Weird dynamic with male boss

[LaLaChic]

I have this weird dynamic with my male boss and I’m on an emotional rollercoaster that I really hate. Been working for him for a year but we don’t work in the same office so its not a situation where we see or talk to each other daily. He is a very polite, friendly, attractive and charming guy (and also a married family man). 

We have some commonalities between us and sometimes our 1-1 meetings involve personal talk which I think is great to build rapport. His eye contact is SOOOO intense, he never stops smiling or grinning or blushing and I have found myself attracted to him (ok, maybe I do have a small crush). I would never go there, lines have never been crossed and I am very professional (he is too).  

His personality has been very hot/cold with me. Lately if he knows I am traveling to his office he will say lets go grab a coffee when you come or lets go grab a drink and I can give you a ride to the airport. I always say of course, that would be great! However, when I’m there he won’t mention it and none of those plans actually happen. So I don’t get why he says these things but doesn’t follow through?Since I work remote for him, I feel like I am missing that more friendly part of our work relationship since our interactions are infrequent and yes, I would like to have opportunities to build better rapport with him. That’s why it makes me happy when he makes these suggestions. He does do these things with my coworkers when he sees them…….

He will sometimes send late night texts to me that aren’t always work related and make me wonder. For one trip, I told him my flight departed at 10pm earlier that day and at exactly 9:55pm he texts me to wish me a safe flight. Things like this make me feel like maybe he is crossing a boundary OR I will think what a nice and caring boss I have. Another thing I noticed, we used to meet in our offices when we would see each other, he would close the door and we would have our catch-up meeting. Lately that has changed and he will no longer close my office door when visiting and if I am in his location, he now only meets me in a conference room (leaves door open) and will no longer take-me into his office. 

However, he isn't doing this with his other female direct reports so I feel singled out. He will meet with my 2 female (more senior coworkers) behind closed doors everytime he visits. Sometimes I have sensitive work related questions I want to ask him about but I feel like I can’t since the door is open and employees are walking by. It just doesn't seem fair that my colleagues get more privacy for their 1-1 meetings with him.

Did he catch onto my attraction to him? Is he playing mind games with me and maybe he isn’t the nice boss I think he is? I just want to have a great relationship with my boss without feeling weird about the things he says/does. And yea, I am also working towards getting rid of the crush feelings. 

 

Edited November 4, 2023 by LaLaChic

[Wiseman2]

50 minutes ago, LaLaChic said:

Did he catch onto my attraction to him? Is he playing mind games with me and maybe he isn’t the nice boss I think he is

It does seem like he's making sure professional boundaries are in place. Maybe he picked up on your crush and wants to assure everything is professional and clear. Try to keep things work related and perhaps if you are single consider dating. 

[glows]

The senior colleagues may be more assertive than you where he falls short. You don’t know and he may have grown lax about closing doors and they simply got up and closed it behind them without saying a word prior to their meetings. Or told him point blank to close his door before starting their meetings. You must learn to be more assertive and state what you need in order to do your job. If that means discussing sensitive material discreetly and closing the door you get up and close it or tell him. 

I have a feeling you’re struggling with butterfly crush feelings. What I suggest is being more thorough with your schedule or things you need to discuss and bring notes with you. At the top remind yourself to CLOSE THE DOOR for privacy reasons due the sensitive material. And then make sure you discuss all the material relevant to your job. Stay on track and use your notes where needed. Right now your brain may be all over the place and you’re not focused enough. 

He sounds like a friendly boss but don’t sense anything untoward in his demeanour except for those late night non work related texts. Those seem inappropriate. Can you give an example and how frequent these are? 

Just stay focused as much as possible. He’s unavailable as he’s married. 

[LaLaChic]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

The senior colleagues may be more assertive than you where he falls short. You don’t know and he may have grown lax about closing doors and they simply got up and closed it behind them without saying a word prior to their meetings. Or told him point blank to close his door before starting their meetings. You must learn to be more assertive and state what you need in order to do your job. If that means discussing sensitive material discreetly and closing the door you get up and close it or tell him. 

I have a feeling you’re struggling with butterfly crush feelings. What I suggest is being more thorough with your schedule or things you need to discuss and bring notes with you. At the top remind yourself to CLOSE THE DOOR for privacy reasons due the sensitive material. And then make sure you discuss all the material relevant to your job. Stay on track and use your notes where needed. Right now your brain may be all over the place and you’re not focused enough. 

He sounds like a friendly boss but don’t sense anything untoward in his demeanour except for those late night non work related texts. Those seem inappropriate. Can you give an example and how frequent these are? 

Just stay focused as much as possible. He’s unavailable as he’s married. 

I am not an assertive person at all but most of my coworkers area! I’m very much a shy/quiet type, my boss is very extroverted/direct. He is friendly and so am I so our interactions are usually pleasant. The late night texts might happen once a month, its hard to say. It could be a text to thank me for my help for a trip he is on. Sometimes I can go days without talking to him and I’ll start to think he is avoiding me because I’m going to get fired or something! And yes, he makes me nervous and I do get butterflies when we interact which I hate!!!

[glows]

4 minutes ago, LaLaChic said:

I am not an assertive person at all but most of my coworkers area! I’m very much a shy/quiet type, my boss is very extroverted/direct. He is friendly and so am I so our interactions are usually pleasant. The late night texts might happen once a month, its hard to say. It could be a text to thank me for my help for a trip he is on. Sometimes I can go days without talking to him and I’ll start to think he is avoiding me because I’m going to get fired or something! And yes, he makes me nervous and I do get butterflies when we interact which I hate!!!

Most bosses won’t close a door during a meeting on their own especially in smaller companies and unless they have a schedule and it includes going over HR related items or items like compensation, bonuses and other employee specific info. Remember while they’re meeting one on one with you they’re also implementing an open door policy to the rest of their reports. You are not the only person in their line of sight or under their direction. It’s your responsibility to determine when it’s appropriate to ask to close the door to discuss items that you need to bring up relevant to the work. I’m assuming the items are relevant to work and not items unrelated to your job. 

You didn’t respond to my comment about staying on track and the suggestion about using notes. Tread with care - work is not a social, you do have a job to do. You can build rapport by being reliable and on point in all the items you’re assigned to. Are you bored or feel you’d like to take on more? Then say so if that’s the case. You need to know the organization and anticipate areas of improvement. You don’t seem challenged enough in this role to be frank. Do you hope to grow with the company?

Thank you for your help is a standard boss line. He may be going through some results that evening and decided to text you a thanks before he forgets. Take it as a professional means of saying thank you and keep in mind he has others who report to him. What may seem special to you is something he does because it’s convenient for him. As long as he’s not texting inappropriate non work specific texts this should be fine. 

[Weezy1973]

16 minutes ago, LaLaChic said:

And yes, he makes me nervous and I do get butterflies when we interact which I hate!!!

This is the real issue right? You’re starting to build a romantic fantasy life in your head about your boss. You’re saying things like he’s running hot and cold, like someone would talk about a guy they just started dating. 
 

I’d ask him not to send late night texts and other than that just keep things professional. 

[mark clemson]

Work relationships are inherently risky and even more so between a supervisor and direct report. My guess is he flirted with you because it was fun (and don't kid yourself it was fun for both of you) but probably has no intention of actually taking things further. Or he is somewhat ambivalent - part of him is saying to himself "invite her to coffee" another part is saying "wait, that's not a good idea you idiot".

Since there's nothing "real" going on, the open doors/conference rooms are to help make that clear to any who might be wondering and also likely to help him try to ensure that nothing escalates beyond how things are right now.

Edited November 4, 2023 by mark clemson

[NuevoYorko]

Frankly, you really have no valid reasons to be concerned about his "hot and cold" social behavior with your and less still with how he's interacting with other direct reports of his.   

I suspect that he has picked up on your crush and realizes that he needs to take some specific precautions where you are concerned.

You need to separate yourself emotionally from that stuff and just focus on having a successful working relationship with him.   You are possibly bringing attention to yourself and not in a way that will prove to be positive.   

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, LaLaChic said:

Did he catch onto my attraction to him?

Yes, it seems he did. 

6 hours ago, LaLaChic said:

I just want to have a great relationship with my boss

Your relationship with him is fine. There is no need to have coffee or a drink together to have a great working relationship. 

6 hours ago, LaLaChic said:

It just doesn't seem fair that my colleagues get more privacy for their 1-1 meetings with him.

Girl, come on. You know this isn't what upsets you about him having less privacy with you now. 

6 hours ago, LaLaChic said:

Sometimes I have sensitive work related questions I want to ask him about but I feel like I can’t since the door is open and employees are walking by.

So let him know you want to speak about a sensitive work matter. He will find an appropriate way to speak to you confidentially about such issues. 

6 hours ago, LaLaChic said:

I feel singled out.

Well, yes. He is singling you out because he has realized you like him and this probably hasn't happened with the others. He is indirectly drawing some boundaries with you and not with them because he doesn't really feel the need to. That's all. 

Focus on your job. You shouldn't even be entertaining this crush so do your best to let those kinds of thoughts of him fizzle. 

[stillafool]

Maybe you're lonely working remotely and that is why you've developed this crush on your boss.  Maybe it's time to get a boyfriend.