Boyfriend's friend keeps commenting on my weight

[AmyHershaw]

My partner has a friend whom he's been friends with for years and at one point, was more than friends with. On a few occasions, she has made comments to me about my weight. The first one was after her and my boyfriend had had an argument and she started talking about a woman she'd seen in a club referring to her as massive and a hippo, then pointed at me and said, "she was as fat as you." Her boyfriend told her she was being harsh, whereas my partner didn't say anything. The next times were on the first day of a holiday we all went on, where my partner joked about how many calories I'd be consuming at an all-you-can-eat buffet we went to as I'd been trying to stick to a calorie deficit and she said, "she doesn't skinny shame you, so don't you erm...calorie shame her." And her boyfriend was looking at her like he knew what she was wanting to say. The other occasion was when we were all sat at the caravan and she asked me out of the blue, "do your thighs clap together when you walk?" Again, it was her boyfriend who told her she was being offensive, but my partner didn't say anything. 

 

I have since spoken to him about it, telling him I'm annoyed with the fact that he won't defend me and hasn't asked her to stop. He said he is annoyed about it and didn't know what to say to her and I told him if any of my friends were to be rude to him, I would say something to them and tell them they weren't being a good friend. I told him if they ever travel to the area we live in and stop at his flat (they used to live with him and left some of their stuff and their cat at his' for him to look after) then I don't feel comfortable visiting and being around her. The other weekend, he told them they could stay at his' and I got annoyed because I wanted to visit him. 

 

I've been advised to give him an ultimatum and tell him that he needs to choose between me and her. At first, I didn't want to as I didn't want to put him in that position or come across as controlling, but I've been assured it isn't controlling. 

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, AmyHershaw said:

 she started talking about a woman she'd seen in a club referring to her as massive and a hippo, then pointed at me and said, "she was as fat as you."  I don't feel comfortable visiting and being around her. 

Sorry this is happening. Please get rid of these "friends".  Delete and block them and all their people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Please don't have anything to do with these rude idiots. 

Your BF seems complacent with it and that's not a good sign. Although it's not his job to defend you, he seems to tacitly condone it. If your BF insists on hanging out with people like this, please reconsider the relationship. 

[Alpacalia]

Man, sounds like she needs a good butt-whooping.

But seriously, boyfriend would not want to see the woman he loves upset and want to have your back. I'm wondering since you said at one point that he was more than friends with her if she is saying those comments because she sees you as competition? What he's really saying is that he's a total chicken and scared of his friend. Plus, he's showing that his own safety and bond with this jerk are higher priorities than you.

[AmyHershaw]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Please get rid of these "friends".  Delete and block them and all their people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Please don't have anything to do with these rude idiots. 

Your BF seems complacent with it and that's not a good sign. Although it's not his job to defend you, he seems to tacitly condone it. If your BF insists on hanging out with people like this, please reconsider the relationship. 

Don't worry, I'm not talking to her or being in the same room as her again. It seems like she has little respect for anyone and I doubt she's going to change.

I agree, he should've asked her to stop and if she refused, that would've been telling of how little she respects him. I hope he doesn't, but I have a feeling that because he's been friends with her for years and it seems like he's afraid of getting on her bad side, then he will continue the friendship and it will be awkward. 

 

[basil67]

1 minute ago, AmyHershaw said:

Don't worry, I'm not talking to her or being in the same room as her again. It seems like she has little respect for anyone and I doubt she's going to change.

First I will say that I totally respect your decision to not be in the same room as her again.  But as she's part and parcel with his friends, how is this going to work when there are events?  Are you going to miss out on them all?   Will he have to walk away from his friend group?  Neither of these are particuarly good outcomes

Do you really want to stay with him?

[AmyHershaw]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Man, sounds like she needs a good butt-whooping.

But seriously, boyfriend would not want to see the woman he loves upset and want to have your back. I'm wondering since you said at one point that he was more than friends with her if she is saying those comments because she sees you as competition? What he's really saying is that he's a total chicken and scared of his friend. Plus, he's showing that his own safety and bond with this jerk are higher priorities than you.

She does act immature for her age. She's older than me, but acts like a bully at times. 

Exactly, I've explained this to him, but I feel like he is scared of her. I personally wouldn't want to be friends with someone I'm scared of and I definitely wouldn't be friends with someone who is so rude to others. I think she does view me as competition, she's mentioned the fact that I have bigger boobs than her a few times and she's commented on how much I treat my boyfriend and help him with any financial difficulties, whereas she's cheated on her boyfriend and doesn't always talk to him nicely. It is coming across that he's trying to go with the safer option instead of doing what is right. She's clearly not a good friend when she's trying to hurt the person he loves.

[AmyHershaw]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

First I will say that I totally respect your decision to not be in the same room as her again.  But as she's part and parcel with his friends, how is this going to work when there are events?  Are you going to miss out on them all?   Will he have to walk away from his friend group?  Neither of these are particuarly good outcomes

Do you really want to stay with him?

This has crossed my mind and I feel like a conversation needs to take place regarding this. They moved miles away a few months ago and they work at a holiday resort, but with Christmas approaching, I feel like when they travel over then they will stop at his flat as he is looking after her cat (they aren't allowed pets at their accommodation) and they have left some of their stuff in the second bedroom. And I will get frustrated about it because I won't be able to go and see him and I will wonder if she is saying anything about me while I'm not there.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, AmyHershaw said:

how much I treat my boyfriend and help him with any financial difficulties, 

Please discontinue this. He is not respecting you and you shouldn't be rewarding him. Sorry to say but your BF is the problem. 

[AmyHershaw]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please discontinue this. He is not respecting you and you shouldn't be rewarding him. Sorry to say but your BF is the problem. 

I have stopped doing it now. I was being taken advantage of and I mentioned this to him. My ex took advantage of me when I moved in with him and he stopped working so I was paying for everything and he never appreciated it. I didn't want to fall in the same trap and I've been refusing to move in with my current boyfriend for that reason.

Edited November 22, 2023 by AmyHershaw

[Alpacalia]

43 minutes ago, AmyHershaw said:

She does act immature for her age. She's older than me, but acts like a bully at times. 

Exactly, I've explained this to him, but I feel like he is scared of her. I personally wouldn't want to be friends with someone I'm scared of and I definitely wouldn't be friends with someone who is so rude to others. I think she does view me as competition, she's mentioned the fact that I have bigger boobs than her a few times and she's commented on how much I treat my boyfriend and help him with any financial difficulties, whereas she's cheated on her boyfriend and doesn't always talk to him nicely. It is coming across that he's trying to go with the safer option instead of doing what is right. She's clearly not a good friend when she's trying to hurt the person he loves.

And do you respect the fact that he's scared of her? That would be a hard thing to do. Have respect for someone that is afraid of somebody else. At minimum, he ought to have given his friend an earful and cut ties for good. Think about the people that you want to surround yourself with. A man that is friends with a woman that thinks it's okay to go around demeaning other women and he doesn’t say boo or put distance between the two is not a good person to have in your intimate circle.

Edited November 22, 2023 by Alpacalia

[AmyHershaw]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

And do you respect the fact that he's scared of her? That would be a hard thing to do. Have respect for someone that is afraid of somebody else. At minimum, he ought to have given his friend an earful and cut ties for good. Think about the people that you want to surround yourself with. A man that is friends with a woman that thinks it's okay to go around demeaning other women and he doesn’t say boo or put distance between the two is not a good person to have in your intimate circle.

Well, he might not be, I'm just guessing why he won't confront her about it. It could be that he doesn't think it's worth confronting her about. I see what you mean, the type of people you have as friends are very telling of the type of person you are, like none of my friends act like that. 

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, AmyHershaw said:

Well, he might not be, I'm just guessing why he won't confront her about it. It could be that he doesn't think it's worth confronting her about. I see what you mean, the type of people you have as friends are very telling of the type of person you are, like none of my friends act like that. 

Yes, he could have spoken up and told her to stop or defended you. But sadly, he hasn't.

If you're not comfortable around these people you don't need to visit. And telling you, somebody that your his girlfriend that somebody else's comfort is more important he doesn't care about your feelings at all. And even less so, around people that don't appreciate you or respect your space, esteem and boundaries.

I dealt with this with a boyfriend's mother in the beginning of our relationship after she made a few off-handed comments and I chose to put distance, albeit, he stood up for me but he also at times tried to get me to see her perspective with certain unrelated things. I opted not to see anything from her perspective except for the fact that she made those comments and it was up to HER to earn back my trust.

And if you feel like taking that stance by being aloof to them, that's what I would do.

Because this situation exudes good riddance to thy former classless "friend".

At the end of the day, these are his friends, not your friends. Do you want to place in that arena or do you prefer peace and happiness? Remember it is your choice.

Personally, if a boyfriend's friend said those things in front of me and he sat silent, I would be FURIOUS.

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, AmyHershaw said:

I have stopped doing it now..  I've been refusing to move in with my current boyfriend for that reason.

Good decision. How long have you been dating? Definitely reflect on why he hangs out with these types of people. Please step back rather than forward into the relationship. 

[AmyHershaw]

4 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes, he could have spoken up and told her to stop or defended you. But sadly, he hasn't.

If you're not comfortable around these people you don't need to visit. And telling you, somebody that your his girlfriend that somebody else's comfort is more important he doesn't care about your feelings at all. And even less so, around people that don't appreciate you or respect your space, esteem and boundaries.

I dealt with this with a boyfriend's mother in the beginning of our relationship after she made a few off-handed comments and I chose to put distance, albeit, he stood up for me but he also at times tried to get me to see her perspective with certain unrelated things. I opted not to see anything from her perspective except for the fact that she made those comments and it was up to HER to earn back my trust.

And if you feel like taking that stance by being aloof to them, that's what I would do.

Because this situation exudes good riddance to thy former classless "friend".

At the end of the day, these are his friends, not your friends. Do you want to place in that arena or do you prefer peace and happiness? Remember it is your choice.

Personally, if a boyfriend's friend said those things in front of me and he sat silent, I would be FURIOUS.

I'm glad that her boyfriend defended me, but he definitely could've tried speaking to her about it, which I would've appreciated. 

It is coming across as a lack of respect on his part. He is always complimenting me and telling me not to pay attention to such comments, but words stick with you.

I'm sorry to hear you went through that, it must have been even more difficult being a family member as the likelihood of them siding with them is even higher. No one should ever be put in such an awkward situation. 

I was more confused than anything, confused as to why he wouldn't say anything to her,  even afterwards. At times, I wondered if he agreed with what she was saying, which I brought up to him and he said that wasn't true. I feel more anger towards her, because I've never said anything to upset her and I've tried to be friends with her, but she's just not a kind person and I struggle to be around people like that. My opinion of her changed when I found out she'd cheated on her boyfriend who seems a lot nicer than her. Part of me believes she likes my boyfriend as more than a friend, hence the comments and always doing it when he's there. 

[AmyHershaw]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Good decision. How long have you been dating? Definitely reflect on why he hangs out with these types of people. Please step back rather than forward into the relationship. 

Just over a year, we were seeing each other for a few months prior. I do find it strange that he sees her as a friend even though she's made it clear she's wanting to upset the person he's in a relationship with. I wouldn't tolerate that from any of my friends. 

[Alpacalia]

14 minutes ago, AmyHershaw said:

I'm glad that her boyfriend defended me, but he definitely could've tried speaking to her about it, which I would've appreciated. 

It is coming across as a lack of respect on his part. He is always complimenting me and telling me not to pay attention to such comments, but words stick with you.

I'm sorry to hear you went through that, it must have been even more difficult being a family member as the likelihood of them siding with them is even higher. No one should ever be put in such an awkward situation. 

I was more confused than anything, confused as to why he wouldn't say anything to her,  even afterwards. At times, I wondered if he agreed with what she was saying, which I brought up to him and he said that wasn't true. I feel more anger towards her, because I've never said anything to upset her and I've tried to be friends with her, but she's just not a kind person and I struggle to be around people like that. My opinion of her changed when I found out she'd cheated on her boyfriend who seems a lot nicer than her. Part of me believes she likes my boyfriend as more than a friend, hence the comments and always doing it when he's there. 

Awe thanks! Ok, well, here's what you're going to do.

First, I would not want to spend any time around her. It was a bit different with me because yes, this was his family, and I had to be around but also bite my tongue. The thing with me, is that, I try to practice a little grace and not engage. Or, I will say something to the affect like "oh, that's nice." But if it pushes my buttons enough, what I say next tends to make the other person cry.

Even if it's face to face, don't you dare let them control you or that's it too awkward. You say "you mentioned about my weight, and I'm replying with a counter criticism....get comfortable....we're going to be here for a while." 😉

Seriously though. Boyfriend is acting like a wuss.

She sounds like a mean bystander when you put it all together, and why does she get a voice? It's interesting that her role in this triangle has changed though, from ex girlfriend, to friend, to potentially rival girlfriend. It's like she can't make up her mind, or wants to check a box.

Edited November 23, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ShyViolet]

Why are you tolerating this?  It says everything about your bf's character that he is friends with a person like this and wants to keep this person around in his life.  If you ask me, the main problem is your bf.  It sounds like it's time to remove toxic people from your life and both of these jerks.... your bf and his disrespectful friend... should be at the top of the list.

[AmyHershaw]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

Awe thanks! Ok, well, here's what you're going to do.

First, I would not want to spend any time around her. It was a bit different with me because yes, this was his family, and I had to be around but also bite my tongue. The thing with me, is that, I try to practice a little grace and not engage. Or, I will say something to the affect like "oh, that's nice." But if it pushes my buttons enough, what I say next tends to make the other person cry.

Even if it's face to face, don't you dare let them control you or that's it too awkward. You say "you mentioned about my weight, and I'm replying with a counter criticism....get comfortable....we're going to be here for a while." 😉

Seriously though. Boyfriend is acting like a wuss.

She sounds like a mean bystander when you put it all together, and why does she get a voice? It's interesting that her role in this triangle has changed though, from ex girlfriend, to friend, to potentially rival girlfriend. It's like she can't make up her mind, or wants to check a box.

She's not an ex girlfriend, when I mentioned they were more than friends at one point, I meant they have had a physical relationship. I think that might be why she views me as competition. I think she thought I'd be bothered by the fact that she's slept with him when it got brought up, but I'm not bothered about it. I'm still friends with someone I had a physical relationship with ages ago. I don't know what her boyfriend thinks of it all, he seems to put up with a lot of the things she says. 

[AmyHershaw]

6 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Why are you tolerating this?  It says everything about your bf's character that he is friends with a person like this and wants to keep this person around in his life.  If you ask me, the main problem is your bf.  It sounds like it's time to remove toxic people from your life and both of these jerks.... your bf and his disrespectful friend... should be at the top of the list.

I have a lot of patience, perhaps too much. And it's difficult because I've previously been in abusive relationships and he's the first boyfriend I've had who spends time with me and makes plans with me and has never raised his voice or said hurtful things to me. I do like him and care about him a lot, but this whole situation has messed with my head. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Bf doesn't tell the friend to STFU when friend insults you on your body, in the 21st century?  Dump his behind.  Don't explain, don't negotiate. dump him. 

[glows]

I don’t know if she sees you as competition for any man or your bf. I do think she sees you as competition in the sense that you’re winning at life being happy and surrounded by loved ones who care about you. She is not doing well if she’s cheating on her boyfriend. But where you heard that from is not clear. How do you know she’s cheating? Who told you? I’d be careful of anything people say in your bf’s friend circle and even if it comes from your bf. They sound a bit shady and off like a lot of backstabbing and say nasty things in general. 

If your bf is fearful of her that’s too bad. He just hasn’t learned to move on from individuals like that in his life and maybe one day his time will come when he’ll grow a backbone and eject them out of his life. Maybe never. This is affecting your holiday time and quality time with your loved one/bf since they seem dependent on him for pet care while they are away. I wonder if she helps your bf or also does favours for him? How exactly does this friendship work? I’d be curious to know why he seems indebted to her or does these favours when it’s so obvious you’re uncomfortable with the situation. 

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, AmyHershaw said:

She's not an ex girlfriend, when I mentioned they were more than friends at one point, I meant they have had a physical relationship. I think that might be why she views me as competition. I think she thought I'd be bothered by the fact that she's slept with him when it got brought up, but I'm not bothered about it. I'm still friends with someone I had a physical relationship with ages ago. I don't know what her boyfriend thinks of it all, he seems to put up with a lot of the things she says. 

Look, it's a major red flag. Even if your boyfriend isn't okay with how his friends speak about you, staying silent makes him complicit in their actions.

Yes, it's vital that you're also able to stand up for yourself and defend your own boundaries. You can't solely rely on others, even your boyfriend or husband, to always shield you from outside influences.

If he can't offer support during external conflicts, it's probable that he won't be there for you in other aspects of your future either.

You've made your stance clear and there's no shift in his actions.

It's your call to stay put or consider moving forward, but it's more ideal to find someone who is more willing to be your true companion.

[AmyHershaw]

4 hours ago, glows said:

I don’t know if she sees you as competition for any man or your bf. I do think she sees you as competition in the sense that you’re winning at life being happy and surrounded by loved ones who care about you. She is not doing well if she’s cheating on her boyfriend. But where you heard that from is not clear. How do you know she’s cheating? Who told you? I’d be careful of anything people say in your bf’s friend circle and even if it comes from your bf. They sound a bit shady and off like a lot of backstabbing and say nasty things in general. 

If your bf is fearful of her that’s too bad. He just hasn’t learned to move on from individuals like that in his life and maybe one day his time will come when he’ll grow a backbone and eject them out of his life. Maybe never. This is affecting your holiday time and quality time with your loved one/bf since they seem dependent on him for pet care while they are away. I wonder if she helps your bf or also does favours for him? How exactly does this friendship work? I’d be curious to know why he seems indebted to her or does these favours when it’s so obvious you’re uncomfortable with the situation. 

Possibly. Her boyfriend mentioned the time they broke up when he found out she'd been flirting with a lot of men and she laughed about it. 

If he's fearful of her then I don't understand why he has her as a friend. Surely friends are the people you should feel comfortable around. No, she doesn't help him with anything or do any favours for him, whereas I've helped him when he's barely had any food and no money. The cat was what she got while they all lived together. My boyfriend didn't want one, but she kept begging him. Then her and her boyfriend got one and it was two months later they decided to get the job at the holiday resort miles away and asked Andrew if they could leave the cat with him and they would send him money for food and litter. I've explained to him it's unfair of them and they need to decide what they're going to do with the cat as he doesn't want it and she's not his' to look after in the first place. He just says he doesn't know what they're going to do and he will ask them at some point.

[d0nnivain]

It's hard when somebody zeros in on a pressure point / trigger / vulnerability.  

I would be furious with my BF for not wholeheartedly defending me & I would sincerely question his loyalty & his desire to be with me.  You need to tell him that you feel betrayed & he needs to step up with a full throated defense that shuts her up once & for all. 

She sounds like a real piece of work.   You need to find inner strength you don't realize you have & speak up.  It's akin to punching the bully in the nose because they are cowards.  If she mentions your weight again I'd ask her 

"Why are you so obsessed with my weight?  First of all commenting on somebody's appearance is the height of rudeness.  I can lose weight but it's unlikely you will ever be a truly nice person.  Your comments are unwelcome.  I can't call them mean because that would imply that I care (or give a $h1t) what you think.  You think you are some big bad bully when all you are is a weak little girl who tries to bolster her own self by attempting to tear others down.  I'm sick of it so stop!" 

See if some version of that shuts her up. 

[glows]

10 hours ago, AmyHershaw said:

Possibly. Her boyfriend mentioned the time they broke up when he found out she'd been flirting with a lot of men and she laughed about it. 

If he's fearful of her then I don't understand why he has her as a friend. Surely friends are the people you should feel comfortable around. No, she doesn't help him with anything or do any favours for him, whereas I've helped him when he's barely had any food and no money. The cat was what she got while they all lived together. My boyfriend didn't want one, but she kept begging him. Then her and her boyfriend got one and it was two months later they decided to get the job at the holiday resort miles away and asked Andrew if they could leave the cat with him and they would send him money for food and litter. I've explained to him it's unfair of them and they need to decide what they're going to do with the cat as he doesn't want it and she's not his' to look after in the first place. He just says he doesn't know what they're going to do and he will ask them at some point.

My guess is no matter what you think of this female friend your boyfriend, as many others have also mentioned, is the real problem. He’s very passive. He seems to go with the flow and avoids confrontation.

And what if some time passes and it’s someone else, male or female friend or acquaintance, also does the same thing? He associates with people who have awful character and disgusting lack of respect for others. Which also leads to poor judgment overall. I don’t know how you’re attracted to a man like this. On top of that he needs help financially (which is fine within reason) but hope he’s still not depending on you. 

This also leads to you and why you’re remaining in this type of demeaning /poor associations by your partner type of relationship. You’re hurt here and being bullied but you also play an active role in your choices and who you choose in your life. 

You can try confronting her. I’m just worried this happens again with other people he calls friends.