Date seems keen but wanted to split the check?

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

Thank you so much for your further replies, which contain some very useful points of thought.

To address what a couple of members are speculating, to be clear at no point did I make the man feel I have any less respect for him owing to his job title. In fact, it was the opposite. I would praise him for dropping out of college to pursue his passion which was motors, rather than forcing himself to study something that he didn’t like unlike what some folk do.

It is just in the safe space of LS on here that I voiced my personal concerns about our differing jobs and lifestyles. To this day the guy has no idea I was feeling uncomfortable about any of this. And in his breakup message he was really praising of me and said I’m “wonderful and lovely to be around”. 

But I fully understand why he all thought it got too much. For one, he was being very patient with my slow replies when he would text me during work. He would excitedly ask me every day if I was doing anything exciting that evening, when in reality my evenings during the week are for relaxation at home after a long day of working many hours. At one point he did even say to me, “tell me if my messages get too frequent and annoying lol!” To which I responded that it’s always lovely to hear from him and that I can’t always have my phone on me so might need to give late replies sometimes. He sweetly said it’s ok, he’d leave me some nice messages for when I do get a moment to look at my phone. I really thought, finally I have met someone who understands my hectic life.

He really did seem to understand my busy lifestyle, and perhaps I took this for granted a little. Fact is that I’ve been single for a very long time and used to virtually being married to my job!

I know that we have differing backgrounds and circumstances and that the sensible thing would be to draw a line and walk away. It is just difficult because I felt so, so happy in his company, and hadn’t met a man so lovely and awesome in a very long time. It even makes me sad to go back onto the dating apps since I’m currently comparing the ‘usual’ men on there to him (not physically as such but in many other things), wishing that he was still here. I am feeling sad for the loss.

This guy really built up my hopes about this very special date that he cancelled on last minute; he even said that his dog was excited to meet me and sent me a photo of his dog’s ’excited face’ the day before!! I am still getting over the sudden 180, it was a big shock to the system.

Also, to mention again here that I did make it clear to the man that I’m not ready for a relationship yet and that I was just happy hanging out, which he’d try to counter with all his attempted convincing of me to take that leap, which kinda invalidates the ‘he didn’t want a relationship’ point.

I don’t have this guy‘s number on my phone anymore so can’t text him even if I wanted to! 

I hope to get over this temporary heartache soon 😓

Edited November 27, 2023 by babybrowns

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Also, to mention again here that I did make it clear to the man that I’m not ready for a relationship yet and that I was just happy hanging out, which he’d try to counter with all his attempted convincing of me to take that leap

You know how you said there were no hints of this coming?  This ^ was a massive clue (and I'm not taking guesses here because you've given us a direct quote).  He's ended this because he knew you didn't match his feelings and he had to protect him heart.

Are you not ready for a relationship with any man?   Or is it that you are ready for a relationship, but only after knowing the guy better?  Because if it's the latter, "I'm just happy hanging out" sends the wrong message - and a relationship minded man will go running in the opposite direction.   I suspect you need to work on finding better words to communicate

 

Edited November 27, 2023 by basil67

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I’m not ready for a relationship yet and that I was just happy hanging out

So why were you so uptight about him not picking the bill at the restaurant?! 

You don't want a relationship but you want a man to court you like you're on the market for marriage?

If you 'hang out' then you pay your own bill.

For 5 pages l was under the impression you were looking for a serious dater.

[glows]

I’m also very confused. He may have ended it due to the slow responses plus you mentioning you’re not ready for a relationship. Did you say that as a kind of defence mechanism so as not to get hurt? Or was it like a sh-t test (reverse psychology) to see how much he’s into you by making him be the one to convince you he’s relationship material?

[basil67]

On 11/25/2023 at 5:00 PM, babybrowns said:

I think it’s best that I asked him to never contact me again since I’d rather not be misled like that again. I was keeping my cards close to my chest, but this romancing from him being sustained for almost a month, increasing by the day, did lead me to eventually start to lower my guard a little and willing to open my arms to him. So that sudden turnaround was extreme and unexpected.

Why did you say all of this if you were only looking to hang out?  My guess is that it was a defensive response to some of us telling you that the "don't call me" comment to him was rude and unnecessary.   

There is so much contradiction in your posts that it's hard to tell what's real and what's not.  If it's this confusing to us, what must it be like in your own brain...or to those who are emotionally involved with you?   Kindly, when's the last time you had therapy?  Given the trainwrecks you keep finding yourself in...and contributing to.... I think you really need to sort out what you want and then make sure your goals, words and actions are aligned

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

It seems as though there is some confusion so I’m going to clarify-

It was after the second date that I had thoughts about not wanting a relationship with this man. Largely due to the ‘ex’ issue which I found out a lot about on the second date, as well as the niggly disappointment that he didn’t treat me to the dinner even though he had invited me to his favourite restaurant for that second date. Obviously the first issue is more significant than the second, but they are both significant to me. And that is speaking as someone who wouldn’t bat an eyelid to a man wanting to go Dutch on an early date in the past; I’ve learned the hard way to be cautious with this.

I voiced only the first of my 2 concerns to the man ofcourse, the ‘ex’ issue, which got him started on a campaign to convince me that he is very keen on a relationship with me. Needless to say, after just 2 dates I don’t think anyone would have rushed in, however I kept assuring him that I’m really enjoying the time together but I can’t commit to a relationship just yet. I was frank with him, so wasn’t hiding anything from my end.

On the 3rd date, things did progress well, we had a real blast. Upon coming home I really felt as though I was beginning to like him a lot. The fourth date was scheduled to be a week after that 3rd date. He wanted to meet earlier, expressing deep excitement, but I couldn’t, so instead the excitement sustained via message, he was putting a lot of thought and effort into planning this date.

For all of that to suddenly be brought to a halt at the last minute would be a surprise to anyone. There was no (visible) buildup to him wanting to make an exit. There was a large imbalance on the speed we were both able to text each other/ to some extent the length of the messages because I have a very heavy week at work. The sad thing is that now, things are a bit lighter at work until the new year. It would have been lovely to see more of the Xmas season with him.

I do wish that we could have spoken more before bringing things to a close. He really was being very patient with my busy weeks. I wish I could have thanked him too. I don’t have his number so the option isn’t there  If I can find a way to contact him I’d like to

Edited November 28, 2023 by babybrowns

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I don’t have his number so the option isn’t there  If I can find a way to contact him I’d like to

Try to put it behind you. If he hasn't contacted you, he's not interested.

Please try not to fall into the "I only want what I can't have and only appreciate things after they're gone" trap.

Try not to regret your decision to end things considering he's just looking for a warm body and a shoulder to cry on. 

[basil67]

22 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

On the 3rd date, things did progress well, we had a real blast. Upon coming home I really felt as though I was beginning to like him a lot. The fourth date was scheduled to be a week after that 3rd date. He wanted to meet earlier, expressing deep excitement, but I couldn’t, so instead the excitement sustained via message, he was putting a lot of thought and effort into planning this date.

For all of that to suddenly be brought to a halt at the last minute would be a surprise to anyone. There was no (visible) buildup to him wanting to make an exit. There was a large imbalance on the speed we were both able to text each other/ to some extent the length of the messages because I have a very heavy week at work. The sad thing is that now, things are a bit lighter at work until the new year. It would have been lovely to see more of the Xmas season with him.

I do wish that we could have spoken more before bringing things to a close. He really was being very patient with my busy weeks. I wish I could have thanked him too. I don’t have his number so the option isn’t there  If I can find a way to contact him I’d like to

You seem to have forgotten that you told him that "hanging out" was what you wanted.  Why all this angst about him giving you the flick if you didn't want a relationship anyway?

 

[introverted1]

41 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

It seems as though there is some confusion so I’m going to clarify-

There certainly is.

Your version of events seems to change based on your mood, your reading of the room, your perception of how "into you" a man is, and a whole host of other factors. Even in the last 2 days, you've gone from telling this man never to contact you again to wishing you had a way to contact him.  Similarly, you've toggled between wanting a relationship because he "ticks all your boxes" to seeing major problems to only wanting to "just hang out."

You don't owe us anything, but you certainly won't get good advice when your retelling of events and your own responses and actions changes so dramatically.  But I do hope you are at least being honest with yourself and the men you date. You certainly won't find the relationship you are looking for by creating tests, playing games, guarding your feelings, and otherwise flashing hot and cold.  

I think I've said this before, but it bears repeating: be the partner you would want to date. 

[glows]

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Hello all,

It seems as though there is some confusion so I’m going to clarify-

It was after the second date that I had thoughts about not wanting a relationship with this man. Largely due to the ‘ex’ issue which I found out a lot about on the second date, as well as the niggly disappointment that he didn’t treat me to the dinner even though he had invited me to his favourite restaurant for that second date. Obviously the first issue is more significant than the second, but they are both significant to me. And that is speaking as someone who wouldn’t bat an eyelid to a man wanting to go Dutch on an early date in the past; I’ve learned the hard way to be cautious with this.

I voiced only the first of my 2 concerns to the man ofcourse, the ‘ex’ issue, which got him started on a campaign to convince me that he is very keen on a relationship with me. Needless to say, after just 2 dates I don’t think anyone would have rushed in, however I kept assuring him that I’m really enjoying the time together but I can’t commit to a relationship just yet. I was frank with him, so wasn’t hiding anything from my end.

On the 3rd date, things did progress well, we had a real blast. Upon coming home I really felt as though I was beginning to like him a lot. The fourth date was scheduled to be a week after that 3rd date. He wanted to meet earlier, expressing deep excitement, but I couldn’t, so instead the excitement sustained via message, he was putting a lot of thought and effort into planning this date.

For all of that to suddenly be brought to a halt at the last minute would be a surprise to anyone. There was no (visible) buildup to him wanting to make an exit. There was a large imbalance on the speed we were both able to text each other/ to some extent the length of the messages because I have a very heavy week at work. The sad thing is that now, things are a bit lighter at work until the new year. It would have been lovely to see more of the Xmas season with him.

I do wish that we could have spoken more before bringing things to a close. He really was being very patient with my busy weeks. I wish I could have thanked him too. I don’t have his number so the option isn’t there  If I can find a way to contact him I’d like to

I think I’m puzzled why you’d tell this poor bloke your concerns after only 2 dates but yet continue seeing him. He probably saw your comment as a challenge, got defensive and huffed up accepting the challenge trying to convince you otherwise (that he’s relationship material and boyfriend girlfriend is in the stars) and then once the sting of your comment/concerns faded he realized this wasn’t worth all the hassle. In future mention you’d like to continue seeing that person and take time getting to know each other. Say something more generalized not mentioning someone’s ex or exposing that person.

Having said this your concerns certainly ARE valid as many have pointed out including you his recent break up with child is not to be taken lightly. And other incompatibilities. It’s so much kinder keeping those comments to yourself and waiting to see how things pan out. 

Edited November 29, 2023 by glows

[Alpacalia]

BB, I too realize that the concerns were valid him being four months out of a relationship. But how is that any DIFFERENT from you when you proclaim you're not open to a relationship at this stage of your life and just want to "hang out."

You're really not one that ought to throw stones.

[babybrowns]

17 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

BB, I too realize that the concerns were valid him being four months out of a relationship. But how is that any DIFFERENT from you when you proclaim you're not open to a relationship at this stage of your life and just want to "hang out."

You're really not one that ought to throw stones.

I don’t know what you mean by that last comment, but it sounds very judgemental.

My conversation with this man about what we are looking for was a very frank one expressing my feelings, the alternative would be to lead him on where I didn’t actually want a relationship. I don’t regret telling him the truth at all, and he stuck around, meaning no harm was done there at all.

It is easy to look back now and think about what could have been said differently etc, but none of that put him off- his interest in me only grew stronger by the day even after those heart to heart talks.

What repelled him in the end was the stark contrast in our lifestyles. As glows quite rightly said, it is likely that he is looking for an easy and communicative relationship to fill his time, and I couldn’t give him that.

I’m still feeling sad for the loss since he really did make me happy, he was a lot better than someone of the men I have encountered in the past few years. Could I have done anything differently to not repel him would be asking, could I have had a different lifestyle which would fit with his- if I did, he’d still be around. But I love my job and thus the only solution is to find a man who has a similar work-life balance. I’ll slowly get over losing such a gem 😭

Edited November 29, 2023 by babybrowns

[BaileyB]

22 hours ago, babybrowns said:

It seems as though there is some confusion

There is a lot of confusion because you have a tendency of saying one thing and meaning/doing another. 

[babybrowns]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

There is a lot of confusion because you have a tendency of saying one thing and meaning/doing another. 

If you’re referring to the fact that I realise I feel more for him than I thought I did, especially when I had that ‘not a relationship’ conversation with him, that’s not trying to be shady- it is my feelings propping up slower than my mouth moving 🫠 

[Lisa]

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