Disaster of a Second Date

[FredEire]

A couple of months ago I met a girl I really liked. Seemed sweet, funny and very pretty and we had a really good night together. I had a rough breakup a few years ago and and had gone through a string of things since then with little or no interest on my part and I was beginning to doubt it being possible to meet someone I had any kind of feelings for

The only problem was I was going away for a couple of months to fulfil study obligations, and I remember feeling devasted that I'd meet someone like that in those circumstances, but we agreed to keep in touch and meet when I was back.

While I was away the conversation was very hot and cold on her end, some days talking a lot and other very brief texts or nothing. I tried not to put too much pressure on it but I felt quite upset and was massively overthinking it as contact seemed less and less, and by the time I came back we hadn't talked for a few days and I assumed she may no longer be interested, something I'd been quite insecure about the whole time I'd been away.

However the weekend we came back she randomly texted asking to meet up which I was delighted about but she mentioned the reason for wanting to go out being angry and sad about not having done anything on Halloween as she'd had a fight with her friend, which I found a little odd.

We met up again and the first while was nice, talking and joking. I was very nervous but tried my best to just relax and ease into the date. We went to a street fair and frankly it was a little boring so she said she wanted to eat and I said ok let's go.

At this stage thing started going a little wrong. She wasn't a native English speaker and spoke quite quickly and quietly with a very strong accent. I struggled to understand her at times or got the wrong idea, and she started to get visible annoyed.

After this we went into a burger place which she suggested but after a couple of minutes waiting in a line she sat down by herself and complained it was going to take ages. Feeling things were starting to get a little down, I said we could go somewhere else.

She then told me I must know a great place to go as I'm from the city, but in all honesty I hadn't lived there full time for years and under pressure I couldnt think of much. I suggested some simple things but she said they were boring or wasn't in the mood and wanted a place with beer and burgers. I suggested a burger place I'd been to a few times which had a cow as the logo, which she got upset with as she's a vegetarian (I am also but knew they had good veggie options and although I wasn't in love with the decor it wasn't the end of the world for me).

At this stage she was getting visibly quite annoyed and said ok let's do what I want to do, and insisted we go to a place in the town where she lived a little bit outside the city, which would have been hard for me to return from at that time. I suddenly remembered a good place around the corner from where we were but at that point the whole thing felt like it was turning into an argument. Suddenly she declared she was going home and walked onto the first approaching bus without even looking at me.

Very upset at the date going so badly and lasting less than an hour with a girl I'd been excited to see for two months, I rang up a friend and saw if they were around for a drink and a chat. I met up with them and while we were in the pub I saw she'd put up an Instagram story of her at home with a Burger King she'd gotten on the way home and a caption something like "wild Friday night". Feeling very annoyed and that it was a dig at me for the bad date, I put up a story myself of me and my friend's beer glasses (which was quite petty and I regret).

The next morning on seeing this story she send me a very angry text about what an a**h*** I'd turned out to be and that I had other plans and it explained everything, and deleted my number. I replied that I'd gone out with my friend because she'd left so early but it was always my plan to spend the night with her.

A couple of days later she sent me an apology but said she'd acted that way as she'd felt frustrated and that I didn't want to be there (which couldn't be further from the truth), and that she'd felt really sad that I was on the phone to someone as she was leaving on the bus and then went for a drink "like it was nothing".

I definitely put too much pressure on the date, unintentionally but I found it hard not to let the excitement of meeting someone I liked run away from me. Its hard for me to process exactly what went on, especially from her end as the date went from a nice time to horrible in such a short space of time. I'm still pretty upset about it but want to try and learn whatever lessons I can for next time.

 

Edited November 14, 2023 by FredEire

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, FredEire said:

The next morning on seeing this story she send me a very angry text about what an a**h*** I'd turned out to be and that I had other plans and it explained everything, and deleted my number.

Sorry this happened. You dodged a bullet. She seems like a high maintenance drama queen. 

While the date was sort of all over the place, it seems it's because nothing suits her. Don't be fooled by a pretty face if they act like this. 

Delete and block her and put it behind you. She seems to get unhinged easily. 

[Alpacalia]

Not sure what flew up her burger bun.

Burger King is delicious.

Edited November 15, 2023 by Alpacalia

[MsJayne]

"I want to go somewhere with beer and burgers" said the vegetarian, and then when you got there she got all offended about the cow logo. Acts like a spoiled child throughout the date then storms off on to a bus, posts something dumb on social media, and then goes off her rocker at you for going out somewhere else after she ruined your date. I'd ask her how she felt about her behaviour and give her the chance to apologise, and if she doesn't I'd post her a photo of an abattoir with my middle finger superimposed over it. 

[FMW]

4 hours ago, FredEire said:

want to try and learn whatever lessons I can for next time.

I would see the lesson as don't get too excited about the potential with anyone that you haven't actually spent much (or any?) time with face to face.  She sounds moody and volatile, don't even look back.  

[ShyViolet]

She sounds very high maintenance, difficult and rude, quite honestly.  You're better off without her.  I wouldn't give her a second thought.

[ExpatInItaly]

Forget this drama queen. 

Storms off on a date, posts some juvenile, attention-seeking dig on social media, and has the stones to be rude to you about it?

Pfft. Delete and block and don't talk to her anymore. She isn't worth your time and energy. I am sorry you had this experience, but take it as your cue that this girl is a tool. 

[glows]

Well back it up a bit and girl says she had fight with friend and she’s angry. She lashed out at you and took out her frustration at you complaining throughout the date. Very unfortunate and immature. 

The social media post may be a dig at her friend. Wild Fri night? Her longing for actual wild Fri nights that haven’t happened in ages? She started off bitter and angry so just leave it at that. Strongly doubt this is about you.

Given the way she acted I don’t think she held you in high regard. You were a time pass for her, someone to fill the void and that’s quite a hurtful thing to do to someone else. Don’t let this affect your desire to meet new people and date. 

[FredEire]

Thanks for the replies guys. I'm slowly getting over it, I think a lot of the upset comes from feeling like a fool that I invested so much emotion and energy in something that in the end frankly was worse than a waste of time.

I know myself it's not a good idea to get too invested too early, I'd give the same advice to others. Unfortunately sometimes you can't help it, and many times I have the opposite problem of wishing I cared more about girls I date who are clearly nice and trying their best!

Not sure why the first date went so well, most likely she was just in a better mood and it was super low stakes for both of us as I was going away for two months a few days after

Edited November 15, 2023 by FredEire

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Well back it up a bit and girl says she had fight with friend and she’s angry. She lashed out at you and took out her frustration at you complaining throughout the date. Very unfortunate and immature. 

The social media post may be a dig at her friend. Wild Fri night? Her longing for actual wild Fri nights that haven’t happened in ages? She started off bitter and angry so just leave it at that. Strongly doubt this is about you.

Given the way she acted I don’t think she held you in high regard. You were a time pass for her, someone to fill the void and that’s quite a hurtful thing to do to someone else. Don’t let this affect your desire to meet new people and date. 

Yeah you know come to think of it I reckon you're right, very little doubt about it. Still even if it was mostly aimed at her friend these things are usually multi-purpose haha, so probably aimed a little bit at everyone.

Yeah I did get the feeling the cool bar she was hoping I'd show her was a lot more important in her mind than seeing me, which wasn't too nice. Clearly we had two completely different ideas, which is ok, but then blaming me for her disappointment in such a harsh way I felt was a bit much.

[Alpacalia]

I don't see this date going any other way except worse.

I don't think you did anything to ruin it.

Typically in dating, if someone says "Tell me where to eat." You have several ideas and offer them up. Remember: Those ideas can include "I really like Burgers and Cows, and there's one on Main Street."

Side note, my cousin is having thanksgiving at her house and cooking for everyone, my uncle, who can be a bit demanding is like "I want ham". I'm like, you'll get what's offered or you will not eat that day. If you don't like what my cousin is making, bring your own ham, my cousin is not going out of her way because ONE person doesn't like Turkey.

You did the right thing by not just catering to her demands and trying to please her at all costs. This was supposed to be mutual and enjoyable experience, not a one-sided effort to make the other person happy. Don't let yourself get too caught up in someone else's expectations.

I can see why you have bad feelings as well; and this is largely by just imagining 'this can be exciting'. You saw her as you would hope she would be: proper and happy. Then the language came in a little or a lot and after a set of near-misses, she lost her pleasant-ness and became somewhat angry--"Not much fun HERE"

There is nothing either right or wrong with going out with your friend, but it was important for her not to have misunderstood you. She found you within a pithy distance from your earlier date. That can sometimes be upsetting. The main thing is that it's what she chose to go with for her 'comfort', right or wrong. Her angry text says it all: really hurt and really sad. She said some things that were really sort of upsetting, didn't she.

These dates happen from time to time.

I hope you can always feel a little better from now on; that's all it was about.

There are no flags to take away from this for the future. You are plenty fun and you will be unique with someone new all over again.

Edited November 15, 2023 by Alpacalia

[glows]

Agree. She has issues and she was very rude. Very sorry you went through that. But not everyone is going to be like this so don’t even bother spending a second more feeling bad about any of it.

[FredEire]

59 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I don't see this date going any other way except worse.

I don't think you did anything to ruin it.

Typically in dating, if someone says "Tell me where to eat." You have several ideas and offer them up. Remember: Those ideas can include "I really like Burgers and Cows, and there's one on Main Street."

Side note, my cousin is having thanksgiving at her house and cooking for everyone, my uncle, who can be a bit demanding is like "I want ham". I'm like, you'll get what's offered or you will not eat that day. If you don't like what my cousin is making, bring your own ham, my cousin is not going out of her way because ONE person doesn't like Turkey.

You did the right thing by not just catering to her demands and trying to please her at all costs. This was supposed to be mutual and enjoyable experience, not a one-sided effort to make the other person happy. Don't let yourself get too caught up in someone else's expectations.

I can see why you have bad feelings as well; and this is largely by just imagining 'this can be exciting'. You saw her as you would hope she would be: proper and happy. Then the language came in a little or a lot and after a set of near-misses, she lost her pleasant-ness and became somewhat angry--"Not much fun HERE"

There is nothing either right or wrong with going out with your friend, but it was important for her not to have misunderstood you. She found you within a pithy distance from your earlier date. That can sometimes be upsetting. The main thing is that it's what she chose to go with for her 'comfort', right or wrong. Her angry text says it all: really hurt and really sad. She said some things that were really sort of upsetting, didn't she.

These dates happen from time to time.

I hope you can always feel a little better from now on; that's all it was about.

There are no flags to take away from this for the future. You are plenty fun and you will be unique with someone new all over again.

Yeah the thing about me going out just felt like an effort to justify her rudeness and lack of flexibility to be honest. Me putting up a story was a bit silly but it was in reaction to her silliness.

I think I probably formed an attachment to the person I imagined she was while I was away, who clearly wasn't who she is in reality. Have to try and take my feelings with a bigger pinch of salt if something similar happens again.

[Versacehottie]

12 hours ago, FMW said:

I would see the lesson as don't get too excited about the potential with anyone that you haven't actually spent much (or any?) time with face to face.  She sounds moody and volatile, don't even look back.  

Couldn't agree more and was going to say something similar. 

Basically, OP, the lesson here is to not build up anyone as if they are this perfect or even great person after just initially meeting them. It's sort of like you were likely projecting your hopes and wishes onto a person who meets an initial threshold of physical attraction and perhaps some  personality attraction. It's hard if you had to go away for a couple of months but you have to work with the constraints that life gives you sometimes. In that case, I would have probably recommended talking to her a lot more during the two month time so you could have been exposed to her personality (i'm pretty sure the moodiness would have come out). OR just put the whole thing on hold and start off like it's truly date 1.5 when you went out, and keep your expectations in line. 

*i sort of think that beer IG post was stupid...i get why you might have wanted to do it but once you go nuclear like that it's hard to fix it. (i realize she had done it as well--which should be more evidence that goes into your "getting to know her" column that should outweigh any false fantasies you have built up about her). Good luck and don't look back. 

The whole hamburger part was pretty funny!! I have no idea why someone is getting touchy about things relating to vegetarian concerns when they ARE ASKING FOR A HAMBURGER!!! And then go to burger king on their own to substitute the hamburger they wanted on your date. She is being too unreasonable!!

[Versacehottie]

7 hours ago, FredEire said:

I think a lot of the upset comes from feeling like a fool that I invested so much emotion and energy in something that in the end frankly was worse than a waste of time.

but this is exactly why it happened...so you can and should learn from it and don't do it in the future. You were falling for someone that didn't really exist.

[FredEire]

35 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Couldn't agree more and was going to say something similar. 

Basically, OP, the lesson here is to not build up anyone as if they are this perfect or even great person after just initially meeting them. It's sort of like you were likely projecting your hopes and wishes onto a person who meets an initial threshold of physical attraction and perhaps some  personality attraction. It's hard if you had to go away for a couple of months but you have to work with the constraints that life gives you sometimes. In that case, I would have probably recommended talking to her a lot more during the two month time so you could have been exposed to her personality (i'm pretty sure the moodiness would have come out). OR just put the whole thing on hold and start off like it's truly date 1.5 when you went out, and keep your expectations in line. 

*i sort of think that beer IG post was stupid...i get why you might have wanted to do it but once you go nuclear like that it's hard to fix it. (i realize she had done it as well--which should be more evidence that goes into your "getting to know her" column that should outweigh any false fantasies you have built up about her). Good luck and don't look back. 

The whole hamburger part was pretty funny!! I have no idea why someone is getting touchy about things relating to vegetarian concerns when they ARE ASKING FOR A HAMBURGER!!! And then go to burger king on their own to substitute the hamburger they wanted on your date. She is being too unreasonable!!

Right. To be honest we did talk a lot during the two months and I was aware of her moodiness. She'd often say she was having a terrible day or not be very responsive and a lot of the time I thought she was losing interest.

Obviously it can make someone hard to deal with but I wouldn't write someone off for being moody at times, I can be a fairly difficult person as well 😅 But there's definitely different more or less healthy ways to deal with it.

[smackie9]

Wow she must have been stunning to look at, but what lies beneath was a different story. Language barrier, red flag. Lack of understanding, red flag. Just plain rude/high maintenance, red flag. Next time don't invest in someone you don't even know, or just met. And never ever judge a book by it's cover. Jumping into the deep end because someone is pretty....is pretty stupid. 

[FredEire]

25 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Wow she must have been stunning to look at, but what lies beneath was a different story. Language barrier, red flag. Lack of understanding, red flag. Just plain rude/high maintenance, red flag. Next time don't invest in someone you don't even know, or just met. And never ever judge a book by it's cover. Jumping into the deep end because someone is pretty....is pretty stupid. 

Hm yeah I mean I think a language barrier is something you can get over but you have to be more patient. Rudeness and high maintenance though yeah sure. It's never anyone else's job to make sure you're in a good mood.

And the emotional investment bit was never really intentional, I was fully aware I was getting in too deep too early. I'd give similar advice to some of my friends who fall in love after 5 minutes with girls who have zero interest in them. I think it was the fact that I haven't met anyone I've really fancied since I broke up with my ex almost 4 years ago, and I got too carried away.

 

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, FredEire said:

Right. To be honest we did talk a lot during the two months and I was aware of her moodiness. She'd often say she was having a terrible day or not be very responsive and a lot of the time I thought she was losing interest.

Obviously it can make someone hard to deal with but I wouldn't write someone off for being moody at times, I can be a fairly difficult person as well 😅 But there's definitely different more or less healthy ways to deal with it.

ok so you took the route where you talked a fair amount in the two months after the first date. Maybe you just chose to ignore some of what she was saying to you or conveying to you. I think so. Hey you can't want a relationship so much so that you jump to the point where you are building a life around the person. Which is very much why you likely feel sad--it's part of the over investment. Just try to hold back a bit more and enjoy where you are with someone. I'm for multi-dating in general in the first handful of dates bc you will likely see the person more clearly and less likely to over-invest. (I get that this would have been nearly impossible in your particular situation but you could do it going forward). On another note, why would you continue to invest in someone that you believed was losing interest? That sort of points back to you wanting a gf so much that it's not really about the person but who they are in relation to you, more of a possession than a person. Try to stay aware of that. It's also why you would feel bad about a (non)relationship that ended--because it's not really about the other person, it's about YOU (ego, your hopes and dreams etc and you see them dashed bc it didn't work out with someone that you sort of had a little traction with instead of looking at the bigger picture of is this really a good person for me?)

Lol you both sound a little moody with the IG retaliation. Sort of toxic sounding TBH. Also to take it our publicly sort of says maybe you both need to get more mature. And that obviously you do not bring out the best in each other. I doubt it would get better if this is how it went over this short amount of time and something so insignificant. Remember people lead in the first handful of dates with their best behavior so it was likely to get worse. Also if you were indulging her moodiness then she would likely continue to manipulate you with it.

I do think your answer to her when she went off on you about the beer post was good...but also look were her mind went immediately: possessiveness, distrust and jealousy..Seriously it's a sh*tload of red flags tbh!!! It's beyond moody IMO. There are much healthier ways to deal with it. 

Live and learn.

*side note that i do think the language thing could have been overcome and/or not be an issue. And depending on her native culture, she could be behaving in a way that is more common and thus more acceptable in her culture (i definitely know of a few cultures in which a version of her behavior is more accepted). 

[FredEire]

19 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

ok so you took the route where you talked a fair amount in the two months after the first date. Maybe you just chose to ignore some of what she was saying to you or conveying to you. I think so. Hey you can't want a relationship so much so that you jump to the point where you are building a life around the person. Which is very much why you likely feel sad--it's part of the over investment. Just try to hold back a bit more and enjoy where you are with someone. I'm for multi-dating in general in the first handful of dates bc you will likely see the person more clearly and less likely to over-invest. (I get that this would have been nearly impossible in your particular situation but you could do it going forward). On another note, why would you continue to invest in someone that you believed was losing interest? That sort of points back to you wanting a gf so much that it's not really about the person but who they are in relation to you, more of a possession than a person. Try to stay aware of that. It's also why you would feel bad about a (non)relationship that ended--because it's not really about the other person, it's about YOU (ego, your hopes and dreams etc and you see them dashed bc it didn't work out with someone that you sort of had a little traction with instead of looking at the bigger picture of is this really a good person for me?)

Lol you both sound a little moody with the IG retaliation. Sort of toxic sounding TBH. Also to take it our publicly sort of says maybe you both need to get more mature. And that obviously you do not bring out the best in each other. I doubt it would get better if this is how it went over this short amount of time and something so insignificant. Remember people lead in the first handful of dates with their best behavior so it was likely to get worse. Also if you were indulging her moodiness then she would likely continue to manipulate you with it.

I do think your answer to her when she went off on you about the beer post was good...but also look were her mind went immediately: possessiveness, distrust and jealousy..Seriously it's a sh*tload of red flags tbh!!! It's beyond moody IMO. There are much healthier ways to deal with it. 

Live and learn.

*side note that i do think the language thing could have been overcome and/or not be an issue. And depending on her native culture, she could be behaving in a way that is more common and thus more acceptable in her culture (i definitely know of a few cultures in which a version of her behavior is more accepted). 

Some interesting points there, thanks.

Yeah I think maybe because I grew up around some pretty emotionally volatile women I may view it as less of a deal breaker than others or even seek it out to an extent.

Yeah for sure it was immature, I need to work or that and emotional control as well, I won't claim to be perfect. I think by the point she'd left the date so early and put up that passive aggressive post the relationship was probably dead anyway so did it out of pettiness. But the best thing is to keep calm and not let it trigger you, I know.

Yeah I don't like to generalise but she was from one of the cultures you're probably thinking of. I spent a long time agonising over whether my only serious relationship was toxic or if it was just a cultural thing, I eventually came to the conclusion it can be both, and is also the responsibility of the individual to overcome and be different.

[Versacehottie]

5 hours ago, FredEire said:

Yeah I think maybe because I grew up around some pretty emotionally volatile women I may view it as less of a deal breaker than others or even seek it out to an extent.

The bolded is what I would have guessed even before you mentioned it. Some people only feel like they are in love or thereabouts when they have the high-lows or feel like the person they are into is sort of out of reach in a way. If you grew up like that it might be normalized for you (not ok really and you should seek to deal with that) but also how you are calibrated to FEEL it. Like maybe some of the girls you liked since your breakup were nice, sweet and pretty even prettier than this one but didn't have the volatility that she did. Even if it's normalized for you...i'd say (as an outsider) it usually 90% of the time gets exhausting and if you do end up in a relationship with these traits, it's usually more trouble than it's worth in the long run...but you won't get that until you've gone through it to the bitter end. And if you don't realize what's happening, you could do all that and then just pick another person who is another version of the same thing! Talk about wasting time!!!

If you do some research on this, you will find that actually most of that push/pull or wanting someone who is just out of reach is actually a YOU thing. It really has not a lot to do with them. I say that bc you can fix it or deal with it once you understand that it's a YOU thing. And make healthier choices. I think one of the best things to keep in mind is that the right person for you typically brings out the BEST in you, most of the time. And they see the BEST in you, most of the time. If you start putting a frame around a relationship that is that...you will end up much luckier and won't be like "ppl are telling me I shouldn't like volatile but i do!"  You will see the value in it for yourself when you feel like the best version of yourself (most of the time!).

I think a lack of emotional control goes hand in hand with what you are talking about (high/lows, push/pull). It's to try to get a reaction really if you think about it. That's why it was the beginning of what I can tell would be a toxic relationship. Let's say you guys somehow made it through her little outburst and your retaliation....what do you think would happen the next time, she or you didn't like something that the other did or couldn't express yourself properly? Um yeah another sh*tshow like this!!! That's because it "worked"...you each behaved badly but came back together (in this speculative future) in spite of and because of your bad actions...what does that do? Cause more bad actions when the next situation arises. 

Girls sometimes do that stupid stuff (not to put the blame on all girls but yeah it's sort of more common and perhaps she is really immature). That said, if a guy does that, it is so emo IMO..there's no way most good, relationship-worthy girls, are going to put up with a guy who can't control himself. Right away it diminishes your perceived masculinity (sorry not super PC but I' would say it is the way it's perceived by many). It squashes the whole thing when maybe you are questioning why you would even bother with a girl that brings drama to your life (and you certainly aren't gonna ADD more drama by trying to get her to react!). I mean, act like a guy with options. I would also say if you don't react, guess what that does, is diminishes her acting out in order to get a reaction from YOU. It's a de-escalator. Anyway food for thought!Good luck

[Alpacalia]

13 hours ago, FredEire said:

Yeah the thing about me going out just felt like an effort to justify her rudeness and lack of flexibility to be honest. Me putting up a story was a bit silly but it was in reaction to her silliness.

I think I probably formed an attachment to the person I imagined she was while I was away, who clearly wasn't who she is in reality. Have to try and take my feelings with a bigger pinch of salt if something similar happens again.

Well even if the date turned out to be different, the whole thing was very rude for her to behave on the date so you probably dodged bullet there.

But I do have a specific take on this - Maybe part of you overreacted by compensating or overly trying to accommodate her when you felt she was cooling off/losing interest and taking things too seriously, and so you were trying to be super nice when she was being a bit bratty near the end letting her have her way too much on the date, which I guess only made her worse, also it's not very sexy to be 100% accommodating.

I mean you don't need to be 100% assertive when she's antagonizing and flamboyant not even meeting you half way, but you shouldn't be 100% accommodating either. If a girl has a problem because you moved around, making suggestions as an accommodation 100% of the way to her only translates into 100% of the way to witch island.

Edited November 16, 2023 by Alpacalia

[FredEire]

6 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

The bolded is what I would have guessed even before you mentioned it. Some people only feel like they are in love or thereabouts when they have the high-lows or feel like the person they are into is sort of out of reach in a way. If you grew up like that it might be normalized for you (not ok really and you should seek to deal with that) but also how you are calibrated to FEEL it. Like maybe some of the girls you liked since your breakup were nice, sweet and pretty even prettier than this one but didn't have the volatility that she did. Even if it's normalized for you...i'd say (as an outsider) it usually 90% of the time gets exhausting and if you do end up in a relationship with these traits, it's usually more trouble than it's worth in the long run...but you won't get that until you've gone through it to the bitter end. And if you don't realize what's happening, you could do all that and then just pick another person who is another version of the same thing! Talk about wasting time!!!

If you do some research on this, you will find that actually most of that push/pull or wanting someone who is just out of reach is actually a YOU thing. It really has not a lot to do with them. I say that bc you can fix it or deal with it once you understand that it's a YOU thing. And make healthier choices. I think one of the best things to keep in mind is that the right person for you typically brings out the BEST in you, most of the time. And they see the BEST in you, most of the time. If you start putting a frame around a relationship that is that...you will end up much luckier and won't be like "ppl are telling me I shouldn't like volatile but i do!"  You will see the value in it for yourself when you feel like the best version of yourself (most of the time!).

I think a lack of emotional control goes hand in hand with what you are talking about (high/lows, push/pull). It's to try to get a reaction really if you think about it. That's why it was the beginning of what I can tell would be a toxic relationship. Let's say you guys somehow made it through her little outburst and your retaliation....what do you think would happen the next time, she or you didn't like something that the other did or couldn't express yourself properly? Um yeah another sh*tshow like this!!! That's because it "worked"...you each behaved badly but came back together (in this speculative future) in spite of and because of your bad actions...what does that do? Cause more bad actions when the next situation arises. 

Girls sometimes do that stupid stuff (not to put the blame on all girls but yeah it's sort of more common and perhaps she is really immature). That said, if a guy does that, it is so emo IMO..there's no way most good, relationship-worthy girls, are going to put up with a guy who can't control himself. Right away it diminishes your perceived masculinity (sorry not super PC but I' would say it is the way it's perceived by many). It squashes the whole thing when maybe you are questioning why you would even bother with a girl that brings drama to your life (and you certainly aren't gonna ADD more drama by trying to get her to react!). I mean, act like a guy with options. I would also say if you don't react, guess what that does, is diminishes her acting out in order to get a reaction from YOU. It's a de-escalator. Anyway food for thought!Good luck

Yeah exactly, there's a couple of girls in particular I remember dating and my friends telling me I'd found a keeper. I couldn't really argue with them but I just felt nothing other than she was a cool/nice person and knew it wasn't enough and wouldn't be fair to either of us to start something serious when my heart wasn't in it.

Right it's absolutely to do with my own feelings, youre right. It was a fairly big realision for me earlier in the thread that I'd probably ended up getting feelings for a girl who existed largely just in my imagination 

And yeah all that was exactly how the cycle was with my ex, a relationship which taught me a lot but ended really painfully and I'm sure not looking to do again.

Also as you said in the last paragraph I met her when confidence was high, I was dating around not necessarily looking for anything in particular and living life on my terms. I was younger then though and I'm now getting to the point where just the act of dating and trying all over again is getting pretty tiring and frustrating.

Anyway thanks for the thoughts!

[FredEire]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Well even if the date turned out to be different, the whole thing was very rude for her to behave on the date so you probably dodged bullet there.

But I do have a specific take on this - Maybe part of you overreacted by compensating or overly trying to accommodate her when you felt she was cooling off/losing interest and taking things too seriously, and so you were trying to be super nice when she was being a bit bratty near the end letting her have her way too much on the date, which I guess only made her worse, also it's not very sexy to be 100% accommodating.

I mean you don't need to be 100% assertive when she's antagonizing and flamboyant not even meeting you half way, but you shouldn't be 100% accommodating either. If a girl has a problem because you moved around, making suggestions as an accommodation 100% of the way to her only translates into 100% of the way to witch island.

Yeah, I did get the sense that I was being a bit weak and maybe screwing it up by not being more decisive. But then it's a leap to say if I'd just insisted we go somewhere I chose and she'd calmed down it would have resulted in us having a great time.

It's always been my issue though, when I'm not in any way nervous because I'm not massively into the girl then I'm totally calm and able to manage the situation pretty well. If I'm as nervous as I was on that date then I start doing or saying things that I immediately start to thing WTF was that about. It can be hard not to beat myself up about it.

But yeah if she'd acted really nice and just texted me the next day to say the date wasnt interesting and Id prefer not to meet again, it may be more the case that I'd messed up something with potential. But she went crazy and basically cussed me out, never mind leaving after only an hour, so I'm trying to keep that in mind.

Edited November 16, 2023 by FredEire

[Els]

Dear lord I cannot stand those people who make no suggestions of their own but keep pushing the other person to suggest and then shooting everything down... and acting like a 16-yo teenager while they're at it. Massive bullet dodged, OP.

Also... a vegetarian who insists that she wants to have burgers, and then throws a fit about burger place having a picture of a cow??? What!??!? 🤣