Girl (F27) I'm (M32) dating posted a story on a trip with her toxic ex boyfriend. Should I ended it?

[AdamSbv]

I have been dating this girl for a couple of months. I met her 2 years ago but we didn’t continue dating until now. She is the one who wanted to reconnect. We talk every day and honestly it's been a long time since I invested as much time in someone as I am doing with her.

She broke up with her ex about 8 months ago. She says that he was very controlling, abusive and the relationship ended so bad that all their families were involved because it got physical. I have been patient and careful with her. 

Until… yesterday she posted an Instagram story with this guy. She didn’t tag him or anything but he was clearly in one of her stories and they were in some waterfalls.

She keeps saying that he is depressed, that he lost his job, that she is his only friend and bla bla. But she still went on a trip with him and they spent the night there?

We haven’t agreed to exclusivity and I’m taking things slow but I was wondering if this is a red flag.

[stillafool]

Duh? you think?  Of course it is.  She's going on trips and spending the night with her abusive ex boyfriend because he's depressed?  She's still in love with him.  He should be blocked and a restraining order in place after what you described above.  I would let him have her and move on to someone else.

[Gaeta]

16 minutes ago, AdamSbv said:

She keeps saying that he is depressed, that he lost his job, that she is his only friend and bla bla. But she still went on a trip with him and they spent the night there?

We haven’t agreed to exclusivity and I’m taking things slow but I was wondering if this is a red flag.

C'mon, it's a huge flashing red flag. 

You are keeping her entertained while she is working her way back to her ex. 

Don't date recently separated people and don't date people that require *going slow*, it all translate to not over the ex. 

Have some pride! Drop her and go find someone that wants to be with you. 

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, AdamSbv said:

I have been dating this girl for a couple of months

Until… yesterday she posted an Instagram story with this guy.  depressed, that he lost his job, that she is his only friend and bla bla. But she still went on a trip with him and they spent the night there?

Sorry this is happening. Is this a distance situation? How often do you see each other in person? 

Are the pictures recent? You spoke with her about it and she admitted they are "friends" and went on a trip together? 

Why are they "friends" and dating each other again if he was supposedly so abusive it "got physical and families were involved"?

Please reflect if her story adds up and its worth dealing with someone who's still dating their "ex".

 

Edited November 17, 2023 by Wiseman2

[FredEire]

3 hours ago, AdamSbv said:

I have been dating this girl for a couple of months. I met her 2 years ago but we didn’t continue dating until now. She is the one who wanted to reconnect. We talk every day and honestly it's been a long time since I invested as much time in someone as I am doing with her.

She broke up with her ex about 8 months ago. She says that he was very controlling, abusive and the relationship ended so bad that all their families were involved because it got physical. I have been patient and careful with her. 

Until… yesterday she posted an Instagram story with this guy. She didn’t tag him or anything but he was clearly in one of her stories and they were in some waterfalls.

She keeps saying that he is depressed, that he lost his job, that she is his only friend and bla bla. But she still went on a trip with him and they spent the night there?

We haven’t agreed to exclusivity and I’m taking things slow but I was wondering if this is a red flag.

I would say massive red flag, in all honesty. 8 months is not a long time after a breakup as intense as that, and the fact she randomly reconnected with you after two years suggests she may just be using you to fill the gap and get him off her mind.

But then on top of that she's still doing trips with this guy after he was apparently so awful to her? Nah, sounds like she's still way caught up in it and will needlessly drag you into it too, for me.

 

[d0nnivain]

Yes you need to end this.  She has lousy boundaries.  If she's dating you, her going on an overnight trip with her EX is a relationship ending activity.   It's lovely that she cares about him but there are ways to support a depressed EX that don't involve going away with them.   She's prioritizing him not you & always will.  He behavior is a kick in the teeth to you 

[MsJayne]

The reason her abusive ex turns to her is that she's the only one stupid enough to feel sorry for him. I'd definitely call time on her, she's inviting trouble into her life and potentially yours, and then there's the overnight trip, which is completely unacceptable. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, it's a gigantic red flag. 

You are the rebound and you are wasting your time with her. She is still attached to her ex and they will probably get back together. End this. 

[Goodguy05]

13 hours ago, AdamSbv said:

I have been dating this girl for a couple of months. I met her 2 years ago but we didn’t continue dating until now. She is the one who wanted to reconnect. We talk every day and honestly it's been a long time since I invested as much time in someone as I am doing with her.

She broke up with her ex about 8 months ago. She says that he was very controlling, abusive and the relationship ended so bad that all their families were involved because it got physical. I have been patient and careful with her. 

Until… yesterday she posted an Instagram story with this guy. She didn’t tag him or anything but he was clearly in one of her stories and they were in some waterfalls.

She keeps saying that he is depressed, that he lost his job, that she is his only friend and bla bla. But she still went on a trip with him and they spent the night there?

We haven’t agreed to exclusivity and I’m taking things slow but I was wondering if this is a red flag.

Yep I would not continue to date her.

[Alvi]

21 hours ago, AdamSbv said:

She keeps saying that he is depressed, that he lost his job, that she is his only friend and bla bla. But she still went on a trip with him and they spent the night there?

What a nice accommodating person she is. In fact, she is so nice that she felt like she is the only person on this planet, who could hold hold his hand and listen to him when he lost his job. And that's not all. She also, went on a trip with him. Barf, triple barf.

Well, she may say that this guy is toxic but she is nowhere ready to get rid of him completely. She is apparently enjoying that toxic roller-coaster and the ups and downs that it entails. 

It's obvious, that you are the odd man out in their story. She views you as a temporary distraction, while he is a main course.

Sorry, don't know what else you can say or do. You can stick around only to find out later what she has strong feelings for him and wants to be with him. It is going to sting a lot more once you get committed and all this is going to come out someday.

I think the best course of actions would be to end things with her. That way, you can find someone who is actually emotionally available and ready to date.

Next time, be a bit choosier, ask questions and see how the person is before starting anything with them.

P.S. Don't be surprised, if you find out that the two of them got back together once you end things with her.

[Lotsgoingon]

No, this is not a red flag. It's a red ten-ton nuclear  bomb. 

First mistake: 8 months is not enough for this woman to be out of the previous relationship. And, you're making the rookie mistake. You're assuming that because her ex was controlling and abusive, that means she has no lingering attraction to the ex. Totally wrong. She might be quite drawn to controlling and abusive guys or to this one controlling and abusive guy.

But wait, she is still in contact with the guy!  I'm going to be blunt: her saying she's the ex's only friend and that he's struggling, that's just code for her still seeing the ex.  Trust me: she's already been back with the ex. She's likely spent nights with the ex. There's a good chance the ex ain't an ex--and that this period is merely a brief pause for them. 

Get the heck away.