I want to accept my partner's past / learn to see body exposure differently

[squirrels9]

Many of you have probably heard of retroactive jealousy, where people struggle to accept their partner's sexual history, keep imagining what they did in bed with someone in the past, etc. 

I (34M) have something like this, except my struggle has more to do with things my partner wore in the past, ways she may have intentionally or unintentionally exposed her more personal regions to friends or strangers, and especially any pictures that may exist. And I don't mean things that are extreme, like naked pictures on the internet.

I'm currently dating an amazing person (31F). Her history with such things is admittedly fairly mild, she doesn't currently want to wear anything revealing, she's shared everything with me, and her standards around these things have shifted over time as well. And yet I regularly find myself ruminating on intrusive thoughts about this issue, like at 3AM or when we're about to have sex. This is disruptive, and I'm exhausted and need help. I know I'm with someone great, I certainly don't want to make her feel bad about her past, and I know that a lot of people don't see things the way I do. I also think that, realistically, it would be insanely hard for me to find someone who fits all of my other criteria and is extremely careful and protective of her body to a high degree. 

So, I want to shift my views.

I should clarify the kind of stuff that I find myself being bothered by:

• She did a triathlon in an athletic swimsuit that goes kind of high on her hips. (She had shorts on for the run and bike sections). There's pictures of her in this swimsuit (without shorts) on the podium.
• She ran a bunch of races in tight, fairly thin athletic shorts that accentuate the genital region slightly (not going in the middle, but the V shape is there)
• She walked around with windows open at home without a bra (her nipples are very poky) while living in a ground level apartment people could easily see into
• Likely she forgot to close the windows a few times when she walked briefly through the same apartment in underwear 
• In hot weather she's worn a top that looks more like a bra
• She ran in athletic tops that were nippy
• She had a bathing suit where the top was starting to no longer fit well and showed more than she intended. There's a photo with the edge of her areola out in the world. 

Of course let me know otherwise if not, but I think most people would find this list fairly mild. 
I also assume some of you will assume misogyny and double standards, but I assure you that I have been fairly protective of my own body since about 5 years old. Don't know why, I'm not religious or super conservative, I just always viewed some things as reserved for romantic partners. Even going to a female doctor would be super weird for me. 

I know in other countries, like Germany or Sweden, people are much more chill about these things, and even in most US or Canadian cities I think most people would not think my partner is "sharing herself" in any meaningful way, or any way that would lead to people not respecting her or land pictures of her on some pervy website. 

Am I right? How can I change? Any tips would be appreciated. With compassion, ideally -- I feel awkward enough sharing this as is. And therapy -- yep, on it, still would like some additional support. 

One final note -- just accepting the past is not enough, since pictures exist in the present. Even if they can't be easily traced back to her, there's always a chance. I want to feel like, yes, they exist, and that is okay. None of this invades the sanctity of our relationship or will lead to our public image being damaged. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, squirrels9 said:

 I regularly find myself ruminating on intrusive thoughts about this issue, like at 3AM or when we're about to have sex. This is disruptive, and I'm exhausted and need help.

How long have you been dating? The best way to address this obsession is to see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. 

She is acting appropriately wearing athletic clothes etc. there's absolutely nothing she should feel "bad" about. 

Please stop trying to control her directly or indirectly about who she is or what she wears. While it seems like you have insight into the fact that you need help with the obsession, you also seem to realize that this is controlling damaging behavior most women will get tired of quickly. 

 

[Lisa]

Moderator note: This is a duplicate account and has been closed.  Member may continue as @pinetree-potato

[basil67]

3 hours ago, squirrels9 said:

I also assume some of you will assume misogyny and double standards, but I assure you that I have been fairly protective of my own body since about 5 years old. Don't know why, I'm not religious or super conservative, I just always viewed some things as reserved for romantic partners. Even going to a female doctor would be super weird for me. 

You are right in that I see all these examples as being very benign.  And you're right that it's not healthy to put these expectations on a partner

I think the answer to how to get over this lies in unpacking what I put in the quote.  You say you've been protective of your body since you were a little kid.  You also say that you've always viewed some things as being reserved for romantic partners.  Thing is though, a five year old child should have no concept of saving their body for a partner. 

And while I can't speak for a man choosing a male doctor, it's certainly not unusual for a woman to choose a female doctor.  I would imagine the reasons would most often be about hoping the doctor may have more understanding of a "female" issues, and also reasons of modesty.  But I doubt it's common for a person to not want a same sex doctor for reasons of saving your body for a partner, because seeing a doctor is not a sexual act.  

Given that this has been going since you were little, I wonder if you were sexually violated in some way as a child.  And that these feelings came about as a protection mechanism.   One way or another though, only a therapist can really help you figure out what's going on and then, how to address it.   

[glows]

The view seems a bit naive, Op. Forgive me for being blunt but if someone was enough of a creep they’d be capable of anything and use photos without someone’s permission or images of someone without their consent for some “pervy website” or other nefarious activities. Some people don’t post photos period anywhere online and guess what.. bad sh-t still happens in this world. I understand your fears are mostly around these specific items listed but the concept that you or anyone can “protect” yourselves completely from any harm in this world is flawed. You can’t. She can’t. No one can. We just do the best we can and live life with some joy and freedom. 

The first thought that came to mind was sexual assault or being around an abusive and oppressive presence in childhood to create this defensive need to protect yourself or your body. And that fear being transposed or projected onto your partner so that they also have to conform to your fears. 

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Does your partner know any of this? You say she shared everything with you and I want to challenge that as well because she may be enabling your issues and worsening the obsession or rumination about clothing and/or the past and both of you nurturing the need to placate your fears with all this unnecessary sharing. She shouldn’t be sharing her clothing with you from the past or proving to you for instance that she’s protecting her body. I’m not sure where you saw these photos and the bathing suit one. If she’s just telling you all this verbally and trying to appease you this is very unhealthy.

Edited November 19, 2023 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, squirrels9 said:

How can I change? Any tips would be appreciated. With compassion, ideally -- I feel awkward enough sharing this as is. And therapy -- yep, on it, still would like some additional support. 

What has your therapist suggested, and are you following through on it? 

This level of rumination and anxiety is the stuff of professionals. 

[NuevoYorko]

I think that it is extremely intrusive and indicative of dangerously controlling impulses  for you to even have knowledge or interest in her clothing or window coverings from years gone by, even though you're working hard to suppress your feelings about it.  None of that is your business.    It's unhealthy for her to be in a relationship with you.   I hope you get some professional help and be as straightforward with a therapist as you have been here.  

[stillafool]

At first you were not attracted to her because she was overweight.  Now you are complaining about her showing too much skin, this girl can't get a break.

[NuevoYorko]

Is this the same woman as the one who gained weight?  

[ShyViolet]

You are having irrational and inappropriate thoughts about things that are none of your business and don't matter now, and you've elevated these things to an obsession.  You do need professional help for this.  At least it's good that you acknowledge it and are aware of it; that's the first step.  I wonder if this impacts your ability to continue this relationship now.  Do you have tendencies to want to control her in the present?