I Keep Seeing My Ex.

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

My ex and I are broken up over a year at this point. 

I am over the entire thing and I have no ill feelings towards him. He was caught flirting on the verge of kissing another girl which is what lead to the break up. It wasn't the most pleasant of break ups but I have made my peace with it. 

Last weekend, I was out with friends at a bar, and one of my friends spotted my ex come in with his friends. My friend was at the bar and got talking to my ex for a few minutes and invited him to come over and say hello to me and my other friends to which he replied absolutely not. I didn't ask my friend to do that and was a little annoyed she asked him to come over. I have no bad feelings towards him and I would have been courteous had he come over. 

I have seen him around a good bit as of lately almost a least once a week. Where before I never saw him. I mostly pretend he doesn't exist and go about my night as normal. 

Anyway fast forward to Saturday just gone, and again he shows up to the same bar I am in. Except this time instead of keeping his distance he stood pretty close to me and my friends. So the bar we are at has 3 floors with 3 different bars, so my friends and I decided to go to another floor and maybe 5/10 minutes later my ex and his friends come to the bar on the floor that we just got too except this time he stands right behind me. My back was to his back, he could have stood anywhere else as it wasn't particularly busy but stood right behind me so much so that I felt his presence behind me.  

Him and his friends eventually left to go to the other bar, later on myself and my friends went to the bar on the ground floor for some dancing and he showed up shortly after with his friends and again stood maybe 2 foot away from me. 

I could see him and I am sure he could see me, I have no doubt he could see me as I passed by him on the way to the toilet. So here's my questions do I say hello or keep pretending he doesn't exist. I would have given him a smile or even a polite nod however because of his reaction to my friend of absolutely not wanting to come and say hello or hi. It makes me uneasy that he is still angry over the break up considering it was him that caused it and then the whole standing beside me, purposely walking past me and so on.

I don't think he is stalking/trying to show up to places he knows where I am. He doesn't come across as someone like that. We are in no contact and have been since we broke up so I don't understand why he would be holding onto anger.  

I don't know what to do. I feel bad pretending he doesn't exist as I thought we where mature enough to show some respect but then it also means I can't even look around the bar to see what guys are checking me out :P for fear of making eye contact with him. 

So I'm turn do I say hi to him next time I see him or keep pretending he doesn't exist, which is hard to do when someone literally stands back to back to you and shows up where ever you go.

I think this is maybe the 5/6th time I have seen him in the last few weeks. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

 My friend was at the bar and got talking to my ex for a few minutes and invited him to come over and say hello to me and my other friends to which he replied absolutely not. 

Try to be polite but avoid him. Ask your friends to employe some appropriate boundaries and sensitivity. If possible, try to hang out in other places. 

[d0nnivain]

Can you vary your routine & try out a new bar?  

[Alpacalia]

I am not sure it matters if he was showing he was angry or making a move back in.

Put it this way, if I kept running into one of my exes, I would probably say hi on the first encounter exchange pleasantries and go on my merry way. I don't care how they would interpret my saying or not saying hi. Of course, I wouldn't want them to feel I was being rude or ignoring them, so saying hi would be my way of acknowledging them as a person while also keeping a healthy distance.

Go with what you're comfortable, however remember he is your ex leave it at that, good day, good bye you're supposed to live your life and forget about him.

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to be polite but avoid him. Ask your friends to employe some appropriate boundaries and sensitivity. If possible, try to hang out in other places. 

I agree, I think my friend was just being polite. I have been going to different bars and places and he still pops up which is annoying. 

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

9 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I am not sure it matters if he was showing he was angry or making a move back in.

Put it this way, if I kept running into one of my exes, I would probably say hi on the first encounter exchange pleasantries and go on my merry way. I don't care how they would interpret my saying or not saying hi. Of course, I wouldn't want them to feel I was being rude or ignoring them, so saying hi would be my way of acknowledging them as a person while also keeping a healthy distance.

Go with what you're comfortable, however remember he is your ex leave it at that, good day, good bye you're supposed to live your life and forget about him.

I have no intention of wanting to get back with him by any means. I just don't know how to deal with him constantly showing up to places I am at and letting his presence be known but not akwknowlaging me either. I would have given him a polite nod or smile from across the bar when I first saw him but I got the vibe he is angry from what he said to my friend so should I just keep pretending he doesn't exist? 

 

[stillafool]

I too would just say hi if we came face to face and keep it moving.  That is being polite but not getting involved.  No need to make conversation.  Try not to look at it like he's following you.  Do you live in a small town?  I don't think he was angry because he said "absolutely not" about coming over to greet you and your friends, but more like not to intrude on your evening since you're broken up.  I would try to not guess what he's thinking or feeling and just go about your evening enjoying your friends.

Edited November 20, 2023 by stillafool

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

48 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Can you vary your routine & try out a new bar?  

I have been, different bars and some of my regular spots and he still pops up. Its odd because its only in the last month that I have seen him nearly every weekend. Where as before I hadn't seen him in months. 

He will make conversation with my friends if they pass by each other but not me. Now I do try to avoid having to walk past him. But for instance while I went to the toilet on Saturday he spoke to all my friends while I was gone. So its just a weird situation to be in. 

Even on Saturday I was talking to my friends, so I was facing my friends and a wall. He moved from being out of my eyesight to being in it and began kissing some girl. It didn't get to me, I was kind of happy he met someone on the night but I am 97% sure he deliberately moved into my eyeline as my back was to him originally. I am glad he done it though as it confirmed I was 100% over him as I felt nothing but a bit of happiness for him. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

He will make conversation with my friends if they pass by each other but not me.

Why haven't you talked to him?  

[Alpacalia]

10 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

I have no intention of wanting to get back with him by any means. I just don't know how to deal with him constantly showing up to places I am at and letting his presence be known but not akwknowlaging me either. I would have given him a polite nod or smile from across the bar when I first saw him but I got the vibe he is angry from what he said to my friend so should I just keep pretending he doesn't exist? 

 

If he repeatedly appears in places where your paths might cross, I can't help but wonder if it's pure coincidence or if he's intentionally following or keeping track of your whereabouts?

Once or twice might be understandable, but it's becoming a noticeable pattern. You might feel the urge to be kind to someone from your past, especially if you shared good times together.

But in this case, your ex has hurt and mistreated you. I broke things off with an ex after he kissed someone else, and we had no contact for years. When he reached out through a mutual friend, I thought a simple hello wouldn't hurt. But he kept mentioning intimate moments and old memories, which felt inappropriate. I told him his comments weren't welcome and that staying in touch wasn't a good idea before blocking him.

No need to actively ignore or freeze him out, just keep your distance. If he keeps showing up or moving between places, plan an exit. Ideally, chatting freely at a venue shouldn't involve worrying about specific people. If he's noticeable and you're avoiding him, change locations.

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

55 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why haven't you talked to him?  

I never really had the chance, when he was chatting to my friends I wasn't there. When I came back they told me he had come over to say hello. The reason I haven't spoken to him at all was for fear of either being ignored, told to f*$k off. He didn't handle the break up very well and got pretty petty towards the end. So while i have moved on, My fear for approaching him is still there of what reaction I will get. 

He said it to another friend about 3/4 weeks ago who saw him and blamed me for my friends not being allowed to talk to him. He said oh it looks like your the only the only friend allowed talk to me. This was because after the break up my friends removed him from their social media pages. I didn't tell them to do it or ask they done it themselves but he blames me for it. I only found this out last week that he still blames me for my friends unfollowing him. So that kind of put me off wanting to say a quick hello as I didn't if it would be welcomed especially given he only came up to my friends when I had left to use the toilet. 

 

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

28 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

If he repeatedly appears in places where your paths might cross, I can't help but wonder if it's pure coincidence or if he's intentionally following or keeping track of your whereabouts?

Once or twice might be understandable, but it's becoming a noticeable pattern. You might feel the urge to be kind to someone from your past, especially if you shared good times together.

But in this case, your ex has hurt and mistreated you. I broke things off with an ex after he kissed someone else, and we had no contact for years. When he reached out through a mutual friend, I thought a simple hello wouldn't hurt. But he kept mentioning intimate moments and old memories, which felt inappropriate. I told him his comments weren't welcome and that staying in touch wasn't a good idea before blocking him.

No need to actively ignore or freeze him out, just keep your distance. If he keeps showing up or moving between places, plan an exit. Ideally, chatting freely at a venue shouldn't involve worrying about specific people. If he's noticeable and you're avoiding him, change locations.

I don't know. I doubt he is following me or keeping track tbh. I don't think he thinks of me at all which is fair. But I just found it intimidating that he will say hello to my friends, he knows I know he's there. He purposely stands right beside me and yet doesn't say a thing. As I said the bar we where in is a very big bar over 3 floors and every time we moved to a different place in the bar he would show up a few minutes later and stand close by when he could stand anywhere he kept choosing to stand right beside where I was. We moved between the different floors on the bar and every time we did he would show up. 

I don't feel the need to speak to him, however I think its kind of childish to not even acknowledge each other but I am petrified to do it as I don't know what sort of reaction I will get and then it makes me uneasy. I thought it was neutral ground between us until my friend told me he was angry at me for my friends unfollowing him. 

If it was a case of him trying to be intimidating why now? It kind of feels like he's doing it on purpose, maybe its to show he is over the break up but Its bizarre. My friend thinks he's trying to get my attention as she cant understand why he would be behaving like that. 

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

So while i have moved on, My fear for approaching him is still there of what reaction I will get. 

I think he feels the same way.  You're right he probably thinks your friends removed him from social media because you're angry with him.  Because he thinks you're angry he doesn't approach you to talk.  Actually, since you're broken up there really is no reason to talk to each other.  It is okay for him to chat with your friends and you with his.  It is polite to say hello when you run into each other.

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

I thought it was neutral ground between us until my friend told me he was angry at me for my friends unfollowing him. 

Did he come out and tell your friend he was angry at you because your friends are no longer following him?  Is he interested in one of them?

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

I never really had the chance, when he was chatting to my friends I wasn't there.

You said he stands right by you where ever you go when in the club.

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You said he stands right by you where ever you go when in the club.

Yes, he did multiple times throughout the night. However he only chatted to my friends when I was either at the bar or in the bathroom. He never chatted to them while I was there. He stood behind me most of the night, even when we moved he would show up with his friends and stand very close again. At one point I felt him right up against my back. We where essentially back to back. 

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

17 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Did he come out and tell your friend he was angry at you because your friends are no longer following him?  Is he interested in one of them?

He told one of my friends. But he didn't say he was angry he just said "oh you must be the only friend who's allowed talk to me". My friend told me he wasn't happy that the others had removed him from social media by the tone of his voice when he said it. I have no idea if he could be interested in one of them. Maybe he is but I don't know. 

[Alpacalia]

37 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

The reason I haven't spoken to him at all was for fear of either being ignored, told to f*$k off. He didn't handle the break up very well and got pretty petty towards the end. So while i have moved on, My fear for approaching him is still there of what reaction I will get. 

Why are you so petrified to acknowledge him or afraid of his reaction in a way that seems like you're afraid that he's mad or angry at you. Can you delve into that a little bit more? Like what do you think his reaction is gonna be? It sounds like the two of you ended because of him flirting with another girl oh, I know that you said he flirted with another girl and so you seem like you're afraid of his reaction or him being that mad because, it sounds like, you feel like you owe him something, like you're, you're afraid of some kind of repercussion, can you go into that a little bit more like why you are afraid of his reaction so much?

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

22 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I think he feels the same way.  You're right he probably thinks your friends removed him from social media because you're angry with him.  Because he thinks you're angry he doesn't approach you to talk.  Actually, since you're broken up there really is no reason to talk to each other.  It is okay for him to chat with your friends and you with his.  It is polite to say hello when you run into each other.

I agree I don't see any reason for us to talk to each other. Maybe he does feel the same as I do and is afraid to say hello. But why talk to my friends when I am not there. I know it seems like I am reading into it and to a point I am. I don't want to have to constantly pretend he isn't there. I am happy to be cordial and polite, a quick hello or even a smile. 

Maybe my friend was right and he was trying to get my attention by standing so close to me. But because I didn't know the reaction I would get I purposely tried to ignore his presence. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

I agree, I think my friend was just being polite. I have been going to different bars and places and he still pops up which is annoying. 

Yes it's annoying. Like cockroaches you can't get rid of. It must be no fun going out with friends to mingle and meet people and he's lurking around being sort of a distraction. Keep trying different places.

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

Yes, he did multiple times throughout the night. However he only chatted to my friends when I was either at the bar or in the bathroom. He never chatted to them while I was there. He stood behind me most of the night, even when we moved he would show up with his friends and stand very close again. At one point I felt him right up against my back. We where essentially back to back. 

Yes you made this clear.  I meant while he standing behind you, why didn't you turn around and say hi and then turn back around?

 

8 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

He told one of my friends. But he didn't say he was angry he just said "oh you must be the only friend who's allowed talk to me". My friend told me he wasn't happy that the others had removed him from social media by the tone of his voice when he said it. I have no idea if he could be interested in one of them. Maybe he is but I don't know. 

It's best to tell your friends not to report back to you what an ex says because as you can see she's only guessing what he meant.  She doesn't know whether he's unhappy or not.  He obviously wasn't too bothered they removed him from their social media or he wouldn't have been over there talking to them.  He may like some of them and sad to lose them as friends because of the break up.

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

But why talk to my friends when I am not there.

Because that is the best time to talk to them.  If you were there it would seem like he was just coming over to talk to them because he wanted to see you.

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Why are you so petrified to acknowledge him or afraid of his reaction in a way that seems like you're afraid that he's mad or angry at you. Can you delve into that a little bit more? Like what do you think his reaction is gonna be? It sounds like the two of you ended because of him flirting with another girl oh, I know that you said he flirted with another girl and so you seem like you're afraid of his reaction or him being that mad because, it sounds like, you feel like you owe him something, like you're, you're afraid of some kind of repercussion, can you go into that a little bit more like why you are afraid of his reaction so much?

I can think of a few reasons, 

I think one of them is if I said hello and he either ignored me or was rude it would hurt. We didn't end on the best of terms. I was pretty angry and we both said some horrible things. Nothing majorly bad but I wasn't exactly nice but neither was he towards the end. That is my worry, I am over it and have let it go. However I don't know if he is and I think that's a big worry on my side. 

I think I am afraid because up until the end of the relationship he was a gentleman and then got very abusive at the very end during the breakup stage. Not physically I should stress but I saw a side to him that scared me a bit and while I have let it go I still have it in the back of my mind about how mean he was at the end and that is why i am afraid to say hello or even a quick hi as where we left it wasn't in a great place and I don't want it to come back up again or to open a can of worms.

He scares me a little bit which is why I was a little afraid to approach him as I don't know what mood or reaction I will get. 

 

 

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes it's annoying. Like cockroaches you can't get rid of. It must be no fun going out with friends to mingle and meet people and he's lurking around being sort of a distraction. Keep trying different places.

It's terrible that every time I go somewhere I have to scan the room to make sure he's not around. Its funny as with any of my other exes I maybe saw once since the break up at a bar or restaurant. Him I have seen nearly every weekend. 

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Yes you made this clear.  I meant while he standing behind you, why didn't you turn around and say hi and then turn back around?

 

It's best to tell your friends not to report back to you what an ex says because as you can see she's only guessing what he meant.  She doesn't know whether he's unhappy or not.  He obviously wasn't too bothered they removed him from their social media or he wouldn't have been over there talking to them.  He may like some of them and sad to lose them as friends because of the break up.

I was very uneasy when he was behind me. I think I was to chicken to turn around and face him. Had I walked by him I would have given a nod or smile but he's very tall and I'm not so it was a  little intimidating with him right behind me. 

I also told my friends to not tell me what he says. I told my friend not to invite him over to say hello a few weeks ago and she did anyway. That's when they got chatting at the bar. Now that I think about it she might be secretly trying to force a reconciliation or open the conversation with me and my ex.