Met someone great

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I think you misinterpeted the situation from the beginning.

She is not romantically interested, interested women don't wait days to reply.

You counting on alcohol as a tool to assist you in winning the girl over is really really creppy!!

Let go of the idea you can win this one over. You're wasting your time on the wrong woman.

Maybe true. In my world there are almost no people I find attractive so this time I decided to find as much confidence as I could.

The combination of appearance and intelligence is very attractive, she also has no kids which is good, career focused was the nice hobbies and interests. Hard to let that possibility go especially because the intellectual engagement is so good.

I'll try keep confident.

[basil67]

55 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Like a friend keeps saying which actually irritates me " just be their friend", has this ever been a viable option for anyone here? As you know it's never worked for me.

I don't think that anyone means that you should become their best friend and go out weekly.  But when this is someone you know through work, what's wrong with continuing to casually socialise with them as you always have done?  Or to do a mutual interest together now and then?   

I actually asked my husband's advice before writing. He said that he's known women through work who he was interested in, and when nothing came of it, he just continued being the same mate he's always been.  I've done the same with men who I've been interested in and nothing came of it.  Assuming you weren't trying to be best friends, I don't know why it wouldn't have worked for you.  

[SurfCity]

Is this woman age appropriate for you? 

On 11/21/2023 at 12:09 AM, ZA Dater said:

"I know the best pizza place"

Her: "yes, where is that, tell me more"

Me: "sure I'll show you sometime soon"

Her reaction was to laugh and smile

Are you always so evasive/vague? Do you see how your response killed the conversation? You sounded like you were lying. Were you following internet advice that tells you to not talk a lot in order to build mystery/intrigue? 

You should've told her what's great about this place, what type of pizza you had when you were there, a funny story about when you were there, or how you found out about it in the first place. Then if she expressed interest you could've asked her for a date to go there.

Try not to follow what these internet/podcast experts say; they're the blind leading the blind. 

Edited November 25, 2023 by SurfCity

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, SurfCity said:

Is this woman age appropriate for you? 

Are you always so evasive/vague? Do you see how your response killed the conversation? You sounded like you were lying. Were you following internet advice that tells you to not talk a lot in order to build mystery/intrigue? 

You should've told her what's great about this place, what type of pizza you had when you were there, a funny story about when you were there, or how you found out about it in the first place. Then if she expressed interest you could've asked her for a date to go there.

Try not to follow what these internet/podcast experts say; they're the blind leading the blind. 

To be honest I have to take the advice I can get in various videos and try make sense of it. This pizza related concession was as we were leaving the coffee shop and greeting.

She is two years older than me.

Who should I follow?

[Wiseman2]

On 11/21/2023 at 3:09 AM, ZA Dater said:

.My Italian restaurant idea did not go that well, however she started talking about pizza and my response was

"I know the best pizza place"

Her: "yes, where is that, tell me more"

Me: "sure I'll show you sometime soon"

If you are still remotely interested. Please just ask her out on a real date and please try to bypass this teasing banter. Perhaps focus less on cheeky remarks and try to be sincere. 

[ZA Dater]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you are still remotely interested. Please just ask her out on a real date and please try to bypass this teasing banter. Perhaps focus less on cheeky remarks and try to be sincere. 

Again I suppose the manual had yet to be written for this. I was sincere, everyone seems to suggest banter is good. I suppose for stupid people like me it's a case of not ever saying the correct thing 😂

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

. I was sincere, everyone seems to suggest banter is good.

Not really. It can come off the wrong way such as in this case. Rather than asking her out you tell her a story about you'll show her sometime. Perhaps you're still afraid to date so using these sidestepping tactics avoids that? 

[ZA Dater]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Not really. It can come off the wrong way such as in this case. Rather than asking her out you tell her a story about you'll show her sometime. Perhaps you're still afraid to date so using these sidestepping tactics avoids that? 

Not really I do actually want to establish if someone is interested. Based on the lack of communication I suspect a lack of interest at anything other than my network.

[semble]

Since you want to establish that she's interested (or not) and you are trying to be confident, then change it up.

Rather than "I'll show you the restaurant soon" make it "let's do it next Saturday, how about 7 pm?".  Her answer will tell you more than a lifetime of guesses and vague hints. You don't need a users manual for this.

 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, semble said:

Since you want to establish that she's interested (or not) and you are trying to be confident, then change it up.

Rather than "I'll show you the restaurant soon" make it "let's do it next Saturday, how about 7 pm?".  Her answer will tell you more than a lifetime of guesses and vague hints. You don't need a users manual for this.

 

Have to decide, the lack of communication suggests a lack of interest. I think that's a reasonably assumption to make. My standard thought process now is to just walk away, keep everything business and wonder how I ever thought I could actually date someone I actually like.

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, semble said:

Since you want to establish that she's interested (or not) and you are trying to be confident, then change it up.

Rather than "I'll show you the restaurant soon" make it "let's do it next Saturday, how about 7 pm?".  Her answer will tell you more than a lifetime of guesses and vague hints. You don't need a users manual for this.

 

To a large degree this is true but its quite difficult to muster up that much confidence given as much as I try, shaking off years of rejection is not that easy! I wanted to gauge whether she was interested in me or interested in my network and its seemingly the latter which to be fair is not much of a surprise and something I knew would be a risk from the outset. 

Most of the people around me tend to look at my dating attempts with the view "well its OK if she does not like you that way, just be her friend" my read into this is "well she wont like you I know that but try anyway but look just be her friend". Thing is these are never really "friends" they have a particular use for me and the entire "friendship" becomes restricted to that, a proper friend would meet up for coffee or do lunch or whatever, these "friendships" I have got involved in more revolve around me being "useful" and that would be that. On the basis of advice here I want to avoid these going forward because I have come to realise they are very unhealthy for me. 

Of course the reality is and some will not like this but maybe I should go out and ask for a date like you suggest, my hesitancy is based on she is only recently single, maybe timing is off and the view that she would need to weigh up my 'value" in terms of contacts with the lack of attraction she may have toward me. I think if I did get said date I could find enough confidence to actually make it a nice evening. Other tricky thing is she has agreed to join me and some other people she has met before for breakfast and I am effectively her "invite". 

I think in life there are many options, we do not get to always choose the situations were land up in but to some degree we can control how we react to them, this is what I am trying to do with dating. 

[ZA Dater]

23 hours ago, basil67 said:

I don't think that anyone means that you should become their best friend and go out weekly.  But when this is someone you know through work, what's wrong with continuing to casually socialise with them as you always have done?  Or to do a mutual interest together now and then?   

I actually asked my husband's advice before writing. He said that he's known women through work who he was interested in, and when nothing came of it, he just continued being the same mate he's always been.  I've done the same with men who I've been interested in and nothing came of it.  Assuming you weren't trying to be best friends, I don't know why it wouldn't have worked for you.  

Thing is we don't work in the same office or do the same type of job, however my network of contacts would be very helpful to her.

I actually want more than friends so accepting just friends will not work for me as it never has with people I find attractive all I get is a front row seat to compare myself to whoever is lucky enough to date them and that's not a nice feeling. Add to which they actually want to be friends, they want whatever I can offer with offering little in return barring knowing I find them attractive and giving me just enough attention to keep that idea alive in my mind.

For me I want to avoid this because again it doesn't make me feel good.

Banter with her does make me feel good by why wouldn't it, she is very attractive and smart, has no kids, great career. I can fake confidence but can whatever confidence I can find make up for a lack of attraction? 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Add to which they actually want to be friends, they want whatever I can offer with offering little in return barring knowing I find them attractive and giving me just enough attention to keep that idea alive in my mind.

The bolded isn't the definition of a friend

[ZA Dater]

23 minutes ago, basil67 said:

The bolded isn't the definition of a friend

Exactly my point. I'll see what happens this week, no communication and I'll know where I stand. To be honest I think there is no dating interest at all, which is unfortunate but it's also life. When I am already being steered by a close friend " well even if she doesn't want to date her be her friend" I sort of know he knows I have zero chance and he knows her quite well.

All I can do is just find positive and do my best to find some confidence.

 

[Weezy1973]

On 11/24/2023 at 8:04 PM, ZA Dater said:

Like a friend keeps saying which actually irritates me " just be their friend", has this ever been a viable option for anyone here? As you know it's never worked for me.

No, if you’re romantically interested in someone, and they don’t see you that way, being their friend won’t “work”. It will just put you back into that fantasy world and thinking “what if”. And ultimately lower your confidence as you see her date other men etc.

 

[Alpacalia]

On 11/24/2023 at 8:04 PM, ZA Dater said:

Like a friend keeps saying which actually irritates me " just be their friend", has this ever been a viable option for anyone here? As you know it's never worked for me.

If it's never worked for you then don't even go there.

People have a habit of saying things which apply to them and have no bearing on you.

It takes a very strong, selfless and confident person to want to just be friends with someone who they were attracted to like that that doesn't reciprocate their feelings. Most people might say or even think that they're "ok" with it but realistically 99% of the time they'd be ultimately hoping for them to feel the same way. I don't really think anyone should put themselves through that if it's easier just trying to get over someone.

Edited November 26, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ZA Dater]

13 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

No, if you’re romantically interested in someone, and they don’t see you that way, being their friend won’t “work”. It will just put you back into that fantasy world and thinking “what if”. And ultimately lower your confidence as you see her date other men etc.

 

Yip it's irritating that this keeps being suggested as a "solution" of sorts and I agree with you, I cannot go down that road again.

Something amusing was a dinner I went to a while ago where a friend of mine was adamant his gfs best friend was "perfect" for me, within two minutes I had no interest and no attraction, primarily because she spoke so poorly and there was just no common ground at all.

Bottom line here was what he thought was "perfect" for me was not what I like.

Has anyone here actually had friends set them up with people they actually found attractive?

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Has anyone here actually had friends set them up with people they actually found attractive?

I have. He was tall, handsome, built and had this quirkiness about him that drew me in. His energy was this quiet, calm confident level that bounces out from behind his pretty smile. He had this way of looking at me that made me feel like I was the only person in the room and it pierced my soul.

Beneath his calm exterior, he had this fire and passion for life that was contagious. He was ambitious and driven, always pushing himself to be better and achieve more.

Overall, I found myself wanting to be around him more and more.

Sorry you haven't had the same experience. But maybe if you network a bit more or shake yourself out of your shell more you will meet somebody you can say this about

[Weezy1973]

14 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Has anyone here actually had friends set them up with people they actually found attractive?

Not me personally, but I never asked them to set me up. I did have a friend who was single in her late 20s and was looking for something serious. She said she would give any of us (her friends) $50 if they set her up with someone that she went on at least three dates. A couple of my friends set her up with a classmate of theirs and 20+ years later they’re still married with a couple of kids. 

[ZA Dater]

17 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I have. He was tall, handsome, built and had this quirkiness about him that drew me in. His energy was this quiet, calm confident level that bounces out from behind his pretty smile. He had this way of looking at me that made me feel like I was the only person in the room and it pierced my soul.

Beneath his calm exterior, he had this fire and passion for life that was contagious. He was ambitious and driven, always pushing himself to be better and achieve more.

Overall, I found myself wanting to be around him more and more.

Sorry you haven't had the same experience. But maybe if you network a bit more or shake yourself out of your shell more you will meet somebody you can say this about

Glad that there are some good experiences. If need be I'll just keep going about my life, would be nice to have someone to share things with but it's not a right or a basic human need either.

I pretty much know what I am looking for at least and what I absolutely do not want so I guess that helps

I have met people like you describe, not one was interested in me.

[semble]

On 11/25/2023 at 3:01 PM, ZA Dater said:

To a large degree this is true but its quite difficult to muster up that much confidence given as much as I try, shaking off years of rejection is not that easy! I wanted to gauge whether she was interested in me or interested in my network and its seemingly the latter which to be fair is not much of a surprise and something I knew would be a risk from the outset. 

Most of the people around me tend to look at my dating attempts with the view "well its OK if she does not like you that way, just be her friend" my read into this is "well she wont like you I know that but try anyway but look just be her friend". Thing is these are never really "friends" they have a particular use for me and the entire "friendship" becomes restricted to that, a proper friend would meet up for coffee or do lunch or whatever, these "friendships" I have got involved in more revolve around me being "useful" and that would be that. On the basis of advice here I want to avoid these going forward because I have come to realise they are very unhealthy for me. 

Of course the reality is and some will not like this but maybe I should go out and ask for a date like you suggest, my hesitancy is based on she is only recently single, maybe timing is off and the view that she would need to weigh up my 'value" in terms of contacts with the lack of attraction she may have toward me. I think if I did get said date I could find enough confidence to actually make it a nice evening. Other tricky thing is she has agreed to join me and some other people she has met before for breakfast and I am effectively her "invite". 

I think in life there are many options, we do not get to always choose the situations were land up in but to some degree we can control how we react to them, this is what I am trying to do with dating. 

I advised you to ask her directly for a date rather than making vague suggestions. You responded, twice and said "yes to a large degree it's true" and "It's difficult to muster up the confidence" and in your other reply you said you'll just "walk away because no one you want to date feels the same" or words to that effect. Then you added a bunch of irrelevant crap that has nothing to do with anything I said.

Let's be direct and honest here. Your self defeating attitude,  coupled with your rigid and inflexible attitude and unwillingness to do anything differently is your worst enemy.

 

 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, semble said:

 

Let's be direct and honest here. Your self defeating attitude,  coupled with your rigid and inflexible attitude and unwillingness to do anything differently is your worst enemy.

 

 

My general lack of attraction is another fundamental problem too. Someone who takes days to respond is unfortunately clearly not interested.

Not sure where rigid and inflexible come from, for once I met someone I enjoyed spending time with, opened up a lot more than usual. Actually tried to project some confidence. Overall there are things I can be pleased about.

 

[Alpacalia]

13 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Glad that there are some good experiences. If need be I'll just keep going about my life, would be nice to have someone to share things with but it's not a right or a basic human need either.

I pretty much know what I am looking for at least and what I absolutely do not want so I guess that helps

I have met people like you describe, not one was interested in me.

Awe, its hard finding just the right person that fit you and your personality. I am really hoping that good things happens for you.

Edited November 27, 2023 by Alpacalia

[semble]

6 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Not sure where rigid and inflexible come from

It comes from you saying that you have such a severe lack of confidence that you can't even ask a girl that you've been in regular communication with for a freaking DATE.

 

[ZA Dater]

18 minutes ago, semble said:

It comes from you saying that you have such a severe lack of confidence that you can't even ask a girl that you've been in regular communication with for a freaking DATE.

 

I would hardly say regular communication no. Well 4 days later I got a response but again very generic so I think I am just going to go the friend zone route here.