Disaster of a Second Date

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

. But she went crazy and basically cussed me out, never mind leaving after only an hour, so I'm trying to keep that in mind.

Did you delete and block her? There's no point in carrying on after she acted like a brat on a second date.

I disagree that any particular culture has a license to act like a spoiled drama queen, but it seems more like she was attractive and that's why you put up with this nonsense.

Please ignore passive aggressive social media garbage in the future. Rise above that nonsense and don't take the bait. 

All you can do in the future is plan dates in advance regarding a specific time, place, activity, venue etc rather than running around town aimlessly scrambling for places to eat. 

Edited November 16, 2023 by Wiseman2

[FredEire]

10 minutes ago, Els said:

Dear lord I cannot stand those people who make no suggestions of their own but keep pushing the other person to suggest and then shooting everything down... and acting like a 16-yo teenager while they're at it. Massive bullet dodged, OP.

Also... a vegetarian who insists that she wants to have burgers, and then throws a fit about burger place having a picture of a cow??? What!??!? 🤣

Well she did make suggestions to go to some place quite a way out at that hour of the night and only when she was already visibly pissed off, so at that stage I felt it might not be the best idea following her out there and wanted to find a place in the city centre.

Yeah that was a bit silly. Tbf it was a place that kind of played up the meat thing and had a bit of a steakhouse vibe, and I'm a veggie too just not as militant as she was obviously. But yeah of course wherever you go they're serving people beef, regardless of the decor 😂

[FredEire]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did you delete and block her? There's no point in carrying on after she acted like a brat on a second date.

I disagree that any particular culture has a license to act like a spoiled drama queen, but it seems more like she was attractive and that's why you put up with this nonsense.

Please ignore passive aggressive social media garbage in the future. Rise above that nonsense and don't take the bait. 

All you can do in the future is plan dates in advance regarding a specific time, place, activity, venue etc rather than running around town aimlessly scrambling for places to eat. 

I didn't block her but we don't follow eachother on anything now and I doubt she'll contact me again so same difference.

Yeah we'd planned to go to a street fair and eat/drink there but it ended up being pretty boring which resulted in the uncertainty. I'll definitely have to get to know the city where I live a bit better again.

I recently moved back after 4 years and that plus the nerves meant I was struggling to think of great ideas, but there seemed to be something wrong with everything I did come up with. I actually suggested a beer and pizza place which we were right next to and I've always thought was pretty good but her answer was just "nah I don't like that place".

[Els]

14 hours ago, FredEire said:

Yeah I don't like to generalise but she was from one of the cultures you're probably thinking of. I spent a long time agonising over whether my only serious relationship was toxic or if it was just a cultural thing, I eventually came to the conclusion it can be both, and is also the responsibility of the individual to overcome and be different.

Just saw this. Yeah, I'm from one of those cultures too, and it can definitely be both. Definitely don't put up with it. There are men in those cultures who don't put up with it either, and they have no problems finding a compatible partner as long as they don't embody the negative cultural male traits at the same time. H is one of those men - he would have left halfway through that immature tantrum.

[FredEire]

14 minutes ago, Els said:

Just saw this. Yeah, I'm from one of those cultures too, and it can definitely be both. Definitely don't put up with it. There are men in those cultures who don't put up with it either, and they have no problems finding a compatible partner as long as they don't embody the negative cultural male traits at the same time. H is one of those men - he would have left halfway through that immature tantrum.

Right, I work in a language school and I'd notice that students from certain places would commonly have 2 or 3 divorces if they were 40 or over. There's a bit of a BS idea I think that you need high drama and ridiculous behaviour in the name of "passion".

Then again I'm from a culture where people stay married for decades and never even talk to eachother any more haha so it's a case of recognising the s*** behaviours that are normalised for us and choosing not to follow the trend I guess.

[Els]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

Right, I work in a language school and I'd notice that students from certain places would commonly have 2 or 3 divorces if they were 40 or over. There's a bit of a BS idea I think that you need high drama and ridiculous behaviour in the name of "passion".

Then again I'm from a culture where people stay married for decades and never even talk to eachother any more haha so it's a case of recognising the s*** behaviours that are normalised for us and choosing not to follow the trend I guess.

In my culture people typically only ever marry once in their lifetime... but it doesn't stop some of them from being full of drama, immaturity, double standards, etc.

I agree with you. I think cultural understanding and tolerance is important when it comes to behaviours that are neutral (e.g. taking off your shoes in the house), but it shouldn't ever be an excuse for negative behaviour (e.g. the behaviour that this woman demonstrated).

[ZA Dater]

I think you can view something as a disaster or you can do you best to move on from it and find something good even if its a learning experience or if you feel years later you can find the experience amusing.

One of things I have learnt lately is to try move forward from a bad experience.

 

[Versacehottie]

yeah I agree with you both about culture. It doesn't mean it's a negative thing--there can be positives and negatives.  But it would be crazy to pretend that culture doesn't impact how a person behaves. Even in the US or UK (which i'm assuming you might be from, OP), there is regional culture at times. 

The "passion" demonstration and masculine/feminine positioning are the two things that I would have been referencing. So they have positives and negatives, especially if it's a different culture from your own so you don't necessarily "play by" or understand the guidelines in which they occur. There are good things that come out of these same positioning but you have to separate the well-intentioned cultural stuff or if someone is just manipulating and it's unsustainable. Going far beyond culture, she was acting bratty and depressed and negative about stuff...that supersedes culture and can be separated out to where she just isn't a good pick for dating right now in her life.  And like Els said, guys from the same culture know how to shut it down in their own way--bc they understand the rule book more so. I've seen them let the hysterics and drama go on without reacting to it and then it's diffused...lol then everyone feels great. They both feel passion--he feels masculine and she feels feminine. What doesn't work, is the guy jumping into the fray with lowblows, blow for blow: then everyone feels bad and she feels masculine and the guy would likely feel emasculated from losing his cool.

Obviously the same works in reverse, if you are from a culture where equality is a big deal and widespread and people need to and tend to show more restraint in general, then of course that affects your perception of a situation and your relationships. Neither way is "right or wrong"--they just EXIST.

Edited November 16, 2023 by Versacehottie

[FredEire]

18 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

yeah I agree with you both about culture. It doesn't mean it's a negative thing--there can be positives and negatives.  But it would be crazy to pretend that culture doesn't impact how a person behaves. Even in the US or UK (which i'm assuming you might be from, OP), there is regional culture at times. 

The "passion" demonstration and masculine/feminine positioning are the two things that I would have been referencing. So they have positives and negatives, especially if it's a different culture from your own so you don't necessarily "play by" or understand the guidelines in which they occur. There are good things that come out of these same positioning but you have to separate the well-intentioned cultural stuff or if someone is just manipulating and it's unsustainable. Going far beyond culture, she was acting bratty and depressed and negative about stuff...that supersedes culture and can be separated out to where she just isn't a good pick for dating right now in her life.  And like Els said, guys from the same culture know how to shut it down in their own way--bc they understand the rule book more so. I've seen them let the hysterics and drama go on without reacting to it and then it's diffused...lol then everyone feels great. They both feel passion--he feels masculine and she feels feminine. What doesn't work, is the guy jumping into the fray with lowblows, blow for blow: then everyone feels bad and she feels masculine and the guy would likely feel emasculated from losing his cool.

Obviously the same works in reverse, if you are from a culture where equality is a big deal and widespread and people need to and tend to show more restraint in general, then of course that affects your perception of a situation and your relationships. Neither way is "right or wrong"--they just EXIST.

Im not from either of those quite haha but very close to it yeah. We have a colder approach in general.

I don't know I've dated a few girls from the same culture as her so I think I have a better idea how it works than most guys from my country.

I don't think I necessarily reacted to anything or got annoyed up until the point she left and then posted that story on her Instagram, and I reacted because at that point I didn't feel much more was going to come out of it as the whole thing had just become too negative, but I know even then I shouldn't have done anything.

Frankly I've never been walked out on on a date before or had that kind of reaction afterwards, there's plenty of girls I've dated where I wasn't as into them and I would have just laughed at that behaviour, but the fact I'd built up feelings just makes it hurt that it turned out that way.

Anyway it's probably not healthy to feel about what I could have done "right" or "wrong" or where I "failed", I sometimes feel it's a bit hard to catch feelings as it leaves me weaker and more irrational and more likely to have experiences like this, I don't really want to think feelings = mind games and being constantly on my guard, but that's often the experience I've personally had.

 

[Versacehottie]

1 minute ago, FredEire said:

Im not from either of those quite haha but very close to it yeah.

Lol I was only guessing UK (not US)...bc of your use of the word and spelling city centre....

 

2 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I sometimes feel it's a bit hard to catch feelings as it leaves me weaker and more irrational and more likely to have experiences like this, I don't really want to think feelings = mind games and being constantly on my guard, but that's often the experience I've personally had.

that's like sunk cost fallacy and scarcity mindset. You don't need to read anything about it from a dating coach perspective, you can read about it from a business perspective and the same principles apply. But yeah try not to do that. ie wanting your "investment" to pay off so you keep throwing away good money after bad...ie the person shows you they are a bad choice for a partner but you want to keep investing bc you are ALREADY invested and want your investment to come to fruition; simultaneously you have a belief system where you find dating unenjoyable and a belief that you find it hard to make a connection, ie harder than the average person so you elevate a person and overvalue them bc of these belief limitations. 

Reality is that the right person for anyone probably isn't that easy to find, especially if you are looking for a serious or lifelong partner. It takes a lot to be that person to fit into anyones life. You aren't special or different in this regard. And that belief is leading you astray. It's also evident from the way you said in a previous post that you get nervous when you are around someone you like and not when you are just dating and think it won't go anywhere. That's because you've already overvalued it!!! you are jumping to the end. Pre-determining that THIS is your person and you can't f*ck it up. It, in your case, was only date two....there is a lot to learn between date 2 and I want to be in a relationship with this person or I want to settle down with this person. Also think about if you weight the importance of any date too highly bc of your ongoing (flawed) beliefs you are more likely to get nervous and self-sabotage the very thing you are desperate to have go well!!! 

[FredEire]

11 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Lol I was only guessing UK (not US)...bc of your use of the word and spelling city centre....

 

that's like sunk cost fallacy and scarcity mindset. You don't need to read anything about it from a dating coach perspective, you can read about it from a business perspective and the same principles apply. But yeah try not to do that. ie wanting your "investment" to pay off so you keep throwing away good money after bad...ie the person shows you they are a bad choice for a partner but you want to keep investing bc you are ALREADY invested and want your investment to come to fruition; simultaneously you have a belief system where you find dating unenjoyable and a belief that you find it hard to make a connection, ie harder than the average person so you elevate a person and overvalue them bc of these belief limitations. 

Reality is that the right person for anyone probably isn't that easy to find, especially if you are looking for a serious or lifelong partner. It takes a lot to be that person to fit into anyones life. You aren't special or different in this regard. And that belief is leading you astray. It's also evident from the way you said in a previous post that you get nervous when you are around someone you like and not when you are just dating and think it won't go anywhere. That's because you've already overvalued it!!! you are jumping to the end. Pre-determining that THIS is your person and you can't f*ck it up. It, in your case, was only date two....there is a lot to learn between date 2 and I want to be in a relationship with this person or I want to settle down with this person. Also think about if you weight the importance of any date too highly bc of your ongoing (flawed) beliefs you are more likely to get nervous and self-sabotage the very thing you are desperate to have go well!!! 

Haha yeah well you're more or less right on where I'm from 😂

For sure, think there's a lot of a validity to what you've said there. All thoughts that have been through my head many times including in my previous dating life and in the process of talking to this girl.

Unfortunately I find knowing things in theory and how you end up feeling and acting in practice can be very different. I broke up with my ex twice and the first time one of my good friends advised me not to go back, "once it's broken it's hard to fix it" etc. He subsequently went out with a girl he broke up and made up with something like 15 times 😂

I suppose trying to find an abundance mindset as in believing it's not actually so hard to meet people I'm genuinely attracted to, will help. I've just found it quite hard to achieve a different mindset

[Versacehottie]

5 hours ago, FredEire said:

I suppose trying to find an abundance mindset as in believing it's not actually so hard to meet people I'm genuinely attracted to, will help. I've just found it quite hard to achieve a different mindset

I think the easiest (and strongest) place to start when you're trying to change a mindset or belief system is to adopt this: "i will be fine no matter what".  See how that turns the responsibility and stregthn back inward with belief in yourself and your strong suits. It's sort of the ultimate abundance mindset. 

Whereas if you make it as narrow as:  "it's not actually so hard to meet people I'm genuinely attracted to", you might come up against evidence when dating that actually disputes that such as when you AREN'T attracted to the 1st, 2nd, 5th, 10th person. That's an outward representation of what you are looking for and relies also on exterior events to make it come to fruition. It's not totally bad but more easily challenged.  If you adopt the mindset , things will be fine and work out no matter what, it's easier to weather bad dates 1-10, a dry spell a breakup, etc. You rely on yourself which should also be motivating to yourself. And help you keep a clearer head when trying to navigate dating and relationships.

[Wiseman2]

On 11/14/2023 at 5:52 PM, FredEire said:

A couple of months ago I met a girl I really liked. Seemed sweet, funny and very pretty 

If she weren't "very pretty" would you have tolerated this bratty diva behavior regardless of culture? 

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

If she weren't "very pretty" would you have tolerated this bratty diva behavior regardless of culture? 

It's a good point you make. I've dated other girls from a similar part of the world who started to get a bit silly but because I felt a lot less of a connection (and in a couple of cases they were as or more physically attractive than the girl in this thread) I entertained it a lot less and the end result was usually their attraction toward me increased, trying to change my cold approach to their drama. It's a bit of a weird paradox.

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

I think the easiest (and strongest) place to start when you're trying to change a mindset or belief system is to adopt this: "i will be fine no matter what".  See how that turns the responsibility and stregthn back inward with belief in yourself and your strong suits. It's sort of the ultimate abundance mindset. 

Whereas if you make it as narrow as:  "it's not actually so hard to meet people I'm genuinely attracted to", you might come up against evidence when dating that actually disputes that such as when you AREN'T attracted to the 1st, 2nd, 5th, 10th person. That's an outward representation of what you are looking for and relies also on exterior events to make it come to fruition. It's not totally bad but more easily challenged.  If you adopt the mindset , things will be fine and work out no matter what, it's easier to weather bad dates 1-10, a dry spell a breakup, etc. You rely on yourself which should also be motivating to yourself. And help you keep a clearer head when trying to navigate dating and relationships.

That's a great post and quite profound actually, thank you. Yeah a belief that you're on the right path no matter what setbacks appear seems like a very healthy way to approach things. Its not really based on anything but then again neither is thinking I'm screwed and I'll never meet anyone I love. We can't see the future so it's kind of up to us to create the path ahead of us.

[ZA Dater]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If she weren't "very pretty" would you have tolerated this bratty diva behavior regardless of culture? 

This always a problem, how much should a person tolerate. Its also difficult shrug off this sort of behavior but perhaps the lesson here is to not be blinded by physical attraction.

[Versacehottie]

18 hours ago, FredEire said:

Its not really based on anything but then again neither is thinking I'm screwed and I'll never meet anyone I love. We can't see the future so it's kind of up to us to create the path ahead of us.

thanks! it you do a little bit of research into how positive mindsets (not just thinking positive but self-reliant ones where you accept responsibility for the creation of your life, the way it unfolds), you will find that what research has found is that it's a self-fulfilling prophecy...

A good example is that someone who goes into a date like your own might overly place value on the outcome of the date (looking toward exterior circumstances to "take care of life for them" ie a gf will make me happy or the love of this person will fulfill me...so with sort of stressing about the date as well as a negative mindset about your life, what happens to you, what will happen to you, how much of it is in your control etc. Usually the stress and fretting causes you to "mess up" that date or come off as not your best self, and "mess up" the date. You said it yourself, when you are less worried about a date, because you are sort of lukewarm about the girl, you sort of breeze through it. That is because you aren't worried about the outcome of the date--YOU KNOW YOU WILL BE FINE NO MATTER WHAT (in this case even without the positive mindset but a de facto one bc you aren't convinced you NEED this person). I'm not explaining it the best today but yeah try to check it out. 

Whatever evidence your mind sort of searches for in life, it will find. So simply changing your mindset to "things go well for me; I can handle whatever comes my way", your mind seeks the evidence that backs that up. If your underlying belief system is "it's hard for me to find someone to date" which the deeper meaning is usually, "i'm worried I'm not lovable, nothing ever goes my way or I'm not enough". your mind seeks to find (and will create life circumstances!) that support that belief.  Good luck

[FredEire]

14 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

thanks! it you do a little bit of research into how positive mindsets (not just thinking positive but self-reliant ones where you accept responsibility for the creation of your life, the way it unfolds), you will find that what research has found is that it's a self-fulfilling prophecy...

A good example is that someone who goes into a date like your own might overly place value on the outcome of the date (looking toward exterior circumstances to "take care of life for them" ie a gf will make me happy or the love of this person will fulfill me...so with sort of stressing about the date as well as a negative mindset about your life, what happens to you, what will happen to you, how much of it is in your control etc. Usually the stress and fretting causes you to "mess up" that date or come off as not your best self, and "mess up" the date. You said it yourself, when you are less worried about a date, because you are sort of lukewarm about the girl, you sort of breeze through it. That is because you aren't worried about the outcome of the date--YOU KNOW YOU WILL BE FINE NO MATTER WHAT (in this case even without the positive mindset but a de facto one bc you aren't convinced you NEED this person). I'm not explaining it the best today but yeah try to check it out. 

Whatever evidence your mind sort of searches for in life, it will find. So simply changing your mindset to "things go well for me; I can handle whatever comes my way", your mind seeks the evidence that backs that up. If your underlying belief system is "it's hard for me to find someone to date" which the deeper meaning is usually, "i'm worried I'm not lovable, nothing ever goes my way or I'm not enough". your mind seeks to find (and will create life circumstances!) that support that belief.  Good luck

Hmm right, interesting. I'll definitely try and research it more.

I definitely struggle with self-criticism in the aftermath of things like this as well, as in if I feel I messed something up that I cared about even if there was bad behaviour on the part of the other person I'd take it all on myself, judging that the fact I'd over-thought the whole thing caused that behaviour, and if I had just been able to relax and be natural it would have gone a lot better and they wouldn't have acted that way.

Anyway, it's an interesting way of looking at things for sure.

Edited November 17, 2023 by FredEire

[basil67]

On 11/16/2023 at 9:55 PM, FredEire said:

Yeah we'd planned to go to a street fair and eat/drink there but it ended up being pretty boring which resulted in the uncertainty. I'll definitely have to get to know the city where I live a bit better again.

The problems here were not created because the fair was boring and that you didn't know the city.  The problem was that she was rude, demanding and entitled.

It's when plans go awry that we get to see the true character of the person we are with....it's all about how they deal with adversity.  If she'd worked with you as a team to find something else, the date could have had a really positive outcome.  At the very least, the two of you could have found a space to sit, pulled out your phones and sat searching for something else local and suggesting ideas to each other.  

For what it's worth, one of the best dates I even had with my husband was a disastrous Valentines dinner where the chef didn't turn up and the poor waitstaff tried to do it themselves.  Most of the restaurant ended up leaving unfed after an hour or two, but not before having funny discussions with other patrons there.  The table next to us were considering ordering a pizza delivery!  That was many years ago now, but it shows that a positive attitude from each party can turn disaster to fun (as long as nobody gets hurt!)

For your next date, let it be known in general discussion that you're new to the city.  That way, if you turn up to something and it's not good, it won't be your fault.   If a woman expects more than that from a newby...or won't work with you to repair the evening, consider it a bullet dodged.

[FredEire]

36 minutes ago, basil67 said:

The problems here were not created because the fair was boring and that you didn't know the city.  The problem was that she was rude, demanding and entitled.

It's when plans go awry that we get to see the true character of the person we are with....it's all about how they deal with adversity.  If she'd worked with you as a team to find something else, the date could have had a really positive outcome.  At the very least, the two of you could have found a space to sit, pulled out your phones and sat searching for something else local and suggesting ideas to each other.  

For what it's worth, one of the best dates I even had with my husband was a disastrous Valentines dinner where the chef didn't turn up and the poor waitstaff tried to do it themselves.  Most of the restaurant ended up leaving unfed after an hour or two, but not before having funny discussions with other patrons there.  The table next to us were considering ordering a pizza delivery!  That was many years ago now, but it shows that a positive attitude from each party can turn disaster to fun (as long as nobody gets hurt!)

For your next date, let it be known in general discussion that you're new to the city.  That way, if you turn up to something and it's not good, it won't be your fault.   If a woman expects more than that from a newby...or won't work with you to repair the evening, consider it a bullet dodged.

I mean my family is from the city and I had lived there for several years, but hadn't been there long term for quite a while and I wasn't so into gastro-pub type places as a guy in his early 20s. If you sat me down now and asked me to name a few spots I probably could but I was feeling pressured and just drew a bit of a blank.

It did seem like it was headed toward conflict from when we got to the street fair onwards. For example when I was struggling to understand her because of her accent and soft speaking voice, maybe other girls might have found it cute but she got pissed off and withdrawn.

I actually got a similar feeling on our first date where I was also being a bit indecisive on where to get food but we managed to find a burrito place and the date was pretty good from then on, which kind of made me think s*** if we'd gone somewhere quicker it would have worked out ok. But I guess these things always reveal themselves with time so even if that were true it might come out some other way.

May have just been an accident waiting to happen, my over-expectation and nerves plus her general bad humour carried over from arguments with her friends and god knows what else, combining to create a shitstorm. May not necessarily mean it would have gone much better if one of us had been in better form on the day, especially in the longer term.

Edited November 17, 2023 by FredEire

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, FredEire said:

actually got a similar feeling on our first date where I was also being a bit indecisive on where to get food but we managed to find a burrito place and the date was pretty good from then on, which kind of made me think s*** if we'd gone somewhere quicker it would have worked out ok. But I guess these things always reveal themselves with time so even if that were true it might come out some other way.

If you'd have found something quicker, you wouldn't have seen the signs of her being entitled. 

Again, going back to the things from my past with my husband, wandering down a high street on a Friday night after work, trying to decide where to eat is one of the memories we treasure.  If you're on a date and something happens where you have to wing it, you want someone who can work with you to find a solution.  Not someone who gets stroppy and rude

[FredEire]

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If you'd have found something quicker, you wouldn't have seen the signs of her being entitled. 

Again, going back to the things from my past with my husband, wandering down a high street on a Friday night after work, trying to decide where to eat is one of the memories we treasure.  If you're on a date and something happens where you have to wing it, you want someone who can work with you to find a solution.  Not someone who gets stroppy and rude

Right, that's a good point.

One take a friend gave me on it is that when it works it works, and you can't truly "mess up" a date unless you do something like get extremely drunk or do something sexually inappropriate. Otherwise it's just lack of compatibility which can't be helped.

I'm still not sure if I'm more attracted to girls who are bad for me, manifesting negative outcomes or a bit of both.

I remember the first girl I ever had feelings for in college literally ran away from me on the street for no apparent reason on the way to classes, after she'd confessed to having feelings for me also and wanting to be exclusive the previous night 😂

Years later I heard everyone had realised she was a massive tool and fallen out with her as well, so it definitely could be some sort of long term pattern.

Edited November 17, 2023 by FredEire

[basil67]

21 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I'm still not sure if I'm more attracted to girls who are bad for me, manifesting negative outcomes or a bit of both.

Aside from the girl in college who ran away and this current topic, what experiences do you have to make you say that you're attracted to girls who are bad for you?  Also, I'm not sure what you mean by "bad for you"   

Edited November 17, 2023 by basil67

[FredEire]

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Aside from the girl in college who ran away and this current topic, what experiences do you have to make you say that you're attracted to girls who are bad for you?   

 

It just seems to be a general theme with girls I particularly like. I've only had one serious ex but was told by people close to me they got a seriously bad vibe off her early on and in the end it turned out she'd lied about a 7-year age gap for 6 months and only told me because I saw her passport, while constantly accusing me of wanting to leave her, going through my phone looking for chats with other girls etc.

Apart from that there's been a few other things that always seem to end in some kind of conflict or argument, a girl who'd only meet up with me in a group of friends and never wanted to go on a date with just the two of us, then got upset with me one night and said we shouldn't see eachother again because she didn't want to be with me in front of her friends.

Apart from that I've had quite a lot of things where I've seen a girl for a while, had pretty lukewarm feelings while loads of friends have told me this girls and keeper etc, and ultimately she told me she wanted us to be an item but I had to let her down gently because I didn't want to engage in a relationship I'm only half into.

I have talked to someone about it and "fear of intimacy" is the phrase which most commonly comes up, both in myself and the girl I have feelings for, but that phrase coming up hasn't helped me all that much in a practical sense as consciously at least I don't feel I can particularly control who I start to fall for and when.

Really in my lifetime my ex of 9 months was the only time the spark was mutual and something really got off the ground, and even at that it was pretty short lived. It gets pretty sad and frustrating because ever time I meet someone I feel a strong connection with which is really quite rare my mind goes to "how is this going to blow up on me". As others have mentioned in the thread it can end up a self-fulfilling prophecy, I just seem to find it hard to decode what's really going on so I can work on changing it.

Edited November 17, 2023 by FredEire

[FredEire]

By "bad for me" I mean unlikely to lead to any kind of stable mutually healthy relationship, or in many cases such as this one lead to a relationship at all haha.