Am I in the wrong

[AJess]

Hi all,

i have posted a few times, and this will likely be the last time as we are likely headed down the divorce line.

Some context: my wife and I had a big blow out yesterday. It started in the morning when she was waking me up, I have been under the weather the past few days and not getting much sleep. She wanted to go out and I did not argue with her I got up and we went out. We were going to meet some friends for coffee, I told her it will be cold out and let’s leave the dog at home as I don’t want to be out in the cold, she didn’t listen and I didn’t say anything even though I was still coughing.

We found a coffee place and sat outside and it was cold and walked around. It all started when I was going to text the name of where we are going to our friends and she was like “are you stupid you can send them the location, what’s taking you so long”. I didn’t say anything.

Then we found our friends sitting inside she said go in see what you want and come out and I’ll go in because we had our dog. I went in and talked to our friends for a few min then went to see what to order, our other friend said I’ll go to to your wife and see what she wants, I said okay. She came back and said she wants to you to come out so she can go in I said okay and did that. I waited outside for 5-10 min alone didn’t say anything wasn’t a big deal to me. 

We walked around with our friends for 20 min and then went to a dealership as we were getting some new stuff done on her car. A little background on this. My dad helpers her find this car through his friend and his friend did not make any money on this deal as a favour to my dad. My dad called her before we met our friends to see if she could go to the dealership so the guy could show her the product on the car he will use. She got mad about that saying why is he asking us right now, we have plans. She told my dad she will try to go after as we had plans and wasn’t a big deal. 

We ended up finishing early and went to the dealership. On our way there, I was holding her coffee and the dog and the dog bumped my hand a some coffee spilled on her new car, she lost her s*** on me. Even though it was an accident I apologized saying I should have been careful. But s*** hit the fan. 

We got home and I cleaned the car and told her. We got into a big fight and it really blew out of proportion. She said I am useless, not employees (just got laid off in September after 9 years with a company and have been looking for jobs), always sick, etc. It got to a point where she told me to leave her alone 5 times and I finally did. The thing is when I walk away after she says that I get blamed if I stay I get blamed.

We were supposed to meet my parents for dinner as the guy that got her the car my dad wanted to take him out for dinner as a thank you.  Before I left her she said she didn’t want to go and cancel it, I asked her a few times does she really want me to as I didn’t want to as that would have been rude for someone that helped her and my dad as well. She fell asleep and I woke her up and s*** hit the fan. She said the way I woke her up was not nice, I simply said it’s 3:55 do you still want to go. She acted my character saying I’m dumb and she doesn’t want to go. I told her my dad helped her get this car and this guy gave a deal to us not making any money. She was like “your dad didn’t do s***, I had to keep on reminding him, I don’t owe anyone anything”.

It escalated from there to a point where I was in tears and she made fun of that. I have told her in the last sometimes I wish I wasn’t alive so I don’t have to deal with this. I got irrational and I am to blame for that and said “f*** off, leave me alone if I don’t come home don’t come looking for me”. Yes a little childish on my end but I was just in a bad emotional state. I said when she back from her work trip this week I will not be here and will move out.

She didn’t let me leave the house as she said I’m a danger and took away my keys. I went into our guest room slammed the door and started crying and had to text my dad to tell him we got into an argument and are not coming. Embarrassing for him and I should have went on my own as my wife told me but I did not.

She came into the room and we started to going at it, now she has hit me on occasion’s and threw stuff at me in the past so I thought this will happen, thankfully it didn’t. I told her I’m going for a walk and left. Came back an hour later and was sitting downstairs and I just told her to leave me alone. She came back few minutes later and went off. Saying I threaten her with suicidal thoughts and I am a danger. Then she went off that I don’t support her, she deals with my drinking, (I am not an alcoholic but will enjoy every now and then with friends, and have in fact cut down on that, not do I drink every day or every week). 

My wife went to Law School in a different province and I told her I supported her when she went and everyone around us said that was a big sacrifice as we have a house in our current city. She said I could have came with her, she begged me to come (which she did not), and then I didn’t want to move after she was done, and I said that is where my career was progressing. She said “where did it get you now”. She said basically she is done. I asked her if we can talk when she is back from her trip and when we calm, she barley agreed and said she’s likely done.

In a way I am, I should not have to walk on egg shells, deal with emotional abuse, sometimes physical. I get stressed, anxious, and have stomach problems as I am conflict adverse. 

Part of me wants to be done but we have been together for 17 years this November, on top of that it’s our anniversary on 10 days.

She constantly says I’m selfish, don’t do anything for her, and don’t have sex. We want kids but I don’t want to bring them into a toxic environment when I am doubting my self.

I am sorry for this long note, I want to know if I am in the wrong as I am not perfect and have to admit to her I am a shitty partner as she tells me that all the time. I do all the house chores, cleaning, laundry, dishes, hanging up her clothes. I don’t cook much and will admit to that.

I hope I can get some advice from someone or a perspective. I should not be thinking I don’t want I live every time we get into a fight and I get emotional abuse.

I did lose my s*** yesterday no excuse.

Thank you.

J

[FMW]

Being married for 17 years is no excuse to stay in a bad marriage, which is what you are describing.  I told my husband I wanted a divorce about 6 weeks before our 23rd anniversary.  When it's time, it's time.  

Get out of this unhealthy situation, now.  Get an attorney and prepare yourself for things to be actively unpleasant while the divorce process unfolds from start to finish.  But then there will be an end to what you've been going through and you will be free to find peace and happiness.  

[basil67]

1 hour ago, AJess said:

Some context: my wife and I had a big blow out yesterday. It started in the morning when she was waking me up, I have been under the weather the past few days and not getting much sleep. She wanted to go out and I did not argue with her I got up and we went out. We were going to meet some friends for coffee, I told her it will be cold out and let’s leave the dog at home as I don’t want to be out in the cold, she didn’t listen and I didn’t say anything even though I was still coughing.

She's no angel in all of this, but neither were you. 

You were feeling sick and crappy and didn't want to go to the cafe, but you were fine to visit your family?   It doesn't work like that.  You should have excused yourself from the cafe trip and postponed visiting your parents.  And as you've been sick for a days, you could have given your family ample notice.    

It's always been gross having a sick person in the group or at work, but now that COVID is around, it's really not socially acceptable to go out and socialise when sick.  Both of you should know this

[stillafool]

 

1 hour ago, AJess said:

i have posted a few times, and this will likely be the last time as we are likely headed down the divorce line.

What's taking you so long?  She doesn't respect you as you know.  Stop the crying and get a divorce.

[glows]

It’s been 17 years and no children at this point is a blessing in disguise. I agree with you, OP, that trying for kids in this state of the relationship is a horrible decision. You’re also trying to secure employment. Who brought up divorce? Are you moving out and why? Don’t move out until you seek legal advice. 

The arguments seem so petty to me for 17 years together. It feels like there is much more beneath the surface. You mentioned some of this I think when you talked about not moving after she graduated from law school. She sounds resentful and angry and all that has built up for years - is she a practicing lawyer? Did she pass the bar exam? Why is she bitter about your unemployment? Who is paying the bills? She doesn’t speak like a successful or happy person. She sounds like she is angry and resentful for missed opportunities. Is this mostly about financial strain and money? If you move out who will you move in with or how do you afford a new place unemployed?

I have many questions. Please see a lawyer before moving or doing anything.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, AJess said:

 I should not be thinking I don’t want I live every time we get into a fight and I get emotional abuse. I did lose my s*** yesterday no excuse.

What do you mean by this? Sorry this is happening. You seem very unhappy and depict your wife as an abusive ogre. Are you financially dependent on her? Do you have children?

Please confide in trusted friends and family about the abuse. Please also privately and confidentiality consult an attorney for information, support and advice regarding your situation and options.  Hopefully your situation will improve when you decide the best options for you. 

[NuevoYorko]

Wow.  This whole train of interactions is horribly toxic.  You two seem to despise each other.  What is the point of even carrying on at all?

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, AJess said:

Part of me wants to be done but we have been together for 17 years this November

The only thing worse than being in a toxic relationship for 17 years is being in a toxic relationship for 17 years and one day.

What you described sounds like hell to me. I don’t know if there is a right or wrong here, it sounds to me like the relationship just needs to end - for both your sake. 

[d0nnivain]

I'm so sorry this is all happening to you.  Your wife is rude, mean, abusive & controlling.  Especially since she has hit you in the past, you need to leave.  Domestic violence happens to men too.  There's no shame in getting out. 

I hope you are feeling better.  You said you were sick over the weekend.  

[Gaeta]

22 hours ago, AJess said:

She said I am useless

You are in an abusive relationship. 

When a woman speaks like that to her man it's because she lost all respect for him. There is no turning back from there. The love is gone 

Don't ever let people talk to you like that.

[MsJayne]

On 11/6/2023 at 5:06 AM, AJess said:

I did lose my s*** yesterday no excuse.

No excuse? Are you kidding? She's a nightmare. She's a domestic violence perpetrator and your behaviour's reactive, link below will explain this.

https://breakthesilencedv.org/reactive-abuse-what-it-is-and-why-abusers-rely-on-it/

I would quietly go and see a lawyer, get all your divorce ducks in a row, and plan a future without this vile harridan in it. I doubt you could get divorce proceedings organised within 9 days, but it would make a great anniversary present for her. I'll bet you a fifty that if you get away from her your health will improve within a short time. 

 

[Els]

She's being abusive and there's no excuse for her behaviour, let's get that out of the way at the start.

That being said, it does sound like there is so much going on under the surface that it's literally bubbling out of your post. Did you really refuse to even consider moving to her after she was done with law school, and basically left her with the option of either breaking up or moving to you, because "that's where your career was progressing"? What about her career? And after prioritizing your career at the expense of hers through all those years, how did you end up unemployed for 2 months with no backup plan, no contacts, no leads for a job, etc? Why were you "too sick" to walk around a cafe but not "too sick" to meet your dad for dinner? Why on earth wouldn't you just postpone the dinner with your dad after a huge argument like that????

Again, there is no excuse for abuse, and I think that you should definitely leave and do not return. Talk to a lawyer as soon as you can and try to keep yourself safe and with a roof over your head while the divorce plays out. But I also think that it's clear that she has a lot of resentment boiling over, and I think I can see why. In the future, you should really examine your assumptions that your career should take priority over your partner's. Where to live is a decision that a couple should always make together, not unilaterally as you did.

Edited November 7, 2023 by Els