So why am I becoming attracted to fat/older men in my thirties?

[Inmy30s]

Okay I feel bad about this. I don't know how to explain it. Without offending anyone. And I don't mean to offend anyone. But over the year I've been finding men I normally don't tend to find attractive usually I find men attractive to around 5:11 to 6 ft. In foot height. Usually around 135 to 160 lb in weight. That's usually my preference I tend to prefer men but aren't very big. Why are we taller. And between the ages of 18 and 23 and I understand that's quite young compared to me. But those are the only sexual partners I've ever had as a 30 year old woman now.

Over the past year it has been a lot of differentiation from my normal interest. And in one of the times I was specifically attracted to really was specifically possibly 5 or 600 lb other than that had attractive characteristics When I say attracted I mean pretty deep. Not very subtle. Basically like literally have very explicit thoughts or sexual acts and so forth. He was around my age though. So it wasn't that shocking like this. Just the fact that he was so big. Not like this had anything to do with my personal life they were in work settings. Or I would not want to pursue in any case. But it was just an example.

It's oddly situation with this other guy who is probably around 50 to 60. And I'm 30 I personally have found over the past few months. Where I had someone of a sense liking him. I don't know why though. And I don't get where at all come from and why it occurs more nowadays. Is it because of getting older? And if so how do I deal with it because many of the times I'm Into guys who are like bad people. Sometimes I can in those cases both individuals probably are from jail at some point or another. And are no good. A big part of my protection was very very selective in attractions here so now I don't really know how to handle myself or my perspective in these cases. If they occur more often. So can someone give me advice on some insight?

Edited November 20, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, Inmy30s said:

Okay I feel bad about this. I don't know how to explain it. Without bending anyone. And I don't mean to offend anyone. But over the year I've been finding management but I normally don't send attractive usually I find men to drive to around 5:11 to 6 ft. In foot height. Usually around 135 to 160 lb in weight. That's usually my preference I tend to prefer men but aren't very big. Why are we taller. And between the ages of 18 and 23 and I understand that's quite young compared to me. But those are the only sexual partners I've ever had as a 30 year old woman now.

 

 

Over the past here in their hands and been a lot of differentiation from my normal interest. And grab one of the times I was specifically attracted to really rise was specifically possibly 5 or 600 lb. I said it back here with juristic had it pretty much all the other characteristics I like basically hear it but wait is a big issue for me. When I say attracted I mean pretty deep. Not very subtle. Basically like literally have very explicit thoughts or sexual acts and so forth. Who's around my age though. So it wasn't that shocking like this. Just the fact that he was so big. In the cake says I'm talking about. Please would be problematic. Considering they were in work settings. And things I would not want to pursue in any case. But it was just an example.

 

 

You're oddly is another situation with this other guy who is probably around 50 to 60. And I'm 30 or so. And I personally have found over the past few months. Where I had someone of a sense lightning him. I don't know why though. And I don't get where at all come from and why it occurs more nowadays. Is it because of getting older? And if so how do I deal with it because many of the times I'm Into You guys who are like bad people. Sometimes I can those cases both individuals probably are from jail at some point or another. And are no good. A big part of my protection was very very selective in attractions here so now I don't really know how to handle myself or my perspective in these cases. If they occur more often. So can someone give me advice on some insight?

Ah.

Physical attraction comes in all shapes and sizes, and it's totally okay to find yourself attracted to someone outside of your usual "type."  

But if you want to get philosophic and analyze it, perhaps it's a sign of your own personal growth and maturation. As we get older, our tastes and preferences can change and evolve. It's also possible that you are becoming more open-minded and realizing that true physical attraction extends beyond societal constructs of what is considered "conventional." Embrace it.

Question is, would you be disappointed if this new person had let's say, the same personality as the people you have dismissed in the past? Would the physical attraction still outweigh the other traits that you find unattractive in them?

What if their way of life and choices do not align with your values and they like to eat popeye chicken everyday and you like to eat kale and quinoa? 

[Inmy30s]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

Ah.

Physical attraction comes in all shapes and sizes, and it's totally okay to find yourself attracted to someone outside of your usual "type."  

But if you want to get philosophic and analyze it, perhaps it's a sign of your own personal growth and maturation. As we get older, our tastes and preferences can change and evolve. It's also possible that you are becoming more open-minded and realizing that true physical attraction extends beyond societal constructs of what is considered "conventional." Embrace it.

Question is, would you be disappointed if this new person had let's say, the same personality as the people you have dismissed in the past? Would the physical attraction still outweigh the other traits that you find unattractive in them?

What if their way of life and choices do not align with your values and they like to eat popeye chicken everyday and you like to eat kale and quinoa? 

No that's not what I'm talking about.

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, Inmy30s said:

No that's not what I'm talking about.

Okay.

Then good luck with that.

[Inmy30s]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

Ah.

Physical attraction comes in all shapes and sizes, and it's totally okay to find yourself attracted to someone outside of your usual "type."  

But if you want to get philosophic and analyze it, perhaps it's a sign of your own personal growth and maturation. As we get older, our tastes and preferences can change and evolve. It's also possible that you are becoming more open-minded and realizing that true physical attraction extends beyond societal constructs of what is considered "conventional." Embrace it.

Question is, would you be disappointed if this new person had let's say, the same personality as the people you have dismissed in the past? Would the physical attraction still outweigh the other traits that you find unattractive in them?

What if their way of life and choices do not align with your values and they like to eat popeye chicken everyday and you like to eat kale and quinoa? 

Sorry I'm struggling to answer you but to better explain these are instances I'm not supposed to be attracted and usually it's good its just in the last year it hasnt been the case. Now worst than that is in real life its a problem because see I'm attracted to bad people normally only attractive bad people which there are less attractive bad people than unattractive. Now that things seem to widen I'm like I feel like that could lead to problems basically. Because it was easier avoiding attractive bad people than unattractive bad people who I normally dont like anyway. Thats my point. I wouldnt try to date men like that this is apart of forced interactions and extrapolating that to the broader spectrum basically sorry I wasnt so clear before I apologize.

 

By the way I put this in the wrong section. This was just because I don't know this form that well. So if it's supposed to be in another section please I wouldn't mind if someone moved it or whatever

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Inmy30s said:

. A big part of my protection was very very selective in attractions here so now I don't really know how to handle myself or my perspective in these cases. 

Are these people you see on dating apps or in everyday life such as work? 

Are you worried about going out with them or is it just a sort of fetish or obsession? 

What do you mean by 'my protection was very very selective in attractions"?

Are you afraid you're going to get involved with an excon? Google "hybristophilia".

Perhaps a therapist could help you unpack and sort out these thoughts.

Edited November 20, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Inmy30s]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Are these people you see on dating apps or in everyday life such as work? 

Are you worried about going out with them or is it just a sort of fetish or obsession? 

What do you mean by 'my protection was very very selective in attractions"?

Are you afraid you're going to get involved with an excon?

Perhaps a therapist could help you unpack and sort out these thoughts.

The latter so its not like I'm at all interested in them I'm saying other people in my personal dating life that would eventually extrapolate to which means my net is wider which means more problems because I still have the issue of liking no good men basically now just a wider net of the issue basically is what I'm saying. I did not date anyone like that ive only dated model type guys between 18-23 I myself have the same model look myself is. Normally what protected me was not being attracted to unattractive people so my net was smaller basically. If it stretches out to overweight or older I have more options to mess over myself in the future basically with other people.... Basically how I see it is if there's one then there's thousands. And that's my issue.

[basil67]

So if you're finding more people more attractive, then you will have to start making smarter decisions about who you hook up with.   It's really that simple.

[Alpacalia]

Why do you like 'not good' guys ?

A bit off topic, but I am firmly convinced that who we choose to date is just our way of subtlety addressing unresolved issues. For example, some people may seek out partners who are emotionally unavailable because they subconsciously feel that seeking approval is something that defines how genuinely attractive they are. Others may date people who mirror their relationship with their parents, seeking out traits they admire or want to fix.

And as we get older, instead of healing and moving on, we tend to surround ourselves with the very same types of people who didn't make us particularly happy as teenagers and young adults, recreating the same types of heartache, drama, or boring situations as ever. So, my advice is to find a really good therapist, counselor, or church small group and address any unresolved emotional needs you have before dating again.

I know that sounds terribly vague, but all people everywhere have needed to figure out what we are still missing in our relationship ability throughout recorded history. And to your point, there is no reason not to explore your attraction to different body types, ages, and backgrounds with healthy participants as long as both individuals are enthusiastically willing.

Age, height, weight, and who knows what else are just indicative of unlimited potential. You have infinite opportunity to excel as a contentedly capable social person! Sorry if this is long, but, you deserve the help. Please try it!

Edited November 20, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Inmy30s said:

. If it stretches out to overweight or older I have more options to mess over myself in the future basically with other people.... 

Be as selective as you want to be.  It's unclear why having fleeting attraction is an issue if you are not currently seeking to date convicts, elderly men or morbidly obese men. 

[Inmy30s]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Be as selective as you want to be.  It's unclear why having fleeting attraction is an issue if you are not currently seeking to date convicts, elderly men or morbidly obese men. 

Bwcause those aren't fleeting fleeting would be like the general manager at my job my neighbor etc are more problematic for example the first guy who was 600 lbs I would regularly think about sexually like literally think about performing felatio... Etc... And yeah had dreams etc... Now never would pursue anything but my thing was in my social life if a guy like that was pursuing me I'm in a lot of trouble because I dont really know how to say no to men in attracted to thats my issue basically.

[Inmy30s]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

Why do you like 'not good' guys ?

A bit off topic, but I am firmly convinced that who we choose to date is just our way of subtlety addressing unresolved issues. For example, some people may seek out partners who are emotionally unavailable because they subconsciously feel that seeking approval is something that defines how genuinely attractive they are. Others may date people who mirror their relationship with their parents, seeking out traits they admire or want to fix.

And as we get older, instead of healing and moving on, we tend to surround ourselves with the very same types of people who didn't make us particularly happy as teenagers and young adults, recreating the same types of heartache, drama, or boring situations as ever. So, my advice is to find a really good therapist, counselor, or church small group and address any unresolved emotional needs you have before dating again.

I know that sounds terribly vague, but all people everywhere have needed to figure out what we are still missing in our relationship ability throughout recorded history. And to your point, there is no reason not to explore your attraction to different body types, ages, and backgrounds with healthy participants as long as both individuals are enthusiastically willing.

Age, height, weight, and who knows what else are just indicative of unlimited potential. You have infinite opportunity to excel as a contentedly capable social person! Sorry if this is long, but, you deserve the help. Please try it!

I dont know why that is normally with attractive men since I was 18 ive always been attracted to whoever I was attracted to and then they could be heroin addicts or crazy like nutso crazed to the bone no pill could cure and id still be bone shaking attracted to them in those cases they were actually very handsome attractive I dont have emotional attraction much mine is mainly sexual reason why I have dated model type guys some who were exconvicts and nuts or others who were about to go to college my longest relationship was with a normal guy who just had roommates etc.... I just dont have emotional attraction which is why my Physical attraction is my main thing I can't withdraw interest in men I'm attracted to basically.

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, Inmy30s said:

Bwcause those aren't fleeting fleeting would be like the general manager at my job my neighbor etc are more problematic for example the first guy who was 600 lbs I would regularly think about sexually like literally think about performing felatio... Etc... And yeah had dreams etc... Now never would pursue anything but my thing was in my social life if a guy like that was pursuing me I'm in a lot of trouble because I dont really know how to say no to men in attracted to thats my issue basically.

If you like him the guy, you're attracted to the guy and you're both available, why do you have to say no?

 

[Inmy30s]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

Why do you like 'not good' guys ?

A bit off topic, but I am firmly convinced that who we choose to date is just our way of subtlety addressing unresolved issues. For example, some people may seek out partners who are emotionally unavailable because they subconsciously feel that seeking approval is something that defines how genuinely attractive they are. Others may date people who mirror their relationship with their parents, seeking out traits they admire or want to fix.

And as we get older, instead of healing and moving on, we tend to surround ourselves with the very same types of people who didn't make us particularly happy as teenagers and young adults, recreating the same types of heartache, drama, or boring situations as ever. So, my advice is to find a really good therapist, counselor, or church small group and address any unresolved emotional needs you have before dating again.

I know that sounds terribly vague, but all people everywhere have needed to figure out what we are still missing in our relationship ability throughout recorded history. And to your point, there is no reason not to explore your attraction to different body types, ages, and backgrounds with healthy participants as long as both individuals are enthusiastically willing.

Age, height, weight, and who knows what else are just indicative of unlimited potential. You have infinite opportunity to excel as a contentedly capable social person! Sorry if this is long, but, you deserve the help. Please try it!

 basically.as far as if anyone reminds me of my dad my dad died before I was born and he fought for this country in the gulf war so he wasnt a criminal. And I'm also attracted to only white men and hispanic men I'm biracial my dad is black so no one I ever been attracted to reminded me of my dad the problem is I lack emotion attraction therefore have no other real interest than physical so thats why it concerns me in the cases of the unattractive guys its more the energy too.... Which is why I say bad men because I tend to like the bad energy. It makes me feel more interested in being submissive its really weird idk why but yeah anyway in any case this is simply hypothetical

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, Inmy30s said:

I dont really know how to say no to men in attracted to thats my issue basically.

A therapist could help you with this whether its a sex addiction or obsession or anxiety. 

Edited November 20, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Lotsgoingon]

You're attracted to people you are labeling as bad. But overweight doesn't make someone "bad." Older is also not "bad." 

I'm confused.

Now, it can be shocking when we find ourselves attracted to people to don't fit our preplanned ideas. But as much as not, the preplanned stereotype of who is good for us might need adjusting. 

[Alpacalia]

32 minutes ago, Inmy30s said:

 basically.as far as if anyone reminds me of my dad my dad died before I was born and he fought for this country in the gulf war so he wasnt a criminal. And I'm also attracted to only white men and hispanic men I'm biracial my dad is black so no one I ever been attracted to reminded me of my dad the problem is I lack emotion attraction therefore have no other real interest than physical so thats why it concerns me in the cases of the unattractive guys its more the energy too.... Which is why I say bad men because I tend to like the bad energy. It makes me feel more interested in being submissive its really weird idk why but yeah anyway in any case this is simply hypothetical

It's not weird or unusual for people to be attracted to traits or characteristics that remind them of their parents or family members.

Just make sure any patterns in the type of people that you find yourself attracted to align with your values and goals. Being around bad energy can be addictive because it's an easy way to feel more alive and on edge. It takes a lot of strength to say, ok, this person is no good for me, I am attracted to them, which is fine, but I am choosing not to engage with them and/or explore by dating said person or getting involved in any way.

So, as been said, explore counseling. And start seeking out hobbies you enjoy where you can meet OTHERS that are similar to you, friends, etc. That's one way to break out of the bad pattern that's holding you down. I know it might not sound as appealing as dating someone, but it might be working up towards that.

Edited November 20, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

Who were your male role model growing up?

Did your mom remarry? Or dud she have many boyfriends? 

Are you able to make emotional connection wuth your family members and friends?

[glows]

1 hour ago, Inmy30s said:

 the problem is I lack emotion attraction therefore have no other real interest than physical so thats why it concerns me in the cases of the unattractive guys its more the energy too.... Which is why I say bad men because I tend to like the bad energy. It makes me feel more interested in being submissive its really weird idk why but yeah anyway in any case this is simply hypothetical

There’s this thing called role play. You don’t have to do the real thing and get screwed over. Plus the opp for emotional connection. Ta daa

[Inmy30s]

Just now, glows said:

There’s this thing called role play. You don’t have to do the real thing and get screwed over. Plus the opp for emotional connection. Ta daa

Yea idk how to be emotionally attracted to men usually those are only for femme people femme as in women trans women and agender people etc.... I am emotionally attracted to femininity but sexually attracted to the male body so.... Yeah haha I know kinda convoluted LMAO

[Inmy30s]

Just now, Gaeta said:

Who were your male role model growing up?

Did your mom remarry? Or dud she have many boyfriends? 

Are you able to make emotional connection wuth your family members and friends?

I didnt grow up with any men my mom is happy and completely single my grandma is married and battered so yeah I take after my mom I like to be single but sexual with men only. Kinda thing. I'm happy and single too so yeah..... I'm not opposed to the one though if it wver happened I'm just not emotionally attracted to men my interest in men is sexual or nothing at all basically.

[Inmy30s]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

A therapist could help you with this whether its a sex addiction or obsession or anxiety. 

Its not an obsession at all for me. Normally attraction goes like this when I was 18 I lived in a dorm environment there was this crazy guy who asked me out who I was SO SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO ON STEROIDS he was obsessed sorta with virgins.... And I was one at the time. Anyway for me this became a norm if I was attracted to a guy I'd have wild sex dreams about sexual thoughts nonstop and because at that point I was isolated as a child completely I didnt know how to manage the feelings I got so bone shaking scared around him would be dropping things stuttering and a whole scared a** mess.

 

 

Now the latter got better as I was around more people of that nature I wasnt that much of a mess. But the bodily reaction and sexual thoughts dreams etc never stop in those cases its way stronger than I described with unattractive men. My normal behavior is consistent sexual thoughts dreams and physical reaction because I don't think I can control those it's my nature

 

For example the guy last year who was super obese I didnt initially even think that way really I don't think it was like mid November. And even then it wasn't like outright in any regard I remeber thinking I wasnt wearing a bra and that I thought he was looking at something in that area and thinking I wouldnt care if he was that would somehow be not a bad thing. At that point I only saw maybe once a week.  It seemed as I saw him more often until like mid December I started to have those type of sexual thoughts not on the same level as like I normally do. For me usually the switch is on or off no middle ground which means men who I'm attracted to within the first day in my waking day I'm thinking about basically riding them and usually I'll have at least one dream about that.... In this case I never had any dream like that or thought like that. It was more slow moving but clearly sexual as I did have thoughts of like oral instances by this point he brought up stuff that didnt make it any easier so it was a nature chain of events for me to evolve to.. When he would talk to other men I would think about him servicing them. And sometimes I thought of myself in the same regard to him and other weird thoughts pertaining to that. They became more persistent when I would go everyday and see him everyday be in close proximty every freaking day. In January I abruptly left so thankfully never saw him again.

 

In the second case its not that bad but not good either. For example I don't walk up to people and talk to them but I sometimes do the second guy but I disguise it by saying its because my mom worked with him etc.... It was more obvious a problem lately see I work with the second guy who is old and in my view fat or obese. Like I work with him but not really we work at the same place and we live at the same place. Thats pretty usual for our town. Though. Anyhow problem is sometimes a social one. Where like I have a hard time communicating. Like the seldom time I did I had to ask him to make me a meal that I already purchased and explain I needed to have it made now. And I couldnt tell him I had to tell my manager under me to tell him because I got all nerve wrecked. Basically I have a hard time with authority/telling anything in that case. Normally I struggle with him a little not as bad as the last but its not good and I think its more bearable because thankfully I don't work with him and cuz hes old I hope its less of an interest not really sure about that that though. I get more anxious because I fuss over if the guy who I think is unattractive figures out that so it makes things even more stiff and problematic. As far as these forced interactions.

 

 

So theyre definitely not obsessions but unwanted interest. Type of thing. I think I'm a gross person for feeling this way on top of it. So definitely not an obsession my normal attraction is way more intense I happen to have intense sexual feelings normally but theyre not obsessions cuz I feel that way about men I'm normally attracted to.

 

 

In the case of men I'm not supposed to be attracted to its seemed to be a slow drip thing. Really.

 

I don't have sexual addictions I dont have sex a lot I'd say I'm average slightly on the reserved side at least I try to be. I'm not promiscuous or anything. I just have never been attracted to men I'm not attracted to. And its conceerning if this continues to be an issue for further situations because like I said it becomes a larger issue in my sex life if I'm open to that as well as my platonic life too in the sense of socialization. Ergo my concerns

[Inmy30s]

56 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You're attracted to people you are labeling as bad. But overweight doesn't make someone "bad." Older is also not "bad." 

I'm confused.

Now, it can be shocking when we find ourselves attracted to people to don't fit our preplanned ideas. But as much as not, the preplanned stereotype of who is good for us might need adjusting. 

no usually the energy in those cases were literally bad which is what drew me in in those cases I generally am like that but not always.  So no not bad because of whatever I was explaining why those occured and if they can occur in those cases they can occur in my private life and thats really not good. Because what was selective was my sexual attraction meaning I'm not supposed to be solely attracted to just bad energy but attractive men on top of it so it offsets it basically.

[Inmy30s]

56 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It's not weird or unusual for people to be attracted to traits or characteristics that remind them of their parents or family members.

Just make sure any patterns in the type of people that you find yourself attracted to align with your values and goals. Being around bad energy can be addictive because it's an easy way to feel more alive and on edge. It takes a lot of strength to say, ok, this person is no good for me, I am attracted to them, which is fine, but I am choosing not to engage with them and/or explore by dating said person or getting involved in any way.

So, as been said, explore counseling. And start seeking out hobbies you enjoy where you can meet OTHERS that are similar to you, friends, etc. That's one way to break out of the bad pattern that's holding you down. I know it might not sound as appealing as dating someone, but it might be working up towards that.

Oh I regularly do. I've always been very social and so forth. That's what I'm talking about. It's my social life. Not particularly my work life. But my work life has to do with it in the sense of who I work with I guess. But not largely you get what I'm saying. If one can be then thousands can be

[MsJayne]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Be as selective as you want to be.  It's unclear why having fleeting attraction is an issue if you are not currently seeking to date convicts, elderly men or morbidly obese men. 

I wish there was still a laughing emoji