Should I kiss him on Christmas or not?

[Rearview]

I met this guy through a mutual male friend in June. My friend was my former roommate and his current roommate. I sensed I had feelings for him on our first hangout which was organized by my friend. He was so charismatic and considerate, a total gentleman. Artistic guy. We shared so many common interests and opinions. I’ve never clicked with anyone like this before. Over the summer, we hung out often. With the company of my friend and sometimes just the two of us, but all in the name of friends. I fell for him as each passing day and those feelings grew stronger and eventually became love. I felt the same vibe from him. He would dm me daily even though the three of us have a group chat in which we talk about everything, he would say good nights with rhyming sentences, stare at me for an oddly long time until I became shy and asked him what’s going on, he would ask me to share pictures with him every time I went out, pictures of food, view and random things. A situationship, I might say. 

However, the backstory is that he told me he was a celibatarian the first time we met. In terms of physical needs, he would look for hook up and one night stand. Though what I want is a relationship, I fell for him like a moth to a flame. Ten years older than me, he wasn’t a celibatarian before and had a rich experience in relationships, had eight or nine girlfriends as he told me. Until four years ago, he went through a super toxic and abusive relationship, he started to see things differently and decided that relationship is not for him. I myself on the other hand, has zero experience in relationships.

Back to the story, he’s been sending me all the signals and I naively thought that I could save him from his last trauma and that I was the special one. Later when things got heat up, we specifically went to a café to talk about the situation. He then told me he was only into hook up and not looking for relationships, and that he wasn’t sending signals and even if there were, it was just a nice intention to a friend. He said if he liked me, he would have initiated it. He said he doesn’t want any advance to sabotage our friendship and he denied that his ex was the reason why he bacame a celibatarian. (I have to point out that after having his heart broken in the last relationship, except for work, he engaged in none social interactions for years until he met my friend last year and me this year, NOT the reason my a**!) Naturally I had my heart broken, he said there’s no need to feel embarrassed about it and we can still be friends. We hung out a couple times after, but I still find myself hung up on him. As painful as it is, I chose to see him less. Spent a long time healing, I finally got over him. 

However, early October he and my friend moved to my neighborhood under his suggestion, which is obviously closer to me and my friend’s girlfriend also lives here. He said he suggested they move here so that we can hang out more often. Ever since then, I’ve been going to their place 3-6 days a week. On a regular weekday night, my friend would go to his girlfriend’s and my crush and I would spend a movie night and have dinner at home. On weekends, I spend the entire day there when I’m not out with other friends. He checks every day to see if I wanna be there tonight. Over time, things got a little physical. I started to put my arm around his when we’re walking, occasionally put my head on his shoulder when we sit on the sofa, and since a freezing night out he offered to warm my hands by putting them in his pocket and holding them, we’ve been holding hands every time when he walks me back to my place after movie nights. I found myself back in love with him, which I shouldn’t have considering how hard it was for me to get over him. Not only emotionally, now I’m physically drawn to him. Whenever I’m with him, I just want to be closer and closer, again, which I shouldn’t have because this is an unsolvable problem, we want different things. The feeling of having a little treat and hope but knowing it will probably never lead somewhere sucks. So to end my misery, I plan on kissing him on Christmas, I know 80% I’ll get a negative feedback, things will become extremely weird, probably gonna lose him as a friend, even though I don’t want to given how close we’ve become, but I just don’t want to hide and bath in long lasting pain anymore. What should I do? Should I kiss him or not? Thank you to anyone who read my mumble jumble and much appreciate any comments!

Edited November 20, 2023 by Rearview

[stillafool]

Nope,  you should not try to kiss him.  He's told you how he feels about you.  I think you need to go back to distancing yourself from him before you end up very hurt.

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, Rearview said:

 he was a celibatarian the first time we met. In terms of physical needs, he would look for hook up and one night stand. . He said he doesn’t want any advance to sabotage our friendship 

He seems like a nice friend. However you would like more than friendship. Why not send a nice card. 

Since you're not dating and he's got some odd views on sexuality and relationships, (what exactly a is celibatarian who only wants one night stands and hookups?)

Why not step back and start talking to and meeting men who want what you want.  You seem to have a crush on an unavailable man.  Try to distance yourself and not get caught up in being mesmerized by double talk. 

[basil67]

If you're up for a casual hookup with zero expectations of a relationship, by all means kiss him.  But given your feelings for him, I think you'd be putting yourself on a fast train to heartbreak and unrequited love.  Is kissing him worth the heartbreak?

[Wiseman2]

He seems like a Svengali type, please step back to avoid the headaches and heartaches of having a crush on a man like this. 

[Alpacalia]

NO.

The only thing that's gonna fall is your dignity when he rejects you and things get awkward. He's a bit of loose ingle and you should let it go, let it gooooooo. (I know that's a Frozen reference, but it still applies).

[glows]

He’s ok with sex, right. The problem is you have feelings and he’s closed off to a relationship. I don’t think kissing him is such a big deal but it may wreck you because you are overwhelmed by feelings for this person.

Nowhere did I see that you want a relationship with him. This is also posted in the Friends & Lovers forum. Do you want kissing and sex (just a hook up or no strings sex) or a relationship with him? The latter isn’t an option. You can pretty much do whatever you want  on any given day nevermind Christmas. Just be aware of what you’re in for and your limits please.

 

[Rearview]

18 hours ago, stillafool said:

Nope,  you should not try to kiss him.  He's told you how he feels about you.  I think you need to go back to distancing yourself from him before you end up very hurt.

Yes it will be painful but effective, but I don’t want to lose him as a friend, I’m worried even if I get over him this time, I’ll fall back when we start to hang out later.

[Rearview]

18 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Since you're not dating and he's got some odd views on sexuality and relationships, (what exactly a is celibatarian who only wants one night stands and hookups?)

Why not step back and start talking to and meeting men who want what you want.  You seem to have a crush on an unavailable man.  Try to distance yourself and not get caught up in being mesmerized by double talk. 

I meant to say someone who refuses to be involved in relationships and only prefer hookups and one night stands, not sure if i was using the right word though. Great advice, especially on the last paragraph, I appreciate that.

[Rearview]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

NO.

The only thing that's gonna fall is your dignity when he rejects you and things get awkward. He's a bit of loose ingle and you should let it go, let it gooooooo. (I know that's a Frozen reference, but it still applies).

Lol one of my girl friends use the exact same quote to tell me to let it go. But I do wonder, what exactly is a loose ingle?

[Rearview]

2 hours ago, glows said:

He’s ok with sex, right. The problem is you have feelings and he’s closed off to a relationship. I don’t think kissing him is such a big deal but it may wreck you because you are overwhelmed by feelings for this person.

Nowhere did I see that you want a relationship with him. This is also posted in the Friends & Lovers forum. Do you want kissing and sex (just a hook up or no strings sex) or a relationship with him? The latter isn’t an option. You can pretty much do whatever you want  on any given day nevermind Christmas. Just be aware of what you’re in for and your limits please.

 

Yes I’ve been avoiding a heartbreak all along but it seems like what I’ve been doing and plan to do is driving me to a drastic one. Also I put the post in this forum because I thought this is about transitioning from friends to lovers, no big deal though. Appreciate the advice.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Rearview said:

Lol one of my girl friends use the exact same quote to tell me to let it go. But I do wonder, what exactly is a loose ingle?

😜

Yes, it's best that you do (let it go). Recall, he said if he liked you, he would have initiated it and that he doesn’t want to sabotage your friendship. Imagine telling someone that you're not interested in them romantically and then they try to kiss you anyway. That would not only make them feel uncomfortable and violated, but it would also put your friendship in a very uncomfortable and potentially damaging situation.

Oops sorry I meant "loose" single. He doesn't want to be tied down to anyone. It's kind of a play on words because "single".

[MsJayne]

If he met someone he was really attracted to he'd be into relationships. He's full of it, and he may be just trying not to hurt your feelings, but I suspect he gets off on the idea of you worshipping the ground he walks on. So no, I suggest avoiding an embarrassing incident where you try to lock yuletide lips with him and he turns away and your lips meet his ear and it's all really awkward. He's made it clear he's not interested in you in terms of a relationship, you need to listen to him. Unless he approaches you waving a branch of mistletoe over his his head just drop this idea. Don't make your face the reddest thing in the Christmas scenario. 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Rearview said:

Yes it will be painful but effective, but I don’t want to lose him as a friend, I’m worried even if I get over him this time, I’ll fall back when we start to hang out later.

How will it be effective?

[d0nnivain]

23 hours ago, Rearview said:

 What should I do? Should I kiss him or not? 

What is a celibatarian?    The definition says it is somebody who is celibate.  Celibate means NO SEX ever.   This dude is not that.  You said he likes hook ups.  That is not being celibate.  Honey, he has turned into a cynical commitment phobe. He likes sex just fine but he's been so hurt he lost the ability to love & trust again.   You are playing with fire & you are going to get hurt. 

Your lack of relationship experience is showing.   This man has told you in no uncertain terms that he absolutely does not want what you want, a relationship.  He's not going to give it to you, no matter how hard you try or wish.  Why aren't you listening?  You can't fix him.  He doesn't think he's broken.  He doesn't want to be fixed.  When he said if he wanted more than friendship with you he would have gone for it, understand that means he knows you are not somebody to be trifled with so trust him on that.  Men who don't like / want commitment sometimes leave certain "good girls" alone because they aren't cads,  They also know it's much easier to hit it & quit it with woman who are DTF because they don't want the drama that comes from bedding wide-eyed innocents like you who are all about emotion.   

I really don't understand why you plan on kissing him for Christmas.  The day alone sounds messed up.  Christmas is about the birth of Jesus or Santa giving presents to kids if you are secular.  It is among the least sexy holidays out there, IMO.  At a Christmas party under the mistletoe maybe, but on Christmas day that just sounds weird.  

You were better off when you decided to put distance in here.  Do it again for your own safety & sanity.  

 

Let's say you go ahead with this daft plan.  It will go one of two ways: 

1).  You will aggravate him & destroy your friendship.  He set a boundary:  platonic friendship & you are hellbent on ignoring his wants / needs / expressed desire.  That is mean, rude & selfish.  If he is truly your friend, you have to respect what he wants.  Otherwise you are just a pushy B-word with no regard for somebody else.  I don't really think that is who you are.  

2).  He'll take you up on what you don't even understand you are offering.  The kiss will lead to sex.  Maybe you will become his F'buddy but you will never become his GF because he doesn't want a GF.   Your self esteem will be destroyed because you will never understand why / how he will accept your body but not all of you. That rejection will do serious emotional damage to you. He will continue to date & F other women because you two will never be exclusive or committed.   It will hurt in ways you can't comprehend because you have limited experience.  When people have sex their bodies release a hormone that helps them bond; when that is overridden it screws with your soul. 

Yes, some people can have NSA sex or be FWB.  You can't.  You are not wired that way.  You see love & sex from sort of a Hallmark movie / romance novel perspective where the lovers come together in a perfect kiss, all is right in the world, the scene fades & the credits roll.  What the movies & books don't tell you is that after the kiss / sex that is when the tough stuff happens, when you have to blend your lives & work together as a team.  That is the very stuff this guy absolutely does not want.  You can't force it on him & your kiss is not magic that will suddenly make him want those things. 

All the time you are wasting on him is time you are not using to find a good reliable BF who loves you back.  You are only hurting yourself here.  

For Christmas ask Santa for some pop psychology books about love & relationships.  You should read The Rules, develop some self respect & stop throwing yourself at a guy who has told you no multiple times.  At the very least stock up on ice cream because you are going to need it when he breaks your heart & your spirit.  

[stillafool]

12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

develop some self respect & stop throwing yourself at a guy who has told you no multiple times.

Sorry OP, but this is exactly what you're doing and it's not cute.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Rearview said:

 I thought this is about transitioning from friends to lovers, 

Unfortunately he's been crystal clear that he doesn't want a relationship. If you  want a hookup he may be down for that but he's not stringing you along. 

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, Rearview said:

Yes it will be painful but effective, but I don’t want to lose him as a friend, I’m worried even if I get over him this time, I’ll fall back when we start to hang out later.

Maybe it's time you got some control over how you navigate your own life.

You don't have to "fall back" into anything.  It's all a matter of choice.

Since you seem to be unable to keep the "friendship" boundary for yourself,  perhaps it's time for this "friendship" to end.    

[MsJayne]

6 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

What is a celibatarian? 

I've never heard this word either. I thought maybe it's someone who abstains from sex but likes vegetables. 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

I've never heard this word either. I thought maybe it's someone who abstains from sex but likes vegetables. 

LOL!!!!

[Rearview]

Thank you guys for all your advice, I haven't been able to reply due to a family emergency a couple of days ago, even missed Thanksgiving. 

Due to my lack of experience in relationships, I seem to have ignored and messed up a lot of things. Always fall for the wrong person and always so hesitant to quit it. Guess it's time for me to have an epiphany like he did. All in all, I have decided to abort the big plan and see him less. One of the comments asked if kissing him is worth the heartbreak. Indeed, it ISN‘T. 

Anyway hope I can update some good news later.