Had a talk at 6 months. now things feel weird! What to do?

[MarkV]

Hi everyone

So I’ve been dating a girl for 6 months and things were going well until a month ago. We met through a mutual friend/s and her sister is married to one of my best friends.

Over the past month she has been working REALLY long hours with the NHS and has to get home,go to the gym,walk her dogs,do her chores etc. Recently I’ve been lucky if I see her one evening a week. She’s wanted us to go out for drinks,food etc rather than having me stay over to watch a movie etc. We haven’t had sex in nearly 6 weeks. It’s also on my mind that she hasn’t/expressed any desire to meet my friends or introduce me to her parents (who are excited to meet me).

So before I came away on a solo trip I decided to have a talk with her as I just don’t feel like a priority at the moment and that she’s happy for us to just coast along how we are but all I want is a little bit more of her time. I voiced it all based on how I felt from my side and said that I felt a drop in connection between us. She felt like she was being blamed for everything which just isn’t the case! I knew she’d act like that but I wasn’t criticising her at all,just voicing my feelings as I know what I’m looking for in a relationship and what I deserve. She never tells me how she feels about us and I feel like I’ve been very open with my feelings and where I’d like it to go. 

She then said she feels like we don’t talk about much when we are together but I said how can we have much to talk about when she doesn’t want to spend much time together? It’s just the normal daily talk. I alway suggest for us to go out and do fun stuff but her response sometimes is ‘that’s not really my thing’ etc etc and sometimes she seems grumpy. Her ex of 7 years cheated on her and since then her sister says that her guard is up and she doesn’t know why.

After the talk I felt like I had got it all off my chest and she also said what was bothering her. The lack of talk and also that she feels pressure by people about me and her. I’d like to think that a girl I’m dating after 6 months would like to meet my friends or at least mention it. I just feel a bit invisible in her life. I have come on holiday for a solo break as my work was manic and I needed to rest. She said we both need to have a breather and that we can still talk during the week. She gave me a big hug and kiss and messaged me the next day saying ‘safe travels and please let me know when you get there’ etc etc. But since Monday the talk has been limited etc even though she views my social media stories etc. When I have text her,the response has been friendly but not much of a conversation.

So what do I do from here? I now feel bad for bringing up what was on my mind but it was eating me up. All I asked for was a bit more time with her rather than one evening a week. She’s an over thinker and worried and her sister says I’m the nicest guy she’s dated and hopes it doesn’t fold.

I’m just so confused…..

[Alpacalia]

How long did her and her ex breakup before the two of you began dating? Is it just this last month that she has been working more? Does she really work long hours or is she using that as an excuse? I ask because at the beginning of this she was fine and isn’t now. Could it just be the “honeymoon phase” has worn off for her and she’s not as interested? Honestly to me it sounds like she’s stressed with her job, her sisters relationship goals/expectations and the fact that she is probably pressured by everyone to be moving forward faster/noticing how often you two are apart and isn’t sure what she should do.

Your taking her out and trying to make excitement in the relationship and she isn’t really interested.

So, for you, 4 weeks without and no gestures towards you is long, because you haven’t seen each other often in the course of a week….but I guess my biggest red flag is why she doesn’t talk to you. Is this something you should accept? Could it get better or worse with time? Some folks have a big attraction and date up close for weeks but don’t have much to say….but do they give good vibes and the relationship flourishes. Would that be okay for you?

She's focused on her personal life and career, while you're solely focused on pursuing her. This dynamic isn't sustainable.

Stay calm, perhaps refrain from daily conversations—and observe if that prompts a shift in her behavior. Either you guys communicate and keep things going, or you drift apart.

That's how it goes.

Edited November 22, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, dv123 said:

.After the talk I felt like I had got it all off my chest and she also said what was bothering her. She gave me a big hug and kiss and messaged me the next day saying ‘safe travels and please let me know when you get there’ etc etc. 

Sorry this happened. It seems like you both cleared the air, had a talk and discussed how incompatible you are. 

Unfortunately it seems like you broke up and she wants to stay friends. Perhaps take this time to reflect on the issues and that after just a few months dating there were a lot of complaints and unhappiness. 

It almost sounds like a breakup talk and that's how she interpreted it but you thought it was clearing the air? 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, dv123 said:

So what do I do from here?

You break up. 

A bond between a couple should grow stronger an closer with the months, not the opposite. You cannot fix this on your own and she does not want to participate to this relationship. 

When someone wants to leave your life....let them. 

There is no point in analyzing her past hurt, the end remains the same, she is unable to invest herself in a relationship with you. You're not 'the one' for her. 

Please don't drag this, it's not worth it. 

[ShyViolet]

This girl really doesn't sound that interested in you.  At 6 months of dating, it should be the honeymoon stage and you should be excited about each other.  She is simply not.  Instead of trying to force it, accept reality and let this one go.  

[MarkV]

27 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

How long did her and her ex breakup before the two of you began dating? Is it just this last month that she has been working more? Does she really work long hours or is she using that as an excuse? I ask because at the beginning of this she was fine and isn’t now. Could it just be the “honeymoon phase” has worn off for her and she’s not as interested? Honestly to me it sounds like she’s stressed with her job, her sisters relationship goals/expectations and the fact that she is probably pressured by everyone to be moving forward faster/noticing how often you two are apart and isn’t sure what she should do.

Your taking her out and trying to make excitement in the relationship and she isn’t really interested.

So, for you, 4 weeks without and no gestures towards you is long, because you haven’t seen each other often in the course of a week….but I guess my biggest red flag is why she doesn’t talk to you. Is this something you should accept? Could it get better or worse with time? Some folks have a big attraction and date up close for weeks but don’t have much to say….but do they give good vibes and the relationship flourishes. Would that be okay for you?

She's focused on her personal life and career, while you're solely focused on pursuing her. This dynamic isn't sustainable.

Stay calm, perhaps refrain from daily conversations—and observe if that prompts a shift in her behavior. Either you guys communicate and keep things going, or you drift apart.

That's how it goes.

They broke up a couple of years ago after he cheated on her. Yes she works with people with mental health and she is drained after work. She did tell me that her case load has doubled since we met and that she misses those days.

I agree with the family pressure and she’s told them to back off and that she’ll do things in her own time. I’m happy to go slow but the past few weeks she just hasn’t been herself. Some weekend days she just wants to be alone with her dogs as she says her social battery is dead. We only live 10 minutes from each other. She is always initiating the first messages up until the talk on Sunday. I’m now away on holiday and it feels weird as there is hardly any talk. Before I left she said it would be good for us to have that space but still talk. I messaged her yesterday to say that I was checking in etc and there were a few text exchanges but I sensed lack of emotion. It seems like when I say her down it really shocked her as when she walked in she looked worried like I was going to end it. What do I do now? Just leave her be?

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, dv123 said:

Before I left she said it would be good for us to have that space but still talk. Just leave her be?

Yes. Enjoy your travels and use this time for space and reflection. Please don't try to have relationship talks via text while away. 

[MarkV]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. Enjoy your travels and use this time for space and reflection. Please don't try to have relationship talks via text while away. 

Thank you. That’s pretty much what she said too. I just feel bad not messaging her (that’s the good guy in me)

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, dv123 said:

Hi everyone

So I’ve been dating a girl for 6 months and things were going well until a month ago. We met through a mutual friend/s and her sister is married to one of my best friends.

Over the past month she has been working REALLY long hours with the NHS and has to get home,go to the gym,walk her dogs,do her chores etc. Recently I’ve been lucky if I see her one evening a week. She’s wanted us to go out for drinks,food etc rather than having me stay over to watch a movie etc. We haven’t had sex in nearly 6 weeks. It’s also on my mind that she hasn’t/expressed any desire to meet my friends or introduce me to her parents (who are excited to meet me).

So before I came away on a solo trip I decided to have a talk with her as I just don’t feel like a priority at the moment and that she’s happy for us to just coast along how we are but all I want is a little bit more of her time. I voiced it all based on how I felt from my side and said that I felt a drop in connection between us. She felt like she was being blamed for everything which just isn’t the case! I knew she’d act like that but I wasn’t criticising her at all,just voicing my feelings as I know what I’m looking for in a relationship and what I deserve. She never tells me how she feels about us and I feel like I’ve been very open with my feelings and where I’d like it to go. 

She then said she feels like we don’t talk about much when we are together but I said how can we have much to talk about when she doesn’t want to spend much time together? It’s just the normal daily talk. I alway suggest for us to go out and do fun stuff but her response sometimes is ‘that’s not really my thing’ etc etc and sometimes she seems grumpy. Her ex of 7 years cheated on her and since then her sister says that her guard is up and she doesn’t know why.

After the talk I felt like I had got it all off my chest and she also said what was bothering her. The lack of talk and also that she feels pressure by people about me and her. I’d like to think that a girl I’m dating after 6 months would like to meet my friends or at least mention it. I just feel a bit invisible in her life. I have come on holiday for a solo break as my work was manic and I needed to rest. She said we both need to have a breather and that we can still talk during the week. She gave me a big hug and kiss and messaged me the next day saying ‘safe travels and please let me know when you get there’ etc etc. But since Monday the talk has been limited etc even though she views my social media stories etc. When I have text her,the response has been friendly but not much of a conversation.

So what do I do from here? I now feel bad for bringing up what was on my mind but it was eating me up. All I asked for was a bit more time with her rather than one evening a week. She’s an over thinker and worried and her sister says I’m the nicest guy she’s dated and hopes it doesn’t fold.

I’m just so confused…..

It sounds to me like she didn't really want to go to the next level with with you, perhaps still not emotionally ready and chose to express this by slowly freezing you out of her life with other commitments.

It sounds like it may have been a de facto breakup, either way it doesn't seem that the two of you were very compatible and it may be time to move on.

[Gaeta]

27 minutes ago, dv123 said:

she says her social battery is dead

But you're not 'her social network', you are her boyfriend. She's putting you in the same category as the rest of the world. 

There are behavior in women that don't lie. When a woman avoids intimacy with you it's because her heart is not with you anymore, same with asking for a 'breather'. You know what a breather is? it's a soft breakup hoping you will get the message and she won't have to face you and tell you she's done. 

 

[Gaeta]

You posted in October that she was guarded still and we advised you to give this another couple of months, no more.  So it's been a couple of months now and it looks like things got worse so I don't see why you'd want to hang on to this relationship. She is 1 year out of a 7 year relationship, it has not been long enough for her to emotionally fall back on her feet. You cannot fix this for her. 

[ExpatInItaly]

She's just not that into you, man. 

It's time to make a clean break. She's already on her way out. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, dv123 said:

Thank you. That’s pretty much what she said too. I just feel bad not messaging her (that’s the good guy in me)

That's ok. Enjoy yourself. Unfortunately it seems like she's not that available for a relationship and has one reason after the next. Try not to take it personally, she seems quite guarded. Is this the same woman?:

 

[MarkV]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok. Enjoy yourself. Unfortunately it seems like she's not that available for a relationship and has one reason after the next. Try not to take it personally, she seems quite guarded. Is this the same woman?:

 

Yes it’s the same girl. I’m just so confused as all of last week she was checking in each day to see how my day was etc. Her sister told me that she’s told her parents about me and that she is happy etc and really likes me. It just seems that ‘the talk’ has completely thrown her. I don’t know if me coming away is a good thing or bad thing right now?

[basil67]

As a rule of thumb, if our needs aren't getting met then we have a discussion and see if if a resolution can be found.  If no resolution can be found, then it's time to end it.    

You have reached this point.  And for your own sake, end it before you go away....at the very least, it will stop you from messaging her!   And that she told her family about you means nothing if she's not prepared to make you a priority in her life.   

Also, if (when!) you end this, I suspect she will blame you.  If she does, just shake your head and walk out.

 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, dv123 said:

They broke up a couple of years ago after he cheated on her. Yes she works with people with mental health and she is drained after work. She did tell me that her case load has doubled since we met and that she misses those days.

I agree with the family pressure and she’s told them to back off and that she’ll do things in her own time. I’m happy to go slow but the past few weeks she just hasn’t been herself. Some weekend days she just wants to be alone with her dogs as she says her social battery is dead. We only live 10 minutes from each other. She is always initiating the first messages up until the talk on Sunday. I’m now away on holiday and it feels weird as there is hardly any talk. Before I left she said it would be good for us to have that space but still talk. I messaged her yesterday to say that I was checking in etc and there were a few text exchanges but I sensed lack of emotion. It seems like when I say her down it really shocked her as when she walked in she looked worried like I was going to end it. What do I do now? Just leave her be?

Well, I can only tell you what I did. I hadn't seen someone I was dating for two weeks, and I broke up with him.

Do what's best FOR YOU.

Edited November 22, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, dv123 said:

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Expand  

Yes it’s the same girl. I’m just so confused as all of last week she was checking in each day to see how my day was etc. Her sister told me that she’s told her parents about me

Emotionally unavailable people will bring confusion to your life.

One week ago she told her family about you and this week she wants a breather from you. 

[helloladies21]

I'm in kind of the same boat. I had my conversation last week after 3 months. But mine went a bit different lol.

8 hours ago, dv123 said:

I just feel bad not messaging her (that’s the good guy in me)

You have to stop being the good guy. At least for the moment. Not for psychological game playing, but in order for you to see the situation properly.

I'm sure this girl is very nice and has the best of intentions, but what she's doing isn't very nice. For your self esteem, at least. Think about it: you've dated this girl for 6 months, been very good to her, and she's still undecided about you? There's no urgency. This is the sum of you not injecting yourself in her life and demanding more. You say you've tried to bring her into your life and she's been lukewarm about it. That should spark a conversation shortly after you notice the trend. If she's not all that interested in what you have going on, why is she wasting your time? Your time is valuable. Every minute you spend on her is a minute you can't spending on someone else who is interested in your life. A natural consequence of her lack of interest should be to push you away. Demand more. As a side effect of all this, she's going to start taking you for granted and lose her appreciation for you. That's what's happening now. Especially if you've been monagamous with her. That's the type of thing that should only happen with someone who is your gf or will be your gf in short order. You can't give her all the benefits of a relationship without the committment that a relationship entails.

Cut contact. Build up your self esteem. Then once you talk again, tell her you need for her to be more engaged in this or you're going to move on. And if she's not on board, follow through. Don't settle. Demand more.

[Gaeta]

8 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

Don't settle. Demand more.

I agree 100% with everything you said but I think the wording should be 'expect more'. Maybe I am just getting lost in semantic as English isn't my native language but if a man says to me 'I demand more of you' it comes across as controlling as opposed to 'I expect more of you' then he's expressing she is not meeting his expectations, it comes across as a man that knows what he needs in a relationship and if it's not naturally provided he'll walk away. 

[Goodguy05]

On 11/23/2023 at 4:14 AM, dv123 said:

Hi everyone

So I’ve been dating a girl for 6 months and things were going well until a month ago. We met through a mutual friend/s and her sister is married to one of my best friends.

Over the past month she has been working REALLY long hours with the NHS and has to get home,go to the gym,walk her dogs,do her chores etc. Recently I’ve been lucky if I see her one evening a week. She’s wanted us to go out for drinks,food etc rather than having me stay over to watch a movie etc. We haven’t had sex in nearly 6 weeks. It’s also on my mind that she hasn’t/expressed any desire to meet my friends or introduce me to her parents (who are excited to meet me).

So before I came away on a solo trip I decided to have a talk with her as I just don’t feel like a priority at the moment and that she’s happy for us to just coast along how we are but all I want is a little bit more of her time. I voiced it all based on how I felt from my side and said that I felt a drop in connection between us. She felt like she was being blamed for everything which just isn’t the case! I knew she’d act like that but I wasn’t criticising her at all,just voicing my feelings as I know what I’m looking for in a relationship and what I deserve. She never tells me how she feels about us and I feel like I’ve been very open with my feelings and where I’d like it to go. 

She then said she feels like we don’t talk about much when we are together but I said how can we have much to talk about when she doesn’t want to spend much time together? It’s just the normal daily talk. I alway suggest for us to go out and do fun stuff but her response sometimes is ‘that’s not really my thing’ etc etc and sometimes she seems grumpy. Her ex of 7 years cheated on her and since then her sister says that her guard is up and she doesn’t know why.

After the talk I felt like I had got it all off my chest and she also said what was bothering her. The lack of talk and also that she feels pressure by people about me and her. I’d like to think that a girl I’m dating after 6 months would like to meet my friends or at least mention it. I just feel a bit invisible in her life. I have come on holiday for a solo break as my work was manic and I needed to rest. She said we both need to have a breather and that we can still talk during the week. She gave me a big hug and kiss and messaged me the next day saying ‘safe travels and please let me know when you get there’ etc etc. But since Monday the talk has been limited etc even though she views my social media stories etc. When I have text her,the response has been friendly but not much of a conversation.

So what do I do from here? I now feel bad for bringing up what was on my mind but it was eating me up. All I asked for was a bit more time with her rather than one evening a week. She’s an over thinker and worried and her sister says I’m the nicest guy she’s dated and hopes it doesn’t fold.

I’m just so confused…..

Mate the writing is on the wall. Firstly, i think you're not compatible or at the same head space with what you want. You want a relationship she clearly doesn't. That may be because of her lack of interest in you or her guard being up who knows but it's not for you to teach her or enlighten her that's her journey. I know it's been 6 months but you are just wasting your energy time emotions into someone who is clearly not as invested. Don't try to figure out her out that's a futile exercise. Wish her well and walk away from her and end the relationship.

[smackie9]

MOM Talk: at 6 months you know where you should be...excited to be with each other, being a priority in each others lives, intimacy, being meaningful to each other and happy...you have none of that...what the hell, why are you hanging onto this? Dump her already.

[glows]

It sounds like she’s holding her breath waiting for this to fold and an excuse for you to be yet another guy who walks out. If that’s what her sister meant by being guarded then yes she does seem a bit guarded or unable to trust you fully.

About meeting your friends have you actually invited her out to spend time with them as a group? Or introduce her to a few of them? If you have and she’s declined or seemed uninterested then it’s quite disheartening for you. If you HAVEN’T invited her out to meet your friends it’s not on her to express an interest. Why should she be bothering you about something like that if you don’t offer first. It’s usually the case where one person offers to open up their family and friends and personal life on a deeper level not one person haggling to meet another’s family or friends. Hopefully you can clarify here what’s been going on. 

She seems uncomfortable with the pressure on her side for what exactly? Just wanting to hear from you if you know what this pressure is. Pressure to meet her parents specifically or pressure to settle down? I think it’s best to understand what she’s saying as opposed to assuming what these are. 

I cringe when I hear someone reject an idea simply as “not my thing” and leave the other person hanging - very poor social skills and leaves others feeling dejected and like the conversation is dead. I think you’re right that it’s low effort on her part but still not clear about the other points above. She may be fed up of all of you in general and is becoming quite passive aggressive and isolating herself.