Just found out wife is cheating. what to do?

[Liquidity]

Hi All,

Just found out definitely that my (35M) wife (34F) (our relationship started in 2010 and we got married in 2018) is cheating. We have no kids. Long story short, I have been noticing her texting this guy for a month now (that I know of) and seen her sending selfies, etc. I had suspicion, but she always told me it was her gay friend (who i know)'s gay friend (the guy she is texting and I do not know this person). I believe this has been going on longer than a month. 

Mid sept- we went to Cancun  with my family and I noticed when we were both looking at her phone that this guy messaged and called her. I asked who it was and that was when she gave me the gay friend's gay friend answer. And that was when I noticed more after we got back, that she was talking to this guy almost every day and sometimes hiding her phone from me etc. Come to Oct 20th, we are going on another family vacation with her Sister's family- and this is a roadtrip where it is a 4 hour drive. I noticed there was a weird address on her GPS. When she was driving, I googled the address and it was registered to the surname of that guy (28M) she has been texting (it was registered in his mom's name 59F). I confronted her during our drive about this and she said she only went there once to drop him off after work. 

Fast forward to when we came back from vacation and 28Oct she told me she was going to go to a baby shower and then spend the night at her parents' house (closer to the city) since we live in the suburbs (an hour from the city, and she has done this before as the commute is so far and I will admit she has been doing this more often, say if she went out to HH after work with friends or coworkers, etc- she would spend the night at her parents). The next morning, I noticed on Google maps (FYI, we shared locations a while back but hers was always acting up and I cannot pinpoint when hers stopped working), but her location was at that address. My heart sunk! I called her and she ignored me calls, I texted her and told her to come home right away as I see her location was at that place. I called her mom to confirm if she was there at their house that night, to which she said no. My wife calls me back later and says she wasn't at that address and doesn't know why it showed up like that- and then later, when her mom and my wife were together, her mom told me she didn't realize, but my wife did stay overnight and she fell asleep before she noticed my wife went there (I confirmed this was a lie and her mom was covering). 

My wife comes back home and we have a long talk where she says she "doesn't know how she's feeling about us anymore and needs time to think and wants a break of a few days to a week, and wants to stay at her parents'/ sister's house." and she keeps saying "she is unhappy and has been for a while, and wants to work on it but wants time to think and know if she really wants to feel this way or thinks she has to feel this way". While she was packing up some clothes, I try to access her dashcam footage and noticed parts of the entire morning/last night was deleted.

I respect her, because at this point I did not fear infidelity. During this time (sunday Oct 29 to wednesday 01Nov), we were texting her each normal conversation here and there, and I did not bring up the space, so I could respect her thinking time. This is where I drove to her parents house, and swapped out her dashcam's sd card. Got home, and low and behold the footage confirms she was at that address on Oct 28, Oct 29, Oct 31. and spent the night each night. One of the clips, I was able to see the guy and my wife cross the street to go into the house and they hold each others backs and real close to each other. 

I have since talked to lawyers, and have something set up tomorrow. I have all my documents lined up. We live in a no-fault state so that sucks since it'll most likely be a 50/50 split of the house even though I put in over the course of the past 5.5 years (164k vs her 18k) to help with everything in the house (mortgage, utilities, auto insurance, etc). 

I really thought I had it all planned out to just file for divorce and be done with it, try to minimize my financial impact as best as possible. I want to keep my house as I like the house, location and the rate I'm locked in as 2.75% and the mortgage is in my name alone, so I don't have to do anything to change it. 

Then just 2 days ago, we re-connected on the phone and she just pulled on my heartstrings and saying she doesn't know what she wants, she's still just thinking about how she should feel, etc. I did not confront her about me knowing yet, as I would like to do this in person. I asked if we could meet up this week so we can discuss in person about what's been going on. She keeps saying she needs more time and said I was rushing her. 

What does everyone think? I do want to try to make it work with her, but only if she goes 100% with me too. If it's this back and forth, then I might as well just serve her the papers. 

Do I file/get my affairs in order, and in parallel- try to meet with her and see her side? See if she has remorse, and/or chooses me? 

[stillafool]

Welcome to LS.  Your wife is stalling on giving you an answer because she's waiting to see what the OM is going to do.  Most of these guys don't mind having sex with a MW but few actually want her to leave her husband and come with them.  MW in affairs are the ones who want to leave their spouses for the OM they are cheating with.  You are smart to seek the counsel of an attorney.  She is cheating and having sex with the other man.  You should get checked for STDs.  Do not play the "pick me" game with her.   Tell her what you've found and that you know she's been cheating.  It is then up to her to confess, beg for forgiveness, promise for complete transparency, and to go NC with this guy.  Maybe to even quit her job so not to see him again.  This is all required for reconciliation and even then, there is no guarantee she will stay away from him.

Edited November 6, 2023 by stillafool

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Liquidity said:

I have since talked to lawyers, and have something set up tomorrow. I have all my documents lined up. We live in a no-fault state so that sucks since it'll most likely be a 50/50 split of the house 

Sorry this is happening. Please keep your appointment with the attorney. 

Once you get a more in-depth consultation, you'll be able to figure out what your options are and best asset protection strategies.

As far as your marriage and this "friend of a friend", does she admit to the trysts or is she sticking with the "just confused, need space" story? 

Do you want to reconcile? First see where you stand divorce wise to free your mind on the division of assets matter. Then decide if your marriage is worth salvaging. 

[Liquidity]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Please keep your appointment with the attorney. 

Once you get a more in-depth consultation, you'll be able to figure out what your options are and best asset protection strategies.

As far as your marriage and this "friend of a friend", does she admit to the trysts or is she sticking with the "just confused, need space" story? 

Do you want to reconcile? First see where you stand divorce wise to free your mind on the division of assets matter. Then decide if your marriage is worth salvaging. 

Thanks for the replies everyone! She stuck to the "Not cheating, why don't you trust me??" argument when I brought it up since she was at that address, and then denies being there and Google must have glitched. She is sticking to the "confused and need space" the entire last week and this past weekend- asking for another week. I am happy I swapped out that SD card- because now at least I know for sure. She has been lying to not only me, but her parents and sister. 

Honestly, that's why I've been so conflicted these past few days. If she actually confesses, and says she wants to work on us- I would want to do that too, however I know how much work, time and effort would go into it (and it needs to be from both sides). But deep deep deep down in me, it definitely feels like its over and I wasted 13 years of my life.

[MsJayne]

You must be reeling at the moment, so well done for having the wherewithal to seek legal advice so quickly. Your wife has just shown you who she really is. A selfish and manipulative liar who's stalling for time while she sees where this fling is going to go. Most likely it will go nowhere, relationships built on deceit rarely have a good foundation, and then she'd probably come home and be all fake apologies and dumb excuses. But do you really want her back when you now know you can't trust her? Sounds like you're in that situation where, because you're contributing so much more than her financially, she hesitates to leave because without you she'll have to pay her own bills. We only have your side of the story, maybe she has reason to be unhappy, however she doesn't have any excuse for being a lying sneak. The sneaking around is all to do with setting up her next relationship sponsor before she moves on. Only you know whether you could accept never knowing whether she came back because she loves you or because she loves the lifestyle your income provides. One way you could ascertain whether she's with you for money is to specify that, if she chooses to stay married to you, she has to start paying her way. I suspect you wouldn't see her for dust. 

[Liquidity]

12 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

You must be reeling at the moment, so well done for having the wherewithal to seek legal advice so quickly. Your wife has just shown you who she really is. A selfish and manipulative liar who's stalling for time while she sees where this fling is going to go. Most likely it will go nowhere, relationships built on deceit rarely have a good foundation, and then she'd probably come home and be all fake apologies and dumb excuses. But do you really want her back when you now know you can't trust her? Sounds like you're in that situation where, because you're contributing so much more than her financially, she hesitates to leave because without you she'll have to pay her own bills. We only have your side of the story, maybe she has reason to be unhappy, however she doesn't have any excuse for being a lying sneak. The sneaking around is all to do with setting up her next relationship sponsor before she moves on. Only you know whether you could accept never knowing whether she came back because she loves you or because she loves the lifestyle your income provides. One way you could ascertain whether she's with you for money is to specify that, if she chooses to stay married to you, she has to start paying her way. I suspect you wouldn't see her for dust. 

Thank you for the reply and insight! Fortunately for her, she just graduated to become a nurse partitioner- so I bet now that she thinks she can be on her own, her unhappiness with me led to this and can fund her own lifestyle. The guy she is seeing now does not seem to have much money (in one of the dashcam footage- they are in the car and he mentioned he only has the 1 credit card with a 6k limit).

I definitely agree that its not one sided, and I am not saying I am the perfect husband by any means. The first few days after her break (before I confirmed the infidelity) I used alot of time self-reflecting on what I could be doing better, pinpointing what I was neglecting from our initial discussions. Alot of her unhappiness she said came from us not having as much fun, going out as much, spending time together overall, which was all things I said we would/could work on. Additionally, she has made alot of friends in nursing school who are younger and I had previously expressed I did not like them as I felt they were too immature (this was about 2 years ago), and she said she stopped inviting me out to their events because she knows I don't like her friends or wanted me to be miserable. Which is ironic, because then she became even more unhappy, I guess. I know we both could work on our communication and if we had just communicated better early on and I paid more attention the past 2 years, we wouldn't be having this conversation. But, somewhere along the line- everything just broken down and she expressed (and I agree) that we went from soulmates to people that live together. This was where I came in and said that was where we needed to work on it with counseling and how difficulty it would be and I was willing to put in the work. She just seemed reluctant about it all.

Either way, I did want to get all my ducks lined up and right now I'm at a crossroads, but her reluctancy to talk to me feels like to me she has kind of made up her mind.

[MsJayne]

11 minutes ago, Liquidity said:

Either way, I did want to get all my ducks lined up and right now I'm at a crossroads, but her reluctancy to talk to me feels like to me she has kind of made up her mind.

Sounds like you have a good grip on what's happening, also sounds like you've tried to fix things between you but you're trying on your own because she's busy having her second childhood. My take is that it's actually you who should be the one who's so unhappy that you want out, and maybe the way to jolt her back to reality is that you be the one to make the decision rather than giving her the options. 

[Weezy1973]

Honestly, since you don’t have kids just get a divorce. She doesn’t sound like someone that would be a great co-parent anyways. And a guy with a good career in his mid 30s is like gold in the dating market. If you’re halfway decent looking you’ll have no problems finding a really good, loyal woman to start a family with. 

[glows]

She may be talking to a lawyer too and stalling for time.

Would you continue to question her fidelity or loyalty even if she came back and said she wants to work things out 100%? There are unfortunately many threads about the trust being broken/not salvageable as much as a couple tries.

The root causes of the marriage dysfunction aren’t fully resolved. If she can’t work out why she’s so unhappy or share that with you that will be a recurring issue should you stay together. The affair is an escape not the real problem. From the way she is speaking it sounds like she’s not in love with you anymore. I’m referring to her trying to decide if this is how she feels(wanting to work it out) or if she thinks she’s supposed to feel that way. 

How did you know the age of the other guy and his mother at 59? 

[Liquidity]

15 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Honestly, since you don’t have kids just get a divorce. She doesn’t sound like someone that would be a great co-parent anyways. And a guy with a good career in his mid 30s is like gold in the dating market. If you’re halfway decent looking you’ll have no problems finding a really good, loyal woman to start a family with. 

That is what my close friends keep telling me, just sucks because my self-confidence took a shot from this and I definitely at 35 feel old to start all over as well. It is just a mental barrier right now for me.

7 hours ago, glows said:

She may be talking to a lawyer too and stalling for time.

Would you continue to question her fidelity or loyalty even if she came back and said she wants to work things out 100%? There are unfortunately many threads about the trust being broken/not salvageable as much as a couple tries.

The root causes of the marriage dysfunction aren’t fully resolved. If she can’t work out why she’s so unhappy or share that with you that will be a recurring issue should you stay together. The affair is an escape not the real problem. From the way she is speaking it sounds like she’s not in love with you anymore. I’m referring to her trying to decide if this is how she feels(wanting to work it out) or if she thinks she’s supposed to feel that way. 

How did you know the age of the other guy and his mother at 59? 

I looked up the address and saw the registered names, living attendants. 

Honestly, I have been thinking about this- I do want to work it out but it would need both of us to be 1000% dedicated. Everything open, no hiding anything, etc. That would be what I would want, but deep down- I think I know the real answer is just to end it.

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Liquidity said:

I definitely at 35 feel old to start all over as well. It is just a mental barrier right now for me.

I'm a woman and I agree with Weezy that a man in his mid 30s is dating gold.  You are in your prime to date 20s, 30s and 40s.  You will not go lonely if you leave your cheating wife.

[mark clemson]

I think a lot of times people who cheat feel unhappy in a relationship but also often "don't know what they've got 'til it's gone".

So broaching this whole topic MAY get her wanting you back and (presumably) back on the straight and narrow in order to do that. Or she may concede your marriage really hasn't been working for her and she's ready to leave. It could go either way so I think you would be wise to prepare for both possibilities.

If it was me, I don't think I would accept "waffling" on her part, but you must make your own decisions.

Edited November 7, 2023 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Liquidity said:

, I have been thinking about this- I do want to work it out but it would need both of us to be 1000% dedicated. Everything open, no hiding anything, etc. That would be what I would want, but deep down- I think I know the real answer is just to end it.

All you can do is wait until you speak in person and hopefully your findings will add up with her stories

Perhaps do both. Get whatever information and advice you need from an attorney for your own sake (but do not tell her or threaten divorce), as well as see how your conversation goes and perhaps suggest marital therapy. 

[Bryanp]

It is certainly evident that she has been having sex with this OM. You need to get tested for STD's. You seem to have a clear head on your shoulders. She clearly has no respect for you.She had dispected you and your marriage in the worst possible way. Remember that if you don't respect yourself then who will?

If the roles were reversed, how do you think she would be acting?

[glows]

12 hours ago, Liquidity said:

That is what my close friends keep telling me, just sucks because my self-confidence took a shot from this and I definitely at 35 feel old to start all over as well. It is just a mental barrier right now for me.

I looked up the address and saw the registered names, living attendants. 

Honestly, I have been thinking about this- I do want to work it out but it would need both of us to be 1000% dedicated. Everything open, no hiding anything, etc. That would be what I would want, but deep down- I think I know the real answer is just to end it.

She needs to communicate why she’s been unhappy. Or have you both had discussions already in the past through the years? Do you know? It’s very vague the reasons for your split but a person doesn’t usually just end up in an affair after years together. There’s an accumulation of resentment, disillusionment, despair and frustration. People do grow apart and find themselves in affairs but there are issues that usually lead up to that point. 

What I’m saying is reconciliation isn’t completely impossible but it is unlikely if you both refuse to address the actual problems in the marriage. The affair is not the actual problem. It’s the symptom of years of dysfunction or lack of communication. Aren’t you curious what happened? And if not maybe you already know why she’s so befuddled and back and forth or worst case, manipulative? Ie her saying she needs time etc

I would want to know what happened in the marriage. And yes it may be very painful facing this but not addressing it isn’t going to heal the both of you. You’re reacting to the affair and the gross indecency seeing her with another man, her meet ups, and so on. It’s horrifying and I feel terrible this is happening on your behalf - I cannot imagine the pain you’re already going through. You still have to look at the marriage and why it led up to this point in order to heal - with or without one another.

 

[Liquidity]

18 hours ago, stillafool said:

I'm a woman and I agree with Weezy that a man in his mid 30s is dating gold.  You are in your prime to date 20s, 30s and 40s.  You will not go lonely if you leave your cheating wife.

 

15 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I think a lot of times people who cheat feel unhappy in a relationship but also often "don't know what they've got 'til it's gone".

So broaching this whole topic MAY get her wanting you back and (presumably) back on the straight and narrow in order to do that. Or she may concede your marriage really hasn't been working for her and she's ready to leave. It could go either way so I think you would be wise to prepare for both possibilities.

If it was me, I don't think I would accept "waffling" on her part, but you must make your own decisions.

 

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

All you can do is wait until you speak in person and hopefully your findings will add up with her stories

Perhaps do both. Get whatever information and advice you need from an attorney for your own sake (but do not tell her or threaten divorce), as well as see how your conversation goes and perhaps suggest marital therapy. 

 

7 hours ago, Bryanp said:

It is certainly evident that she has been having sex with this OM. You need to get tested for STD's. You seem to have a clear head on your shoulders. She clearly has no respect for you.She had dispected you and your marriage in the worst possible way. Remember that if you don't respect yourself then who will?

If the roles were reversed, how do you think she would be acting?

 

6 hours ago, glows said:

She needs to communicate why she’s been unhappy. Or have you both had discussions already in the past through the years? Do you know? It’s very vague the reasons for your split but a person doesn’t usually just end up in an affair after years together. There’s an accumulation of resentment, disillusionment, despair and frustration. People do grow apart and find themselves in affairs but there are issues that usually lead up to that point. 

What I’m saying is reconciliation isn’t completely impossible but it is unlikely if you both refuse to address the actual problems in the marriage. The affair is not the actual problem. It’s the symptom of years of dysfunction or lack of communication. Aren’t you curious what happened? And if not maybe you already know why she’s so befuddled and back and forth or worst case, manipulative? Ie her saying she needs time etc

I would want to know what happened in the marriage. And yes it may be very painful facing this but not addressing it isn’t going to heal the both of you. You’re reacting to the affair and the gross indecency seeing her with another man, her meet ups, and so on. It’s horrifying and I feel terrible this is happening on your behalf - I cannot imagine the pain you’re already going through. You still have to look at the marriage and why it led up to this point in order to heal - with or without one another.

 

Thank you everyone for their insight! I truly appreciate it and feel at least I have an avenue to think about this. It is extremely painful- to now she is still saying she needs more time.

I did talk to an attorney and retained one- but we are not filing anything yet. I do feel I should/need to talk to my wife first before deciding to pursue a divorce. I do think the likely scenario is she just has been so unhappy and instead of working it out with me- let it fester and then this happened. The way she is acting right now and stalling for time, but in reality spending time with the other guy- just tells me she has already made up her mind.... my ultimate wish was for us to work it out if both parties were interested in pursuing that, but ultimately with the way things are trending/her actions during this "break" tells me she's been done and there is no saving this.

To answer glows- we have had difficult discussions in the past where we talked about how it felt we were drifting apart, and tried to work on it- but I don't think we both worked on it hard enough and it felt we just resumed what we were doing. For me, had I know the outcome of this- I would go back and give it so much more. I think you are right that the accumulation of everything just led to the infidelity and now it feels like she does not want to recover our relationship at all.

Thanks again everyone- I do hope to talk to her this week/weekend and see what outcome this comes out to.

[Lotsgoingon]

You seem indecisive and flat.  You start with a long list of events, any ONE of which, was enough to conclude she was having an affair. And still you're unsure. You should NOT have needed to see the video or to sneak in to swap out the sd card.  The evidence was already overwhelming that she was cheating. 

The fact that you are not screaming angry and that you are not reeling from the hurt means you are not in touch with basic emotions. Affairs create trauma in the betrayed partner--utter devastation. You sound more like someone who goes outside and after wandering around finally realizes their car has been stolen. Actually a close friend of mine recently had his car stolen and he was far more distraught over that than you are over the cheating and betrayal in your marriage.

This absence of feelings only clouds and undermines your judgement.  The only way you even THINK about not quitting the marriage is if she screams loudly, with certainty and power and clarity that she DEFINITELY made a mistake and that she DEFINITELY wants to get back with you. Even then, you would need a lot of time to process your feelings and anger and work towards forgiveness (which some betrayed people can't get to even when they try). 

You cannot be in close relationship (certainly marriage) with someone and have flat and absent feelings. Just does not work. Dead feelings don't just hide pain--dead feelings also block joy. 

You are focused on the dang house (which doesn't involve millions) and asset split as if that is the only loss here. And you don't even talk about the marriage before this. The marriage could not have any good. No way!  I definitely recommend counseling/therapy as a priority. You still got time in life, but you got to learn how to feel and then learn how to act constructively on your feelings. 

Your wife is really handing you a gift. This thing was bound to fall apart because of your flatness. This may be just the push you need.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 8, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Liquidity]

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You seem indecisive and flat.  You start with a long list of events, any ONE of which, was enough to conclude she was having an affair. And still you're unsure. You should NOT have needed to see the video or to sneak in to swap out the sd card.  The evidence was already overwhelming that she was cheating. 

The fact that you are not screaming angry and that you are not reeling from the hurt means you are not in touch with basic emotions. Affairs create trauma in the betrayed partner--utter devastation. You sound more like someone who goes outside and after wandering around finally realizes their car has been stolen. Actually a close friend of mine recently had his car stolen and he was far more distraught over that than you are over the cheating and betrayal in your marriage.

This absence of feelings only clouds and undermines your judgement.  The only way you even THINK about not quitting the marriage is if she screams loudly, with certainty and power and clarity that she DEFINITELY made a mistake and that she DEFINITELY wants to get back with you. Even then, you would need a lot of time to process your feelings and anger and work towards forgiveness (which some betrayed people can't get to even when they try). 

You cannot be in close relationship (certainly marriage) with someone and have flat and absent feelings. Just does not work. Dead feelings don't just hide pain--dead feelings also block joy. 

You are focused on the dang house (which doesn't involve millions) and asset split as if that is the only loss here. And you don't even talk about the marriage before this. The marriage could not have any good. No way!  I definitely recommend counseling/therapy as a priority. You still got time in life, but you got to learn how to feel and then learn how to act constructively on your feelings. 

Your wife is really handing you a gift. This thing was bound to fall apart because of your flatness. This may be just the push you need.

Hi- thank you for the response/insight. I will say my emotions currently are not flat- actually its way more of a rollercoaster. I just have a hard time expressing it here, while putting out details of what's happening. I was filled with anger initially, but that has dissipated to straight sorrow and sadness that I do not know how to process. It feels like my heart is always in a knot, and my entire body is a shell of itself where I'm just broken. I have had a hard time focusing since Oct 29, and everything seems to be going into auto-pilot. I think it is unfair to judge my emotions from a few messages here- but I am not myself, I can guarantee that. I have never ever dealt with something like this, so I do not know how to act- I am trying to get an appointment with a therapist, but at the same time try to line up my ducks. 

I am still trying to get my wife to come back home now so we can talk about this and I can actually confront her about what I know and see where things go from there. It is just that I am in a state of limbo right now and I don't know what else to do or how to process that.

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Liquidity said:

I am trying to get an appointment with a therapist, but at the same time try to line up my ducks. 

You're doing all the right things considering. You retained an attorney and are going to unpack and sort things out with a therapist. Unfortunately there are still mixed feelings and probably many unanswered questions.  Take your time. See what she has to say in person. However don't let her stall forever. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow, good luck with talking to her. I mean, if you go into talking to her "to see what she is going to say," you have, in my view, already lost your ground. 

She's going to make up any kind of reason because she's going to read your body language and conclude that you'll go along with any flimsy reason. And you are, if you don't know how you feel, likely to accept any flimsy reason she offers. 

If there was something for her to say, she would have said it. Had she confessed to you, I would say, OK, definitely hear what she has to say. But she didn't. 

But good luck. 

Edited November 8, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Liquidity said:

Hi- thank you for the response/insight. I will say my emotions currently are not flat- actually its way more of a rollercoaster. I just have a hard time expressing it here, while putting out details of what's happening. I was filled with anger initially, but that has dissipated to straight sorrow and sadness that I do not know how to process. It feels like my heart is always in a knot, and my entire body is a shell of itself where I'm just broken. I have had a hard time focusing since Oct 29, and everything seems to be going into auto-pilot. I think it is unfair to judge my emotions from a few messages here- but I am not myself, I can guarantee that. I have never ever dealt with something like this, so I do not know how to act- I am trying to get an appointment with a therapist, but at the same time try to line up my ducks.

 

This all makes perfect sense.   Our emotions are not linear and we all process things in different ways....and there is no particular way you need to act.   This will be a journey.

Given that your wife is asking for space, it sounds like she already has one foot out the door.  Do you want to try and work through this, or are you more inclined to walk away?   

[glows]

I’m sure you still care about her deeply and are trying to wrap your mind around the total loss of your life together as you’ve known it for close to a decade and also the loss of your future together as husband and wife. Ultimately there was an agreement and a legal contract when you married one another that you’d be committed to one another so her going outside of that has broken many of those promises and that initial agreement of mutual commitment. Sure, things weren’t great but this is also a shock and you’re handling it well and it sounds like you do have some support system. I’m inferring here as in my state of shock I had family immediately jump into action on my behalf and offer their lawyers and strong advice to seek legal advice during my separation and eventual divorce. I probably would not have been as quick to handle things in my shock. I only hope you too have that kind of support from your family and friends. And if you’re doing this alone you’re not alone. Seek trained and professional help from divorce counsellors and therapists who can help you through the difficult emotions.

Regarding the discussions prior and this weekend: I see you noted you both have had discussions in the past and time slipped away. You are doing the right things taking care of yourself, getting the legal advice required in ending the marriage and protecting yourself. I would not discuss the fact you’re meeting with a lawyer with her at all. Get the advice you need privately so you make sure you know how to proceed as well in handling your interactions and affairs.

On health: Someone mentioned getting tested for STDs and strongly encourage that as well if not already done. I would not lapse back into anything sexual with her seeing as she’s with someone else. Practice healthy boundaries physically and emotionally so you’re prepared to move on should you have to when the time comes. 

[mark clemson]

On 11/8/2023 at 1:12 PM, Liquidity said:

I will say my emotions currently are not flat- actually its way more of a rollercoaster.

 

There is in fact no one "correct" way to be in a relationship emotionally or to react to discovery of an affair. While there are certainly commonalities, every couple has an ultimately unique "chemistry." Some work out, some do not, but reacting emotionally is no guarantee of a successful one, in fact from what I understand "high emotional intensity" relationships have a tendency to not last LT.

And not everyone is "emotionally devastated" by news of an affair. Some are, but there are those who react with "cold rationality," some who attempt to "nice" their lover back, others who matter-of-factly walk away, etc, etc.

We are simply not all psychologically (or neurologically) the same, and the notion that there is one correct way to react is, TBQH, an extremely simplistic one. If we were all the same emotionally the world would be a vastly different place.

That said, given that you are preparing for possibly the worst, you might consider researching "the 180" as it pertains to divorces and relationships, as it is (IMO) a nice piece of applied cognitive behavioral therapy that can be useful in situations like this.