Is he into me? Was he ever interested?

[Toowell]

I'm getting mixed signals from a guy I've known for about 3 years but barely had contact with. I just don't understand his behavior. Here's our history:

In 2020 while waiting in line for a concert, I started talking to him out of boredom. We hit it off right away, he bought me a drink and we stood together during the show, then exchanged number and texted a few days after but not for long. I was waiting for him to ask me out but nothing happened and we stopped texting. 

About 6 months later I decided to text him again and that lead to us talking on the phone almost every day for a whole month. We were sharing literally everything about us in great personal detail and found out that we had even more in common than before. I wanted to be brave and asked for a meet-up which he was really interested in and we agreed we would hang out in his city. He also said if the drive was too long I could sleep over at his place. At this point we weren't really flirting or talking about anything sexual so I wasn't sure how to interpret that. 

Unfortunately he was sick that weekend, then already had plans the following one, then it was his mom's birthday... After he canceled for the fifth time I stopped texting him, as he was obviously not as interested as I thought. And that was it for a while. 

This summer he randomly texted me again after almost 3 years. I was pretty lonely at that time and mainly just glad to be talking to someone at all. The few texts led to another 3 hour phone call which led to a meet-up the next day. The meeting was very confusing, I found out that he's actually gay so I guess everything I saw as being interested in me was just him being friendly. But then he mentioned multiple times that he could be bi, he was just never really into a woman before. He also asked me about my relationships and dating life for the first time, and we talked a bit about being single and stuff. We got along great, he made me laugh a lot, he complimented my looks, made references to things we had talked about a couple years ago, touched me a lot and apologized for not being able to meet up back then. He also said he'd be interested in seeing me again but he was quite busy with his masters degree and some other school projects. A few days later I texted him and while he did reply very quickly, that was the last time I've heard of him in now 3 months. 

I know most signs are more towards "not interested" but why does he sometimes seem so affectionate and interested in me and then ignores me for months/years? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Toowell said:

I found out that he's actually gay so I guess everything I saw as being interested in me was just him being friendly. 

Unfortunately it seems like the most he can offer is friendship. Even then he repeatedly cancels and finds ways around getting together. Stay friends if you wish, but this doesn't have relationship potential. 

Please get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local interested men. It seems you fell into this situation because of loneliness so please try to address that. 

 

[Goodguy05]

2 hours ago, Toowell said:

I'm getting mixed signals from a guy I've known for about 3 years but barely had contact with. I just don't understand his behavior. Here's our history:

In 2020 while waiting in line for a concert, I started talking to him out of boredom. We hit it off right away, he bought me a drink and we stood together during the show, then exchanged number and texted a few days after but not for long. I was waiting for him to ask me out but nothing happened and we stopped texting. 

About 6 months later I decided to text him again and that lead to us talking on the phone almost every day for a whole month. We were sharing literally everything about us in great personal detail and found out that we had even more in common than before. I wanted to be brave and asked for a meet-up which he was really interested in and we agreed we would hang out in his city. He also said if the drive was too long I could sleep over at his place. At this point we weren't really flirting or talking about anything sexual so I wasn't sure how to interpret that. 

Unfortunately he was sick that weekend, then already had plans the following one, then it was his mom's birthday... After he canceled for the fifth time I stopped texting him, as he was obviously not as interested as I thought. And that was it for a while. 

This summer he randomly texted me again after almost 3 years. I was pretty lonely at that time and mainly just glad to be talking to someone at all. The few texts led to another 3 hour phone call which led to a meet-up the next day. The meeting was very confusing, I found out that he's actually gay so I guess everything I saw as being interested in me was just him being friendly. But then he mentioned multiple times that he could be bi, he was just never really into a woman before. He also asked me about my relationships and dating life for the first time, and we talked a bit about being single and stuff. We got along great, he made me laugh a lot, he complimented my looks, made references to things we had talked about a couple years ago, touched me a lot and apologized for not being able to meet up back then. He also said he'd be interested in seeing me again but he was quite busy with his masters degree and some other school projects. A few days later I texted him and while he did reply very quickly, that was the last time I've heard of him in now 3 months. 

I know most signs are more towards "not interested" but why does he sometimes seem so affectionate and interested in me and then ignores me for months/years? 

I think the reason he's hot and cold is because his a lil confused about his sexuality. 

 

I wouldn't entertain him again if he reaches out. Let him figure it out for himself. Anytime you're having to guess there interest or post on a forum...well that's your answer they're not interested.

Edited November 19, 2023 by Goodguy05

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, Toowell said:

I know most signs are more towards "not interested" but why does he sometimes seem so affectionate and interested in me and then ignores me for months/years? 

I think you misread him. You took his kind nature for romantic interest. 

You don't need to know why, l'm sure there are 10s of books explaining the psychology of it all but you only need to recognize that his behavior is inconsistant - so you go find someone else.

 

[Weezy1973]

OP did you date anyone else in the three years since you first met? I definitely think it’s time I let this guy go. He’s gay, and even if he was straight, he’s not showing nearly enough interest. When a guy is interested he’ll do whatever he can to meet up.

[d0nnivain]

I agree; this is not the guy for you.  He is probably confused about his sexuality.  He probably only wants friendship.  I think in the moment he's lonely & knows you will engage with him but if you can't meet then & there he is too flakey to count on.  

I'm also really curious about the time line.  You say you met in 2020 while standing in line for a concert.  6 months later you reconnected when you reached out.  You two talked for a month.  Then you were supposed to go to another concert & he offered to let you stay at his house.   That got cancelled because he was sick. 

The world was basically closed in 2020.  Even if you met in March, by September / October where were concerts going on?  Everybody was avoiding large crowds due to the fear of Covid.  Why would you consider sleeping at stranger's house during a pandemic?   Gee, let me guess what he came down with that weekend & couldn't go to the concert

[Alpacalia]

No, he's not interested. I'm sorry to say.

You're getting mixed signals because the guy is not being consistent in his behavior and communication with you.

Years later, he randomly reaches out to you and you hit it off again, talking on the phone for hours and making plans to meet up. However, he cancels multiple times, and you stop contacting him because it seems like he's not that interested.

Then, he reaches out again and you meet up, where he's showing what seems like interest and even mentions possibly being bisexual and interested in you. But then, he disappears again after a few texts.

Please stop letting him confuse you and take control of your own happiness. This guy has proven to be unreliable and inconsistent in his behavior towards you and you're letting him move back and forth in your life like a yo-yo.

Even if he's homosexual, bisexual, whichever his sexuality, he is showing you that he's not capable of being consistent with you or taking you seriously and following through with things he implies or says to you. On the very basic level of being friends, he is unreliable and not showing consistent etiquette, so he's not someone you can fully feel comfortable being friends with, much less dating.

Please, next time, do not put forth so much energy into someone you randomly meet in line at a concert and certainly, do not if you've not spent any time or conversation together to determine if you feel comfortable or safe with this person because you do not know them. Next time, only put how much energy and a time frame that you need to get to get to know each other. Tread carefully.

This applies to all, not just you.

Edited November 19, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Toowell said:

. The meeting was very confusing, I found out that he's actually gay so I guess everything I saw as being interested in me was just him being friendly. 

The best way to avoid headaches and heartaches as far as relationships go, is to avoid "confused" people. All you can do is step back. 

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Toowell said:

I know most signs are more towards "not interested" but why does he sometimes seem so affectionate and interested in me and then ignores me for months/years? 

Does it actually matter? I can’t believe that you are seriously asking if a man who ignores you for months/years is interested or not. He’s not interested. He’s gay. 

He, like you, is looking for someone to talk with sometimes. That’s all.

[NuevoYorko]

Why is it so outlandish to consider that some people can just meet, connect on some level, and become very loosely knitted friends?  

This kind of thing used to happen all the time "back in the dark ages" before technology made it not only possible but expected that people could be in extreme contact at all times.  

In my life, it would be people I met traveling, like with a train pass. In hostels,  etc.   So many young people met and forged some sweet connections and some maintained lifelong contact.  Yes, going in and out of each other's lives with possibly years between.   

Enough of my old person musings ... this guy is not going to become your boyfriend, that is practically certain.  

 

 

[Alpacalia]

Not outlandish at all.

But that kind of deep friendship has to be based on trust and regular contact or else it fades away.

With this guy, it seems like he comes in and out of your life with long gaps in between.

It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it doesn't lend itself to a close friendship. And it's definitely not a basis for a romantic relationship. Sometimes people just have a fun and enjoyable time together but it doesn't lead to anything more.

Heck, I just reconnected with a new friend that I haven't spoken with in over a year, it was me that "drifted out" but the initial time we met, we showed up, and the second time we discussed meeting, we showed up. 

Here, this gentlemen has cancelled FIVE times. At that point OP,  I would have pulled back to, "you're a flake," and I don't want ANY part of that. Friends, romantic, whichever.

I would move on and find someone who is serious about getting to know you and spending time with you. You deserve someone who is consistent and reliable. Also, someone who is honest with you and themselves about their sexuality... this guy seems to be giving mixed signals and not sure about his own orientation or attraction to you. It's best to let that go and find someone who is sure and confident in their attraction and interest in you, since you're romantically interested in this person.

Edited November 19, 2023 by Alpacalia

[glows]

I’m also disoriented by the 2020 timeline when you both met at a concert, were planing meet ups. You say it’s almost been 3 years suggesting it was late 2020 around this time. The pandemic broke out and the world shut down around March/April 2020. Either way no he is definitely not interested in anything romantic. He just seems like an affectionate person. I read that he’s into men and was letting you down easy, trying not to hurt/offend you. 

[Toowell]

Thank you all for your insights!

For those confused, we met in the beginning of February 2020 and then wanted to meet in the summer of 2020 where most covid regulations had been lifted or at least made less strict for a while until the next wave of infections started. 

I really enjoyed the time with him so I will continue to stay friends, even if it's irregularly. I wasn't looking to date anyways so it kinda works out in that sense. I'm just used to people who like each other and get along well to meet as often as they can and I just thought we had that kind of connection even if it's only platonically.

[FredEire]

10 hours ago, Toowell said:

I'm getting mixed signals from a guy I've known for about 3 years but barely had contact with. I just don't understand his behavior. Here's our history:

In 2020 while waiting in line for a concert, I started talking to him out of boredom. We hit it off right away, he bought me a drink and we stood together during the show, then exchanged number and texted a few days after but not for long. I was waiting for him to ask me out but nothing happened and we stopped texting. 

About 6 months later I decided to text him again and that lead to us talking on the phone almost every day for a whole month. We were sharing literally everything about us in great personal detail and found out that we had even more in common than before. I wanted to be brave and asked for a meet-up which he was really interested in and we agreed we would hang out in his city. He also said if the drive was too long I could sleep over at his place. At this point we weren't really flirting or talking about anything sexual so I wasn't sure how to interpret that. 

Unfortunately he was sick that weekend, then already had plans the following one, then it was his mom's birthday... After he canceled for the fifth time I stopped texting him, as he was obviously not as interested as I thought. And that was it for a while. 

This summer he randomly texted me again after almost 3 years. I was pretty lonely at that time and mainly just glad to be talking to someone at all. The few texts led to another 3 hour phone call which led to a meet-up the next day. The meeting was very confusing, I found out that he's actually gay so I guess everything I saw as being interested in me was just him being friendly. But then he mentioned multiple times that he could be bi, he was just never really into a woman before. He also asked me about my relationships and dating life for the first time, and we talked a bit about being single and stuff. We got along great, he made me laugh a lot, he complimented my looks, made references to things we had talked about a couple years ago, touched me a lot and apologized for not being able to meet up back then. He also said he'd be interested in seeing me again but he was quite busy with his masters degree and some other school projects. A few days later I texted him and while he did reply very quickly, that was the last time I've heard of him in now 3 months. 

I know most signs are more towards "not interested" but why does he sometimes seem so affectionate and interested in me and then ignores me for months/years? 

My guess is that at the time you were talking a lot and he suddenly got so flaky he started seeing someone else and/or was just very confused about his sexuality. Maybe when he contacted you something reminded him of you and he was also lonely and just liked the attention.

I'd say someone who is so up in the air and doesn't try to accommodate you doesn't sound like a good bet though in all honesty, even if there's some degree of interest there.

Edited November 19, 2023 by FredEire

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Toowell said:

I really enjoyed the time with him so I will continue to stay friends, even if it's irregularly. 

Any you can totally do that, if that's what you want.

Just be careful with someone that proposes to meet and then cancels so often. Don't push him for anything more, even though you initially had romantic interest in him, it doesn't seem like he has the same interest in you in that way. Until he communicates something different, take meeting up with him as a grain of salt.

He doesn't seem to respect how valuable your time is as he keeps saying he wants to meet and then goes back on his consistent initial plans. I'm not sure why he'd even propose meeting if Covid restrictions made it difficult or impractical.

I would be super careful with a friend like this so that you don't get hurt in the future whether romantic or platonic. AT BEST, take meeting up with this person as rarity.

Edited November 19, 2023 by Alpacalia