Boyfriend's friend keeps commenting on my weight

[AmyHershaw]

7 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

It's hard when somebody zeros in on a pressure point / trigger / vulnerability.  

I would be furious with my BF for not wholeheartedly defending me & I would sincerely question his loyalty & his desire to be with me.  You need to tell him that you feel betrayed & he needs to step up with a full throated defense that shuts her up once & for all. 

She sounds like a real piece of work.   You need to find inner strength you don't realize you have & speak up.  It's akin to punching the bully in the nose because they are cowards.  If she mentions your weight again I'd ask her 

"Why are you so obsessed with my weight?  First of all commenting on somebody's appearance is the height of rudeness.  I can lose weight but it's unlikely you will ever be a truly nice person.  Your comments are unwelcome.  I can't call them mean because that would imply that I care (or give a $h1t) what you think.  You think you are some big bad bully when all you are is a weak little girl who tries to bolster her own self by attempting to tear others down.  I'm sick of it so stop!" 

See if some version of that shuts her up. 

I am annoyed with him and I've told him how I feel about it. He said he would defend me the next time it happens, but I've told him there won't be a next time as I'm not going to be around her and he should've done it the first few times it happened. 

She is just a bitter person and I don't doubt that if I told her she was being nasty, she would make out she was "joking" and find a way to twist the situation to victimise herself. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, AmyHershaw said:

She is just a bitter person and I don't doubt that if I told her she was being nasty, she would make out she was "joking" and find a way to twist the situation to victimise herself. 

You're right this is exactly what she will do.  So the best course of action, if you ever are around her again, is to zing her back, like when she said:

"she was as fat as you", reply, "but was her chest as flat as yours?"

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, AmyHershaw said:

 I've told him there won't be a next time as I'm not going to be around her 

It's good you said this. There shouldn't be a next time. These idiots are not worth being around. While you can't tell your BF who to be friends with, you can certainly have your own boundaries and get rid of people like this. 

[AmyHershaw]

36 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You're right this is exactly what she will do.  So the best course of action, if you ever are around her again, is to zing her back, like when she said:

"she was as fat as you", reply, "but was her chest as flat as yours?"

Definitely, people like her are all the same. And I tend to resort to the "kill them with kindness" option, show I could never stoop to that level. 

[AmyHershaw]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's good you said this. There shouldn't be a next time. These idiots are not worth being around. While you can't tell your BF who to be friends with, you can certainly have your own boundaries and get rid of people like this. 

Definitely not, it's not even something that should've happened in the first place. None of my friends would ever be cruel to him, they aren't cruel to anyone, because I don't mix with people like that. That's true, I feel like with giving him an ultimatum and telling him he needs to choose, he's going to say he can't choose. 

[AmyHershaw]

3 hours ago, glows said:

My guess is no matter what you think of this female friend your boyfriend, as many others have also mentioned, is the real problem. He’s very passive. He seems to go with the flow and avoids confrontation.

And what if some time passes and it’s someone else, male or female friend or acquaintance, also does the same thing? He associates with people who have awful character and disgusting lack of respect for others. Which also leads to poor judgment overall. I don’t know how you’re attracted to a man like this. On top of that he needs help financially (which is fine within reason) but hope he’s still not depending on you. 

This also leads to you and why you’re remaining in this type of demeaning /poor associations by your partner type of relationship. You’re hurt here and being bullied but you also play an active role in your choices and who you choose in your life. 

You can try confronting her. I’m just worried this happens again with other people he calls friends.

He is very passive. I feel like him choosing not to speak to her about it is taking the easy option as it avoids conflict. I just find it frustrating that I'm upset by it, but he won't ask her to stop as he's worried it'll cause an argument. 

Thankfully, none of his other friends who I've met act like she does. I feel like he's accepted that's who she is and he finds her funny at times, but insulting someone's partner's appearance is a line you just don't cross as a friend. If any of my friends did that to him, not that they would, I would definitely pull them to one side and tell them they're being cruel and not to say such things. 

Regarding the financial aspects, he has gotten better with that after I had a conversation with him about it. He's aware he hasn't treated me brilliantly.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, AmyHershaw said:

Definitely, people like her are all the same. And I tend to resort to the "kill them with kindness" option, show I could never stoop to that level. 

Well in this case, I have to ask, how is that working for you?

[d0nnivain]

15 hours ago, AmyHershaw said:

She is just a bitter person and I don't doubt that if I told her she was being nasty, she would make out she was "joking" and find a way to twist the situation to victimise herself. 

I'm sure she would.  Steering clear of her sounds like a good idea.  

[BaileyB]

On 11/22/2023 at 6:17 PM, AmyHershaw said:

I wouldn't tolerate that from any of my friends. 

And yet, you tolerate it from your boyfriend.

Why are you dating a man who would let someone else say hurtful and rude things to you? 

[stillafool]

On 11/23/2023 at 5:26 PM, AmyHershaw said:

Definitely, people like her are all the same. And I tend to resort to the "kill them with kindness" option, show I could never stoop to that level. 

And yet, you want your boyfriend to stoop to that level to defend you.

 

On 11/23/2023 at 3:32 PM, AmyHershaw said:

She is just a bitter person and I don't doubt that if I told her she was being nasty, she would make out she was "joking" and find a way to twist the situation to victimise herself. 

She would do the same to your boyfriend if he confronted her.

[Acacia98]

On 11/24/2023 at 1:29 AM, AmyHershaw said:

Definitely not, it's not even something that should've happened in the first place. None of my friends would ever be cruel to him, they aren't cruel to anyone, because I don't mix with people like that. That's true, I feel like with giving him an ultimatum and telling him he needs to choose, he's going to say he can't choose.

The beauty of being a financially independent, self-respecting adult is that you have full control of the social situations you find yourself in. So you don't need to give him an ultimatum. You can simply make the choice yourself. That means staying away from people who insult you to your face and staying away from people who tolerate those who insult you to your face.

Edited December 1, 2023 by Acacia98