Could it be jealousy?

[Bellsnshells]

Recently I lost a few friends. 

Friend #1: She bought me tickets to a concert and I realised I already committed to go with E. E and I have "secret dates" where we book in something we know each other would like and don't tell what it is. It was the same night and since we live in a smaller city I figured it might be the same event. I told #1 that I double booked but I could check with E and if it is the same thing we could all go together and we just need to find one more person. I didn't want to tell E that I double booked her, because it would show I forgot about her, but I told friend #1. Friend #1 found another friend to bring but didn't talk to me at the concert and left without saying good bye. This has been a month and she hasn't listened or read my messages on messenger and via text declined two meetups with no followup. I was thinking maybe #1 didn't like that I lied to E?

Friend#2: We went out last Friday and haven't seen each other for ages. Talked about heaps of stuff and had a few drinks I think we had a fun night. The Palestine conflict came up and I told her I set up a donation to the Doctors without borders and that I just can't look at what is happening there on a daily basis because I have a 2 year old son and when I see children dying I just get really upset. On the other hand she has been following things closely. A few days later I got attacked by her via chat late in the evening. I basically stop looking at my phone at 8ish but I needed to check something and got sucked into this argument about how I am white privileged person and can't look away from genocide. That I need top open my heart and let it be shattered. I told her I need to watch my own boundaries and kept defending myself without attacking her back. At the end (and being a taurus my patience is super long) I told her to get f* because as my mother committed suicide when I was 14 I need to watch how far I go into things that upset me. I have a system of boundaries to keep stuff away from me in order to function. And then she realised she crossed the line and apologised and said she will give me space. Thing is though I found the way she communicated with me with cutting and pasting social media posts and not listening to me or having any empathy so offensive. What made her feel that it is ok to go this far?

Friend #3: She started hanging out with friend #2 and other girls and started forgetting to invite me to their catch-ups and when I left her a voicemail crying after being attacked by my friend #2 she said friend #2 is in a bad place and she better checks on her. Two days since and she hasn't checked on me. We have been friends for 8 years and the last few years she has been super busy to have much time with me. I always give her space and generally jump when she has time to catch up. Note, Friend #2 and #3 has been seeing each other plenty the last few months.

So my husband said that generally I am a very strong person. And that friend #3 is probably worried about #2 because she knows I am ok. Hm. 

When I was talking about all this with E yesterday she pointed out that all these people are giving me a hard time or dropping me due to such menial things that friendships should easily arch over. And today I though what if all these people think I have everything and my world won't crumble it they step out of if. What if they have resentment? 

Basically I have an amazing husband and we support each other, bringing up our kid together, we have sex regularly we own our house and we are not rich but we have creative jobs, working part time so we have time to actually live, I dunno we are happy. And let me tell you this has not come easy to me. No single part of this life was something that just fell on my lap. When I think of my friends, in many facets of their lives I know they are struggling. And I am always available to listen but lately there has been no time. 

Also, it is quite possible that the answer is way more boring. Maybe I am just no fun. That really could be it, because I find all friend #1 #2 and #3 really fun and maybe I am too much of that living in my head kind of person. So grateful to have E, and so many other great friends but they live on another continent. 

So thanks for reading this, I would appreciate some insight. 

Edited November 16, 2023 by Bellsnshells
spelling

[glows]

#1 Not sure here what you mean she bought you tickets. Why would she buy tickets for you if you hadn’t agreed to go much earlier with her? Just curious here. 

I didn’t understand the secret dates thing until later down in the post where you mention you’re happily married with a H and have a child. I thought you were secretly dating E romantically. Why does E have preference over #1? You could have told E that you double booked and gone with #1. She might have been very upset that you chose E and these “secret dates” over her. Unless I’m missing something if sounds like she’s just turned off and doesn’t want to talk to you or plan any more outings because she may get her hopes up and then things don’t work out because of E and this system you guys have that take precedence over other friends. 

#2 What could she be going through, do you know? Has she lost loved ones? She took out her anger and pain on you. It seems like a blind rage type of reaction. Think on this a few days and see whether you have a change or heart and can let this go. She apologized and realized she was wrong for saying what she did. She resents you clearly because you have the choice to look away from the dead or dying. You’re upset because your mother committed suicide and have experienced death very early in life. I’m very sorry about this. I’m glad you both did diffuse the situation and what’s important is she apologized.

People have reduced ability to empathize or communicate or think clearly when they’re in pain. I’m sure you know this - not for everyone perhaps but for most people they’re just not behaving as they would.

#3 very much does seem concerned and she’s concerned about 2. Getting the sense here that it’s very grave and serious and significant loss involved. I could be wrong.

They’re hanging out without you because they have an understanding. You can’t look at the same things or have triggers that they don’t understand due to your past. #2 needs a more engaged friend not just for fun Fri nights out but on deeper topics and things that she bonds over or gets support from with 3.

No, I don’t think it’s that you’re less fun. I’m sure you’re a fun person to be around but you need people who understand you too like E. Keep in mind friendships evolve too. Any one of them may circle back and enter a new phase in your lives or just realize you appreciate one another or have newfound respect for one another. Don’t write them off or get too frustrated or internalize. 

The secret dates thing needs more clarity. 

[Bellsnshells]

Thanks for your in depth response. 

#1 This is the thing when #1 bought me tickets I didn't realise I was already committed to go with E. E and I are not romantically involved these are friend dates and we call them secret because we surprise each other with where we are going by booking an event and invite one another. I committed to E first that is why she had the preference. Just a timeline thing. But I guess maybe like you #1 didn't see it that way. E and I have been best friend for 10 years whereas #1 and I only started hanging out the last year. But you are right it might have come off as we are excluding her. 

[glows]

I think I’ve got some idea now how this works. E asks if you’re free x night(or day) and then books something as a surprise or secret. You don’t know what the event is. #1 comes along and straight up delivers the goods: I’ve got tickets for x show for this day. Meanwhile you have no idea you agreed to go to the same event with two separate people. Truthfully this is too confusing for the average jo/jane and I think people just don’t want to deal with that again so they hang out with other friends. I don’t think this 1 cares that you lied to E but your conscience may be playing on you.

 

[Bellsnshells]

#2 is going through perimenopause. And she is disconnected with her partner (who also doesn't follow the news so much). No death or other huge disasters though. 

[Bellsnshells]

Yeah that is the situation. I doubt that a small confusion around a single event would make her drop our friendship completely. We both have small kids under 3 and have a lot to share about our life atm. 

 

[glows]

It may be a pet peeve of hers when someone doesn’t value her time for 1. It doesn’t sound like you’ve known her for long and it’s hard to say. Since she’s not responding to you and declined two meet ups, I wouldn’t message her again. I’m assuming those two meet ups aren’t group meets and you making an effort to plan something. 

2 treated you badly but apologized. If she chooses to hang out with other people that’s fine. Something about her outburst gives me the sense that she doesn’t like you though, you may have this air about you where you keep people at a distance and it irks her. You want to be friends with her but who’s to say she doesn’t feel like she can get close to you. You may have a lot of walls up and she’s also frustrated and needs friends on her level. She may also be embarrassed about the way she treated you and just wants to give space. I’d be friendly if you see her but not push it. I think you’ll both reconnect at some point if you can forgive her for what she said.

[MsJayne]

Being as your question is relates to friends being jealous of you I'll stick with that issue. No, I don't think it's jealousy, it might be that, as you noted yourself, you chose to lie to E because you didn't want her to know you forgot about your 'secret date' with her. Why is that? There's no big crime in forgetting something, and if you were all going to go together when you realised, where's the problem? Why were you afraid of E finding out you forgot?