My husband can be insensitive at times

[ZombieMombie]

As the title says, my husband can be insensitive at times. Sometimes I feel like he lacks empathy and that's really concerning to me.

There's a particular instance that I just can't let go of. I want to, I just don't know how. Or quite honestly, if I should. Sometimes I'm afraid that if I let things go I'll be missing a red flag.

I had a really tough pregnancy. I mean head in the toilet every single day all day long for 7 months straight. Then I finally got better for a month before giving birth to our son at 8 months. It was a really tough time for me and with my son being a preemie, he had to stay in the NICU for a week after he was born. It was hell. 

He's now 18 months old and things are much better and I couldn't be happier but my God was that a tough pregnancy. And I'm learning that it's ok to say it was tough without feeling guilty or like I love my son any less. He means the world to me and I'd do it all over again. 

My husband was by my side the whole time. He had to work, of course, but when he was home, he was there for me. But when he was working it was just me puking my brains out everyday. No family or friends as we had just moved 1700 miles away from everyone we've known. That's another story. I found out I was pregnant a month after we moved. 

Hubby's cousin back home became pregnant a couple of months after me. By the time we went back home to visit, she was 9 months pregnant and ready to give birth at any moment. My son was 5 months then. We're all sitting at the table talking and my husband turns to his cousin and says "tell her how many days YOU'VE been sick" referring to his cousin telling me how often she'd gotten sick during her pregnancy. We both (my husband and I) already knew she hadn't gotten sick at all. Not even one day. My husband knew that I knew this as we were all in communication during her pregnancy and she would give both of us updates. It made me feel like he was rubbing it in that I had been sick as a dog while his cousin was fine the whole time. I felt terrible as I had to relive the pregnancy over again. 

I mentioned to my husband that it was insensitive of him to say that bc he saw how sick I was. He said he didn't say it to be malicious. That he just wanted his cousin to see how lucky she was that she didn't get sick. I don't buy it though. I'd asked him about it before and he'd given a totally different reason. It seems insensitive at best, unempathic and unloving at worst. It really concerns me. So much so that it's been a year now and it STILL bothers me.

I can't press him anymore about this bc he's already said his peace. Why can't I let it go?

 

[basil67]

 

32 minutes ago, ZombieMombie said:

I mentioned to my husband that it was insensitive of him to say that bc he saw how sick I was. He said he didn't say it to be malicious. That he just wanted his cousin to see how lucky she was that she didn't get sick. I don't buy it though. I'd asked him about it before and he'd given a totally different reason. It seems insensitive at best, unempathic and unloving at worst. It really concerns me. So much so that it's been a year now and it STILL bothers me.

I'm so sorry that you had such an awful pregnancy. 

I don't buy his story about wanting her to know how lucky she is either.  Because if that was the case, he would have said "You're so lucky. Poor Zombie Mombie was so terribly ill for so long".   So what was the totally different reason he gave before?  And did he ever admit that his actions were hurtful and give a sincere apology?

As for being unable to let it go, I wonder if there's a big picture problem behind it.  Are there any other unresolved problems with your husband?  

[ZombieMombie]

To be honest, I don't remember what the other reason was. But I know it wasn't that and I know for sure I've asked him before. When I told him he didn't say that the last time I asked him he said "really? I don't remember you asking me that" - I know I should remember but I don't. Sorry. I know it would be helpful here. 

He didn't admit that it was hurtful but he did apologize. Was it sincere? I don't know. It was done via text bc I tend to do a lot of thinking while he's at work and text my thoughts to him. 

I guess the underlying problem would be that he does this often. Where he'll say something insensitive, I call him out on it and he denies that it was meant the way I took it. So I'm left with it. I mean, what can I do if he constantly tells me he didn't mean it that way, ya know? He tells me that I dwell on things and can't let the little things go. He also says he can't go back and forth on the same issue over and over again. If I forgive him I need to let it go. It's hard to say bc I'm not in his head so I don't know if there's truly any malice behind it. I see how he talks to other people though and he's kinda the same way. He has this sorta social awkwardness and seems to be inept to certain cues of what to say and what not to say in certain situations. I can't count how many times I've had to duck my head in embarrassment bc he blurts out things that could be considered offensive. 

[Alpacalia]

First of all, it's completely valid for you to feel upset and hurt by your husband's insensitivity. It sounds like you had a very difficult pregnancy and his comment about his cousin's lack of sickness missed the mark.

I don't view his comment as its own isolated incident but as a symptom of a larger issue in your relationship.

It's hard to explain but it's like you might literally feel his insensitivity in multiple areas and this incident is like a big scab that won't heal quite yet. I take his comment to not be malicious but instead "blamy" and insensitive.

I think he was just trying to show his cousin how unlucky you were but instead just reminded you of how hard it was. Instead, it seems forgotten or ignored... which makes it worse. Does this occur in other areas in your life? White elephants that won't go away? Places where you would like your husband to understand and empathize but instead he avoids, forgets, acts invalidating instead? Can you give me a few more examples?

Not to beleaguer anything but instead see if there is a common progression that people dealing with chronic unsympathetic people deal with...  I'm thinking you already feel it.

An additional point that complicates things. You are most likely sensitive to insensitivity. During and after your pregnancy, feelings of being emotionally unsupported might have created an even larger need for empathy than an otherwise emotionally-supported person's yearning for empathy. Family support is often the main source of support during an emotionally challenging time. I'm guessing you, as most people, are used to your parents providing some support (emotional, financial, advice).

Although you moved, you may still feel emotionally abandoned by your family thus the double-whammy of your husband being insensitive because he is not giving you that parental support your parents would normally give you. On top of that, you're punishing him by feeling extra hurt because he is not giving you any extra empathy or support. You are so angry with him and your situation and everyone else for not giving you enough support. You might even doubt yourself and think "uh oh, I feel angry and unsupported by my husband and family. Maybe I am doing something wrong, why don't I feel loved and supported even when they are trying hard."

Be careful to give yourself space to feel needy and supported-even if your family or husband are not giving you that emotional support you'd expect due to their own challenges and different experience levels (husband doesn't know what you need to feel loved and your parents are a state away and can run away from responsibility).

How does this feel? Have you been able to identify the root of your husband's insensitivity? Can you be sensitive to yourself and empathize with your own needs and feelings even when others seem unsympathetic? How do you define "emotional support" for yourself? Has this definition changed during pregnancy or since? Do you think your husband has been actively trying to be malicious or is he just a bit selfish and not really "mean-spirited". 

As women in many ways we have it much easier (not...) by going through things like pregnancy and childbirth compared to our male counterparts. We have monthly hormonal shifts, breast feeding, pregnancy, childbirth, post-childbirth recovery, and single handedly manage doctor’s appointments, school stuff, etc. It’s a lot and we have every right to think it sucks a big bag of jolly ranchers and have our husbands be comforting versus other way around.

Edited November 14, 2023 by Alpacalia

[MsJayne]

He made light of your trauma, and, like all people who can't read a room, he thinks mouthing the word 'sorry' is the end of it. It is very concerning when someone close lacks empathy for others, and yes, they can be really embarrassing when they open their mouth and reveal that they have the emotional IQ of a mollusc. When the person's your partner it definitely raises questions of their feelings towards you given that you're recognising that they're not connecting with you on an emotional level. Do these incidents, where he invalidates you when you confront his insensitive comments, leave you feeling as if he's not really on your side, like you've just been steam-rolled in order to keep his sense of superiority afloat? 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, ZombieMombie said:

. He said he didn't say it to be malicious. That he just wanted his cousin to see how lucky she was that she didn't get sick. I don't buy it though. 

Sorry this happened. His explanation seems reasonable. He was there for you through the rough times, and that seems more important. 

Please take care of yourself and your physical and mental health. It seems like you went through quite an ordeal and perhaps a bit of postpartum depression. All of which is understandable. 

Overall the comment seems to be more of "count your blessings,we went through hell",. rather than any particular insult towards you per se.  He seems like a bull in a china shop when it comes to tact 

Edited November 14, 2023 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

7 hours ago, ZombieMombie said:

He's now 18 months old and things are much better and I couldn't be happier but my God was that a tough pregnancy. And I'm learning that it's ok to say it was tough without feeling guilty or like I love my son any less.  

* * * 

Why can't I let it go?

I don't know why you can't let it go but I think it has something to do with the way you feel about being sick during your pregnancy.  I don't know why being sick & having a hard time made you feel guilty but it obviously did.  Read the sentences above together.  I don't know what loving your son has to do with how hard it was to carry him.  Those seem like facts to me.  You are not required to resent the baby because your pregnancy wasn't a dream walk in the park & you don't.  

Assuming your husband was simply using the contrast to show his cousin how lucky she is, let it go.  

[Gaeta]

I am sorry you are feeling this way and your hurt is real but personally I would not have been offended or hurt by his comment. I would have told the cousin You have NO idea how lucky you are!  What I'm noticing here is you're suspecting his comment was generated out of bad intentions, doesn't he love you, hasn't he proven you many times he loves you, isn't he present in all the ways you expect a partner to be present, I think the answer is yes so why do you think these comments are insensitive on purpose. Could you be over sensitive? Is there like a big issue in your relationship that you are not addressing? I am asking because

I also have never heard in my life a woman resenting her baby for having a difficult pregnancy. So looks like you are making weird comments yourself. That does not make you insensitive on purpose right!

[ZombieMombie]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I don't know why you can't let it go but I think it has something to do with the way you feel about being sick during your pregnancy.  I don't know why being sick & having a hard time made you feel guilty but it obviously did.  Read the sentences above together.  I don't know what loving your son has to do with how hard it was to carry him.  Those seem like facts to me.  You are not required to resent the baby because your pregnancy wasn't a dream walk in the park & you don't.  

Assuming your husband was simply using the contrast to show his cousin how lucky she is, let it go.  

I guess I was just doing what a lot of women do which I know I shouldn't, compare myself to other women who seem to enjoy being pregnant. You know those women that glow on social media about the whole process of pregnancy and how wonderful and miraculous it is. I was feeling like bc it was hell for me and I wasn't enjoying the process that I was somehow a bad mom. 

I'm getting better at it now though bc I realize that having a tough pregnancy doesn't mean I'm a bad mom. 

[ZombieMombie]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. His explanation seems reasonable. He was there for you through the rough times, and that seems more important. 

Please take care of yourself and your physical and mental health. It seems like you went through quite an ordeal and perhaps a bit of postpartum depression. All of which is understandable. 

Overall the comment seems to be more of "count your blessings,we went through hell",. rather than any particular insult towards you per se.  He seems like a bull in a china shop when it comes to tact 

Sometimes I think he was only there for me bc he HAD to be or really, what other choice did he have? We live 1700 miles away from family. If we lived near them I don't think he'd necessarily be there for me all the time as he did tend to put them before me and us when we lived nearby. 

I love the analogy of a bull in a china shop though 👍

[ZombieMombie]

5 hours ago, MsJayne said:

He made light of your trauma, and, like all people who can't read a room, he thinks mouthing the word 'sorry' is the end of it. It is very concerning when someone close lacks empathy for others, and yes, they can be really embarrassing when they open their mouth and reveal that they have the emotional IQ of a mollusc. When the person's your partner it definitely raises questions of their feelings towards you given that you're recognising that they're not connecting with you on an emotional level. Do these incidents, where he invalidates you when you confront his insensitive comments, leave you feeling as if he's not really on your side, like you've just been steam-rolled in order to keep his sense of superiority afloat? 

I often feel like he's not on my side and like I'm being steamrolled or gaslit 

[ZombieMombie]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am sorry you are feeling this way and your hurt is real but personally I would not have been offended or hurt by his comment. I would have told the cousin You have NO idea how lucky you are!  What I'm noticing here is you're suspecting his comment was generated out of bad intentions, doesn't he love you, hasn't he proven you many times he loves you, isn't he present in all the ways you expect a partner to be present, I think the answer is yes so why do you think these comments are insensitive on purpose. Could you be over sensitive? Is there like a big issue in your relationship that you are not addressing? I am asking because

I also have never heard in my life a woman resenting her baby for having a difficult pregnancy. So looks like you are making weird comments yourself. That does not make you insensitive on purpose right!

Physically present, yes. Financially, yes. Emotionally present? No. 

I don't resent my baby. It's in no way his fault and I'd do it all over again. I'm more upset that he seemed to take my experience so lightly. 

I'm learning that it's ok to have had a tough pregnancy and not think there's something wrong with ME bc I wasn't basking in my pregnancy glow. I've had people tell me that I should've been grateful just to have been pregnant bc a lot of women can't conceive. And I get that. I am grateful. The process was hell though. The birth was actually a lot easier, lol, go figure. I've always noticed the opposite from the women around me. 

Hubby tells me he wants more kids too but I don't think I can go through that again. 

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, ZombieMombie said:

I'm learning that it's ok to have had a tough pregnancy and not think there's something wrong with ME bc I wasn't basking in my pregnancy glow. I've had people tell me that I should've been grateful just to have been pregnant bc a lot of women can't conceive. And I get that. I am grateful. The process was hell though.

Everyone’s experience is different. Everyone’s journey is different. This was your experience and it is not to be compared with anytime else. Of course it’s ok to say - pregnancy was awful! It was hard and I struggled and I don’t know if I want to do that again. That’s ok. It does not mean that you are not grateful to have or that you don’t love your child.

6 minutes ago, ZombieMombie said:

Hubby tells me he wants more kids too but I don't think I can go through that again. 

My aunt had one child - her pregnancy and particularly, the birth, was hugely traumatic for her. There is a reason why she only has one child. She loves him dearly, but she did not want to have another baby. And that’s ok.

Likewise, I know a few people who suffered through two or even three pregnancies. And yes, I use the word suffer for good reason. They took the medication that is supposed to help with the nausea, but the entire pregnancy was hard. One just delivered and she was off work for at least half the pregnancy. Her first, had terrible reflux, sever food allergies, didn’t sleep. What a leap of faith to get pregnant again because the pregnancy and newborn phase was so hard for them!! 

You make the decision that is best for you and your husband. You don’t have to explain or justify your decision to anyone. Life will go on if you do not have another child. And, if you decide to get pregnant again, you will get through it. Who knows - it may even be a different experience than the first. You will know what’s best for you and your family. But again, counselling may help you to make this decision… again, I had a friend who sought counselling when making the decisions whether to have a third child. She said it helped a lot.

[Weezy1973]

7 minutes ago, ZombieMombie said:

Hubby tells me he wants more kids too but I don't think I can go through that again. 

This could be the underlying issue. Have you told him you don’t want any more kids? 

One of the keys to a good relationship is giving your partner the benefit of the doubt. That means accepting that his intent was not malicious with his comments. This can be easier said than done, especially if you had a less than ideal childhood where you formulated a worldview that people you love are inherently hurtful. 

[BaileyB]

22 minutes ago, ZombieMombie said:

I'm getting better at it now though bc I realize that having a tough pregnancy doesn't mean I'm a bad mom. 

It’s really sad to me that you would feel this way. Social media is not a reflection of real life. 

[Gaeta]

13 minutes ago, ZombieMombie said:

Emotionally present? No. 

So there is a bigger issue? Let's talk about that. 

Has he always been emotionally absent? if not when did it start?

[BaileyB]

OMG, I wrote a really long post and it doesn’t look like it saved. Argh!!

To summarize, I’m sorry if this is a little more blunt than the first version… 

You are obviously very sensitive about this and rightfully so, this pregnancy was difficult and traumatic for you. He should have known this, whether he meant anything by his comment or not - it was insensitive and he shouldn’t have said it. 

That said, we all say things we wish we could take back sometimes. I’m sure you can appreciate that, because I’m sure you too have said something that you wish you could have taken back. This is why we tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. If you are still holding onto it a year later, that is concerning to me. I think you could benefit from some support - it’s good that you posted here and I would encourage you to consider counselling if you are having difficulty letting this go. 

I’m a little concerned because it sounds to me like you may have had this discussion by text. That never a good way to discuss serious relationship concerns. In the future, I would try to have these kinds of discussions in person. It’s your opportunity to share your feelings, to set a boundary (in the future, I would appreciate it if you don’t do this again), and when he apologizes, you let it go. 

If you are having difficulty letting this go, I would suggest that you consider individual counselling. There are a few things that worry me here - your comment about missing red flags, the fact that you feel like he is gaslighting you… that makes me wonder what happened in your previous relationships because that speaks to me - potentially - of a woman on high alert with her guard up and I don’t know that that is fair to him. It seems to me like he is trying to be a supportive husband, he provided good care while you were pregnant and he enjoys being a father. 

The other thing that I wonder - it’s very isolating to be home alone with a baby and nobody to talk with. You said that you moved away from family and friends - do you have any friends or any social supports in this new place other than your husband? I ask because you wrote that you tend to think all day and text often with your husband. I will say this - my partner would not be very happy with me if I did this. I don’t know that it’s a healthy thing for you to do and I definitely don’t think it’s helping your marriage. If you haven’t already done so, I would join a mommy and me group and try to make some new friends, I would consider going back to work, or I would try to find a counsellor so that I’m not relying only on my husband as a sounding board or for emotional support. 

Marriage counselling may be helpful because it seems like you are in a pattern where he says something stupid/insensitive, you call him on it, he apologizes, and then you hold onto it. That’s not a great way for either of you to communicate such that you will feel good about each other or your relationship. Perhaps you could both learn some tools that would help you to communicate and resolve conflicts in a different way.

And then, I will say that my partner is also capable of saying/doing what I would consider to be insensitive/stupid things at times. He too lacks social awareness at times, such that there are times when I want to say - really??? I often say, a little tongue in cheek because the following statements do not reflect an entire gender, he is a man…   He’s definitely not as sensitive to emotions as I am. He’s not always aware of the socially appropriate thing to do. He doesn’t overthink things the way that I do (or if he does, it’s because he’s planning to purchase a new electronic device  ), and he doesn’t hold onto things the way that I do. You wonder if he lacks empathy, I wonder if he is just not as skilled as you are related to social/emotional relationships and he is just tired of having basically the same discussion with you (with a different topic). I don’t know, I don’t know you or your relationship… I just offer the thought as something to consider - 

And finally, I once heard a quote by Ruth Bader Ginsburg that I try to remember in my relationship - only because, it makes me smile, reminds me to take a deep breath, and let it go… “In every good marriage, it helps sometimes to be a little deaf.” 

Best wishes. 

Edited November 14, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

53 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Has he always been emotionally absent? if not when did it start?

And how does that look to you? What does he do/not do that lead you to feel this way?

[BaileyB]

My apology, I may have assumed that you are not working outside of the home because that’s the norm where I live - maternity leave is 12-18 months. If that is not correct, please accept my sincere apology. If you are home with your child, I just wanted to normalize for you that it can be a very lonely and isolating experience for many mothers - particularly if you have moved and you don’t have the same social connections that you once had. In that case, when the time is right, you may want to consider part time employment if the socialization of work would be helpful for you. 

I also see in looking back, that your husband apologized by text. So perhaps I misread that and you didn’t have the discussion by text. 

Sorry, was quite flustered this morning because I drafted a really lovely and well thought out reply and it disappeared into the Netherland…

[introverted1]

Your son is 18 months old now and this happened when he was 5 months old.  So more than a year has passed, and you are hanging onto this remark by your husband that, frankly, no one here can really judge.  Perhaps he could have said it with more finesse or perhaps his explanation is valid, but the bigger question is why you are hanging on to something that is more than a year in the past? 

16 hours ago, ZombieMombie said:

Why can't I let it go?

This is exactly the question.  Have you considered exploring this with a therapist?  

[Els]

I'm childfree, but I've heard that it's not uncommon for women who have a rough pregnancy to experience some form of resentment towards their partner (even if he's being supportive at that time). It makes sense to an extent - after all, you are the only person who's going through all that suffering in order to achieve an outcome that benefits both people, while the other person's life is largely unchanged. So it's probably natural to feel touchy about it, even if there isn't much else that he could have done (since he can't "take turns" with you for gestation).

However, while we can't necessarily change what we feel, we can change what we do about it. Do you have a therapist that you can talk to about this? They could help you unravel your feelings and help you manage them in a less destructive way.

Is he insensitive in any other ways? Is he an equal carer to your child during the times that he is home?

 

[Els]

On 11/15/2023 at 12:30 AM, ZombieMombie said:

I've had people tell me that I should've been grateful just to have been pregnant bc a lot of women can't conceive.

Hubby tells me he wants more kids too but I don't think I can go through that again. 

I'd actually consider those people to be more insensitive than your husband! It's incredibly annoying how some people seem to be totally dismissive towards female pain or discomfort, especially when it relates to our reproductive systems.

As for having another biological child, it's your body that will have to go through it, so you get the final say on it. I'm rather concerned that he's saying this, when he's seen how sick you were and knows how you feel about it. Doesn't your health and well-being matter to him? However, if you want, you could offer the compromise of adopting a child if he wants it.

 

Edited November 16, 2023 by Els