Date seems keen but wanted to split the check?

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

 Said we have different lifestyles which might not match and wished me well.

Sorry this happened. However it does seem like you dodged a bullet. He seems to be on a rebound rollercoaster and just looking for a warm body and shoulder to cry on. Coming on too strong was all part of that. 

[Gaeta]

At least you did not waste too much time on this one. It's never a good idea to meet men/women recently out of relationship. 

On to next! 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

There was literally no sign of this coming.

Oh, there was a sign!  You made it clear that you were expecting to be paid for despite knowing he was of limited means.  He was probably fretting that he didn't have the money to pay for both of you on this date and realised that he had no choice but to walk away. 

Why the need to tell him to never contact you again?  Given he didn't do anything terrible to you, that was very rude.  It would have been far more polite to quietly block him on all platforms

Edited November 25, 2023 by basil67

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Why the need to tell him to never contact you again?  Given he didn't do anything terrible to you, that was very rude. 

Agree. It would have been much kinder to just wish him well or not say anything at all. You essentially confirmed for him that he made the right decision. 

[glows]

6 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Hello all,

Thank you all so much for your further replies. Sorry that I cannot log on here that frequently; my job is very busy with long hours sometimes. I’ve been on LS for 10 years for anyone here who is assuming that I’m just casually on here when I feel like it and then disappear for no reason.

This guy was increasing the intensity of his eagerness a lot, texting me multiple times a day, showering me with his keenness and expressing how he was counting down the days until he saw me next. Being a busy career woman I couldn’t always reply to his messages on the spot, sometimes not for hours due to not having my phone on me at work, to which he seemed very patient and said no problem, he understands my long hours. Even on the day of our next scheduled date itself, he expressed a lot of excitement that morning about seeing me that evening.

However, he did a complete 180 just 2 hours before our long-awaited date. Said we have different lifestyles which might not match and wished me well.

This was very much unexpected and didn’t match all the enthusiastic buildup he was enforcing.  There was literally no sign of this coming. I am glad that thanks to all of you for drawing my attention to the bigger red flags than the one I wrote about, I half expected it to not proceed. Despite all his ‘I wanna relationship with you’ garbage.

I’ve asked him to never contact me again! Will definitely help to look at the more appropriate and bigger red flags in future.

Cancelling 2 hours before a date is a bit rude and can see why you were frustrated. Why didn’t he cancel the day before or at least give more notice not on the same day? Unfortunately it’s the lesser of two evils .. the worse outcome would have been him going along with the date and then wasting time for both of you. I’m assuming he met someone else or was chatting with others while you were busy or not able to get to the phone all the time which is his prerogative. 

I agree with you about those red flags. The glaring one is he’s too soon out of a serious relationship. You’re also both mismatched on who pays and you want someone who treats you on dates not split the bill.

[babybrowns]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Cancelling 2 hours before a date is a bit rude and can see why you were frustrated. Why didn’t he cancel the day before or at least give more notice not on the same day? Unfortunately it’s the lesser of two evils .. the worse outcome would have been him going along with the date and then wasting time for both of you. I’m assuming he met someone else or was chatting with others while you were busy or not able to get to the phone all the time which is his prerogative. 

I agree with you about those red flags. The glaring one is he’s too soon out of a serious relationship. You’re also both mismatched on who pays and you want someone who treats you on dates not split the bill.

Hi glows,

Thanks, but on your point about phones, No it was the opposite- it was me who couldn’t answer texts and calls within a few hours due to the nature of my busy career. That and the unpredictable finishing time. For him with his much more relaxed job and more time to text me and think about me, it didn’t quite match. 

It plays to what I briefly expressed in my OP; our differences in job also make it difficult. I’m ambitious, went to university and have a career. For him, he pretty much rolled into his family’s business growing up where he works as a sales advisor and doesn’t do many hours. Also he had said that something he didn’t quite like about his ex was the fact that she was career driven. Wouldn’t work with me! I never let it be an issue though and never brought it up, just as I didn’t bring up the who pays for the check on early dates.

The sudden 180 that he did just before what would have been our 4th date though, was quite unexpected, came out of virtually nowhere.

The plan for this date was that he would cook for me. He spent days planning it, saying he was going to cook all my favourite foods, get his guitar out of the cupboard after ages and practise it so that he could play for me on the night, and that we could watch my favourite movie which he would get from Netflix. Hand-drew me a map of exactly how to get to his house and where to park my car since the block is a little confusing in its layout he said, and asked me to call him upon arriving so that he could come out and find me and walk me in.

All sounded very exciting and romantic, and each day he would express his excitement about seeing me and counting down the days. 

I responded with equal enthusiasm since I was genuinely looking forward to it too. But I wasn’t sure I was ready for sex so I did say that I couldn’t spend the night due to needing to be at a work event the next morning (which was true). This might also have played into his doubts about our different lifestyles/ about him not being able to get sex from me yet.

As recently as that same morning though, he expressed excitement to see me later that day, and asked me to let him know when I would be setting off to get there. I don’t think that makes it likely that he met someone?

I think it’s best that I asked him to never contact me again since I’d rather not be misled like that again. I was keeping my cards close to my chest, but this romancing from him being sustained for almost a month, increasing by the day, did lead me to eventually start to lower my guard a little and willing to open my arms to him. So that sudden turnaround was extreme and unexpected.

Thank you all for your inputs 🌸

Edited November 25, 2023 by babybrowns

[glows]

33 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Hi glows,

Thanks, but on your point about phones, No it was the opposite- it was me who couldn’t answer texts and calls within a few hours due to the nature of my busy career. That and the unpredictable finishing time. For him with his much more relaxed job and more time to text me and think about me, it didn’t quite match. 

It plays to what I briefly expressed in my OP; our differences in job also make it difficult. I’m ambitious, went to university and have a career. For him, he pretty much rolled into his family’s business growing up where he works as a sales advisor and doesn’t do many hours. Also he had said that something he didn’t quite like about his ex was the fact that she was career driven. Wouldn’t work with me! I never let it be an issue though and never brought it up, just as I didn’t bring up the who pays for the check on early dates.

The sudden 180 that he did just before what would have been our 4th date though, was quite unexpected, came out of virtually nowhere.

The plan for this date was that he would cook for me. He spent days planning it, saying he was going to cook all my favourite foods, get his guitar out of the cupboard after ages and practise it so that he could play for me on the night, and that we could watch my favourite movie which he would get from Netflix. Hand-drew me a map of exactly how to get to his house and where to park my car since the block is a little confusing in its layout he said, and asked me to call him upon arriving so that he could come out and find me and walk me in.

All sounded very exciting and romantic, and each day he would express his excitement about seeing me and counting down the days. 

I responded with equal enthusiasm since I was genuinely looking forward to it too. But I wasn’t sure I was ready for sex so I did say that I couldn’t spend the night due to needing to be at a work event the next morning (which was true). This might also have played into his doubts about our different lifestyles/ about him not being able to get sex from me yet.

As recently as that same morning though, he expressed excitement to see me later that day, and asked me to let him know when I would be setting off to get there. I don’t think that makes it likely that he met someone?

I think it’s best that I asked him to never contact me again since I’d rather not be misled like that again. I was keeping my cards close to my chest, but this romancing from him being sustained for almost a month, increasing by the day, did lead me to eventually start to lower my guard a little and willing to open my arms to him. So that sudden turnaround was extreme and unexpected.

Thank you all for your inputs 🌸

I didn’t mention anything about phones at all. In fact I was agreeing with you that it was jolting and unexpected that he made a big hoo ha and much ado over this date only to abruptly cancel just 2 hours before. 

No, I don’t think you both match well either. It became apparent to him as well and it’s better he ended it this before this date happened even if it was the day of. 

I think it’s safe to assume most people are still talking to or meeting others at only a handful of dates in. You weren’t dating exclusively. He might have gotten a much better feeling about someone else he was chatting with or had met and decided it is best not to continue dating you considering the incompatibilities. 

It’s great you’re keeping an open mind dating outside of your comfort zone but this was really pushing it with all the differences and different expectations you had from one another. I wholeheartedly agree with you that it’s best to step away once you see your lifestyles are not aligned.

Edited November 25, 2023 by glows

[babybrowns]

31 minutes ago, glows said:

I didn’t mention anything about phones at all. In fact I was agreeing with you that it was jolting and unexpected that he made a big hoo ha and much ado over this date only to abruptly cancel just 2 hours before. 

No, I don’t think you both match well either. It became apparent to him as well and it’s better he ended it this before this date happened even if it was the day of. 

I think it’s safe to assume most people are still talking to or meeting others at only a handful of dates in. You weren’t dating exclusively. He might have gotten a much better feeling about someone else he was chatting with or had met and decided it is best not to continue dating you considering the incompatibilities. 

It’s great you’re keeping an open mind dating outside of your comfort zone but this was really pushing it with all the differences and different expectations you had from one another. I wholeheartedly agree with you that it’s best to step away once you see your lifestyles are not aligned.

Thanks so much, and apologies I misread that part there in your last post.

It is ironic how the guy had asked me to delete the dating app from my phone after our second date, and wanted to dive right into a relationship. I’m glad that I stuck to my guns and didn’t indulge in his crazy requests, which he respected, but kept expressing hopes for.

He would spend almost every date trying to convince me to enter into a relationship with him, trying to reassure me that he was now apart from his ex and that he’s ‘very very very’ interested in me, etc. I would express enjoyment in being with him and continuing to see him but would gently stick to my guns about not entering into a relationship yet.

I’m just glad that I didn’t go too far with him to the point of emotional attachment! For that I’m not suffering that much from this, a little sad naturally after a month of a lovely friendship. But yes with all our incompatibilities it wouldn’t have worked. 

Edited November 25, 2023 by babybrowns

[glows]

11 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Thanks so much, and apologies I misread that part there in your last post.

It is ironic how the guy had asked me to delete the dating app from my phone after our second date, and wanted to dive right into a relationship. I’m glad that I stuck to my guns and didn’t indulge in his crazy requests, which he respected, but kept expressing hopes for.

He would spend almost every date trying to convince me to enter into a relationship with him, trying to reassure me that he was now apart from his ex and that he’s ‘very very very’ interested in me, etc. I would express enjoyment in being with him and continuing to see him but would gently stick to my guns about not entering into a relationship yet.

I’m just glad that I didn’t go too far with him to the point of emotional attachment! For that I’m not suffering that much from this, a little sad naturally after a month of a lovely friendship. But yes with all our incompatibilities it wouldn’t have worked. 

I re-read my earlier post and I’m sorry it was confusing. I did mention phones and it was in regards to overall mismatch of lifestyles/careers so in agreement with you. 

Im a little on the fence about relationship or not as some are not as well versed with dating stages. He came out of a long term relationship with a child and am assuming he isn’t very experienced with dating overall if he’s been committed to one woman for awhile. What he might have been looking for was to date you exclusively (so not seeing others, close the dating app etc). I don’t think this is too outlandish and by the 3rd or 4th date many couples do decide to do that but it really depends on the people involved. 

You seem to be a bit uncomfortable from the start and took some time to understand him, his career, his life, what he’s about because he’s so different from you. I think he’s looking for something else, something easier and less work. He wants a relationship that feels right , right away. And that’s fine too. You were willing to explore and take your time acknowledging those differences. You see how the approach even is different from both of you. 

Anyway onwards. It sucks right now but this also means you’re free to now date other guys who don’t have these red flags or incompatibilities. 

[Alpacalia]

Well, he was right about having different lifestyles. You're "ambitious, went to university and have a career. For him, he pretty much rolled into his family’s business growing up where he works as a sales advisor and doesn’t do many hours" and you've mentioned that quite a bit in this thread so not sure why that seems like such a surprise a tad later. I'm sorry things didn't work out and he acted flaky towards the end but I suspect he realized things weren't working for both of you and wanted to cut it off instead of dragging things out.

Edited November 25, 2023 by Alpacalia

[BrinnM]

I’m sorry it ended that way. That’s really rude to cancel on you 2 hours before the date. WTH! I wonder why he changed his mind last minute. It can only be because he knew he wouldn’t get any sex from you or he could’ve been multi dating all along. But still. Two hours before? Rude!

[stillafool]

20 hours ago, babybrowns said:

However, he did a complete 180 just 2 hours before our long-awaited date. Said we have different lifestyles which might not match and wished me well.

It sounds like he got a better offer and that is why he abruptly cancelled the date and any further contact.  I too think he was also love bombing other women and probably found one who was as interested in sex as he was, so he cancelled.  You dodged a bullet.

[basil67]

That his ex was also an ambitious career woman and it didn't work for him was another sign!

[babybrowns]

Thank you so much all for your further replies.

It is sad that this man suddenly vanished because I did like him quite a lot. I’ve dated around a fair bit in my life, but this man was all-round perfect and really would make me very happy. I especially love how caring he was.

I am wondering whether I did the right thing in giving a firm “don’t contact me again” response to his breakup message, or whether I should have left it open on the chance that he would come back. It really was a wonderful month that we had together (both within our dates and also our communications) and it doesn’t feel right for it to end so abruptly.

I wonder if in a few days he’ll want to come back. It does look like a case of ‘shiny objects’, but he really would speak about how he likes so many things about me. Even if he did get an offer of sex for last night which made him suddenly flake on me, he had a great month of good times with me which I hope will make him regret ending it and want to come back.

But then again, I didn’t ask him to end it- he did it, out of the blue, with zero indication that he was going to, just before the long-awaited (as he’d keep saying) date. Asking him to not contact me anymore reduces the chance of me getting reeled in again only to get disappointed again, with no notice again. The blindsiding can really play with your heart!

 

Edited November 25, 2023 by babybrowns

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I’ve dated around a fair bit in my life, but this man was all-round perfect and really would make me very happy.

After 3 dates there’s no way you could know that he was “perfect” (nobody is) or if he would make you very happy. In fact, from your description, it didn’t seem like the two of you were well matched at all. He knew it and decided not to pursue you further.

OP, you really need to calm down about the early stages of dating. You seem to put a lot of stock into how much a man is into you right from the start - when he barely knows you. Which is ridiculous, and as you’ve seen (multiple times now) just because a man shows a lot of enthusiasm, doesn’t mean anything really when it comes to something long term. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I am wondering whether I did the right thing in giving a firm “don’t contact me again” response to his breakup message, or whether I should have left it open on the chance that he would come back. 

Your message was fine but unnecessary because he broke up and if you didn't want to hear from him, you would have blocked him.

As far as dating him again, it seems you're running on flattery and love bombing rather than anything real.

That's ok. Do you really want to sit around and wait for someone who drops you like a hot potato? 

[basil67]

You say that he's all-around perfect.  If that was the case, you wouldn't have started a thread complaining about his behaviour

[shellzbellz83]

5 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I’ve dated around a fair bit in my life, but this man was all-round perfect and really would make me very happy. I especially love how caring he was.

You don't know this man. 

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I am wondering whether I did the right thing in giving a firm “don’t contact me again” response to his breakup message, or whether I should have left it open on the chance that he would come back.

He cancelled your date. That means, he doesn’t want to date/be in a relationship with you. There is nothing ambiguous about the message he sent, it’s time for you to move on…

I agree with the other posters, you don’t know the man well enough to say that he was “perfect.”  Not to mention the fact that you belittled him for his lack of education and ambition, you browbeated him for his lack of generosity and chivalry on your dates, and you/we have significant concerns about the fact that he recently ended a long term relationship/not ready for another serious relationship. No, he was definitely not perfect - 

Edited November 26, 2023 by BaileyB

[FMW]

On 11/25/2023 at 12:00 AM, babybrowns said:

I’m ambitious, went to university and have a career. For him, he pretty much rolled into his family’s business growing up where he works as a sales advisor and doesn’t do many hours. Also he had said that something he didn’t quite like about his ex was the fact that she was career driven. Wouldn’t work with me!

Reading your repeated employment/ambition related comments I got a clear feeling of condescension toward him and that you found him lacking.  That feeling is hard to hide and it's likely the way you acted around him and maybe even your conversation in some way communicated that clearly to him as well.  It was rude of him  to cancel so close to the time of the date, but I don't think it's surprising. 

Your thoughts about him and you telling him to never contact you again doesn't square at all with you now doubting whether you should have closed the door on him for good just because maybe he would want to reach out again.    When you feel that way about someone, don't agree to date them, especially not more than once.  I understand you had some interest in the date that didn't happen, but it's probably a case of too little too late.

Onward to hopefully better suited options (for both of you).

 

 

Edited November 26, 2023 by FMW

[glows]

22 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Thank you so much all for your further replies.

It is sad that this man suddenly vanished because I did like him quite a lot. I’ve dated around a fair bit in my life, but this man was all-round perfect and really would make me very happy. I especially love how caring he was.

I am wondering whether I did the right thing in giving a firm “don’t contact me again” response to his breakup message, or whether I should have left it open on the chance that he would come back. It really was a wonderful month that we had together (both within our dates and also our communications) and it doesn’t feel right for it to end so abruptly.

I wonder if in a few days he’ll want to come back. It does look like a case of ‘shiny objects’, but he really would speak about how he likes so many things about me. Even if he did get an offer of sex for last night which made him suddenly flake on me, he had a great month of good times with me which I hope will make him regret ending it and want to come back.

But then again, I didn’t ask him to end it- he did it, out of the blue, with zero indication that he was going to, just before the long-awaited (as he’d keep saying) date. Asking him to not contact me anymore reduces the chance of me getting reeled in again only to get disappointed again, with no notice again. The blindsiding can really play with your heart!

 

I think you’re feeling lonely and miss the interactions but he wasn’t the guy for you. His circumstances aren’t going to change any time soon. I’m reading you were open to someone of different background and education but it takes you a lot to learn to trust someone who is different from you (most people operate the same way whether comfortable admitting it or not). It’s safe to date in your comfort zone and this one pushed you out of it. Unfortunately he just wants something different - likely something as simple as a woman who has more time and communicates more frequently. You mentioned you’re not able to talk as often throughout the day. 

You told him not to contact you again in the heat of frustration and anger because of the way he did a 180 the same day of the date, 2 hours before you were to meet. I hear some people take 2 hours to get ready before a date! And what about commuting time and traffic. That’s cutting it close but thankfully he did cancel and break it off instead of standing you up. Sounds ridiculous because I know you were upset already but yes it could have been worse. 

Fill your time up with other things and give it a break. You seem lonely and missing the back and forth or something to look forward to with your dates. Recharge and put that energy somewhere else to some good use. Tell yourself not to back track here and move forward.

Edited November 26, 2023 by glows

[Alpacalia]

That's quite a leap to think that 1) he got an offer for sex and 2) he actually did it. How can you be so sure about this?

Are people really that icky that a person would cancel on someone in case they get the itch for sex elsewhere? And if he did, why on earth would you want someone like that back?

It sounds to me like excuses you have come up with to deal with your emotional pain and what that does is try to hold onto hope that this man will come back but it ain't happening.

You had not been dating long enough to conclude that he had been exposed to sex or any of that. You are convinced of this, and I don't think it's healthy to find an excuse or reason for his fade out then blame it on another woman or assume it. That's not the point.

He had second thoughts and left you hanging. You were in the early stages of dating and he made a choice to walk away. It happens to millions of people every day just like it happened to you. He did it in a bad or cold way for the ending.

The bigger point here is that you did in a way look down on him for not being as successful as you and not paying for your date, which is a bigger deal than you are making of it to try and re-initiate some contact with him or beg to have him back in your life. You asked for the split and got it.

Listen, if he didn't disappear and decided he wanted to see you again, what would you do differently or what would change?

The answer is nothing, because you were seeing potential that wasn't mature or ready for where you are at in life and realized he wasn't ready to move to the next stage for dating. He was not established like you probably are so the attraction may have wained even though on paper he looked good.

This isn't about a bad date or paying for a date, general interest revolves around attraction and how people treat you. You were more concered with him paying for the date then you were when he asked you to come over on the second date and that he was 4 months out of a relationship.

Again, I don't want to see you get upset about this because a statement like "Oh if only I didn't walk away maybe we could have worked things out." That's just false meaning that now you have re-written the contract in your head so you have some thread of hope that keeps you connected. This was a blip in time, and that's all it was- just a blip, a flake-out with a guy you hardly knew but liked enough, but it just didn't move on to the next stage.

Not worth holding onto luxury of shifting hope.

[NuevoYorko]

This type of situation seems to be a pattern you have.  

Meet a guy, get wrapped up in how "into you" he acts (when you don't know each other) and then really blow up and act strangely when it turns out that you are not a match.  

What's that all about?

[Vanos32]

It's understandable to feel disappointed that he didn't cover the second date, especially after his chivalrous gestures. Considering his recent breakup and different backgrounds, communication is key. Express your feelings about traditional dating expectations gently, allowing for a conversation to understand each other's perspectives. Give it another chance if he's receptive.

[ZA Dater]

On 11/12/2023 at 11:22 AM, babybrowns said:

Hello all,

I went on 2 dates recently with a man whom I met online. We are both in our early/mid 30’s.

The first date was a coffee where he paid for me, and for the second date, he wanted to take me to a restaurant that he really liked. His behaviour has been chivalrous in many ways; he even picked me up from my house to drive me to the restaurant for our second date and dropped me home afterwards too. 

However, he wanted to split the check at dinner. I offered and he accepted without offering to pay. Given that he invited me to his favourite restaurant and it was our second date, I find that to be a little surprising.

Aside from this action, he seems to be quite keen. He was telling me on the drive back that he was so happy to have met someone like me and that he really would like to see me again very soon. 

I am a little torn as to whether to give the benefit of doubt and see him again, or to call it. He has been lovely in other ways, but not offering to pay when he invited me out for our second date was something that didn’t sit right with me. I didn’t tell him this, and wondering if I ought to.

To give a little background, he split with his long term partner 4 months ago, with whom he has a son of 4 years old. He and his ex each have custody of their son for half the week. His ex, to whom he was engaged, was the one who broke things off and he initially fought for her to stay but then realised he was “happier” that she left.

His parents own a family business of renting out cars vans, and he works as a salesman for their business, he didn’t go to university. When he and his ex were together, his parents offered to help them buy them a new house for their young growing family, but his ex didn’t like this and wanted to make her own way in life financially and grow her career, which the guy said made her ultimately leave him.

I myself am an ambitious professional and so am also someone who is career-minded. I have 2 university degrees, which is a difference between us since he didn’t go to university.

However, if I invite someone out to my favourite restaurant and it is our second date, I would offer to pay for the both of us, and thus I am little bummed that he didn’t. Especially since it would have been chivalrous, which is something that is important to me. I understand that there are some who would prefer to go Dutch always, but I am old-school and would prefer not to go Dutch for a second date when a man has invited me out.

I am wondering as to whether to see him once more? Would welcome thoughts this. Thank you

Ok my view on this is not going to be popular. Why if the fundamentals of this man are good would you find this such a deal breaker? I honestly feel for well meaning guys who get thrown to the curb because of what to me are insignificant issues. Should he have paid, sure he should have but why the analysis as to why he did not? 

If his lack of education makes him unsuitable and removes all the apparent good about him, well then that is another matter but again is this significant? After two dates I doubt you actually know much about him as a person.

My view is give him some room here.