My brother (23 M) is in a serious relationship with my former classmate. how to deal with this awkward situation

[BrandyJones]

On 11/5/2023 at 7:21 PM, Alpacalia said:

That sounds like some serious competition for 5th and 6th graders. My cousin's 6th grader and her schoolmate are busy stealing each other's scissors!

But seriously?

This level of bullying against a classmate whom you believe was so advanced intellectually for your level, is way above most adults I know. You were how many years old? babies still? Baby babies. Past behavior is done. The victim you say was so advanced is in med school. She left that life of 5th and 6th grades to the point she's a stranger to you, and is having a relationship with your brother. Let that bully, schoolyard mentality go.

You grew up in an environment where it was allowed. Time to put some of that upbringing away. Nobody stays true to their 5th and 6th grades behavior for long. Imagine still eating ants that young and not learning to wash hands?

The victim you say is a stranger to you and is having a relationship with your brother. Time to show everyone (perhaps they have yet to see this part of you) that you've grown up. You've left that lifestyle behind. Moving forward in life. 

Perhaps you should concentrate on the context, and not whatever grudge you had about school years?

Kudos to you for acknowledging your actions and wanting to make things right. It doesn't necessarily have to be a public apology, as it may be better to address it in a more personal setting. At the same time, understand that she may not be ready to forgive you or want to reconnect with you. She may have moved on from that time in her life and may not want to bring up those memories.

It's up to her to decide if she wants to forgive you and possibly rebuild a friendship with you. In the meantime, continue to respect her relationship with your brother and let them both have their privacy. By addressing your past actions and making amends, you are already taking a positive step towards being a better person. Keep that growth and self-awareness going. Good luck.

I fully understand it's up to her to decide how she wants to proceed with it. I stupidly got greedy and treated it like a competition instead appreciating someone's great natural skills. Come to think of, that right there was jealousy. I felt like the runner-up after her and let it get to me so much; it used to upset me. Not a good trait indeed. Since my b-day (July 27th) landed nearly two months after the school year ended, I was still 10 years old in 5th grade and 11 in 6th grade. Thank you for the helpful post and I look forward to the next meeting on Thanksgiving Day. 

[BrandyJones]

On 11/5/2023 at 9:55 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

Competitiveness among your people isn't unusual at all. So that sounds like your reason for the bullying, the competitiveness. BTW: I'm not sure I would use the word "bullying" when you approach her. "Bullying" might bring the horror fully back to her (assuming she really has negative feelings--she really might not). Just say you weren't nice to her or kind to her and competitive. Mention you might have been jealous of her accent and her height and you competitive and insecure about grades. 

She was the only single person I've ever bullied and no one else. I let the ''she's better them me academically and intellectual'' get to me. It used to upset me. Ironically I never had issues with a girl that was having weight and acne issues. I think it's because I didn't feel emotionally threatened by them. In regards to her height, it was ignorant of me to not consider genes play a major role. At the time, it was quite surprising seeing female 6th grader reaching 5'6 by the time the school year ended. She's only older than me by 3 months (she had turned 12 by April) and so I thought that was an unsual height for a girl her age.. Then again, she comes from a very tall family. She did grew up to be 5'11 by now.

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, BrandyJones said:

I fully understand it's up to her to decide how she wants to proceed with it. I stupidly got greedy and treated it like a competition instead appreciating someone's great natural skills. Come to think of, that right there was jealousy. I felt like the runner-up after her and let it get to me so much; it used to upset me. Not a good trait indeed. Since my b-day (July 27th) landed nearly two months after the school year ended, I was still 10 years old in 5th grade and 11 in 6th grade. Thank you for the helpful post and I look forward to the next meeting on Thanksgiving Day. 

So, you're not the first person to struggle with jealousy, it's a natural response. The question for you is: where did it come from? Is it because someone had something you very much want, and yet you cannot attain it? Is it because you're trying to replace what is damaged in you by taking from others? So yeah, apologize. But vow to be more inquisitive as to why these harsh emotions are getting in your way. Because, it's really not about her, 99% of the time, it's about some unmet, unrealized thing from within, some need that runs in the background. Make sense?

Especially at such a young age, you're still navigating through boundaries and social norms, it makes sense that you're not perfect all the time, and things will get in the way.

I'm glad you're already recognizing the root of the issue and working towards a positive solution. Keep up the good work and happy learning!

Good luck on Thanksgiving!

Edited November 9, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

18 hours ago, BrandyJones said:

next meeting on Thanksgiving Day. 

Good luck and don't forget to give us an update!

[BrandyJones]

I wanted to give you all an update. She had sent me a friend request on FB nearly 2 week ago (shortly after my last post) and we chatted for a bit. I didn't want to bring up the past through Messenger because I figure it would be better in person, on the reunion. Some things are better off said in person than through text messages. 

The day came and I managed to speak to her about in private, apologizing for my past behavior and explaining my unfair jealousy at the time. She had already suspected it was jealousy over her intellectual because she noticed I used to get upset and act like it was a contest. Her parents moved, she went to a different school afterwards, got treated nicer, made friends and haven't given too much thought into it until I brought it up. She had moved on from it. Needless to say, I felt the need to own up to it because that was the right thing to do.

 

Edited November 29, 2023 by BrandyJones
....

[stillafool]

Glad it all worked out Brandy.  She sounds really classy.

[Gaeta]

Good job BrandyJones!! You're a good person!

[BaileyB]

Glad it worked out. 

Edited December 2, 2023 by BaileyB