Does my GF's story add up?

[WiddL97]

Hey guys so I have been dating my GF for nearly 2 years now, and for the most part things have been going really great.

I do however struggle big time with anxiety, as well as trust issues, and am currently looking to speak to a therapist about it (first session is booked for this weekend) as I realise they are my issues and I need to get to the root of them. 

Now I want to preface this by saying my gf has never really given me any reason to distrust her, however unfortunately lately my anxiety and trust issues have been raging rampant and this one thing is giving me doubt, I’m aware it could just be my issues that are making an issue out of nothing, but would love some honest input/opinion. 

So essentially I was doing what I shouldn’t have and looking at some of her old photos on instagram, and noticed a particular guy who liked every single one of her photos for about a year back in 2020, and then randomly stopped. He also liked a bunch of one of her best friends photos a couple of months after he started liking her photos as well. They no longer follow each other, nor does her friend, so thought this was strange. Assumed maybe they used to be involved and broke up as this would make sense to just ‘disappear’ randomly, however me and my GF have had many in-depth talks in the past about who we’ve dated/kissed etc (both she and I wanted to have this discussion, do regret it now), and this guy never came up. 

So I spoke to her about it, explained how I was feeling insecure and silly for worrying about this, but asked if she could explain who he was. She essentially said she didn’t really know him, never met him or spoke to him and doesn’t know why/or remember why they stopped following each other. Yet she remembered his last name (as when I brought it up I just said his first name, she then said oh wait this guy’?) as well as she remembered thinking at the time that this guy worked somewhere with another friend years prior and that’s why she would have added him.

So essentially this doesn’t add up to me. It feels strange how when I brought him up she remembered his last name as well as what she was thinking at the time when adding him (nearly 3 years ago) but doesn’t know why he was also following/liking her best friend and then unfollowed them both at the same time/around the same time for no particular reason. I understand you can just have randoms follow you on instagram, but just feel it's strange how he also liked her best friend's photos for a long period of time as well.

Do you think I should follow this up with her and ask more questions, or let this one go?

Edited November 6, 2023 by WiddL97

[basil67]

I understand you're struggling, but honestly, if you keep this probing it will be to the detriment of the relationship.  And given that this happened before you were on the scene, how does this trigger your anxiety and trust?  

All in all, do not reopen this topic for the simple reason that it's truly none of your business.  Hang in there till you can see your therapist 

Edited November 6, 2023 by basil67

[WiddL97]

Thanks for the reply, I guess to just answer your question as to why do I even care as this was before me. 
 

I know that at the time this guy was following her and liking her pics, my gf was seeing a guy that ended up really toxic. I guess my brain conjures up stories that she must have also been seeing this guy at the same time and maybe she cheated and that’s why she hasn’t told me about him (because she knows cheating is an instant dealbreaker for me).
 

That may seem really far fetched and stupid but I’m aware that the brain doesn’t like uncertainty and likes to fill in the gaps and this has what it’s come up with 🙄. Like I said the only part I really don’t understand is why and how he’d like her pics and start liking a close friends pics as well before disappearing completely if they didn’t know each other more. 

While the past doesn’t matter for the most part, something like past infidelity I’d like to know about. 
 

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, WiddL97 said:

Do you think I should follow this up with her and ask more questions, or let this one go?

I was friends on social media with a guy who behaved exactly this way. He used to like all my posts and pictures. On one occasion, he posted some flirty comments, which I ignored. He then proceeded to delete them. Eventually he unfriended me.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one he engaged with in that way. That was his routine behavior. I imagine he was "hunting" for a girlfriend. And when the women he reached out to didn't take the bait, he unfriended them and moved on. 

That may very well be what this guy was doing on the social media profiles of your girlfriend and her friend.

[Els]

You're making an issue out of nothing - honestly, this sounds like a textbook manifestation of anxiety. It's great that you've made an appointment to talk to a therapist about it, cognitive behavioral therapy can really work wonders in helping someone improve their negative thought patterns. In the meantime, just breathe, and let it go.

Quote

That may seem really far fetched and stupid but I’m aware that the brain doesn’t like uncertainty and likes to fill in the gaps and this has what it’s come up with

Yes, one of the things that a good therapist will teach you is to be aware that this is happening and to learn to accept the uncertainty.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, WiddL97 said:

. I guess my brain conjures up stories that she must have also been seeing this guy at the same time and maybe she cheated and that’s why she hasn’t told me about him (because she knows cheating is an instant dealbreaker for me).

How is your relationship overall?  Are there arguments or conflicts?

Are you in agreement as far as commitments such as living together, marriage, family, timelines, etc.?  Are you being pressured or feeling pressured to move forward in the relationship? 

It seems almost like you are trying to sabotage the relationship so you don't have to continue it and even inventing imaginary "cheating" to this end. It seems like you're hunting for reasons to break up with her. 

Edited November 6, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

You're checking her social media is just your mind's way for you to control and that is what people with anxiety do. Let it go and let your therapist help you.

Overthinking and trying to control her social media won't help your anxiety in the long run. Trust in your relationship and trust in your girlfriend unless she gives you a reason not to.

Anytime you feel an urge like this coming on you'll have to find a way to redirect it. Your therapist can help with that.

You said your gf has given you no reasons to distrust her in the past. That's telling. So you have 3 options: 1. You trust her unless she gives you proper reasons not to. 2. You can seek some evidence to back up your fears but realize this may not help. 3. You can keep checking her social media and going crazy when you feel like you see something suspicious (even if it isn't).

[glows]

You realize people cheat every day without social media, right? I understand you have anxiety and fear of infidelity (like most) but no, bringing this up again makes no sense and don’t do it. A healthy partner is going to dump you and realize quickly you’re toxic and too controlling and difficult to be around. 

It takes time to develop trust with a partner. Don’t rush into this thinking everything must be discovered right away. Take your time going on dates, enjoy the time you spend together.

Focus on her as a person and see the way she treats people around her when you see one another. You become a witness to her character yourself instead of “filling” in holes and details expecting to have instant answers.

Take a step back from social media if this is getting too overwhelming. Get off your phone, go outside, try a hobby. Redirect that nervous energy somewhere else. It’s great you’re asking these questions on whether it’s appropriate to bring this up again. No, it is not. Focus on your gf now and date her now and see what kind of person she is.

[d0nnivain]

You should let this go.  It's nothing except in your mind.  It happened before you met her & is none of your business anyway. It is NOT evidence that she cheated.  Your anxiety I lying to you.   He probably is just some random guy.  He disappeared because he may have wanted to date her but when that didn't pan out, he left. 

All of your Qs & concerns are from your anxiety which is twisting the facts & making you nutty.  

Do talk to your new therapist about this so that person can better understand how your mind works.  Knowing this will help them treat your anxiety by giving you tools for when this happens. 

Edited November 6, 2023 by d0nnivain

[Gaeta]

All of this means nothing. Yes see your therapist. Also if you have time to search 2-3 years of history on her social media you may not be busy enough. Pick up a sport, get in a group, learn a new talent. When we're busy doing things our mind has less fuel to create horror stories like you're doing.  

[Versacehottie]

this is a classic anxiety loop (within a relationship/probably most things TBH)...."well, I know it might be my anxiety and I know I might be overreacting...BUUUUTTTT I still want to know".

Then if you get a bit of additional information...even if to an unanxious person it would be reassurance, you will proceed to churn and dispute the new information....under the same theory: "well I know it might be my anxiety buuuutttt I still want to know and once I know more about that i will feel better". It's a never-ending cycle and it's unfair to your partner. 

Despite that I think it's a bad idea to contribute MORE to your churning process, I realize that if you are processing things in a more mentally healthy way that you might be able to use this nugget at that point (as evidence that disputes your irrational thoughts): so um yeah guys follow all the time that perhaps are slightly interested or more interested in you. It doesn't necessarily mean she is doing anything back and maybe has never even responded to him ever (not that she'd have to stick to those guidelines at ANY point).  I'm guessing he "disappeared" because he finally got a girlfriend of his own or realized she wasn't that interested in him or interested in him at all in that way. 

The way you are processing this story also shows that you are putting her on a pedestal, as if the guy has no free will and wouldn't move on his own (guessing that is because that is what YOU would do). 2020 was 3 years ago. A lot changes. Go to your therapist appointment and really make some personal changes. It's sort the big fault of anxious people to say "i know I have anxiety and I'll tell you up front, but then I'm gonna go ahead and do what anxiety wants me to do anyway and just deal with it".  I think she doesn't even owe telling you what happened in her past. To an anxious person, it's just a bottomless pit of insecurity and new problems to have shared that. I do think that you can potentially improve with active and diligent effort toward changing this about yourself. and you should. Good luck

[Lotsgoingon]

Hold on ... you're worried about a guy online in 2020? A guy who also liked one of her friends?! By my count 2020 is three years ago. Why in the world would you care? 

He also liked a bunch of one of her best friends photos a couple of months after he started liking her photos as well. They no longer follow each other, nor does her friend, so thought this was strange. This is, politely speaking, a stretch. Why is this strange? I can turn on paranoia in a second and my brain is having trouble seeing this guy's liking (and soon disappearance) as strange. Simple scenario. He liked your gf, wanted to flirt with her, see if she had any interest in him. But he didn't approach her directly. Rather he did (as so many people do) the liking thing! 

There is a chance your insecurity might be rooted in reality. In relationships, some of the most subtle shifts in energy can make us not feel so safe. The problem is we often don't have the language or understanding that subtle shifts can be major signs of possible trouble.  I'm not saying your gf was doing anything wrong. I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong (well a little). But something is making you insecure. Otherwise, why would you check her phone?

What was going on in your mind and body at the time when you looked at her Instagram? What feelings were you having about your gf? People can outwardly, officially treat us well and yet, they are apparently withholding some warmth or affection or compliments or attention--and when that happens, the person in your position can experience that as insecurity. 

You should think about whether you wanted some kind of change (however small) in your relationship with your gf at the time of the Instagram checking.  It's possible that you really wanted to ask your gf for some change in the relationship or for some comfort of some sort and for more attention and for some reason, you didn't make the ask. Well you could have then experienced that failure to ask for what you want as "insecurity"--as in something is wrong with the relationship. In this case, the real problem is that you didn't ask honestly for what you wanted in the relationship. And yes, that is insecurity--not asking for what you want. But that's different than "you-make-up-and invent-problems-out-of-nowhere” insecurity. 

In therapy you want to investigate both of these types of insecurities with your therapist. 

True story: I once got insecure with a woman I was dating and strange as it seems, and I'm just not the type that gets insecure in relationships. It's a random thing, not some sign of my emotional strength.  Well in time I realized something. I got insecure about this gf because I (me!) was tired of dating her, but I didn't feel right breaking up with her. I thought breaking up with her would hurt her too much (totally wrong thinking but that was where I was at the time). I also thought this woman was damaged and backward and clueless in some major ways, but I felt ashamed for feeling that way. I was good young man, and I didn't want to judge people I knew and was close to as damaged and backwards.  

My emotional system was out of whack. And the strange result: I would get jealous about her! Only later did I realize I was feeling insecure because of "projection." I didn't want to be with her, so I secretly thought, why would she want to be with me? That's the kind of twisted result that can happen when we are NOT deeply, ruthlessly honest about how we feel about the other person and about the relationship. 

So dude, dig in, be honest. What led you to check her Instagram page. You dated for two years without checking? Something shifted, something was going on with you and your gf that triggered you to check her page. What was that?

 

 

 

 

 

[MsJayne]

12 hours ago, WiddL97 said:

Do you think I should follow this up with her and ask more questions, or let this one go?

Let it go, because it's nothing. Social media's full of random people who follow someone they don't even know in the hope that the person might pay attention to them, he probably saw your girl's bestie on her feed and then began following, (stalking), her as well. Even if he was some guy your girlfriend was involved with, it was before you came along and it's none of your business, you don't have the right to interrogate her about her life. Oddly, suspecting or accusing a partner of being a cheater when they're not is a great way to drive them out of your life because it's infuriating behaviour. 

[ShyViolet]

It's not your place to put her life from before your relationship with her under a microscope.  This has nothing to do with you and it's honestly none of your business.  It's some random guy who liked some of her pictures before you were in a relationship with her.  It means nothing.  Stop letting your mind invent problems where there are none.

[smackie9]

ya it does add up....this is what happens in life....people do come and go, and just because he was a guy doesn't mean anything romantic was ever involved....if fact there is nothing to indicate that at all. Sure the guy might have made an attempt with her and her friends, but none were interested by the looks of it.

My advice: it's not healthy to reveal each other's past in intimate detail. Whatever was before you or her shouldn't be of any interest nor should it be any indication that something shady will happen due to that knowledge. What you have been doing is just enabling your insecurities. Having her constantly reassure you enables this anxiety.

The next step here is to stop looking through her social media...like completely. Stop going through her phone, or even looking at it or picking it up. Stop asking her about other guys, or ask "who was that?!" etc. Cut yourself of of these bad habits....time to retrain your brain. Ask your therapist what coping skills you can learn to break this behaviour.