Huge Fight After 3 Months

[helloladies21]

So I was dating this girl for 3 months until a week and a half ago. I knew she was a couple of months out of a long relationship, but she said it had been dead for a couple of years and she left him. Things started off very well for the first couple of weeks. So well that I asked her what she was looking for with me. Although it said on her online profile that she was looking for something casual, it sure didn't feel like she was treating me that way. I just wanted the clarification. She essentially said she didn't know since she was so fresh out of her old relationship. That was fine with me. I was seeing a couple of other girls casually and thought I might give this some time to develop. So we continued to date. She made a couple of comments early on that I was single and free to date, but I don't know if she thought I was actually dating others. Without lying, I was discrete and continued to see the other two women. She never asked me to stop seeing anyone else or if I was seeing anyone else. The topic of what she's looking for with me has come up every few weeks or so, with no progress on her end. The answer is always "I don't know". I never asked her to get into a relationship with me.

A few weeks ago, I felt that things were starting to progress with us, so I broke things off with the other girls. I wasn't asked to do this and I didn't disclose it to her. She has not been dating any other guys while we've been dating. Two weeks ago, we went on a weekend trip where she disclosed some personal information regarding her psychological conditions (depression/anxiety/eating disorders - she's receiving treatment). She confided in me. I was obviously very understanding. I do care about her very much. I'm not sure if it's related to these disclosures, but a few days later, I noticed her start to become a bit distracted and distant. It almost felt like she was starting to take me for granted. I let it go for a few days, but I brought it up. She claimed it was stress from work. She then went off on tangents and started gaslighting me about things I did not feel, I.e., me not wanting her to see her family and friends, getting in the way of her work. I am fully supportive of all these things and have told her so in the past. I tried to talk to her over the next few days, but she wouldn't listen. It was like she was determined to believe her own version of events, which did not reflect reality.

She came over my house and during our final portion of the argument, she admitted that she almost told me that she loved me a few times. In my mind, I know I would have responded the same way. But she said she's not looking for a relationship and all the obligations that come along with it, since she's independent. I immediately responded that, if that's her position, I'm going to see other people. She seemed pretty stunned by this and said that's not going to work for her, but with hesitation. It was a pretty heated argument. She said, with all the stress from her work (which it was a light week for her, she hardly went in), that she can't handle the stress from me (putting me on the backburner). I told her then she shouldn't be dating. She stormed out and I haven't heard from her in over a week. She went back on the dating app we met on and unmatched with me, but kept me on FB and Snapchat. I suspect that she updated her dating app profile and doesn't want me to notice.

I was very good to her while we were dating (maybe too good?) and she was very good to me as well. I was open to things progressing, but she was never able to breach the invisible barrier preventing her from fully investing and committing to me. It always felt like she was almost there, but kept me at arms length to not let me get too close. I'm not sure if I got too close for her comfort or she started me for granted or both.

It's been a rough week. I finally started to feel a little better and more confident in my position yesterday. I don't think I did anything wrong, but I am open to constructive criticism, of course. I accept her answer for what she is/isn't looking for and am not looking to change it. If this was the last time we speak, I won't contact her again. But I predict that she will reach out to me someday. I'm not sure if it will be in a week or two, or six months, but I don't think it will take that long. I don't know what her demeanor would be though. Probably not apologetic.

Am I seeing this correctly? Do you have any other insight or questions? I throw myself at the mercy of the board as I value your input. Thank you.

Edited November 23, 2023 by helloladies21
Grammar

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. She seemed pretty straightforward from the beginning that she was only looking for casual and you two were never exclusive. 

It seems like a lot of drama for 12 weeks and a lot of incompatibilities, deception and miscommunication. Perhaps you're better off apart? 

[Ami1uwant]

I would have just avoided this from the outset because she wasn’t ready to have a real relationship. She wanted to play the field snd need to adjust to single life.

[helloladies21]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. She seemed pretty straightforward from the beginning that she was only looking for casual and you two were never exclusive. 

It seems like a lot of drama for 12 weeks and a lot of incompatibilities, deception and miscommunication. Perhaps you're better off apart? 

Very good thank you for your post.

So there have been mixed signals. I went back and read the text the first time she responded "I wasn't looking for how I feel towards you at all. I didn't want it, but I wasn't opposed to it."

Since then, she has brought up several times about having children with me, introduced me to her friends when I went to visit her in her home town, told her mom all about me, given me the code to her door, key card to her hotel when working in a nearby city, discussed moving in with me. I have not fished for this stuff either. If she was really only interested in casual, why bring up all this stuff? And why esentially tell me you love me if it's just something casual?

All of this drama happened in a very condensed time wondow at the end. It was actually quite good for most of it.

Edited November 23, 2023 by helloladies21
Additional detail

[helloladies21]

9 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

I would have just avoided this from the outset because she wasn’t ready to have a real relationship. She wanted to play the field snd need to adjust to single life.

Part of me wishes I had.

And I would have been fine to withhold my feelings and continue to date others with more intent, but the mixed signals really threw me off. I wish she would have been more up front about what she wants with me instead of saying "I don't know."

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

 I wish she would have been more up front about what she wants with me instead of saying "I don't know."

It seems like she was leaving herself an escape loophole in case things didn't work out and sure enough...they didn't. Even though she said this or did that, she just wasn't that into it. She didn't even care if you were exclusive. Perhaps just on the rebound and sort of all over the place.v

[Alpacalia]

I think you were right to call it off.

It sounds as though you kept up with the others (multi-dating) just for the sake of feeling out of some sort of lack of balance or fear of missing out. Or did you actually really just like her so much? It must've been frustrating to hear her answer of "I don't know" after 3 months - but you must've known she's not ready.

You need to figure out if more a casual relationship with multi-dating is truly what suits you, or what. What are you *really* looking for? If you enjoyed her company enough, did you really need to meet anyone else?

Next time, if you feel things aren't progressing, just end it. Yes, congrats for being honest. It made you also realize that in three months, she still kept with "I don't know/I want to get to know you more/do not want to hurt you" and using phrases like "casual" and saying "I wasn't asking you into a relationship either". Kind of confusing and contradictory on her part. Just a little more self-awareness next time to say things ain't moving forward and walking away.

[basil67]

51 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

But she said she's not looking for a relationship and all the obligations that come along with it, since she's independent. I immediately responded that, if that's her position, I'm going to see other people.

This woman isn't meeting your needs now.  She's not likely to meet your needs in the future.  So why did you launch this bomb, which you had to know would escalate into a fight instead of kindly saying "Thank you for your honesty.  I think we're looking for different things right now, so I wish you luck on your journey"   

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

Since then, she has brought up several times about having children with me, introduced me to her friends when I went to visit her in her home town, told her mom all about me, given me the code to her door, key card to her hotel when working in a nearby city, discussed moving in with me.

Whoa, Nelly!

She is hugely on the rebound. The above is way too much to be discussing when you have barely started dating. There were red flags. Heed them next time and don't proceed with someone who talks too soon about huge future plans - especially when also telling you she wanted something casual. 

Forget this girl. She isn't anywhere near ready to date. Get her off your socials, too. 

[d0nnivain]

She probably wanted casual for companionship &/or sex but then started to fall for you.  When she opened up to you, that was a sign she trusted you.  She also hated herself for it.  She doesn't want to be in a relationship but she found herself in one with you & she grew upset.  

This really wasn't about you.  It was about the timing.  You were right.  She shouldn't be dating because she's not ready.  

Let her go.  Wish her well & hope she finds some peace.  That doesn't mean she will come back, nor does it mean you should sit around waiting for her.  

[BaileyB]

As you said, this woman is not in any position to date. She would be better served to take the time she needs to work on her mental health because she doesn’t sound particularly stable right now. For that reason, you made the right decision to end the relationship. 

[helloladies21]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

She probably wanted casual for companionship &/or sex but then started to fall for you.  When she opened up to you, that was a sign she trusted you.  She also hated herself for it.  She doesn't want to be in a relationship but she found herself in one with you & she grew upset.  

This really wasn't about you.  It was about the timing.  You were right.  She shouldn't be dating because she's not ready.  

Let her go.  Wish her well & hope she finds some peace.  That doesn't mean she will come back, nor does it mean you should sit around waiting for her.  

Thank you. This is my feeling on this as well.

[helloladies21]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

It sounds as though you kept up with the others (multi-dating) just for the sake of feeling out of some sort of lack of balance or fear of missing out. Or did you actually really just like her so much?

You need to figure out if more a casual relationship with multi-dating is truly what suits you, or what. What are you *really* looking for? If you enjoyed her company enough, did you really need to meet anyone else?

I do like multi-dating while I'm single. It depends on the specific girl(s) involved. If I find someone who I feel strongly for, dating other women becomes less appealing. I won't say I'm "seeking" a relationship with someone. I'm open to it if it feels right.

But you are correct that one of the reasons I kept dating other women was to balance me out. As soon as she couldn't answer what she wanted from me for the first time, I knew she wasn't ready in that moment. For what reason? I didn't know. It was only two weeks in. I wanted to give her more time to figure it out, and the only way I was going to be able to give her that time is if I had others to date as well. It would have been too much of an emotional roller coaster for me otherwise. But if at any point she would have said she wanted to be with me, I would have stopped seeing other women. I did like her that much.

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

It must've been frustrating to hear her answer of "I don't know" after 3 months - but you must've known she's not ready.

I heard it all throughout the three months. It was only at the very end that she came clean and admitted that she wasn't ready for that level of committment. She kept showing me signs that she was getting closer to me and she eventually did let me in. It looks like it short circuited her. I feel bad for her.

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Next time, if you feel things aren't progressing, just end it. Yes, congrats for being honest. It made you also realize that in three months, she still kept with "I don't know/I want to get to know you more/do not want to hurt you" and using phrases like "casual" and saying "I wasn't asking you into a relationship either". Kind of confusing and contradictory on her part. Just a little more self-awareness next time to say things ain't moving forward and walking away.

I guess it took me this amount of time and her finaly coming clean with what she's available for, for me to conclude that things weren't progressing. She did give me some indications that things were progressing. A lot of mixed signals. In the end, it was only three months. She was worth the extra bit of time. I did enjoy getting to know her. She's very nice.

[helloladies21]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She didn't even care if you were exclusive.

Oh she definitely cared if we were exclusive. She was not happy when I said I was going to see other women.

Her position was a bit selfish. She wanted all the benefits of having a bf without the committment involved. I'm not going to settle for that. I'm not sure who would.

Actually there are guys who would settle for that. They have low self esteem.

[helloladies21]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

As you said, this woman is not in any position to date. She would be better served to take the time she needs to work on her mental health because she doesn’t sound particularly stable right now. For that reason, you made the right decision to end the relationship. 

I think this is a life long battle for her.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

. She wanted all the benefits of having a bf without the committment involved. 

You weren't willing to commit either so in a way this had a built-in expiration date. Probably better you two parted ways. 

[helloladies21]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You weren't willing to commit either so in a way this had a built-in expiration date. Probably better you two parted ways. 

That's not true. I stopped seeing other women a few weeks ago. I was ready. At any point she could have said she wanted something more and I would have been completely on board with it.

[FredEire]

13 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

So I was dating this girl for 3 months until a week and a half ago. I knew she was a couple of months out of a long relationship, but she said it had been dead for a couple of years and she left him. Things started off very well for the first couple of weeks. So well that I asked her what she was looking for with me. Although it said on her online profile that she was looking for something casual, it sure didn't feel like she was treating me that way. I just wanted the clarification. She essentially said she didn't know since she was so fresh out of her old relationship. That was fine with me. I was seeing a couple of other girls casually and thought I might give this some time to develop. So we continued to date. She made a couple of comments early on that I was single and free to date, but I don't know if she thought I was actually dating others. Without lying, I was discrete and continued to see the other two women. She never asked me to stop seeing anyone else or if I was seeing anyone else. The topic of what she's looking for with me has come up every few weeks or so, with no progress on her end. The answer is always "I don't know". I never asked her to get into a relationship with me.

A few weeks ago, I felt that things were starting to progress with us, so I broke things off with the other girls. I wasn't asked to do this and I didn't disclose it to her. She has not been dating any other guys while we've been dating. Two weeks ago, we went on a weekend trip where she disclosed some personal information regarding her psychological conditions (depression/anxiety/eating disorders - she's receiving treatment). She confided in me. I was obviously very understanding. I do care about her very much. I'm not sure if it's related to these disclosures, but a few days later, I noticed her start to become a bit distracted and distant. It almost felt like she was starting to take me for granted. I let it go for a few days, but I brought it up. She claimed it was stress from work. She then went off on tangents and started gaslighting me about things I did not feel, I.e., me not wanting her to see her family and friends, getting in the way of her work. I am fully supportive of all these things and have told her so in the past. I tried to talk to her over the next few days, but she wouldn't listen. It was like she was determined to believe her own version of events, which did not reflect reality.

She came over my house and during our final portion of the argument, she admitted that she almost told me that she loved me a few times. In my mind, I know I would have responded the same way. But she said she's not looking for a relationship and all the obligations that come along with it, since she's independent. I immediately responded that, if that's her position, I'm going to see other people. She seemed pretty stunned by this and said that's not going to work for her, but with hesitation. It was a pretty heated argument. She said, with all the stress from her work (which it was a light week for her, she hardly went in), that she can't handle the stress from me (putting me on the backburner). I told her then she shouldn't be dating. She stormed out and I haven't heard from her in over a week. She went back on the dating app we met on and unmatched with me, but kept me on FB and Snapchat. I suspect that she updated her dating app profile and doesn't want me to notice.

I was very good to her while we were dating (maybe too good?) and she was very good to me as well. I was open to things progressing, but she was never able to breach the invisible barrier preventing her from fully investing and committing to me. It always felt like she was almost there, but kept me at arms length to not let me get too close. I'm not sure if I got too close for her comfort or she started me for granted or both.

It's been a rough week. I finally started to feel a little better and more confident in my position yesterday. I don't think I did anything wrong, but I am open to constructive criticism, of course. I accept her answer for what she is/isn't looking for and am not looking to change it. If this was the last time we speak, I won't contact her again. But I predict that she will reach out to me someday. I'm not sure if it will be in a week or two, or six months, but I don't think it will take that long. I don't know what her demeanor would be though. Probably not apologetic.

Am I seeing this correctly? Do you have any other insight or questions? I throw myself at the mercy of the board as I value your input. Thank you.

Seems like fear of intimacy to me, so soon after her breakup she didn't know what she wanted and with that plus everything else she had going on she probably wasn't ready for anything either casual or serious. Seems she may have picked a fight because she wanted to end the relationship and didn't know how to do it and/or wasn't fully conscious of her feelings. In my own experience anyone I become interested in seems similarly confused and unavailable and it always seems to end in the nuclear option, maybe since it involves a lot less reflection.

Probably just wasn't meant to be and she needs some time to be alone, would be my take on it.

Edited November 23, 2023 by FredEire

[helloladies21]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

Seems like fear of intimacy to me, so soon after her breakup she didn't know what she wanted and with that plus everything else she had going on she probably wasn't ready for anything either casual or serious. Seems she may have picked a fight because she wanted to end the relationship and didn't know how to do it and/or wasn't fully conscious of her feelings. In my own experience anyone I become interested in seems similarly confused and unavailable and it always seems to end in the nuclear option, maybe since it involves a lot less reflection.

Probably just wasn't meant to be and she needs some time to be alone, would be my take on it.

Yes, I believe it is apparent that she is not emotionally available at this time. I think she wants to be, but she just can't do it. I've been through this before. I've actually been on her side of things before, as well. It's not easy.

I may never hear from her again. Fine. I'm moving on and have already started talking to other girls. But I do believe her feelings were quite strong for me, so there is a chance that she could come sniffing around again. I'd like to be mentally prepared in case this happens. I don't like to get caught flat-footed.

I can't accept this halfway bf thing again, if it's offered to me. I am not comfortable being exclusive with someone who doesn't want all the commitment involved with a full relationship. I would still be open to seeing her, but outside of a full relationship with her, I would be seeing other people and I wouldn't hide it. I don't see her reconsidering her position on this, but I've been surprised before. If she all of a sudden does want a relationship with me, I'd have to make sure she's really ready for it and she's thought it through. I don't want any snap decision reaction.

I'm going to assume she's going to keep out of touch.

[FredEire]

4 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

Yes, I believe it is apparent that she is not emotionally available at this time. I think she wants to be, but she just can't do it. I've been through this before. I've actually been on her side of things before, as well. It's not easy.

I may never hear from her again. Fine. I'm moving on and have already started talking to other girls. But I do believe her feelings were quite strong for me, so there is a chance that she could come sniffing around again. I'd like to be mentally prepared in case this happens. I don't like to get caught flat-footed.

I can't accept this halfway bf thing again, if it's offered to me. I am not comfortable being exclusive with someone who doesn't want all the commitment involved with a full relationship. I would still be open to seeing her, but outside of a full relationship with her, I would be seeing other people and I wouldn't hide it. I don't see her reconsidering her position on this, but I've been surprised before. If she all of a sudden does want a relationship with me, I'd have to make sure she's really ready for it and she's thought it through. I don't want any snap decision reaction.

I'm going to assume she's going to keep out of touch.

She doesn't seem to know what she wants at all. I seem to be an expert in catching feelings for girls in that situation, so I definitely know how it is 😂 The nuclear option of provoking a huge fight  ending "he was an a**h***" seems to be the easy out vs engaging in a complicated emotionally fraught relationship.

[helloladies21]

2 minutes ago, FredEire said:

She doesn't seem to know what she wants at all. I seem to be an expert in catching feelings for girls in that situation, so I definitely know how it is 😂 The nuclear option of provoking a huge fight  ending "he was an a**h***" seems to be the easy out vs engaging in a complicated emotionally fraught relationship.

I feel for you, my man. Although it doesn't happen to me often, it did happen once before almost 7 years ago. Same type of scenario. I got too close to her, she put up walls and got distant, and then gaslighted me about something that didn't even happen. I had no experience in dealing with this and got some bad advice from a former friend, so it hit me pretty hard. That's not going to happen this time.

[MsJayne]

6 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

Her position was a bit selfish. She wanted all the benefits of having a bf without the committment involved. I'm not going to settle for that.

And that's what really got up her nose. She thought she was calling the shots and suddenly realised she wasn't. Telling her you're going to date other women wasn't the response she was fishing for, you were supposed to beg her to give it a go and reassure her with your desperate plea for a relationship. She's a player of mind games because she has trouble owning her feelings, so she'll never have a healthy, happy relationship with anyone until she wakes up to how destructive and toxic that behaviour is. Accusing you of getting in the way of her work (what? 🙄), smacks of drama queen to me, pretending to smell crap where there is none. You're well out of it. 

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, helloladies21 said:

I feel for you, my man. Although it doesn't happen to me often, it did happen once before almost 7 years ago. Same type of scenario. I got too close to her, she put up walls and got distant, and then gaslighted me about something that didn't even happen. I had no experience in dealing with this and got some bad advice from a former friend, so it hit me pretty hard. That's not going to happen this time.

Yeah, made a thread about a fairly ugly experience I had recently. Seems to happen to me most often very early on in dating. But once you can see what's going on it allows you to opt out of the mind games, you're right.

Probably the best option in these sudden conflict scenarios is just to say that it seems we aren't a healthy match at the moment, and walk away. And then let her interpret that however she wants. Usually doesn't end well for you if you get involved in the name calling.

[FredEire]

25 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

And that's what really got up her nose. She thought she was calling the shots and suddenly realised she wasn't. Telling her you're going to date other women wasn't the response she was fishing for, you were supposed to beg her to give it a go and reassure her with your desperate plea for a relationship. She's a player of mind games because she has trouble owning her feelings, so she'll never have a healthy, happy relationship with anyone until she wakes up to how destructive and toxic that behaviour is. Accusing you of getting in the way of her work (what? 🙄), smacks of drama queen to me, pretending to smell crap where there is none. You're well out of it. 

The question I have is what do these women get out of that? Feeling wanted? Do they go to bed with a warm fuzzy feeling that they just blew up something with the guy they've been seeing and they managed to make him legitimately upset? Maybe it's just my male brain unable to comprehend it but there doesn't seem to be anything positive in it at all, other than maybe avoiding a difficult conversation and reinforcing a feeling that everyone is against them and every guy they meet is an a**h***.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

. I stopped seeing other women a few weeks ago

You were dating 3 months? So for the majority of the relationship you had one foot out the door. Even if you didn't mention it to her. 

She does seem to be on the rebound which may be where all the faux lovey-dovey stuff and too much too soon talk came from.

Either way you were both doing your own style of safety dance so you're both better off  freeing yourselves.