Missing him. Wish I didn't.

[ladyeatinggreens20]

Hi everyone. How many of you have been through this before? I broke up with him about a year and a half ago.  Since then we have not gone very long without communicating.  Maybe about a month...and that's because I was so busy with a new job transition and therefor didn't respond to him reaching out, i.e. calling several times and several text messages. When I've needed a muscle for an emergency at my home, he never hesitated to assist. We've always been very affectionate to one another and it didn't waiver whenever I see him.  

Lately though, I've tried to remain distant and perhaps the same for him. However, when I am distant he reaches out more. Then I start missing him again and memories resurface. Although I may need to, I don't want to just ignore him. His mom passed a few months ago and now his grandparent. He kept me in the loop a lot, almost as if we were still together. We're not though. 

I've met a few guys since the break-up, but nothing serious has developed. I'm sure he's seeing other people as well. Whenever we connect we've been still as affectionate as we were (if not more) before the breakup. One thing I remember him saying when he was thinking about proposing to me was, that he was constantly saying how much he wants us to be/stay together, but he said he didn't hear me saying the same. Another thing was that he once said, to stop playing with his heart and that he said he felt like I was just using him towards to last days of our relationship. He did propose though. I broke off the engagement. I didn't cheat. I'm not "aware" of him cheating. Overall, I think our fundamental differences were the problem.  Regardless, I still can't seem to shake the feelings of missing him no matter how busy I am with work, life, etc. It's really sad and I get so frustrated with myself.  Should I say anything to him about how I'm feeling? Or no?

[basil67]

While he's in your life, you won't recover.  So if you want to move on, you need to ask him to stop contacting you.   No more help at home, no more supporting him, no more affection.   When he's been gone a while, you'll start to move on.

The other option is to reconsider the reasons why you lost interested and ended it and if you think you could live with the differences, ask him if he'd want to try again

[ladyeatinggreens20]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

While he's in your life, you won't recover.  So if you want to move on, you need to ask him to stop contacting you.   No more help at home, no more supporting him, no more affection.   When he's been gone a while, you'll start to move on.

The other option is to reconsider the reasons why you lost interested and ended it and if you think you could live with the differences, ask him if he'd want to try again

You’re right and I know it.

Regarding asking him that question, I'm too chicken to ask him (any man) if he’d want to try again. I’ve never done anything like that in my life. Perhaps that’s an area of growth for me…

 

Edited November 9, 2023 by ladyeatinggreens20

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

. We've always been very affectionate to one another and it didn't waiver whenever I see him.  I think our fundamental differences were the problem.  

Sorry this is happening. How long were you together? How old is he? What was the breakup about and what are the "fundamental differences"?

Are you comfortable with being FWB rather than in a relationship? It seems he's ok with that arrangement. 

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

You’re right and I know it.

Regarding asking him that question, I'm too chicken to ask him (any man) if he’d want to try again. I’ve never done anything like that in my life. Perhaps that’s an area of growth for me…

 

I think there is an unwritten rule that the dumper needs to be the one who apologises and asks to have a talk about whether or not the two of you could try again.   And if the alternative is removing him from your life so that you can move on, what have you got to lose?  Even if it doesn’t work, you will at least know where you stand and I promise your dignity will recover. 

All that said, I’m still curious about the differences and whether or not they’d still turn you off

[ladyeatinggreens20]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long were you together? How old is he? What was the breakup about and what are the "fundamental differences"?

Are you comfortable with being FWB rather than in a relationship? It seems he's ok with that arrangement. 

Lol. Your last paragraph is funny. Not sure if you’re being facetious but it’s a great point within a question. The answer is “naaa”. I’m not cool with FWB. Perhaps he may be comfortable with it. However, he suggested we do the proposal again, but that was several months ago. 

We’ve been more distant over the past months though, so I don’t want to give the impression that he’s begging or asking me every week to get back together because he’s not. He contacted me this morning though. That’s the main reason this is on my mind.

We were together for about 3 years. Fundamental differences: our family culture and stress management (the way we handle it). 
 

 

 

Edited November 9, 2023 by ladyeatinggreens20

[Alpacalia]

21 minutes ago, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

You’re right and I know it.

Regarding asking him that question, I'm too chicken to ask him (any man) if he’d want to try again. I’ve never done anything like that in my life. Perhaps that’s an area of growth for me…

I did when I was younger. I no longer wanted to be in a relationship with my boyfriend and I broke up with him. I decided a few months later that I wanted to try things again with the boyfriend. In hindsight, that was 100% selfish and I should never have done that to him.

Your history together is undoubtedly intricate and has many layers. One of the primary factors contributing to the issues in your relationship was the fundamental differences between the two of you. Notably, he seemed to be more vocal about wanting to maintain the relationship compared to your stance.

Do you genuinely miss him as an individual, or if it's the idea of him or being in a relationship that you're yearning for? We often tend to idealize our ex-partners and overlook the reasons behind the relationship's challenges. Trying to reignite a relationship might not be advisable if you find yourselves in the same circumstances as when you parted ways. Personal growth and changing circumstances do happen, but they typically require time. Often, by the time these changes occur, both parties have already moved on.

You broke up a 1.5 years ago, and you're in constant communication over that time. That does not sound like a break up. It sounds like a hiatus. How can you move on if you are still in contact with him and still have feelings for him?

That does not bode well for you maintaining emotional freedom from him. You are holding onto the idea of him and your relationship. Try to put that into perspective. You're also, according to your other thread, going through a very difficult time emotionally. So "maybe" your feelings towards him are heightened because you're not feeling happy in general.

Just food for thought.

[ladyeatinggreens20]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I think there is an unwritten rule that the dumper needs to be the one who apologises and asks to have a talk about whether or not the two of you could try again.   And if the alternative is removing him from your life so that you can move on, what have you got to lose?  Even if it doesn’t work, you will at least know where you stand and I promise your dignity will recover. 

All that said, I’m still curious about the differences and whether or not they’d still turn you off

More directly, the differences:

1-his family dynamic was very chaotic. While he love the fact that I was overall very peaceful, he seemed to do dumb stuff sometimes to cause chaos and to get a response from me. He’s said the last part verbatim before.

2-he didn’t handle stress well. Lashed out to the people around him. Then I started seeing it with me especially if he felt socially threatened by another male with regards to me/us.

3-napoleon complex. 

[ladyeatinggreens20]

11 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I did when I was younger. I no longer wanted to be in a relationship with my boyfriend and I broke up with him. I decided a few months later that I wanted to try things again with the boyfriend. In hindsight, that was 100% selfish and I should never have done that to him.

Your history together is undoubtedly intricate and has many layers. One of the primary factors contributing to the issues in your relationship was the fundamental differences between the two of you. Notably, he seemed to be more vocal about wanting to maintain the relationship compared to your stance.

Do you genuinely miss him as an individual, or if it's the idea of him or being in a relationship that you're yearning for? We often tend to idealize our ex-partners and overlook the reasons behind the relationship's challenges. Trying to reignite a relationship might not be advisable if you find yourselves in the same circumstances as when you parted ways. Personal growth and changing circumstances do happen, but they typically require time. Often, by the time these changes occur, both parties have already moved on.

You broke up a 1.5 years ago, and you're in constant communication over that time. That does not sound like a break up. It sounds like a hiatus. How can you move on if you are still in contact with him and still have feelings for him?

That does not bode well for you maintaining emotional freedom from him. You are holding onto the idea of him and your relationship. Try to put that into perspective. You're also, according to your other thread, going through a very difficult time emotionally. So "maybe" your feelings towards him are heightened because you're not feeling happy in general.

Just food for thought.

Yep, yes and yes. I think you’re spot on with everything. Even me being selfish. I know my other thread with personal issues is causing me to want a “distraction”. I hate that being a real thing but perhaps that’s what this is about right now. 
 

He was a great guy in several regards , he is “familiar” and we really do enjoy each other’s company. He went out of his way to participate in many of my interests and hobbies. And vice versa for me.

Otherwise, I don’t want to waste anyone’s time and I don’t want to waste mine. It’s just hard to totally stop communicating him.

 

 

[Alpacalia]

Just now, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

Yep, yes and yes. I think you’re spot on with everything. Even me being selfish. I know my other thread with personal issues is causing me to want a “distraction”. I hate that being a real thing but perhaps that’s what this is about right now. 
 

He was a great guy in several regards , he is “familiar” and we really do enjoy each other’s company. He went out of his way to participate in many of my interests and hobbies. And vice versa for me.

Otherwise, I don’t want to waste anyone’s time and I don’t want to waste mine. It’s just hard to totally stop communicating him.

 

 

Well, actually, just catching up to your last reply, it does not paint a positive picture of this guy.

You've implied that he constantly created chaos for you. If he told you he derived pleasure from it - that no matter the effort put into creating a peaceful environment -he would continue doing it anyway and only justified it as saying it's out of opposition to your preferred emotional atmosphere, that may form a toxic context to place a relationship attitude-wise. 

My guess is in your case you may have reasonably wished for a more natural blending of peaceful and pleasurable chaos than the imbalance being too extreme. He constantly does dumb things so that both of you can stay upset and fighting. The team of people you know and who love you if they also knew him "it would be a game changer."

Is this in your heart of hearts what you want to go back to?

Obviously, it is true that anybody can change. Maybe he can and he will surprise everybody by ever so beneficially transmuting old into new. But you've mentioned you're still kind of arguing and going thru the same cycle, so continuing seems risky.

[glows]

If I’m understanding correctly he doesn’t handle stress well, lashes out at you, has poor dynamics with family(don’t we all with at least someone) but it also sounds like he may have a poor handle on boundaries as well.

When someone shows you they have abused your trust or they mistreat you, you do not dive back in and seek more of that poor dynamic. The better thing to do is step back and rethink the relationship. I’m responding here to his poor dynamic with family. At some point there’s very little excuse for this. We make mistakes letting some people in and then we reevaluate. Not keep making the same mistake over and over.

Then there is the napoleon complex in your words. It’s not possible to help someone with their deep insecurities. He has to work through that and overcome his own issues with himself. He becomes a very poor partner overall and unpleasant to deal with on a regular basis if he doesn’t have a good handle on his relationships, relationship boundaries and if he is unhappy with himself. 

Eventually you’ll grow out of this connection but be willing to develop better boundaries yourself and just say no to being a constant support for his losses and struggles. Be less available if you’re not interested in anything romantic with him. No need to be rude but just less available and keep your answers brief.

It’s okay to miss someone also. As long as you have a clear idea they are Not the one for you, you carry on business as usual. Meet new people and do all the other things you want to do with your life. Don’t get frustrated over this and beat yourself up for missing someone you once loved etc.

Edited November 9, 2023 by glows

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

He was a great guy in several regards , he is “familiar” and we really do enjoy each other’s company. 

This seems to be the case. He's comfortable like those old familiar slippers. However there seems to be too much conflict to consider reconciliation. So maybe this situationship works for now until you're ready to move on. Is this the same man?

 

[ladyeatinggreens20]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Well, actually, just catching up to your last reply, it does not paint a positive picture of this guy.

You've implied that he constantly created chaos for you. If he told you he derived pleasure from it - that no matter the effort put into creating a peaceful environment -he would continue doing it anyway and only justified it as saying it's out of opposition to your preferred emotional atmosphere, that may form a toxic context to place a relationship attitude-wise. 

My guess is in your case you may have reasonably wished for a more natural blending of peaceful and pleasurable chaos than the imbalance being too extreme. He constantly does dumb things so that both of you can stay upset and fighting. The team of people you know and who love you if they also knew him "it would be a game changer."

Is this in your heart of hearts what you want to go back to?

Obviously, it is true that anybody can change. Maybe he can and he will surprise everybody by ever so beneficially transmuting old into new. But you've mentioned you're still kind of arguing and going thru the same cycle, so continuing seems risky.

Thanks. 
Just to clarify, we’re not going through any arguing or chaos now. We don’t communicate enough to have anything to argue about really.

The dumb stuff that I was speaking about was stuff like him telling me he intentionally didn’t call me all day one day in order to “make” me call or check on him. He always wanted me to call more and got anxious when he couldn’t reach me. While we were together and after we broke up. Not saying those issues aren’t real issues, I just wanted to clarify a bit.

His family had lots of discord amongst themselves. It got draining for me just being around or hearing about it sometimes. Even now I’m thankful I felt the unease to prompt me to roll out. 
 

Just typing this stuff is reminding me of how I felt. Smh.

[ladyeatinggreens20]

40 minutes ago, glows said:

If I’m understanding correctly he doesn’t handle stress well, lashes out at you, has poor dynamics with family(don’t we all with at least someone) but it also sounds like he may have a poor handle on boundaries as well.

When someone shows you they have abused your trust or they mistreat you, you do not dive back in and seek more of that poor dynamic. The better thing to do is step back and rethink the relationship. I’m responding here to his poor dynamic with family. At some point there’s very little excuse for this. We make mistakes letting some people in and then we reevaluate. Not keep making the same mistake over and over.

Then there is the napoleon complex in your words. It’s not possible to help someone with their deep insecurities. He has to work through that and overcome his own issues with himself. He becomes a very poor partner overall and unpleasant to deal with on a regular basis if he doesn’t have a good handle on his relationships, relationship boundaries and if he is unhappy with himself. 

Eventually you’ll grow out of this connection but be willing to develop better boundaries yourself and just say no to being a constant support for his losses and struggles. Be less available if you’re not interested in anything romantic with him. No need to be rude but just less available and keep your answers brief.

It’s okay to miss someone also. As long as you have a clear idea they are Not the one for you, you carry on business as usual. Meet new people and do all the other things you want to do with your life. Don’t get frustrated over this and beat yourself up for missing someone you once loved etc.

 

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This seems to be the case. He's comfortable like those old familiar slippers. However there seems to be too much conflict to consider reconciliation. So maybe this situationship works for now until you're ready to move on. Is this the same man?

 

Yes . Same guy.

[glows]

Not sure why I was quoted in the previous post as my comment had nothing to do with the question of the other poster. Hopefully you both give one another space to process the break up and move on.

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

Thanks. 
Just to clarify, we’re not going through any arguing or chaos now. We don’t communicate enough to have anything to argue about really.

The dumb stuff that I was speaking about was stuff like him telling me he intentionally didn’t call me all day one day in order to “make” me call or check on him. He always wanted me to call more and got anxious when he couldn’t reach me. While we were together and after we broke up. Not saying those issues aren’t real issues, I just wanted to clarify a bit.

His family had lots of discord amongst themselves. It got draining for me just being around or hearing about it sometimes. Even now I’m thankful I felt the unease to prompt me to roll out. 
 

Just typing this stuff is reminding me of how I felt. Smh.

I'm glad to hear that the situation has calmed down and that you're not going through any arguing or chaos now. You've made a good decision for yourself by distancing yourself from him and the negative environment they were a part of. Keep reminding yourself of the reasons why you left.

[Acacia98]

OP, you have an amazing talent for making stuff sound more benign than it actually is...🙂

Initially, I was seriously under the impression that it was something neutral that led to the end of your relationship, but it honestly sounds like it was a pretty unhealthy situation and may have even bordered on emotional abuse.

Anyway, I think you need to shut the door completely on this one. You can't move on if you stay in touch with this guy. He can't move on either. It's time for you both to allow each other to truly be single.

[ladyeatinggreens20]

20 hours ago, glows said:

Not sure why I was quoted in the previous post as my comment had nothing to do with the question of the other poster. 

Yeah, that’s a technical glitch. Sorry about that.