My [35 M] ex girlfriend [40 F] wants to be friends, but I'm in a new relationship.

[glows]

1 minute ago, agonyandirony said:

Thanks for your advice. I told her we couldn't be friends. She hasn't replied but I know she'll be hurt and upset. I feel very guilty and like I'm a horrible person, but everyone has said it is the right thing to do so hopefully this is for the best.

Leading her on or enabling her issues is worse than the truth. At least now she may be hurt but she’s free to move on, stop contacting you or possibly fantasizing about rekindling anything. It’s kinder to be truthful than hide info and keep a lie going. I think you owe it to yourself and your future with your gf too. 

[basil67]

44 minutes ago, agonyandirony said:

I feel very guilty and like I'm a horrible person, but everyone has said it is the right thing to do so hopefully this is for the best.

Kindly, you need to take the bolded to your therapist....there is just so much to unpack.  

If you didn't agree with our advice, then why did you do it?  Or if you do agree with the advice, why don't you have trust in yourself that you're making the right decision?  All in all, we are just giving opinions, it's YOU who needs to be comfortable with your choices.

Have you considered the alternative outcome (for you, your girlfriend and your ex) had you kept a clandestine friendship and not mentioned that you have a new girlfriend?  How do you expect that would have made each party feel?

 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, agonyandirony said:

 I told her we couldn't be friends. She hasn't replied but I know she'll be hurt and upset. I feel very guilty and like I'm a horrible person, 

You have a very unhealthy attitude about this.  You should be able to cut ties with a toxic ex without internalizing all this guilt and telling yourself that you're a horrible person.  If you're not already in therapy, you should seek it out and work on this.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, agonyandirony said:

I told her we couldn't be friends

Good. 

Were you also honest that you have a girlfriend? 

[agonyandirony]

On 11/6/2023 at 7:51 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Good. 

Were you also honest that you have a girlfriend? 

No my counsellor advised against that for the time being, but I told them I would if my ex says anything else. I basically told my ex that while her suggestions of doing things together were nice, I didn't think it would be healthy for us to do those kind of things at this stage, that we have both done well to heal and move on and I don't want to compromise that for either of us by rushing into a friendship that might lead to us getting hurt. 

I will tell her explicitly I'm with someone else though if I receive anything further from her.  She hasn't replied though and it's been almost a week. 

I had honestly hoped that we could have some sort of civil, occasional communication. Wishing each other happy birthday, or sharing the odd article or funny story etc, maybe even a very occasional chat. Almost in respect to the fact that we both had a major influence on each others lives and were once very important to one another. 

I have no interest or desire to be in a relationship with her, but I can say I genuinely miss her and hate that she won't/can't be a part of my life in any way. 

[agonyandirony]

On 11/5/2023 at 11:10 PM, ShyViolet said:

You have a very unhealthy attitude about this.  You should be able to cut ties with a toxic ex without internalizing all this guilt and telling yourself that you're a horrible person.  If you're not already in therapy, you should seek it out and work on this.

Because I feel her hurt. Despite how our relationship was while we were together (in terms of the toxic dramas), I know her deep down to be a kind and sensitive person, and my strong impression is that she is hurting tremendously. I think her cutting ties with her family (who she didn't get along with) and moving away by herself has left her isolated, and she deeply regrets how things ended up between us. I think she has genuinely tried, and had some success, in addressing the personal issues she had that got in the way of our relationship. She said on more than one occasion (before we stopped talking) that she would give anything to do things differently, and to treat me better etc, but that I wouldn't let her. So she is miserable and I am in some way responsible for that. 

My counsellor would question whether she is being manipulative, and say that I'm very susceptible to guilt trips, or attempts to garner sympathy. But either way I know she is sad, and while I don't want to go back to being in a relationship with her, this is someone I can't suddenly stop caring about. We spent so much time and went through a lot together. There was a while we were very happy together. For the sake of the future, and my current relationship - which I know to be much healthier and better for me - I am closing the door, but I feel it is much easier to be told to shut someone who was close to you out than, it is to actually do it. 

Sorry bit of a ramble, but yes I am going to therapy about this.

[Weezy1973]

13 minutes ago, agonyandirony said:

I feel it is much easier to be told to shut someone who was close to you out than, it is to actually do it. 

It doesn’t have to be easy; you just have to do it. Tell her you’re in a new relationship which you feel has a lot of promise and want to focus on that. You’ve moved on. Staying in contact with her could jeopardize what you have. And then block her and delete. It will be hard at first. 

[Acacia98]

49 minutes ago, agonyandirony said:

Because I feel her hurt. Despite how our relationship was while we were together (in terms of the toxic dramas), I know her deep down to be a kind and sensitive person, and my strong impression is that she is hurting tremendously. I think her cutting ties with her family (who she didn't get along with) and moving away by herself has left her isolated, and she deeply regrets how things ended up between us. I think she has genuinely tried, and had some success, in addressing the personal issues she had that got in the way of our relationship. She said on more than one occasion (before we stopped talking) that she would give anything to do things differently, and to treat me better etc, but that I wouldn't let her. So she is miserable and I am in some way responsible for that. 

(...)

I am closing the door, but I feel it is much easier to be told to shut someone who was close to you out than, it is to actually do it. 

1. OP, when I read the first bit of the quote above, I see someone diminishing his own thoughts and feelings and giving his ex's priority. You don't come across as someone empathizing with his ex. You come across as someone who has melted away and become an extension of his ex. You don't see her as she actually is. You seem to see her through the biased lenses through which she probably views herself. Case in point: You call her a kind and sensitive person. But this is the woman who was abusive towards you. The abusive elements of her personality are part of who she is. In other words, she is also a cruel and insensitive person. And I can't help thinking a sensitive woman (that is to say, sensitive regarding your needs) would have left you alone without having to be asked to.

You cannot be a true friend to her. I say this because it is clear that you wouldn't hold her accountable for her actions and wouldn't let her take responsibility for her emotions and the situations in which she put herself. Hence, you would be an obstacle to the efforts on her part to be a better human being. For her to mature and achieve her potential, she needs you to be out of her life.

2. True. It is easier to say it than to do it. But I assure you that many of us have walked this road. This is very much a part of the experience of being an adult.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, agonyandirony said:

My counsellor would question whether she is being manipulative, and say that I'm very susceptible to guilt trips, 

Please close one chapter before you begin another. Please discuss hurting everyone involved by hanging on to this ex. Unfortunately you're making it seem like she's holding you captive, but you're the one hanging on creating your own mental prison and creating a wall between yourself and your new GF. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, agonyandirony said:

I will tell her explicitly I'm with someone else though if I receive anything further from her.

Yes, you should have done so already. 

If I were your girlfriend and I found out you'd kept me a secret from your ex, you'd be out the door. 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, agonyandirony said:

 So she is miserable and I am in some way responsible for that. 

No, you are not responsible for her being miserable.  She had her own issues, created toxic dramas and the end of the relationship was the natural consequence.  This should be the end of the story for you.  

4 hours ago, agonyandirony said:

No my counsellor advised against that for the time being, but I told them I would if my ex says anything else.

Stalling on stating the truth is beyond disrespectful to your new partner.  The fact that you won't freely acknowledge her existence and are talking all about your ex in therapy shows that you're not ready to be dating her.  If your girlfriend catches wind of this and ends the relationship, will you still be comfortable with your actions?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, agonyandirony said:

 So she is miserable and I am in some way responsible for that. 

And unfortunately now you're undermining your new relationship making that miserable.  Please let this ex go and be free of this situation. 

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, agonyandirony said:

this is someone I can't suddenly stop caring about. We spent so much time and went through a lot together.

It's totally fine to feel your feelings.  You can acknowledge that you still care about her and can't suddenly stop caring about her, while at the same time cut off contact with her because you know that it's the only emotionally mature and healthy thing to do.  People harbor lingering feelings for exes all the time after breakups.  That's normal to some degree.  But what you DO is what matters.  You need to recognize that you are seriously struggling with boundaries.  It's very dysfunctional for you to still believe on some level that you are responsible for her mental health.  That is an unhealthy and incorrect belief.  Until you work on your issues to fully understand that you are not responsible for anyone else's mental health, especially not someone who you are no longer in a relationship with, you won't be able to have a health relationship going forward.

And yes I absolutely think she is taking every opportunity to try and manipulate you, and she knows that you are emotionally weak and will fall for it.

[agonyandirony]

Update: I told her I am in a relationship and felt MUCH better for it. Thanks all.