So why am I becoming attracted to fat/older men in my thirties?

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Inmy30s said:

Its not an obsession at all for me.

Please see a qualified therapist for ongoing support. These intrusive thoughts seem to be upsetting you. 

This has nothing to do with age, obesity or criminal records. This has to do with thoughts racing through you that upset you. 

You seem quite confused on multiple levels when it comes to sexuality, sexual orientation, sexual attraction, sexually intrusive thoughts, etc.

You don't seem to be acting out on these obsessions and intrusive thoughts, but perhaps unpacking and sorting out these thoughts and how they affect you could help. 

[basil67]

I agree that you need a therapist to help you figure this out.   From what I understand, you seem concerned about being attracted to many men and having non stop thoughts of sex.  Thing is, if you thoughts become so intrusive that you have trouble functioning, then you do need proper help

Sitting one on one with someone where you can more easily explain will likely help you find the answers you want.  

Edited November 20, 2023 by basil67

[MsJayne]

Just sounds like a garden-variety Chubby Fetish to me. Nothing to see here. 

[Gaeta]

You're 23 years old, give yourself a break, this is a time of discovery for you. Sexual attraction do change with the years, I am not attracted toward the same men I was when I was 20. 

You did not answer my question but: Are you capable of forming emotional bond with your family and friends? If yes then eventually you will feel the need to bond with a partner, it just has not happen till now and I don't see anything wrong with it. Not everybody's definition of happiness goes through bonding with a mate. 

So you like what you like, as long as you don't put yourself in danger, don't let any of these 'bad boys' control & manipulate you, it's just sex. Be smart with your health and always protect yourself. 

Edited November 20, 2023 by Gaeta

[Inmy30s]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please see a qualified therapist for ongoing support. These intrusive thoughts seem to be upsetting you. 

This has nothing to do with age, obesity or criminal records. This has to do with thoughts racing through you that upset you. 

You seem quite confused on multiple levels when it comes to sexuality, sexual orientation, sexual attraction, sexually intrusive thoughts, etc.

You don't seem to be acting out on these obsessions and intrusive thoughts, but perhaps unpacking and sorting out these thoughts and how they affect you could help. 

I dont have racing thoughts though I think you dont really understand my sexualiity I normally have sexual thoughts my brain is just like that I'm not thinking about sex every 10 seconds its just everyday thing in the case of men I'm actually attracted to.

 

 

 

Why is it wrong for a woman to have sexual thoughts?

 

In those cases they weren't intrusive thoughts. Or anything of that nature. It was just a regular part of how I am. My sexuality has always been active. Not very emotional. And much more physical. That is just my sexuality. I understand women are expected to be more emotional. But this just isn't the case for me. I tend to just be more sexual

Edited November 20, 2023 by Inmy30s

[Inmy30s]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

I agree that you need a therapist to help you figure this out.   From what I understand, you seem concerned about being attracted to many men and having non stop thoughts of sex.  Thing is, if you thoughts become so intrusive that you have trouble functioning, then you do need proper help

Sitting one on one with someone where you can more easily explain will likely help you find the answers you want.  

It's not non-stop sexual thoughts. No. In the cases of the people I've been attracted to actually. Usually I have sexual thoughts. That are reoccurring. They can reoccur through a day. Or a week or however it works. And then I have sexual dreams too. As long as I've been around them enough of the day. Basically that's what my mind is saying what I want to do with them. Which I already know. That part isn't an issue. I'm used to that I'm very aware of it. I've been that way since I was 12. That's my sexuality. My thing was the sexual interest in men I'm not attracted to. These thoughts were not racing. Nor non-stop. More so actually a little small drip basically. As I described it was very gradual over months time of regularly seeing that individual. Basically. In the first case. And in the second case I don't particularly have sexual thoughts. I have more so things where it's just awkward sometimes. An incident that I am explaining. It was only a social thing. Definitely nothing else. Like I've never had any sexual thoughts in that case. Just favoring his height and sone characteristics as far as that but not necessarily explicit thoughts because I hardly am around him and hardly work with him may be one or two hours out of a rare week basically. So definitely not racing thoughts. First individual we literally talked about phone male genitals and other um nsfw stuff so it wasnt really that odd I would think that way now men I'm attracted to I dont get pushed in that direction normally because I naturally feel that way about men I'm attracted to. In that case it wasn't like that. It was more so there was kind of other things that contributed to it. Wow it would not have probably occurred otherwise. Interacting with someone over and over and over again having somewhat of weird conversations on top of it. Is not going to be conducive to not having those kinds of thoughts. I guess but I was trying to say in the latter case was I felt like it was weird that I have that tendency. It doesn't quite seem that is something that I've actually thought about an explicit sense.

[stillafool]

Have you ever had a long term boyfriend?

[Inmy30s]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Have you ever had a long term boyfriend?

Yeah definitely 5 years my body count is 5 and they're all very good looking like 8/9/10s the guys ive dated thats my preference it was just those two instances where weird interest occurred

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Inmy30s said:

Yeah definitely 5 years my body count is 5 and they're all very good looking like 8/9/10s the guys ive dated thats my preference it was just those two instances where weird interest occurred

Are you saying you were in a 5 year relationship?

[Inmy30s]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

You're 23 years old, give yourself a break, this is a time of discovery for you. Sexual attraction do change with the years, I am not attracted toward the same men I was when I was 20. 

You did not answer my question but: Are you capable of forming emotional bond with your family and friends? If yes then eventually you will feel the need to bond with a partner, it just has not happen till now and I don't see anything wrong with it. Not everybody's definition of happiness goes through bonding with a mate. 

So you like what you like, as long as you don't put yourself in danger, don't let any of these 'bad boys' control & manipulate you, it's just sex. Be smart with your health and always protect yourself. 

I'm 30 not 23. But much of what I'm talking about is when I was 29 because I just turned 30 like 4 days ago. I don't really have a lot of family members. So emotional connection isn't really a thing. Like for example I have a strange relationship with my grandma and my mom and my mom has a strange relationship with her mother as well all of her family honestly seem hateful jealous annoying people. I have talked to specifically my aunt on my dad's side it's a half through the father's side. And I would love to get to know her. Same with my dad's dad. Other than that. On that side of the family. They're crazy in my opinion. When I say crazy it's this. How can you be so angry just because my mother didn't like or didn't want me around them. That you want to have an issue with me. When I didn't do anything. Like my father's mother literally tries to spread around that side of the family that my father had no children. Pretends we don't exist. As in myself and I have a possible half-brother. Of which I have no idea where he is. Or if he's even alive. He could have died in infancy. I have no idea. So yeah I don't really have emotional connections to any of my family. Particularly some of my cousins I just think are such trash. I'm sorry. But I do. That's how my mom's side. Many of them are angry unattractive and overweight. And trashy.

[Inmy30s]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Are you saying you were in a 5 year relationship?

Yes I was mostly during the pandemic.

[Inmy30s]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Are you saying you were in a 5 year relationship?

My relationships with men have always been mainly sexual. Never emotional. If I was sexually attracted to a guy and he was monetarily secure. I could imagine being with him. If he's not annoying. Some men who are masculine. Can be a problem. For me. Because I tend to be masculine myself. So for me it's always got to be a balance.

[Inmy30s]

6 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Just sounds like a garden-variety Chubby Fetish to me. Nothing to see here. 

I can't express myself well enough here. Because it's definitely not a fetish. I was explaining previously that I didnt like the idea but still was sexually interested. Meaning a big issue in the first case of my thoughts was I didnt like that such person was overweight but was still somewhat attracted same case in the second instance however I am around him less so I never went into those bounds basically.

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Inmy30s said:

Yes I was mostly during the pandemic.

The pandemic didn't last 5 years.  Were you in a relationship for 5 years?

3 minutes ago, Inmy30s said:

My relationships with men have always been mainly sexual. Never emotional. If I was sexually attracted to a guy and he was monetarily secure. I could imagine being with him. If he's not annoying. Some men who are masculine. Can be a problem. For me. Because I tend to be masculine myself. So for me it's always got to be a balance.

If you've never been in with a man in an emotional and sexual way you've never had a boyfriend, only sex with men.  I think you want a boyfriend but try to convince yourself that you only want sex.

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Inmy30s said:

I can't express myself well enough here. Because it's definitely not a fetish. I was explaining previously that I didnt like the idea but still was sexually interested. Meaning a big issue in the first case of my thoughts was I didnt like that such person was overweight but was still somewhat attracted same case in the second instance however I am around him less so I never went into those bounds basically.

So what?  I've always only been attracted to physically fit men but one time fell head over heels for an obese man.  It happens.

[Inmy30s]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

The pandemic didn't last 5 years.  Were you in a relationship for 5 years?

If you've never been in with a man in an emotional and sexual way you've never had a boyfriend, only sex with men.  I think you want a boyfriend but try to convince yourself that you only want sex.

It lasted from 2017 to 2022 so the bulk of that is the pandemic

 

 

 

No emotionally I am more actually attracted to feminine people. Like women. Trans women agender people. So forth feminine people I've never been emotionally attracted to a man who identified as a man. Interesting but I haven't. Get more so goes back to the yin and yang thing. I'm a yang. So I need a yen but I'm not attracted to female bodies I actually think females are very unattractive. I don't like the bone structure. And a lot of other things. So I'm not sexually attracted to women. But emotionally

[Gaeta]

If you don't wish to make an emotional connection and commitment then what's the problem?

[Inmy30s]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

So what?  I've always only been attracted to physically fit men but one time fell head over heels for an obese man.  It happens.

That's not head over heels. I never get like that. It's just my sexual interest like I said I've never been emotionally attracted to men. It's always been sexual. Only. Now I can be emotionally attracted to people who are more feminine. Like people who identify as agender or trans women. And many of the time I can also be physically attracted to them. But I'm never attracted to anyone who was born a female. I like feminine people. And usually those feminine people don't identify as been. It's just how it is.

[Weezy1973]

I’m not really seeing the problem OP. It just seems you’re attracted to a couple guys that aren’t your traditional type. You can enjoy the fantasies and let that be that.

[stillafool]

23 minutes ago, Inmy30s said:

27 minutes ago, Inmy30s said:

It lasted from 2017 to 2022 so the bulk of that is the pandemic

 

No it did't, it lasted from 2019 to mid 2022.  So you've never been in an actual relationship.  Just sex with men.  Only emotionally attracted to women and trans people.  Okay, so what is your complaint?   It's just how you are and what you like.   No big deal as everyone is different.

 

[Alpacalia]

At some point you have to just say to yourself, this is what I am attracted to, and leave it at that.

I get the whole "why am I x, y, z" but that's best reserved for the things in life we have some degree of influence over. Female, male, bisexual, asexual is not something you can control with intent and deliberate thought.

If you feel like it's hindering you in some way and is something that you have to interact with, like a worldview or perspective that needs some work, that's one thing. But if it's a preference, and one doesn't need to justify their preferences. We all have our own reasons for our attraction towards others and if/when we choose to act on it, enter into a relationship with someone (let it be an overweight, obese one or otherwise) we'll be better for it whatever those reasons were.  

To love or not to love for x, y, z is really just what's in your heart.

How you explain or rationalize it goes back to that aforementioned spectrum.

And, no need to feel guilty for who you are attracted to.

Without understanding where a problem lies there isn't enough to actively do anything about without destabilizing your identity and self-worth. Ultimately, you have to define what your end game is, and why it matters so much to you? Our preferences are molded by, we didn't choose them, they chose us. And woven into that fabric of who you are, are also a great many other (possibly more interesting) qualities and traits that are in here for the ride.

It doesn't sound like you have a problem that needs solving at all. It just sounds like you are going through thick with your personal desires (and the merits and propriety of). And perhaps that'd be the only thing to 'fix' here, and even then it might not need fixing. Maybe you're just happy creating a neutral state of being and wonderment about it. I suggest giving it the respect it deserves, by truly allowing yourself to be curious.

The more you just accept it, the clearer you'll end up being to yourself and the closer you'll get to being fully accepting and loving yourself as you are.

Edited November 20, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Inmy30s]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

I’m not really seeing the problem OP. It just seems you’re attracted to a couple guys that aren’t your traditional type. You can enjoy the fantasies and let that be that.

My point was to prom. One was specifically that I felt that was problematic because of my choice in men cuz in the past been problematic. And a good way that I sifted through was generally looks. And now that that has kind of Fallen through. I feel like in the future it could be a problem. It currently isn't a problem. But it could be in the future.

 

 

 

Also I was just generally asking out of curiosity. If you are turning 30. Does one's interest change? Cuz I remember that people were saying sometimes lesbians don't actually become lesbian until they're older. Because women sometimes take longer to figure out their sexuality. So that was part of my question. Not am I a lesbian. More so does sexuality change for everyone once they hit around 30 years old.

 

 

Also when we're talking about other environments forced interactions and so forth. It does become more of a problem when it's not just Attractive people but it could be possibly other types of people. Because for example it's weirder to me and harder to handle. Social interactions with people that I don't find attractive that I am sexually interested in in normal situations I am not that uncomfortable because I'm already used to it. And it's not like it's really that big of an issue to me because I'm not really ashamed of being attracted to them so it's just like whatever. While someone who I don't want to be attracted to. It's more of a problem. Because you're trying to hide something that you don't want known to people. It's not something I'm used to faking. Basically. So it takes time. More than something I'm already prepared for. So it's made things awkward in the past. So there are things I need to work aroubd it is true I do need to be more selective outside of looks and I need to do better socializing with all types of people even people I dont expect any interest in

[Inmy30s]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

 

3 years of the the relationship we were in the pandemic out of the 5 years we were together But he had a lot of money and I liked going out with him particular activities and he was perfect in bed so we were in a consistent relationship for 5 years like boyfriend girlfriend. Type of thing.

 

 

My complaint is I need a better filter and a better backbone if this spreads to other people basically.

[Inmy30s]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

At some point you have to just say to yourself, this is what I am attracted to, and leave it at that.

I get the whole "why am I x, y, z" but that's best reserved for the things in life we have some degree of influence over. Female, male, bisexual, asexual is not something you can control with intent and deliberate thought.

If you feel like it's hindering you in some way and is something that you have to interact with, like a worldview or perspective that needs some work, that's one thing. But if it's a preference, and one doesn't need to justify their preferences. We all have our own reasons for our attraction towards others and if/when we choose to act on it, enter into a relationship with someone (let it be an overweight, obese one or otherwise) we'll be better for it whatever those reasons were.  

To love or not to love for x, y, z is really just what's in your heart.

How you explain or rationalize it goes back to that aforementioned spectrum.

And, no need to feel guilty for who you are attracted to.

Without understanding where a problem lies there isn't enough to actively do anything about without destabilizing your identity and self-worth. Ultimately, you have to define what your end game is, and why it matters so much to you? Our preferences are molded by, we didn't choose them, they chose us. And woven into that fabric of who you are, are also a great many other (possibly more interesting) qualities and traits that are in here for the ride.

It doesn't sound like you have a problem that needs solving at all. It just sounds like you are going through thick with your personal desires (and the merits and propriety of). And perhaps that'd be the only thing to 'fix' here, and even then it might not need fixing. Maybe you're just happy creating a neutral state of being and wonderment about it. I suggest giving it the respect it deserves, by truly allowing yourself to be curious.

The more you just accept it, the clearer you'll end up being to yourself and the closer you'll get to being fully accepting and loving yourself as you are.

I was raised in a thin supremacist household so I think thats why its harder to accept plus I look very young so yeah another reason wthose instances were harder to accept etc..... But youre definitely right

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Inmy30s said:

Why is it wrong for a woman to have sexual thoughts?

That's not the issue. It seems you're upset about the type of men you're having sexual thoughts about.

Or that you may act on sexual thoughts you have about obese, elderly or dangerous men.

It's not about racing thoughts, it's that you seem to be struggling with the thoughts.