Peter_W27 Posted November 16, 2023 Share Posted November 16, 2023 20 years ago, I met the love of my life, but we were both in a relationship and I walked away after a year. We reconnected 3 years ago with the understanding that we would be together once the kids finished school. We are still in our current relationships! Over the last couple of months, we haven’t seen much of each other, other than the good morning messages and the goodnight messages that’s all we have. I know we both love each other but the distance between us has created a lot of anxiety for me. We have about a year in a 1/2 until the kids graduate and honestly, I’m ready to start now but she’s not. Right now, it’s hard to see the future and I need advice. The situation is mentally taking a toll on me and I’m not sure if I should walk away again or stick out the year in a 1/2 left to go, what do you think. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 16, 2023 Share Posted November 16, 2023 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Peter_W27 said: .We reconnected 3 years ago with the understanding that we would be together once the kids finished school. We are still in our current relationships! I know we both love each other but the distance between us has created a lot of anxiety for me. How did it come about that you reconnected? Who contacted who? Are you in the same area? Have you seen each other recently? Are you married? Are you filing for divorce or still living together? Whose children have to graduate until you can divorce/breakup with your current partners? How old are your your and her children? Is this an emotional or physical affair? How is your primary relationship? Does your partner know you're cheating? Why is she "not ready"? She won't leave her partner? Edited November 16, 2023 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Peter_W27 Posted November 17, 2023 Author Share Posted November 17, 2023 To answer your question, we worked together 20 years ago at the same company and she left and then came back. The first year after she returned, I ignored her and that's when she messaged me, and we started talking again. So yes, I see her every day and we have lunch, it’s a very complicated situation. I’m married, still living with her and I am filing for divorce no matter what. Honestly me and my wife are extremely incompatible, and we’ve/I have tried everything to fix it and we haven’t been able to in the last 25 years (long story). I’m still here for the kids and she has no idea I’m having an emotional affair. Both our kids are in high school, my kid is a sophomore, and her kid is a junior. She’s waiting for him to graduate before she makes the move and leaves her current situation. That’s her priority and she doesn’t want to do anything to hurt the kid. I know it’s not because of her husband. It’s mostly an emotional affair. It’s a long story Wiseman2, and a lot I'm leaving out that dates back over two decades. I appreciate the response… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted November 17, 2023 Share Posted November 17, 2023 (edited) Ideally it’d be best if you both focused on ending your marriages and stop holding one another back. She wants to wait until her son graduates, that’s fine. You want to file for divorce sooner then do it and get yourself settled as a single father newly divorced before jumping into a relationship with a still-married woman. Makes no sense why you would want to downgrade to someone still tied up and “waiting” no matter how valid her reasons are to her. Youre taking on too much on your plate right now juggling a wife, your kids, not even remotely severed from your marriage and nowhere near to starting over and you’re thinking about the next woman. Finish one business first and move to the next. Be sure you consult with a lawyer about the divorce in private. Take better care of your mental health and deal with one thing at a time. Above, she’s the love of your life for decades and so isn’t it mutual? If she has any sense, this OW colleague, she’d let you go and realize you both will find one another later if it’s meant to be. Don’t be so selfish and hang on like this when it’s clear now is not the right time. Edited November 17, 2023 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 17, 2023 Share Posted November 17, 2023 (edited) I say, deal with your marriage and make the best decision for yourself and your family regardless of whatever she decides to do. Personally, I wouldn’t be waiting and planning a future with a woman who is not committed to the relationship. I’m sorry, but sharing lunch at work and sending some good morning/good evening text messages does not seem like she is particularly committed to me. Edited November 17, 2023 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 17, 2023 Share Posted November 17, 2023 It's a very big mistake to hold your breath for this woman. There is little to suggest she is actually serious about ending her marriage so it would be foolish to count on that. Please, don't make future plans around her. You are more than likely to be very disappointed when push comes to shove and she still doesn't leave her husband. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 17, 2023 Share Posted November 17, 2023 The distance you're sensing could be her pulling away/detaching or it could just be that she's busy. She's bothering to maintain a "lifeline" so that is something. One issue to be aware of is an EA can sometimes be a sort of salve that makes it easier to tolerate an unhappy marriage and/or rough patch. You might be inadvertently making it easier for her to stay. I agree that you're in a "don't count your chickens before they're hatched" situation. You can certainly hope for the best, but until she actually fully leaves you really don't know if you'll end up with her. It also might not be the best thing to jump right into the new relationship without a bit of a break for a mental palette cleansing, dealing with emotional baggage/unconscious expectations from the old relationship, finding a new place to live, etc. Love isn't a guarantee of success - practical matters very often overcome sentiment in life and people end relationships (or never start potential ones) for all kinds of practical reasons.The flip side of that is that relationships boil down to a choice that two people make (to be together or not); if two people steadfastly choose to continue their relationship (be it a good one or even a bad one) - well, it continues. My point is that while you can (and perhaps should) hope for the best here and see if it works out, you shouldn't expect that it will. You're very much in a "could go either way" situation right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Peter_W27 Posted November 17, 2023 Author Share Posted November 17, 2023 Everything I've read are valid points from everyone and I can't disagree with it because I've told myself the same thing over and over. In a nutshell you've all confirmed what I've been thinking for sometime now. I need to stop looking at this from an emotional state, resolve my current issue, follow my gut, live my life and stop thinking of tomorrow and what ever happens the universe has my back. Thanks for the responses it's what I needed to hear to move forward in my head. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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