How excited should you be about someone you're dating?

[lovesfool]

I've started dating someone recently and he's great. He ticks all the boxes. Good looks, smart, caring, shows genuine interest in me. There is a long-distance element which complicates things a little, but I don't think that's relevant to this issue.

I really enjoy spending time with him and I'm never bored. We've been chatting online for a long time but have only met in person on two occasions, although these were for a number of days each time and we were together 24/7.

I care for him but I don't really feel excited. We hadn't seen each other for a few weeks and he said how he couldn't wait to see me. I obviously was looking forward to seeing him (and made lots and lots of preparations in expectation of him), but I wouldn't describe it as being excited. 

I feel like he has fallen deeply for me and I don't match that same energy, at least for now. He is full of statements of appreciation for me, saying that I'm gorgeous, that he loves spending time with me, misses me when I'm not around etc. It's amazing to have someone that feels that way, but I'm worried about not feeling the same way.

It's probably as intense a dating period I've had with someone in my life and have never felt as strongly about anyone before, but I never seem to get to the "head over heels" stage. I don't get excited about much in my life, even going on vacation! Is it just my personality? Or maybe I haven't reached the same point he has? Or is it just that I have not found anyone in all my years that can make me feel that way?

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

. There is a long-distance element which complicates things a little, but I don't think that's relevant to this issue  I eally enjoy spending time with him and I'm never bored. We've been chatting online for a long time but have only met in person on two occasions, 

How long have you been talking? How far apart are you? Have you both spent time in each other's area and homes?

You've only seen each other twice, albeit megamarathon dates. It is difficult to get excited about someone you rarely see and mostly have an electronic relationship with.

So in fact the distance is a huge factor you're hoping to overlook. Reflect if seeing someone here and there is really making you happy or if being alone  99% of the time while in "relationship" is something you can live with. 

 

[Gaeta]

44 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I obviously was looking forward to seeing him (and made lots and lots of preparations in expectation of him), but I wouldn't describe it as being excited. 

Not everybody falls in love the same way. For me it takes time. Like you at first I feel comfortable, happy, hopeful, at peace but not excited like 'love at first sight' type of thing. This path has always lead me to fall deeply in love within 3 months. On the other end when I met a man and felt like I had been hit by lightning the excitement fell flat soon after. 

That being said: long distance relationship have a very low rate of success. I don't know why anyone would consciously get into one. 

[lovesfool]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been talking? How far apart are you? Have you both spent time in each other's area and homes?

You've only seen each other twice, albeit megamarathon dates. It is difficult to get excited about someone you rarely see and mostly have an electronic relationship with.

So in fact the distance is a huge factor you're hoping to overlook. Reflect if seeing someone here and there is really making you happy or if being alone  99% of the time while in "relationship" is something you can live with. 

 

We have been talking for maybe 1.5 years and there is a 6 hour time difference. We both have had a few days in each of our current home cities. 

I don't know if the distance is a factor at all. I'm far from happy, but I don't know if I should be looking for more to find this excitement that I've never experienced or is this what it feels like to be in a solid relationship?

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Not everybody falls in love the same way. For me it takes time. Like you at first I feel comfortable, happy, hopeful, at peace but not excited like 'love at first sight' type of thing. This path has always lead me to fall deeply in love within 3 months. On the other end when I met a man and felt like I had been hit by lightning the excitement fell flat soon after. 

That being said: long distance relationship have a very low rate of success. I don't know why anyone would consciously get into one. 

That's a good point. I just worry about my pace of hitting that "in love" stage is very different to his. He seems to be head over heels about me, but I like him as much as if not more than the best relationship I've ever had to date in my life. Maybe this is my level of comfort and I just don't get that level of excitement?

[FredEire]

I think everyone goes at a different pace and it's rare that two people would be on exactly the same page attraction wise, even if they don't admit it at first. Speaking as someone who hasn't had many long term relationships and no stable happy ones (so pinch of salt 😂), I think the aim over time is to reach a stage where you both feel the same way. If you both like eachother it's worth trying and there's no rush, but it's true it can get overpowering if the other person is much more invested so maybe be honest if you need to and say you like him too but it's all going a bit fast for you.

And yeah long distance relationships as others in the thread have said just seem frustrating to me but hey if it works for you then go for it, and try to see him as much as you can.

Edited November 20, 2023 by FredEire

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I just worry about my pace of hitting that "in love" stage is very different to his. He seems to be head over heels about me, but I like him as much as if not more than the best relationship I've ever had to date in my life. Maybe this is my level of comfort and I just don't get that level of excitement?

Men have a different process then women do. 

When I met my boyfriend for the first time (14 months ago) he called me right after our date to tell me he had just found the woman he was looking for and he would do everything in his power to win my heart. Excited enough? haha! I told him to wait a little and to get to know me before saying I was the woman of his dreams because he might regret what he's wishing for. I did not share his initial over-the-moon excitement, I thought he was handsome, funny, he appeared stable and grounded so I dated him and each time we had a date I liked him more and more but it took me a couple of months to really let my guards down and let me feel. 

The question I ask myself when I have a slow start is: Am I curious of who else is out there? If the answer is yes then I am with the wrong man no matter how amazing he is.

So, are you still curious of who's out there? do you feel you're missing out on something else?

Then there is the issue of the distance. How will you ever get to know each other being that far apart? Chatting with someone does not compensate for time spent together. 

[lovesfool]

47 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Men have a different process then women do. 

When I met my boyfriend for the first time (14 months ago) he called me right after our date to tell me he had just found the woman he was looking for and he would do everything in his power to win my heart. Excited enough? haha! I told him to wait a little and to get to know me before saying I was the woman of his dreams because he might regret what he's wishing for. I did not share his initial over-the-moon excitement, I thought he was handsome, funny, he appeared stable and grounded so I dated him and each time we had a date I liked him more and more but it took me a couple of months to really let my guards down and let me feel. 

The question I ask myself when I have a slow start is: Am I curious of who else is out there? If the answer is yes then I am with the wrong man no matter how amazing he is.

So, are you still curious of who's out there? do you feel you're missing out on something else?

Then there is the issue of the distance. How will you ever get to know each other being that far apart? Chatting with someone does not compensate for time spent together. 

I have never thought of seeking out someone else for the past couple of months. Going on a dating app or chatting to a guy on a night out has not entered my mind. I guess all my needs are met with him. 

I'm worried this is some kind of self sabotage where I start to doubt myself when things start to get more serious.

[ZA Dater]

15 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I've started dating someone recently and he's great. He ticks all the boxes. Good looks, smart, caring, shows genuine interest in me. There is a long-distance element which complicates things a little, but I don't think that's relevant to this issue.

I really enjoy spending time with him and I'm never bored. We've been chatting online for a long time but have only met in person on two occasions, although these were for a number of days each time and we were together 24/7.

I care for him but I don't really feel excited. We hadn't seen each other for a few weeks and he said how he couldn't wait to see me. I obviously was looking forward to seeing him (and made lots and lots of preparations in expectation of him), but I wouldn't describe it as being excited. 

I feel like he has fallen deeply for me and I don't match that same energy, at least for now. He is full of statements of appreciation for me, saying that I'm gorgeous, that he loves spending time with me, misses me when I'm not around etc. It's amazing to have someone that feels that way, but I'm worried about not feeling the same way.

It's probably as intense a dating period I've had with someone in my life and have never felt as strongly about anyone before, but I never seem to get to the "head over heels" stage. I don't get excited about much in my life, even going on vacation! Is it just my personality? Or maybe I haven't reached the same point he has? Or is it just that I have not found anyone in all my years that can make me feel that way?

I think the bold parts are important to understand. As someone who has been through similar its very difficult to try make yourself feel that excitement but what I can tell you if you end it with him you will not feel very good, in my case I got dumped for other reasons but I still felt bad for not being as excited as I should have been when we were dating.

Its quite possibly a personality thing but I think you need to do some introspection to determine why.

[FMW]

22 hours ago, lovesfool said:

He is full of statements of appreciation for me, saying that I'm gorgeous, that he loves spending time with me, misses me when I'm not around etc.

This might be more of a personality thing on HIS part.  Some people are more free with compliments and expressions.  If your actual time together has been limited, he may just want to make sure you know he's interested.

Without spending regular time together face to face I don't think I would feel "crazy" about anyone either, no matter how much time I enjoyed talking to them and how many boxes they ticked.  So I don't think there's anything wrong with your more measured position.

As long as you're comfortable with and enjoying the relationship I wouldn't worry about things right now.  If you feel he's too intense with his feelings and it's making you uncomfortable or unsure, have a talk with him.

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, lovesfool said:

. I'm worried this is some kind of self sabotage where I start to doubt myself when things start to get more serious.

That's quite possible. Keep in mind unavailable people choose other unavailable people. In this case you decided to have a cyber relationship for over a year before you met. Perhaps hiding in that spot is comfortable. Like being in a relationship without being in a relationship? Maybe making it real by finally meeting just isn't what you hoped? 

[d0nnivain]

If you are not somebody who gets excited why do you feel you need to get excited about love?  

Lust & limerence are all about the excitement, the dizzying feeling of falling in love.  True love is more solid & reliable -- ticking all the boxes & having you be content, not needing to go out with others.  If you are enjoying what is happening, continue.  Excitement is fleeting.