Dating Girl Recently Out of 3 Year Abusive Relationship

[Bern216]

So to start off I met this girl at her job. She works at one of my accounts that I have to call on often. I noticed her 7 months ago and was completely blown away I knew I had to talk to her. I first spoke with her a couple months ago but it was nothing more than a few sentences. I told myself next time I saw her I would ask to see if she would like to hangout sometime which fast forward to a month ago I did. We had an instant connection and she said I noticed you for months and have been waiting for you to say something. Unfortunately though she had a boyfriend and she said she would still love to take my number to text as friends. Which we did for about a week before she disappeared. I was disappointed but knew that she was in a relationship so it was understandable.

Two weeks ago she reached out to me, to tell me her and her boyfriend had broken up so just wanted to reach out to see how I was doing. Talks escalated to making future dates, how she was looking to build a family with somebody and just wanted to find her best friend. We made plans for our first date this past Monday which was absolutely incredible. I picked her up from her house for a nice sushi dinner then afterwards she wanted to watch a movie at my place. We cuddled, made out, among other things lol but no sex. She said she didn't want to do that on a first date but I have never been a fan of doing that either. What I enjoyed most was the deep conversations we had. Unfortunately I found out her ex was both physically and mentally abusive, drug dealer, and has three kids from a different woman. She said she always had to walk on eggshells around him. While she laid wrapped in my arms she said I feel so at peace and relaxed with you. This is what I have been looking for. After an incredible five hours I took her home because she had work in the morning. We kissed in the truck before she got out. She texted me later thanking me for an incredible time.

The next morning she texted me telling me how tired she was and that she wished she was curled in bed with me. So I offered to bring her coffee since I knew she didn't have time. She said absolutely Id love to see you. So brought it up to her she came out kissed me then later texted me you're the absolute best this completely made my day. Then her texts started to get sparse as the day went on. Eventually at around 3 she said sorry I haven't been responding its been a day. I replied with no worries is everything okay? I have not heard anything since then. So its been about 2 days of radio silence. 

I just wanted to write my thoughts down, maybe I am overthinking, maybe she just has a lot going on considering she just got out of a relationship, thinking maybe give her space, idk any insight would greatly appreciated. Thanks to all those that do read. 

[Gaeta]

Do not date women just out of a relationship. I thought everyone knew that. She has too much to figure out, she may go back to her ex (many women, if not most, go back to an abusive ex 1-2-3-4-5 times before leaving definitely). She will need time alone, and lots of casual dating. The guy that wins over the girl is never the guy with the shoulder she cried on. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Bern216 said:

 maybe she just has a lot going on considering she just got out of a relationship, thinking maybe give her space.

Trust your instincts. She's definitely on the rebound or perhaps on/off and still talking to the ex BF. All you can do is pace yourself.

Her BF sounds like trouble, so let her be the one who reaches out. Keep in mind many people in abusive relationships go back to the abuser because of trauma  bonds. 

How old is she? Does she live alone? 

[Bern216]

Gaeta - Yeah you're right I usually try to avoid talking to women fresh out of a relationship because I know most likely the ex is still in the picture. 

Wiseman2 - She moved back in with the parents after the breakup due to her living with him. She is 24 and I am 35. 

I do plan on letting her come to me because I know most likely she has a lot to sort out. Especially coming out of an abusive/toxic situation.

[smackie9]

She needs a year or two to decompress from the abuse. The brain needs to heal. Getting into another relationship prevents that. 

[MsJayne]

It's possible she's dealing with her ex harassing her and doesn't want to drag you into it. If she broke up with him two weeks ago that would be the average amount of time between the break and him starting to stalk her and go through the, "I'll never do it again" crap. If you like her this much I'd send her a text just asking if everything's OK and does she want to see you again. Many women experience PTSD after being in her situation, and part of it may involve her feeling that she's not good enough for you, so be prepared for that, but don't give up on her. If she doesn't break up with the wife-basher this time she will soon.

[Alpacalia]

Be careful, she went from willing dating a 3x baby daddy drug dealer to seeing you. Falling for such a man has impulsive, reckless written all over it. You’re the (hopefully) opposite safe choice. Give her a sample of yourself, in a good way, and I hope things work out.

[Lotsgoingon]

Don't be naive. You're focusing on how bad the guy was. You need to focus on how tolerant and attracted to this bad guy she was!

Often a person like this woman actually has a strong attraction to guys who are abusive (not saying she wants to be abused, more that she loves the energy and attitude or people who abuse). 

Avoid the rescuer position. You got a high from her telling you that you were so good to her. No, you just want her to say that with no implied comparison anyone.

So what happened to her? Well the first thing is the Mr. Bad Ex called her and guess what, she went running back to "talk to him." Or she's just emotionally chaotic right now, and she's out doing who knows what.

This is not a good woman to date right now. BTW: typically if people have abuse histories, that can come out later. If the abuse thing comes out on first date, then the abuse is fresh and her tie to the abuser is still fresh.

Drop all this infatuation. 

 

[Ami1uwant]

6 hours ago, Bern216 said:

Gaeta - Yeah you're right I usually try to avoid talking to women fresh out of a relationship because I know most likely the ex is still in the picture. 

Wiseman2 - She moved back in with the parents after the breakup due to her living with him. She is 24 and I am 35. 

I do plan on letting her come to me because I know most likely she has a lot to sort out. Especially coming out of an abusive/toxic situation.

Just be friends.explain to her you are interested but you think it’s too soon because she just got out of this other relationship and doesn’t want to be her rebound.

[ShyViolet]

If you're hoping for a real relationship with long term potential, this is probably not it.  She just got out of a 3-year relationship two weeks ago.  She is not in the head space to start up another relationship.  You were most likely just a rebound fling for her.

[glows]

I didn’t see when exactly she broke up with her ex. You mentioned they lived together so there may be loose ends, picking up her mail and you don’t how entangled their finances might have been. Does she owe him money? Does he owe her any money? If he’s a drug dealer is he also her drug dealer? She may have an addiction or still tied to him. Is she also taking part in some of the business or dealing? Although none of the above may be the case wouldn’t you wonder? And why couldn’t she have found a place of her own if she’s full time or gainfully employed? Why do her parents need to come to her aid? It doesn’t make sense. It may be much more and yet just her emotionally unavailable. 

Either way, I’m sorry this happened. You likely will hear from her again as you work for the same employer but I’d be cautious and nothing short of professional/neutral.

Edited November 11, 2023 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to be realistic with yourself that this probably won't go anywhere. 

She is way too fresh out of a relationship, and a toxic one at that. Sure, you felt good for her in the moment but that doesn't count for a lot in the grand scheme of things. It will be a long while before she actually ready to date again. 

Consider also what sort of choices she makes. The abuse was not her fault, to be perfectly clear. But she chose to start and stay in a relationship with a walking red flag. What does that tell you about her own judgement and decision-making skills? 

[Bern216]

I appreciate all the responses and insight. I did text her Thursday just stating I hope everything is okay and to let me know when she would like to go out again. Haven't heard from her since Tuesday so it's looking like a ghosting situation. I should've known better than to try to get involved with somebody so fresh out of a relationship. This one does sting because the ghosting was so abrupt and I feel like an idiot. Time to move forward and focus on me.