Going Through Divorce

[AmandaCee]

My STBXH decided he couldn't forgive me. He feels the betrayal is too much to get over. I'm heartbroken, devastated, and feel completely lost. I was hopeful about us working things out, but during his counselling, he realised the betrayal was too much for him to move past. He doesn't think he can trust me again, so he doesn't want to try. Living alone now feels strange; it's been a while since I've had my own place. I plan to keep improving myself through counselling and fixing things with my children.

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, AmandaCee said:

. I plan to keep improving myself through counselling and fixing things with my children.

Sorry this is happening. Did he or you move out? Has he served the divorce papers? Please consult an attorney ASAP for information support and advice.  Please keep in mind that a divorce is basically a lawsuit dissolving the marriage. In this case you'll be the "defendant", because you waited and he filed first.  It's good you're in therapy and taking care of yourself and the children. 

Edited November 7, 2023 by Wiseman2

[AmandaCee]

He wanted me to leave. He rented a place for me to stay while I found a job. I received divorce papers last week. I've consulted with a few solicitors about it. My STBXH has already prepared a financial agreement through his solicitor and shown it to me. He's willing to give me a lump sum of money, but I declined it because I don't want his money. I'm not interested in going after his assets or possessions.

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's good you're in therapy and taking care of yourself and the children. 

Thanks a lot. I really wish I had started counselling much earlier; it's been a big help. I've invited my children to check out my new home, but they've been making excuses. However, today they messaged me and said they'd visit over the weekend, so I'm hopeful that's a positive sign.

[MsJayne]

You sound a bit lost and lonely, this will pass with time. I'll take a stab in the dark and guess that you had an affair and the whole family knows? Great that you're seeing a counsellor, the support will help you get through a very rough time, and also help you understand why you did whatever you did. As far as fixing things with your kids, you're their mother, they may be angry at you but they'll still love you even as you deal with some of the hard issues that will probably come up in the future such as being blamed for the demise of the family unit. As you're not working you must have a lot of time to fill, how are you coping with too much time to think about things? May I ask what happened in your marriage and how you came to where you are right now? 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

 what happened in your marriage and how you came to where you are right now? 

 

[AmandaCee]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

As you're not working you must have a lot of time to fill, how are you coping with too much time to think about things?

Currently, I find myself with plenty of free time, but I spend most of it overthinking and doing very little. While I do have friends, they're also friends of my STBXH, so conversations with them are not frequent. Therefore, I'm mostly alone, especially now that I live on my own.

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

May I ask what happened in your marriage and how you came to where you are right now? 

I've shared the details of what happened in my marriage, but it's quite a lengthy story. To give you a brief summary: I had been a stay-at-home mom by choice. I discussed the idea of returning to work with my STBXH, and he left the decision up to me. Eventually, I decided to pursue a job, and he even helped me secure it.

I worked at this job for six months and ended up having an EA with my boss and it became phyiscal. Although I claim the affair lasted three months, it was more like one month, with the first two months consisting of my boss attempting to flirt with me. I say it lasted three months because I didn't shut him down as I should have; I ended the affair when it turned physical.

However, my STBXH discovered the affair when he asked for my phone and somehow retrieved my messages with my boss. He immediately asked for a divorce and didn't speak to me for a while. After some time, he began talking to me again but never mentioned the affair or the divorce. I thought our relationship was improving, but last week, I was served with divorce papers.

Up to this point, he hasn't brought up my affair at all—not a single question. I've had plenty of time for thoughts, and while I can't speak for him, I can only imagine what he might be thinking of me. He hasn't expressed any hatred or anger directly; in fact, he's been remarkably composed. I've come across stories where husbands become furious with their wives after an affair, but that hasn't been his reaction. He's never resorted to name-calling or mentioned the affair in our conversations. Despite his silence, I can't shake the feeling that he harbours resentment. After all, he helped me secure the job, and merely three months later, I engaged in an affair. I can't help but assume he must harbour some level of disdain for me because of that.

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, AmandaCee said:

I can't help but assume he must harbour some level of disdain for me because of that.

Yes, I guess so, though I doubt the time frames have that much of an impact, it's maybe more to do with how easily you entered into the situation, and I guess from husband's point of view it would be like you didn't value the marriage and family enough to make you think twice, and also that clearly your boss was a sleazebag and you couldn't see that because you were flattered by the attention, so yes, he's probably got some disdain going on.  I do recall reading your story when you first posted, and sadly it sounds like he's firm in his decision. Hopefully you'll be able to become friends again at some stage in the future as that would make things much easier for your children.