Is he cooling off before first date or is it me?

[CaliforniaGirl]

6 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said:

@ExpatInItaly initiated by him, but I kept batting the ball back.

Anyway @Versacehottie - I've figured out why he was taking a while to reply (which he did this morning).

I had asked him something which he couldn't avoid replying to in an honest way. He's just told me that he needs to move to the next country over in May.

He says he 'needs' to take the contract offered. I'm really surprised by this because he said he was seeking long term.

And also, I'm upset honestly. We talked about how we were both flexible/open to living in a range of places during our date. But he never mentioned the move.

Although we just met, I like him more than anyone I've met for years. And at this point I'm not quite sure how to respond.

I should mention his new city is 3 hours from where I am now. My job is mostly remote/moveable but it's too early to broach that.

Whoops, I didn't see this. He may be putting the brakes on a little because he senses how all-in you are. The talk about being willing to move to new countries, etc. And how yiu asked him something he couldn't avoid replying to.

I would.stop all that hinting at a future stuff. And definitely don't put him on the spot with hard questions. You've only been on one date. Just take it slowly and naturally.

[Insignificantdetails]

Yes @apilcalea we have plans to meet when he's back from Xmas visit.

@california girl for context - we were just chatting about countries we'd lived in and that we were both open to living in different places in the general sense. I'm surprised he didn't mention the move then but probably felt it's too soon.

Also I just referenced an event later in the year and he said he would miss it. When I asked why - because he won't be here!

For now I'll keep dating him but keep my wits about me. It's early days. I'm disappointed and think that's natural.

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

46 minutes ago, Insignificantdetails said:

For now I'll keep dating him

Sincere question, but why bother? 

[Insignificantdetails]

I suppose @ExpatInItaly because this is the first man I've had feelings for in years. 

Yes I'm aware it's early days. But I feel this way once in a blue moon.

We would be 3 hours apart. I already commute once a week to another city which would be in between. Its not a complete no.

But the issue is we have a short period of time to establish a solid foundation to start with before a move. I need to think about whether I want to explore that further for now.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Insignificantdetails said:

I suppose @ExpatInItaly because this is the first man I've had feelings for in years. 

What is it you are feeling after just one date? 

 

[NuevoYorko]

On 11/21/2023 at 7:09 AM, Insignificantdetails said:

 

@Versacehottie he expressed early on that he wants a serious monogamous relationship. But he is a little cool at times as you note and has a demanding job.

 

Just keep in mind that this doesn't mean that the two of you are on a track towards a "serious monogamous relationship."   Evidently you both have that as a goal but you have yet to go on a single date.  Where this date will lead?  Absolutely unknown.

People who want to ultimately find THE RIGHT PERSON for their serious relationship often need to date quite a few to get there.

[Insignificantdetails]

@ExpatInItaly a strong connection. A feeling of being understood on some important levels and I felt so at ease with him. Like I could be completely myself.

You may say there's no way to know on a first date.

But each of my LTRs, I had that strong pull from the first date. I've been on lots of pleasant and fun dates this year but that's all they were.

@NuevoYorko we have been on a date and had a wonderful time. See first page.

[ExpatInItaly]

18 minutes ago, Insignificantdetails said:

@ExpatInItaly a strong connection. A feeling of being understood on some important levels and I felt so at ease with him. Like I could be completely myself.

You may say there's no way to know on a first date.

One can feel all that on a first date. However, it remains to be seen if he felt it too. He has indeed just dropped the bomb on you that he is going to be leaving, which is why I caution you against putting too much weight on the feelings you are having. 

Keep perspective here, is my point. He might be great but not the right candidate for a relationship for you. 

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, Insignificantdetails said:

 

@NuevoYorko we have been on a date and had a wonderful time. See first page.

Right.   Sorry.  I was reading all the posts about the various times you didn't manage to get the first date to happen and I thought that was the status quo.  

In any case,  it does not look like this is going to turn out to be the "serious monogamous relationship" that either of you are hoping for in your futures, since he is moving to another country.   But I'm happy that you finally managed to have that date and you enjoyed it.

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Just keep in mind that this doesn't mean that the two of you are on a track towards a "serious monogamous relationship."   Evidently you both have that as a goal but you have yet to go on a single date.  Where this date will lead?  Absolutely unknown.

I wholeheartedly agree with this^^^^! It doesn't matter that Nuevo was off by the one date you did end up having...it was just one date...you are letting your anxiety drive the bus. Tough love: but WHY are you thinking about so far in the future and treating it AS IF you are going to be in a relationship? Honestly it doesn't matter what anyone has stated that they "want"...it still is TBD if they want that "with you" and if the whole thing ends up working out. You need time to do that and figure out compatibility, etc. 

The way you are thinking, OP, is going to self-sabotage things. Honestly, I'm not kidding, If having gone on ONE date (or even 4-5) and someone was meshing themselves in with major life moves of what the other person is considering, it's TOO much. It's smothery and anxiety-provoking for the other person. This kind of thinking is so much pressure and typically ruins more things than it helps. 

TBH, having responded to many questions like yours over my time on here, your last response to me, OP, followed the classic anxiety pattern. "oh i got the (anxiety-soothing!) response I needed and the explanation for, NOW i'm worried about THIS"...It's a bottomless pit that will be your undoing with this guy (and others.). Sorry, I'm trying to point this out to save you a lot of mess and usually IMO anxiety people keep doing their behavior because they will:

1) seek evidence to soothe their anxiety--thinking that is what they need to do rather than learn to self-soothe

2)be onto the NEXT dilemma as soon as they get the some evidence for the previous dilemma. The thinking is "if only"...you think you are making "progress" toward locking this guy down and you are likely driving him/other guys away with behavior like this. 

3)Meanwhile, in the back of your mind, NONE of the fears ever really goes away that's why they pop up in the form of new info-seeking questions constantly. And when the relationship fails or you get dumped etc, then you will INSIST to yourself "see I should have seen the SIGNS" and next time I'll be more vigilant" and then you go into the next relationship with virtually the same anxiety behaviors which now you feel are more justified than ever (and there's nothing anyone can say to prove you wrong and anyway you just feel better if you know this one part, and then the next part and so on and so on). It's vicious circle and bottomless pit. 

I know lots of people who survived what is going to happen if this guy moves away and are happy couple together in the same place now. And I know a ton of people who have driven away a promising relationship with anxiety stuff at every stage of a relationship (many of which don't many the commitment stage, but the getting to know you and dating stage or early commitment, yeah). 

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said:

Yes @apilcalea we have plans to meet when he's back from Xmas visit.

@california girl for context - we were just chatting about countries we'd lived in and that we were both open to living in different places in the general sense. I'm surprised he didn't mention the move then but probably felt it's too soon.

Also I just referenced an event later in the year and he said he would miss it. When I asked why - because he won't be here!

For now I'll keep dating him but keep my wits about me. It's early days. I'm disappointed and think that's natural.

 

 

 

Okay so just see how it goes. Not every date is supposed to lead to a committed relationship. Just enjoy each other's company and see where it takes you. If there's chemistry and a connection, great! If not, then at least you had a good time and met someone new. 

[NuevoYorko]

13 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said:

 

I had asked him something which he couldn't avoid replying to in an honest way. He's just told me that he needs to move to the next country over in May.

He says he 'needs' to take the contract offered. I'm really surprised by this because he said he was seeking long term.

And also, I'm upset honestly. We talked about how we were both flexible/open to living in a range of places during our date. But he never mentioned the move.

 

I have to say that it would be a red flag to many people to find themselves in a conversation about where to live in the future on a first date.  I would not be surprised if he wants to assert some distance at this point.   

[Insignificantdetails]

@NuevoYorko the conversation was a two way street.

We've both lived in multiple countries. It's the sort of conversation that often comes up with people that move around a lot. 'oh do you ever think about moving again...?'. In fact, now I think if it, he asked me first!

It was just a musing, the same type of chat I have with friends who have moved around - not a where would WE live. 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/8/2023 at 6:05 PM, Insignificantdetails said:

I shouldn't care because it's so early, of course. We still won't see each other IN PERSON for another 3 weeks. 

It's great you had a nice time. However he's seems quite busy travelling and moving around a lot. That even started right away with wanting to meet at an airport. That's ok. You're not exclusive so both of you are still talking to and seeing others. Stay in touch while he's away but reflect if someone this unavailable is a good fit. 

[stillafool]

After just one date and then a 3 week break after that is very risky to be waiting on someone to become your boyfriend.  Has he been in constant contact with you since he said he was going away?  Not just texts but phone calls as well every night?  If not, don't get your hopes up.  In the future if a guy tells you he's going away tell him to get in contact with you when he returns so there's no break between the first date and the second.  I'm saying this because a lot of girls come here and talk about how they met a guy but he's going on vacation and then they never hear back from him when he is supposed to be back in town.  I really don't understand why you would want to date a man who will soon move to another country.

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said:

@NuevoYorko the conversation was a two way street.

We've both lived in multiple countries. It's the sort of conversation that often comes up with people that move around a lot. 'oh do you ever think about moving again...?'. In fact, now I think if it, he asked me first!

It was just a musing, the same type of chat I have with friends who have moved around - not a where would WE live. 

 

What was the question you asked him that he couldn't avoid answering?

[Insignificantdetails]

@stillafool yes hes been in touch every night more or less. Calls and messaging. I was given the impression he was approaching this with serious intention.

Well I live in the UK - he will be 3 hours away. That will become 1.5 hours away for the days that I commute to my work office city.

I never really meet men I feel this way about. So it's early days but I don't this its crazy to at least ponder where this goes. I think he's pretty special. But I do acknowledge it's early days.

 

 

 

[Insignificantdetails]

@CaliforniaGirl I brought up going to an event in the city later this year. He said as long as it's by May for this year!

Me: 'Why by May'

Because I'm leaving the country....

Edited December 10, 2023 by Insignificantdetails

[NuevoYorko]

17 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said:

Although we just met, I like him more than anyone I've met for years. And at this point I'm not quite sure how to respond.

You just met?  Curious - you said he was an acquaintance at first.   Anyway, I am just kind of alarmed by how much you are talking about the future and the feelings you have about a person you truly do not know.  I get having an instant attraction.  But the future planning is precipitous

 

[Versacehottie]

15 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said:

I never really meet men I feel this way about. So it's early days but I don't this its crazy to at least ponder where this goes. I think he's pretty special. But I do acknowledge it's early days.

But this is why you're overvaluing the connection and sort of acting unrealistic (at this point) about things. Scarcity mindset. I think you should read up about it and also why it would contribute to your anxiety. 

 

18 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said:

We've both lived in multiple countries. It's the sort of conversation that often comes up with people that move around a lot. 'oh do you ever think about moving again...?'. In fact, now I think if it, he asked me first!

It was just a musing, the same type of chat I have with friends who have moved around - not a where would WE live. 

Ok, I get this. HOWEVER, you are taking the musing and sort of running with it based on your more candid thoughts that you are relaying here. Just keep it to where you are AT THIS MOMENT...which is second date and not thinking beyond that. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 12/9/2023 at 10:31 AM, Insignificantdetails said:

I suppose @ExpatInItaly because this is the first man I've had feelings for in years. 

Yes I'm aware it's early days. But I feel this way once in a blue moon.

We would be 3 hours apart. I already commute once a week to another city which would be in between. Its not a complete no.

But the issue is we have a short period of time to establish a solid foundation to start with before a move. I need to think about whether I want to explore that further for now.

 

But you do meet them, even if they're farther between than you'd like. That only makes sense because few people fall head over heels for person after person.

But here's something to think about. That feeling isn't coming from them. It's coming from you. I read a description once that read something like: when we look at a mountain and call it majestic, it isn't the mountain that's majestic. The mountain is just a geological formation. It's rocks, dirt, animals, insects and plants. *Our view of it* is where the majesty comes from. The whole idea of "majesty" (or beauty, ugliness, etc., etc.) is something we already embody or we wouldn't be able to have that feeling.

That may sound esoteric but it makes so much sense. That other person isn't necessariy some amazing person. They just have a set of characteristics that *we allow* to "make" us feel emotions. So yes. There will be others. You are ascribing rarity to this guy when in reality, you can and *will* have such feelings again. Don't feel like you have to grab this or that guy because he is so rare. He isn't rare, he's just a person. You will find that chemistry again.