was unstable and abusive.  If you want to have a healthy relationship with a new partner then you need to learn to have boundaries and not let your ex weasel her way into your life and cause problems.

Thanks for your advice. I told her we couldn't be friends. She hasn't replied but I know she'll be hurt and upset. I feel very guilty and like I'm a horrible person, but everyone has said it is the right thing to do so hopefully this is for the best.