How do you evaluate for romantic attraction?

[WorldTraveler]

Maybe this is somewhat easy for some, but for some reason I feel like even though I'm very in tune to my own emotions I sometimes struggle to determine if there is any romantic connection or chemistry with potential dates. For example, with the last woman I dated, I was immediately hooked on her beauty and physical features. And as a result of the infatuation and/or lust I was experiencing, I completely ignored many red flags that would have saved me months of headache, if I didn't simply gloss over them. We did have a lot in common and we were both on the same page when it came to all the big questions when considering a future together. I specifically remember after the first handful of dates being so sure that there was potential of something long term and wanted to do everything I could to make that a possibility. It's almost like I was hyper-focused on her physical attributes and was willing to overlook some of her bigger internal problems in regards to her being emotionally unavailable, hoping these issues would just iron themselves out as time went on. In retrospect I acknowledge that looks simply aren't everything and there was a lot outside of that category that was lacking which made her a low quality prospect unfortunately. 

Fast forward to now, where I have been dating a new woman for the past month. She's cute, fun, funny, sweet and seems like she's a lot more emotionally present than the last woman I dated which makes the overall connection so much easier and fluid. But after a month of dating, I find myself feeling unsure of if I see any future here. Unsure if I feel any romantic connection with this new woman. Even though there's been plenty of physical intimacy, there hasn't been much emotional intimacy. We've had 4 or 5 dates and all of them have been nothing more than coming over and having sex. Our first date we actually went out and grabbed dinner and drinks, while talking about our relationship history, our careers, etc. But I just find it odd how with the last woman, I was so sure so soon. Even though there was zero physical intimacy and minimal emotional intimacy. But now with this new woman I'm getting all of the things that I didn't in the last relationship and I find myself unsure after a month if there's any potential present. I feel like I shouldn't have to go as far as evaluating my feelings with a pros/cons list, but sometimes I feel like I struggle to discover if I truly like the person or if I just enjoy the company and the things that come with it. However, after being strung along, I know how horrible it feels and would never want to do that to another person. Which is why I want to make sure I date with intent and nothing more. I'm just curious how others go about determining if there's a romantic connection or not, as I don't want to waste anyone's time. Thank you. 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said:

 We've had 4 or 5 dates and all of them have been nothing more than coming over and having sex. 

Are you both on the same page as far as just wanting hookups? You don't seem to want to date her. She's willing to have no-strings sex, if that's what you're looking for.

However if you would like to get to know her as a person or date/have a relationship you could always plan things that are fun and interesting rather than just hooking up. 

[basil67]

55 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said:

We've had 4 or 5 dates and all of them have been nothing more than coming over and having sex. Our first date we actually went out and grabbed dinner and drinks, while talking about our relationship history, our careers, etc. 

So you've really only had one date and about 4 hookups.   Sounds like it's either just a hookup situation or a terrible lack of planning.   Though I'm tending towards hookup because if it was to be more, surely one of you would have suggested doing something nice when you meet up.

How did it come about that you're not spending more time out doing nice things?

[WorldTraveler]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

So you've really only had one date and about 4 hookups.   Sounds like it's either just a hookup situation or a terrible lack of planning.   Though I'm tending towards hookup because if it was to be more, surely one of you would have suggested doing something nice when you meet up.

How did it come about that you're not spending more time out doing nice things?

Yeah I mean we haven’t really had any discussions of what we’re looking for, even though I am looking for a relationship. The second date we tried to plan something but then she was the one who suggested coming over. So I ended up cooking dinner and we watched a movie together which led to sex. Last week I tried planning a date but she was out drinking with her friends and I ended up joining them and meeting all her friends. This led to her coming over and having sex at the end of the night. And then last night again I just came over with some wine and we watched a movie and more sex. She doesn’t seem bothered by this and currently neither am I. I’m just not sure if I see it going farther than this or if I feel a romantic connection that would push me to consider seeking out a relationship as things progress. 

Edited November 12, 2023 by WorldTraveler

[WorldTraveler]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

So you've really only had one date and about 4 hookups.   Sounds like it's either just a hookup situation or a terrible lack of planning.   Though I'm tending towards hookup because if it was to be more, surely one of you would have suggested doing something nice when you meet up.

How did it come about that you're not spending more time out doing nice things?

The second date led to sex which was definitely sooner than usual for me. And she even said she normally doesn’t have sex that soon. But since then, that’s kinda been the general theme.

[basil67]

Meh, sounds like this isn't going to progress past hookups.   Why are you comfortable not doing nice things with someone you're dating?

[glows]

I think you answered your question in your first post. Romantic attraction is a mixture of both emotional and physical intimacy. You require more emotional intimacy to feel romantically attracted to your partner and I don’t think that’s uncommon at all. 

 

[FMW]

I agree with glows, you answered your own question.  

In the first situation, high physical attraction/Lust made you ignore other relationship aspects for a while and just enjoy the infatuation.

In the current situation, there is no strong attraction but she's cute, pleasant company, and convenient sex.

I don't think you have a problem, you have just been willing to go with the flow.  If you are serious about finding a relationship and don't want to just casually date, focus on the whole package and don't continue seeing someone after a few dates if you're not feeling it.

[d0nnivain]

I needed the sexual attraction to move further toward a relationship.  For me, the attraction never developed over time.  If there wasn't instant chemistry it never grew over time.  

Once that attraction existed I would start dating someone, if I saw major red flags I focused on those to determine if the person could / would change.  At that point the attraction no longer matter.  Another attractive person would come along shortly.  You have to have shared values & goals, along with trust & general compatibility.  Superficial looks aren't the long term guarantee.  The emotional connection has to be there because that is the foundation for healthy long term love.  

[Weezy1973]

And also note you can have physical attraction and emotional attraction, and that still doesn’t guarantee any kind of relationship compatibility. 
 

For the current woman I doubt your feelings will grow beyond what they are now, so if you’re looking for a relationship, probably best to keep looking. 

[mark clemson]

Could it be that you are "drawn to the drama"? It's actually not uncommon and may be a result of your dating history or some other aspect of you psychology.

Every couple has an ultimately unique chemistry. It is unfortunate in a way, but sometimes the ones who are well-adjusted may simply not present enough of a "challenge" to keep things interesting. If you are like this, one approach might be therapy; another could be simply looking for someone with the "right level" of sexiness with drama. Enough to keep things interesting without being so much that is drives you away or otherwise causes problems.

While it's obviously intended as humor, I think there is a grain (only a grain) of truth to the whole crazy-hot matrix thing, at least for some men.

Edited November 12, 2023 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, WorldTraveler said:

came over with some wine and we watched a movie and more sex. She doesn’t seem bothered by this and currently neither am I. I’m just not sure if I see it going farther than this.

Well there's definitely a mutual sexual attraction and mutual needs being met. As far as trying to grow this into a relationship, perhaps only time will tell. Do you know what she's looking for? 

[smackie9]

Here's an idea...stop flopping into bed right off the bat and give it a month of just getting to know one another. Yes I get it sex is important, but it's not really any good if you haven't invested in an emotional connection. If you ain't really feeling anything by now, and she really has no interest in "discussions" over a bottle of wine, or a nice dinner, then kick her to the curb. Keep looking. You will know it it when the right person comes along. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Yeah dude, stop going along with someone else's agenda. You want to go out, go the heck out. Just because a woman suggests something doesn't mean you should do it. 

And no need to be needy about sex. Without some real connection with this woman, you guys will bore of the sex shortly and one or both of you will be pulling away. 

So one tip on finding romance: quit being so passive! Go out--because you want to know the person. You said you were looking for a relationship, then act like it!

[Alpacalia]

You don't evaluate it, your body does.

[FredEire]

On 11/11/2023 at 11:38 PM, WorldTraveler said:

Maybe this is somewhat easy for some, but for some reason I feel like even though I'm very in tune to my own emotions I sometimes struggle to determine if there is any romantic connection or chemistry with potential dates. For example, with the last woman I dated, I was immediately hooked on her beauty and physical features. And as a result of the infatuation and/or lust I was experiencing, I completely ignored many red flags that would have saved me months of headache, if I didn't simply gloss over them. We did have a lot in common and we were both on the same page when it came to all the big questions when considering a future together. I specifically remember after the first handful of dates being so sure that there was potential of something long term and wanted to do everything I could to make that a possibility. It's almost like I was hyper-focused on her physical attributes and was willing to overlook some of her bigger internal problems in regards to her being emotionally unavailable, hoping these issues would just iron themselves out as time went on. In retrospect I acknowledge that looks simply aren't everything and there was a lot outside of that category that was lacking which made her a low quality prospect unfortunately. 

Fast forward to now, where I have been dating a new woman for the past month. She's cute, fun, funny, sweet and seems like she's a lot more emotionally present than the last woman I dated which makes the overall connection so much easier and fluid. But after a month of dating, I find myself feeling unsure of if I see any future here. Unsure if I feel any romantic connection with this new woman. Even though there's been plenty of physical intimacy, there hasn't been much emotional intimacy. We've had 4 or 5 dates and all of them have been nothing more than coming over and having sex. Our first date we actually went out and grabbed dinner and drinks, while talking about our relationship history, our careers, etc. But I just find it odd how with the last woman, I was so sure so soon. Even though there was zero physical intimacy and minimal emotional intimacy. But now with this new woman I'm getting all of the things that I didn't in the last relationship and I find myself unsure after a month if there's any potential present. I feel like I shouldn't have to go as far as evaluating my feelings with a pros/cons list, but sometimes I feel like I struggle to discover if I truly like the person or if I just enjoy the company and the things that come with it. However, after being strung along, I know how horrible it feels and would never want to do that to another person. Which is why I want to make sure I date with intent and nothing more. I'm just curious how others go about determining if there's a romantic connection or not, as I don't want to waste anyone's time. Thank you. 

I know exactly how you feel. I posted a thread recently about a very bad date I had with someone I fell for way too quickly without really knowing how suitable she was at all.

And I've had the same thing on many occasions, meeting someone physically attractive, sweet, willing to go out of their way to spend time with me, ticking all the boxes in theory to give a relationship a chance... but not getting that initial wow moment and ending up with so many doubts that you just have to let them down gently so as not to lead them on any more.

It may be a case of being attracted to some kind of coldness or emotional unavailability as you said, some kind of security in the fact that real emotional intimacy isn't something that's possible in the relationship, but the thought of chasing after it or "fixing" it is what makes her so attractive to you vs other girls. It's worth thinking about.

Edited November 17, 2023 by FredEire