My brother (23 M) is in a serious relationship with my former classmate. how to deal with this awkward situation

[BrandyJones]

 

My 23 year-old brother is always secretive about who he dates and actually hates posting on social medias. We didn't know much about his romantic life until recently. His gf of 6 months is my same age, 19 years old. However she's none other than my former classmate I haven't seen since 6th grade. I had her in my classes for 5th and 6th grade. I never thought I would see her again until that awkward moment last month. I didn't know how to react to be honest. I've greeted her as if it was our first time. In a quick flashback to the past, let's just say my friends and I knew her by another name I would rather not say and many things happened. I had a hard time looking her in the eyes during the reunion. For instance during lunch at the table, my brother explained how it's such a coincidence we went to the same grade school and what a shame that we never met each other; I kept with the lie and she secretly smiled and winked at me. She remembers me alright. 

I guess this means my past did caught up to me in such a surprising manner. I felt nothing but embarrassment and shame during that whole meeting. Should I mention about the past, make amends or continue with the normal, adult conversations? I don't like how my childhood version was like back then. I've been feeling nothing but shame in remembering it. How to deal with this awkward situation and my guilt of my past treatment towards her when we were kids?

[Alpacalia]

Why is this concerning you?

Actually, this situation primarily concerns your brother and his girlfriend, not you. 

Your past treatment of her should not be an issue in their relationship. You were young, and your brother's girlfriend may not hold any grudges from your childhood interactions.

[BrandyJones]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Why is this concerning you?

Actually, this situation primarily concerns your brother and his girlfriend, not you. 

Your past treatment of her should not be an issue in their relationship. You were young, and your brother's girlfriend may not hold any grudges from your childhood interactions.

I feel awful about it. Maybe she wanted to make friends at the time. 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, BrandyJones said:

I feel awful about it. Maybe she wanted to make friends at the time. 

Try to just move forward and be friendly and kind to her in general. You both grew up so hopefully the past is in the past. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, BrandyJones said:

Should I mention about the past, make amends or continue with the normal, adult conversations? I don't like how my childhood version was like back then. I've been feeling nothing but shame in remembering it.

Yes, exactly this in bold. You know what to do but you’re feeling ashamed and nervous. The biggest hurdle for change of any kind is not recognizing when change needs to be made. It’s called ignorance. You are not ignorant and appear to realize a change is needed on your behalf so be adult and mature in all your conversations, neutral and kind. You don’t have to go overboard and act like besties but maintain a neutral relationship and accept her because your brother chose her. For his sake at least be accepting and polite.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, BrandyJones said:

I feel awful about it. Maybe she wanted to make friends at the time. 

You're both Ten-Eleven years old at the time.

It's okay to revisit times in our lives where perhaps we would have liked to take a different approach but so young, try not to be so hard on yourself.

Maybe you'll both bond over it now or in time, now that you're a bit older, who knows.

[basil67]

 

8 hours ago, BrandyJones said:

I've been feeling nothing but shame in remembering it. How to deal with this awkward situation and my guilt of my past treatment towards her when we were kids?

The standard action in this situation is to make a genuine apology for your actions back then.  Is there any reason why you're not already planning to do so?

[BrandyJones]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

The standard action in this situation is to make a genuine apology for your actions back then.  Is there any reason why you're not already planning to do so?

I'm planning to do on the next meeting taking place this Thanksgiving Day. The reason I didn't do it immediately after she walk in the door is because I was speechless upon seeing her again. It was so unexpected and wasn't ready to process it all. I want to speak to her in private when I get a chance. 

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, BrandyJones said:

I'm planning to do on the next meeting taking place this Thanksgiving Day. The reason I didn't do it immediately after she walk in the door is because I was speechless upon seeing her again. It was so unexpected and wasn't ready to process it all. I want to speak to her in private when I get a chance. 

Ah, glad to hear you have a good plan.  I  was a bit confused by you asking how to deal with the situation 🙂

[BrandyJones]

7 hours ago, glows said:

Yes, exactly this in bold. You know what to do but you’re feeling ashamed and nervous. The biggest hurdle for change of any kind is not recognizing when change needs to be made. It’s called ignorance. 

I really have nothing against her and my brother is selective when introducing someone, whether it's friends or a partner. She has good qualities and my friends and I treated her poorly. The irony is I wasn't suffering from any low self-esteem at all, my grades were good too and was given love at home. This isn't the typical tale of the bully suffering from insecurity issues, doing bad academically or undergoing abuse. I had no reason for doing what I did, none. 

[MsJayne]

I'm guessing you and your friends bullied her at school? The good thing is that you're embarrassed and ashamed, willing to speak about it, and apologise sincerely. You were a kid, now you're a gown up and think differently, I'm sure she realises that. 

[BrandyJones]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Ah, glad to hear you have a good plan.  I  was a bit confused by you asking how to deal with the situation 🙂

It's always good to hear some inputs on this matter since it's still currently happening at schools. No one deserves that.

[BrandyJones]

3 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

I'm guessing you and your friends bullied her at school? The good thing is that you're embarrassed and ashamed, willing to speak about it, and apologise sincerely. You were a kid, now you're a gown up and think differently, I'm sure she realises that. 

Yes we did and I was unfortunately the main, mean girl. If it wasn't for me, my friends wouldn't have followed through. It was for a stupid, pathetic excuse of her having a German accent, her last name and her being very tall for her age. No excuse.

Edited November 4, 2023 by BrandyJones

[MsJayne]

6 minutes ago, BrandyJones said:

Yes we did and I was unfortunately the main, mean girl. If it wasn't for me, my friends wouldn't have followed through. It was for a stupid, pathetic excuse of her having a German accent, her last name and her being very tall for her age. No excuse.

And now she's grown into a super model?    Whatever, you're owning it and big enough to apologise, which is a lot more than most one-time bullies do for their victims. Don't sweat it, you'll probably end up friends. 

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, BrandyJones said:

Yes we did and I was unfortunately the main, mean girl. If it wasn't for me, my friends wouldn't have followed through. It was for a stupid, pathetic excuse of her having a German accent, her last name and her being very tall for her age. No excuse.

It seems you've grown up and changed. Perhaps a sincere apology could help when you feel it's a good time to do so .

[Alpacalia]

If you feel she would like an apology then go for it.

I was bullied in grade school, she kicked me in the shin, and the girl came to my house and apologized to me after I had gotten sick and home schooled for a few weeks. There was also a time when I was in middle school and I saw this group of girls in middle school picking on this other girl, I went up to the bully and pushed her. Well, I actually did a bit more than that but long story short, she apologized to the other girl, and that girl that they bullied and I have been friends since

So, it's never too late to apologize or make things right, if you feel in your heart that it's the right thing to do and you truly want to make amends then go for it. It might make all the difference to the person on the receiving end.

Be sincere, and understand if she doesn't accept your apology, that's okay, you did your part and that's all that matters. I hope this helps.

Edited November 4, 2023 by Alpacalia

[glows]

5 hours ago, BrandyJones said:

I really have nothing against her and my brother is selective when introducing someone, whether it's friends or a partner. She has good qualities and my friends and I treated her poorly. The irony is I wasn't suffering from any low self-esteem at all, my grades were good too and was given love at home. This isn't the typical tale of the bully suffering from insecurity issues, doing bad academically or undergoing abuse. I had no reason for doing what I did, none. 

Someone told me something like this as well and it racked him later into adulthood as the person they tormented in school ended up committing suicide. Anyway that’s another issue. I think you should apologize when the time feels right and be sincere in your acceptance now. You don’t have to go overboard and grovel - just more open and reasonable than you were in the past. I’m not sure if you were sharing about insecurity and not having any. None of my post insinuated you had insecurity issues so hopefully it didn’t come across that way. 

[Gaeta]

Yes please apologize. People being bullied carry this all of their life. She may say it's ok but deep inside it will heal something in her.

Do not continue acting as if it did not happen. 

[NuevoYorko]

Your desire to make amends is a testament to your good character.   It doesn't even matter whether this young woman harbors any negative feelings towards you, or carries hurt from it.   It's you cleaning up your own side of the street.  Yes!

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, coming clean on the bullying is REALLY good practice for relationships in general. 

Go for it!!!!!

A possible tip. Sometimes people bully others not just because the other people are different and awkward but also because they SECRETLY like something about the person they bully. And that quality they like is one that is not "cool" to share about the bullying friends.

Think back: why did you get threatened by this girl (emotionally threatened)? And were there some qualities you admired in her? Clearly, for example, she didn't allow your bullying to make her bitter. She didn't hold your bullying against your brother--which means she has some SERIOUS inner strength.

So when you apologize, it's often just the negative. I'm sorry I did X. But it's always great if you can throw in the positive--about qualities you liked about this girl. 

Use this moment to get some real insight into yourself--as you are now and as you were then. 

Edited November 5, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[BrandyJones]

On 11/4/2023 at 5:23 PM, Alpacalia said:

Be sincere, and understand if she doesn't accept your apology, that's okay, you did your part and that's all that matters. I hope this helps.

Given by the way she handled herself at the family reunion and the smile she gave me, it seems she might accept it. Though it's ok if she doesn't. I can't go on pretending it never happened. 

[BrandyJones]

6 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Think back: why did you get threatened by this girl (emotionally threatened)? And were there some qualities you admired in her? Clearly, for example, she didn't allow your bullying to make her bitter. She didn't hold your bullying against your brother--which means she has some SERIOUS inner strength.

So when you apologize, it's often just the negative. I'm sorry I did X. But it's always great if you can throw in the positive--about qualities you liked about this girl. 

Use this moment to get some real insight into yourself--as you are now and as you were then. 

Besides targetting her immigrant status (the German accent and last name) and her tall height, if there was something that used to somewhat bothered was we used to excel academically. Like mentioned in one of my previous post, I had good grades but so did she. Both of us were basically the top students in the class. For instance if my score was a 92% (barely an A), one once got a perfect 100%. She was indeed a very smart student and always thought it was important not just to study for an exam but to learn beyond school. During a speech project, she used elaborated terms and once again received the perfect score. Meanwhile I got an A-. In turn, when I got home from school (after bullying her with my friends), I would cultivate myself online. Perhaps I was a somewhat jealous that an immigrant was at my level or higher than me academically. Before her, I was the top student. That's a bad excuse too.

She's majoring in the medicine field (she wants to be a surgeon) meaning I'm majoring in health & safety engineering.

[Alpacalia]

That sounds like some serious competition for 5th and 6th graders. My cousin's 6th grader and her schoolmate are busy stealing each other's scissors!

But seriously?

This level of bullying against a classmate whom you believe was so advanced intellectually for your level, is way above most adults I know. You were how many years old? babies still? Baby babies. Past behavior is done. The victim you say was so advanced is in med school. She left that life of 5th and 6th grades to the point she's a stranger to you, and is having a relationship with your brother. Let that bully, schoolyard mentality go.

You grew up in an environment where it was allowed. Time to put some of that upbringing away. Nobody stays true to their 5th and 6th grades behavior for long. Imagine still eating ants that young and not learning to wash hands?

The victim you say is a stranger to you and is having a relationship with your brother. Time to show everyone (perhaps they have yet to see this part of you) that you've grown up. You've left that lifestyle behind. Moving forward in life. 

Perhaps you should concentrate on the context, and not whatever grudge you had about school years?

Kudos to you for acknowledging your actions and wanting to make things right. It doesn't necessarily have to be a public apology, as it may be better to address it in a more personal setting. At the same time, understand that she may not be ready to forgive you or want to reconnect with you. She may have moved on from that time in her life and may not want to bring up those memories.

It's up to her to decide if she wants to forgive you and possibly rebuild a friendship with you. In the meantime, continue to respect her relationship with your brother and let them both have their privacy. By addressing your past actions and making amends, you are already taking a positive step towards being a better person. Keep that growth and self-awareness going. Good luck.

[Wiseman2]

50 minutes ago, BrandyJones said:

  I was a somewhat jealous that an immigrant was at my level or higher than me academically. Before her, I was the top student. 

You seem to have excellent insight into what happened and the roots of it. Hopefully she and your brother are doing well and so are you.

Yes, envy is ugly. That's why it's referred to as "the green eyed monster". However that's in the past and now you can make amends and move forward. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Competitiveness among your people isn't unusual at all. So that sounds like your reason for the bullying, the competitiveness. BTW: I'm not sure I would use the word "bullying" when you approach her. "Bullying" might bring the horror fully back to her (assuming she really has negative feelings--she really might not). Just say you weren't nice to her or kind to her and competitive. Mention you might have been jealous of her accent and her height and you competitive and insecure about grades. 

There is a very good chance she has thought of your bullying for no more than 5 minutes since the last time you saw her. She might have just moved on with pretty good and thick skin or she might have encountered even worse treatment as she went along. Or she might just not have been particularly hurt by the bullying. 

Again, if she's into your brother, she must have a solid bit of confidence and self-esteem. What really matters (and this cliche and totally true) is how you treat her now! 

So brother still clueless about you guys knowing each other? Definitely tell him. Really funny that you guised hid that she knew you. BTW; her wink seems to me a sign that she is not harboring serious grudges. Just a thought. A wink requires some humor and lightness. 

Edited November 6, 2023 by Lotsgoingon