Boyfriend wants to postpone our get together one night to hang with friends

[chickendinner12]

My boyfriend and I have been together 10 months. He drives up to my house I think 3 times a week for sleepovers. And sometimes he comes over after he gets off work to spend time with me. On Sunday we made plans to have our next sleep over on Tuesday. Today when he came over he asked if it was okay to postpone one night from Tuesday to Wednesday because he wanted to hang with friends and Tuesday is the only night they are all available. He said he still wants to stop by after work to see me first. He asked a couple of times if that was alright with me. 

I said it was fine, but Inside I'm a little bothered, I guess because he seems he might have put me on the back burner a little bit, or I'm not as important, I dunno. Canceling plans to hang out with others doesn't feel very good. On the other hand it's only one night. I guess it's fine if he doesn't make a habit of it. But what does everyone else think? How would you feel? 

Edited November 7, 2023 by chickendinner12

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

  it's only one night. I guess it's fine if he doesn't make a habit of it. 

Please give him a break. He seems to spend almost too much time at your place as it is. Trying to isolate people from their friends isn't a good idea. In addition to that being clingy and possessive can get very unattractive very fast. 

[Alpacalia]

C'mon now, you're being 100% unreasonable here. The relationship is still relatively new and it's healthy for both partners to have individual friendships and social lives outside of their relationship. He asked for your permission and communicated with you before making plans with his friends. This shows that he values your relationship and doesn't want to neglect it by making plans without discussing it with you first.

Why so worked up?

One night out with friends does not mean he's putting you on the back burner or that you are not important to him.

[chickendinner12]

14 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

C'mon now, you're being 100% unreasonable here. The relationship is still relatively new and it's healthy for both partners to have individual friendships and social lives outside of their relationship. He asked for your permission and communicated with you before making plans with his friends. This shows that he values your relationship and doesn't want to neglect it by making plans without discussing it with you first.

Why so worked up?

 

I have an anxious attachment style due to being raised by an abusive and mentally ill parent. When you have a parent who you never know what their mood is going to be, you are taught from a young age that you cannot trust those closest to you. And that carries over unfortunately into your relationships. 

Edited November 7, 2023 by chickendinner12

[Alpacalia]

14 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

I have an anxious attachment style due to being raised by an abusive and mentally ill parent. When you have a parent who you never know what their mood is going to be, you are taught from a young age that you cannot trust those closest to you. And that carries over unfortunately into your relationships. 

Oh. I see. I have avoidant attachment. But I digress. Your boyfriend has friends, and they deserve his time too. This is an opportunity for you to work on yourself, to recognize that he is not going to behave like your parents. He clearly made an effort to communicate with you and asked if it was okay to change the plans.

It isn't fair to your boyfriend to make him suffer for things that have nothing to do with him. And recognize that he hasn't really told you he's cancelling. IF he tells you he is no longer going to show up when he said he was,or, even worse, doesn't bother to show up...Then I would run for the hills. But he's not cancelling anything. He still wants to see you. He hasn't given up on seeing you, and that's what counts.

Edited November 7, 2023 by Alpacalia

[glows]

I think it’s a bit short notice considering today is Monday and 24 hr notice? Not a big deal in the larger scheme of things and learning to go with the flow is just as important as being considerate of one another’s expectations or any plans that might have been made.

Now if you said you both had plans to watch a movie or you had dinner reservations or things you planned to do on Tues night and he cancels the night before I’d find that disappointing. I’m assuming, as you didn’t mention any of this, that there weren’t any plans or implied plans for tomorrow. I would be disappointed at the short notice and would ask a heads up more than 24 hours if possible or maybe keep Tuesdays as a tentative day going forward that he may want to spend time with friends. 

It makes zero sense why you would keep hoping for Tues to spend together when it is rather apparent his friends like to hang out on Tuesdays or it’s likely most of them/all of them are free only on Tues. I’d expect more frequent Tues not at your place and leave it more open with room so you both can have lives and spend time with your friends too.

 

Edited November 7, 2023 by glows

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

, you are taught from a young age that you cannot trust those closest to you. 

Unfortunately this can become a catch-22 self fulfilling prophecy. 

By being clingy and possessive you could actually drive people away, thereby  perpetuating your worst fear.

Please try to stay away from trendy labels and perhaps instead consider a qualified therapist for ongoing support with whatever lingering childhood issues are there. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, chickendinner12 said:

He drives up to my house I think 3 times a week for sleepovers. And sometimes he comes over after he gets off work to spend time with me.

That's a fair bit of effort on his part.  How often do you go to him?   

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

But what does everyone else think? How would you feel? 

I would feel fine. He spends a lot of time at your place and he rescheduled. He has a life outside the relationship, OP. 

1 hour ago, chickendinner12 said:

you are taught from a young age that you cannot trust those closest to you. And that carries over unfortunately into your relationships. 

Have you sought professional help for this? 

[Gaeta]

He did not cancel, he rescheduled one day later, which is fine. Before feeling worried you should verify with yourself if you are using the right words to identify situations as words have importance and the words we chose to tell stories in our head can have us spiraling down or feeling secure.

The man spends a lot of time with you so it's normal once in a while something will come up and he'll reshedule.

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

I said it was fine, but Inside I'm a little bothered, I guess because he seems he might have put me on the back burner a little bit, or I'm not as important, I dunno. Canceling plans to hang out with others doesn't feel very good. On the other hand it's only one night. I guess it's fine if he doesn't make a habit of it. But what does everyone else think? How would you feel? 

I'd probably feel a bit disappointed as I'd have been looking forward to being with him on Tuesday. But I would understand and would ultimately be okay with it. Honestly, he sounds like a good guy. It doesn't sound like he's taking you for granted. However, if cancellations were to become a regular thing or if he didn't bother talking to you about wanting to change plans and just stood you up, it would have been a completely different story.

Edited November 7, 2023 by Acacia98

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

I have an anxious attachment style due to being raised by an abusive and mentally ill parent. When you have a parent who you never know what their mood is going to be, you are taught from a young age that you cannot trust those closest to you. And that carries over unfortunately into your relationships. 

Maybe you should seek therapy to help you get over this, so it won't be a reoccurring theme in your relationships.  It's tiring to the other partner and they shouldn't have to pay for what your parent did.

[Lotsgoingon]

He's been steady for 10 months and he asked a week AHEAD OF TIME for a postponement of one day (not a cancellation) and you are panicking? He explains that this is the only day when the friends can all get together and you still feel neglected?  Oh my, please get to therapy right away.

You are in danger of suffocating him and the relationship. Happy couples and happy people postpone and reschedule (or even cancel) all the time. It's called living. Actually happy partners TELL your partner ahead of time that you need to make a change (actually you don't even want to "ask" as he did here). And you tell the partner exactly what you're doing/where you're going--this is the part that reassures the partner. 

Yes, bf SHOULD go out with friends. Friends fuel him, allow him to feel joy and connection. And he brings all of that back into the relationship with you. You are not and never should be his only life and only social life. Why aren't you going out with friends? Or asking for a postponement because of an activity important to you?  He's known these friends far longer than he has known you. Couples risk becoming boring and desperately needy and exhausting if they don't maintain--and prioritize-- some outside connections.  

I'll go further. You and bf should occasionally meet only once a week. What's so magical about 3x a week? And occasionally you should go an entire week without getting together (of course, do some talking on the phone during this time). Secure and happy couples do this. 

Any chance you are afraid that when bf goes out with the friends, he's going to talk negatively about you?  Or afraid  that the friends will talk negatively about you? Is that what's going on? 

Get on top of this horrible expectation ASAP in therapy or else bf is going to start feeling like the relationship is a prison. And shifting your external behavior (telling him it's OK to go) without changing the internal feelings inside of you won't work. That's why therapy is important. And look, many of us have weird attitudes about what it means to be in romance. So no shame. And you're not locked in some permanent state of insecurity based on your self-assessed attachment style. People become more secure all the time--but it requires some openness and work!

 

[NuevoYorko]

12 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

I have an anxious attachment style due to being raised by an abusive and mentally ill parent. When you have a parent who you never know what their mood is going to be, you are taught from a young age that you cannot trust those closest to you. And that carries over unfortunately into your relationships. 

Okay, but now that you are aware of this, you can take steps to change your "attachment style."  We do not necessarily have to be ruled throughout our whole lives by what happened to us in our families of origin.  Certainly that shaped each one of us, but we have a lot of tools available if we would like to expand our living skills.  

[Els]

15 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

I guess because he seems he might have put me on the back burner a little bit, or I'm not as important, I dunno

Are there other instances of his behaviour that make you feel that way, and if so what were they? Otherwise, if this isn't part of a larger pattern, I agree with the others, he's not doing anything wrong. Also, I think you could benefit from working on your anxious attachment tendencies with a therapist.

[d0nnivain]

16 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

it's only one night. I guess it's fine if he doesn't make a habit of it. But what does everyone else think? How would you feel? 

It wouldn't show up on my radar of things to be concerned about.  Rescheduling once or even once in a while is no big deal, as long as it's not all the time. If he makes it a habit, then you have a problem.  For now chill & be flexible.  

[Alvi]

It's not like he is canceling your get-together. He is simply rescheduling it. I mean, I would worry if he does that all the time. But it is totally fine to go out with friends or do things apart from each other once in a while. Why don't you do something too instead of just sitting and worrying about him?

[Bassthumper]

Yup...seems like you don't like his friends. We do tend to show a side with our friends that our  woman has never seen.