Huge Fight After 3 Months

[helloladies21]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

You were dating 3 months? So for the majority of the relationship you had one foot out the door. Even if you didn't mention it to her.

I just can't agree with that. I was not looking to leave the situation, but protecting myself and my emotions in the meantime if she decided to drop her boundaries and allow us to proceed into a relationship. If she would have done that 2 weeks in, and she were ready to get into something serious, which she isn't, I would have wholeheartedly dove into the relationship head first. I continued to date the other women to buy time.

[MsJayne]

10 minutes ago, FredEire said:

The question I have is what do these women get out of that?

I don't think they they get anything out of it, (nothing positive anyway), it's more to do with wound-licking than anything else. It's not just women, lots of people, without even realising it, go into new relationships carrying anger about how they've been treated by a previous partner and fearing that it may happen again, so they proceed to 'punish' the new person for the previous partner's actions, hence poisoning the new relationship with their baggage. Also, in instances where women have been abused in previous relationships and have self-esteem and trust issues because of it, they may be so afraid of rejection that they're unable to make themselves vulnerable by agreeing to commitment, so, even though they want to be in a relationship, they proceed to dick the guy around while they decide whether he's good or bad. 

[Alpacalia]

If you enjoy multi-dating, well, maybe that's not her thing. I am not saying she doesn't have her faults and didn't contribute to the downfall but some guy tells me he is actively dating other women post 3 months but yet still says he wants to be exclusive, sorry, I would not take him seriously and I would probably lose interest, though I would cut it off and not wait for the other shoe to drop. If he doesn't like me enough to let others go, okay then, on your bike and bring on the next one.

In her defense, she did say she was only open to casual dating and that she didn't know what she wanted so, it's not like she led you falsely into anything. She was very upfront. I think the inability to commit is definitely an issue she needs to work on. Probably isn't going to work itself out in the course of this arrangement, but that's not really your problem. Also, she was not your girlfriend and did not owe you exclusivity but she chose not to date others during the 3 months.

The thing is, 3 months isn't a long time. You can choose to sink your teeth into this and and force a relationship, or you can step back and say, okay our timings are not in sync and move on. It's hard but what are your options? Keep asking her to commit when she's not ready?

You were open to things progressing, but she wasn't able to commit. The fact that she disclosed personal information about her psychological conditions may have been her way of trying to let you in and show vulnerability, but it's possible that it also made her feel more vulnerable and overwhelmed, causing her to pull away. If what you are looking for is a relationship, don't date women that say from the get-go they're only looking for something casual. You could be considering having a relationship when that was never really an option. Seems that so much of the information and behavior came from your own fears and assumptions.

She opened up, you got attached and you wanted her to change for you. She didn't make you any promises and was full and open about her own situation and limitations. I'm sorry that you feel like you got taken advantage of, but I don't think you were. She sounds very honest and upfront and you should be grateful she told you early on that she wasn't really interested in anything serious.

I suggest that in the future, you listen to what people tell you from the get-go and believe them. If casual dating and potential multiple sex partners isn't your thing, don't do it.

[FredEire]

40 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

I don't think they they get anything out of it, (nothing positive anyway), it's more to do with wound-licking than anything else. It's not just women, lots of people, without even realising it, go into new relationships carrying anger about how they've been treated by a previous partner and fearing that it may happen again, so they proceed to 'punish' the new person for the previous partner's actions, hence poisoning the new relationship with their baggage. Also, in instances where women have been abused in previous relationships and have self-esteem and trust issues because of it, they may be so afraid of rejection that they're unable to make themselves vulnerable by agreeing to commitment, so, even though they want to be in a relationship, they proceed to dick the guy around while they decide whether he's good or bad. 

Yeah good summary I think, thanks. I think it's made worse by the McDonalds dating culture that apps like Tinder and Bumble provide as well, people jumping into new things while they're still getting over the last, or last several, bad experiences.

[helloladies21]

32 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

If you enjoy multi-dating, well, maybe that's not her thing. I am not saying she doesn't have her faults and didn't contribute to the downfall but some guy tells me he is actively dating other women post 3 months but yet still says he wants to be exclusive, sorry, I would not take him seriously and I would probably lose interest, though I would cut it off and not wait for the other shoe to drop. If he doesn't like me enough to let others go, okay then, on your bike and bring on the next one.

In her defense, she did say she was only open to casual dating and that she didn't know what she wanted so, it's not like she led you falsely into anything. She was very upfront. I think the inability to commit is definitely an issue she needs to work on. Probably isn't going to work itself out in the course of this arrangement, but that's not really your problem. Also, she was not your girlfriend and did not owe you exclusivity but she chose not to date others during the 3 months.

The thing is, 3 months isn't a long time. You can choose to sink your teeth into this and and force a relationship, or you can step back and say, okay our timings are not in sync and move on. It's hard but what are your options? Keep asking her to commit when she's not ready?

You were open to things progressing, but she wasn't able to commit. The fact that she disclosed personal information about her psychological conditions may have been her way of trying to let you in and show vulnerability, but it's possible that it also made her feel more vulnerable and overwhelmed, causing her to pull away. If what you are looking for is a relationship, don't date women that say from the get-go they're only looking for something casual. You could be considering having a relationship when that was never really an option. Seems that so much of the information and behavior came from your own fears and assumptions.

She opened up, you got attached and you wanted her to change for you. She didn't make you any promises and was full and open about her own situation and limitations. I'm sorry that you feel like you got taken advantage of, but I don't think you were. She sounds very honest and upfront and you should be grateful she told you early on that she wasn't really interested in anything serious.

I suggest that in the future, you listen to what people tell you from the get-go and believe them. If casual dating and potential multiple sex partners isn't your thing, don't do it.

I am sorry dear, but I think the facts are mistaken. I believe she mistakenly thought I wasn't dating anyone else the entire time. I don't think she had a good reason to believe this, but she did. It wasn't until the last 3 weeks that I in fact stop dating other women. She decided she did not want a relationship to me and it was only after she said that when I opened things up to dating other women. She had already made up her mind and I responded.

When I brought up that her profile said casual dating, she immediately backed off on that. She said, in general, she would hope to be looking for a relationship, when I asked her specifically what she was looking for with me. When I asked her what she wanted with me specifically, she said I don't know. It wasn't until our very last conversation when she said she wasn't available for a full relationship. She straddled the fence on this issue the entire time until then. I would say she was not very clear about it.

She does not like multi dating. She said she does not find dating multiple men appealing.

I would definitely not want to force anything with her. And I never even asked her to be in a relationship. I only asked what she's looking for with me. I wanted the honest truth, either way. If she also wanted a relationship, I would have gotten into one with her. If not, I would have understood and open things up to me dating other women. I was not trying to force an outcome.

I never wanted her to change. I wanted to find out how she really felt. She kept saying I don't know. I don't think she was trying to take advantage of me or that I was taken advantage of. I believe that she didn't know. In that sense, I don't believe she was upfront about anything. She never once told me she was only interested in something casual. The only time she elaborated on this was during our last conversation, where she said she didn't want all the obligations that come along with a full-on relationship. Before that, it was only "I don't know what I'm looking for". I didn't make any assumptions. I wanted to give her time to make up her mind.

Again, I'm open to casual dating with multiple partners, or a relationship with one person. It depends on who I meet. 

[helloladies21]

8 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yeah good summary I think, thanks. I think it's made worse by the McDonalds dating culture that apps like Tinder and Bumble provide as well, people jumping into new things while they're still getting over the last, or last several, bad experiences.

I am sorry you feel this way, but I don't subscribe to this negative view on dating. Most of the women I've dated have been very good people doing the best they can. I'm not sure why the women you date play a lot of games, but that has not been my experience.

The woman my thread did not do any of this on purpose. She's a very good person who's not in a good place right now. She's just doing the best she can. 

[FredEire]

4 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

I am sorry you feel this way, but I don't subscribe to this negative view on dating. Most of the women I've dated have been very good people doing the best they can. I'm not sure why the women you date play a lot of games, but that has not been my experience.

The woman my thread did not do any of this on purpose. She's a very good person who's not in a good place right now. She's just doing the best she can. 

I'm not saying anyone is a bad person or not doing the best they can. For the most part I don't think mind games are even a conscious thing or seen as such by the individual playing them. More of a coping strategy.

Edited November 23, 2023 by FredEire

[helloladies21]

21 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I'm not saying anyone is a bad person or not doing the best they can. For the most part I don't think mind games are even a conscious thing or seen as such by the individual playing them. More of a coping strategy.

I'll be honest, I don't even get a lot of mind games. I lead the interaction and either we find common ground, or I move on in a different direction. I would have to say that I'm the one ending things over 90% of the time.

Edited November 24, 2023 by helloladies21
Incorrect word

[helloladies21]

This is just going to be a complaining post. I have no interest in reaching out to her.

Over the past couple of days, I've felt a lot better about my view of the situation in my decision. But there are times, like now, where I just feel sad about things not working out. She was very sweet and her affection was a terrific thing to feel. While we were laying in bed, she would wink at me, and I wouldn't be able to help myself but roll over and smother her with kisses. She loved it. Dating her was a fun experience. 

I'll set up some dates for this weekend and get back out there. It would do me good to remind myself that she's not the only woman out there.

[basil67]

8 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

I am sorry dear, but I think the facts are mistaken. I believe she mistakenly thought I wasn't dating anyone else the entire time. I don't think she had a good reason to believe this, but she did.

I guess the clincher is how much of the prime dating time you gave her.  And whether or not you were having safe sex.  If you were only seeing her on a Wednesday night and were wearing condoms always, then yeah, she should figure out that you were seeing others.

But if you were giving her Friday and/or Saturday nights and some of the weekend, plus meeting midweek and weren't using condoms, it would be a fair assumption on her part that you're not seeing others. 

Were you also having sex with the other women?  If so, this woman had a right to know in order to make good decisions about her own sexual health. Honestly, I think it would have been wiser to sort this all out two months ago.  It would have saved you both the drama which comes with misunderstandings

Edited November 24, 2023 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

12 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

I am sorry dear, but I think the facts are mistaken. I believe she mistakenly thought I wasn't dating anyone else the entire time. I don't think she had a good reason to believe this, but she did. It wasn't until the last 3 weeks that I in fact stop dating other women. She decided she did not want a relationship to me and it was only after she said that when I opened things up to dating other women. She had already made up her mind and I responded.

When I brought up that her profile said casual dating, she immediately backed off on that. She said, in general, she would hope to be looking for a relationship, when I asked her specifically what she was looking for with me. When I asked her what she wanted with me specifically, she said I don't know. It wasn't until our very last conversation when she said she wasn't available for a full relationship. She straddled the fence on this issue the entire time until then. I would say she was not very clear about it.

She does not like multi dating. She said she does not find dating multiple men appealing.

I would definitely not want to force anything with her. And I never even asked her to be in a relationship. I only asked what she's looking for with me. I wanted the honest truth, either way. If she also wanted a relationship, I would have gotten into one with her. If not, I would have understood and open things up to me dating other women. I was not trying to force an outcome.

I never wanted her to change. I wanted to find out how she really felt. She kept saying I don't know. I don't think she was trying to take advantage of me or that I was taken advantage of. I believe that she didn't know. In that sense, I don't believe she was upfront about anything. She never once told me she was only interested in something casual. The only time she elaborated on this was during our last conversation, where she said she didn't want all the obligations that come along with a full-on relationship. Before that, it was only "I don't know what I'm looking for". I didn't make any assumptions. I wanted to give her time to make up her mind.

Again, I'm open to casual dating with multiple partners, or a relationship with one person. It depends on who I meet. 

No need to refer to me as dear. Are you usually that derogatory to those who are trying to help you?

Her online dating profile was and still is the truth. She is looking for something casual.

That does not mean she does not want a relationship, but she is not looking for one at this point. If you had to ask her multiple times what she wants with you and she constantly answered "I don't know", then she was not ready to get into a relationship with you. If you are looking for a monogamous relationship, then you need to find someone who is ready for that. If you are willing to casually date multiple people, then keep your options open.

Honestly, it seems like you are trying to have your cake and eat it too. You are trying to force her to choose a label with you when she made it clear from the beginning that she didn't want that. You have to accept her answer and move on. As for her not liking multi-dating, that is her preference and you should respect it. It seems like you disregarded it and continued to date multiple women, which may have added to her overall stress and confusion about your relationship. If you were still active on dating websites (don't know if you were or not...) it's really not hard to tell when someone else is still dating. Believe me, women aren't oblivious to that. There are other signs when someone is dating others 9 times out of 10 anyway.

For future reference, when someone says "I don't know" it really means they don't know and maybe they are still trying to figure things out. That should have been a red flag for you and maybe backed off a bit until she has a clearer mind.

One last thing, I am not trying to attack you or attack her. I am just giving you my perspective based on what you have shared. You asked for insight and that is what I am providing. I am not trying to play devil's advocate or blame one person over the other. Both of you made mistakes in this situation and communication seems to have been lacking on both sides. Just own your part in it and learn from it for future relationships.

[helloladies21]

Please close this thread.

[NuevoYorko]

OP, I have posted on your threads before.   

My suggestion to you is to *consider* (I'm not trying to tell you what to do) committing your attention to a woman when you meet one that you think may be a good prospect for a serious, long term, monogamous relationship.   

According to your posts, this is what you want, correct?

I believe that your determination to continue to date multiple women while *sort of* trying to figure out if one of them is going to stick is biting you.  

This seems to be an effort to maintain control and I suppose it's working in a way for that, but it sure isn't going to end up with you in a healthy, fulfilling relationship with a quality person who is looking for the same thing with a quality man. 

I am not suggesting that you "make it exclusive" early on.  My belief is that a man or woman who meets someone they find compelling, and things are clicking with that person,  is doing themselves a disservice if they continue to actively date others.   

Don't even tell the *special* woman  that you're not dating others.  Just focus your attention and time on her, if you actually do like her enough.

If you do NOT like her enough to behave like you're serious, then you are indeed just casually mulit-dating and you are not to be taken seriously yourself.

Nothing wrong with that, but this idea that you're going to find anything worthwhile that will develop in a healthy way by dating 4 people at a time until one of them tells you that they are committed to you ... not gonna work.   

You will just end up with other casual daters.  

[helloladies21]

I really don't see the point of continuing this thread. We're just running off on tangents. I got the answers I was looking for early on. I hope the moderators close it.

[helloladies21]

I just want to sum up where I'm at so I can center myself when my mind starts to wander.

I dated a girl for three months. We were not officially exclusive, but were for the last few weeks. We got close. I believe I got too close to her emotionally for her comfort, which caused her to put up a wall and push away. She gaslit me and convinced herself that I did something wrong. I asked her what she wanted with me. She essentially said she loves me, but doesn't want all the obligations that come along with a relationship. As a result, I made it clear that I was going to see other people. She was not happy with that response and stormed out. I haven't heard from her in over a month. It feels like a year. I won't reach out to her again.

I may never hear from her again. If that is the case, I will eventually let her go. I won't have to try to do it. It will just happen. Based on my dating experience, I do believe she will come back though. I will be open to hearing her out, but I am skeltical that she would say the things I need to hear to bring me back in. I'm looking for someone who's open to connecting on a deep level emotionally. I'm not looking to settle for a situationship like we ended up in. My best guess is that she got hurt by some guy(s) previously in life and she made a decision to shut off that part of herself and not open up to men. I don't believe there's anything I could have done to change the current outcome. She has to iron this out on her own and I can't wait around.

I do miss her though. I'm dating other women, but they don't strike the same chord. She wasn't perfect, but she felt good.

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

 She essentially said she loves me, but doesn't want all the obligations that come along with a relationship. As a result, I made it clear that I was going to see other people. She was not happy with that response and stormed out. 

Sorry it ended this way but she had no choice but to set you free to date others. Hopefully you'll find someone compatible soon, having learned a lot about ultimatums from this relationship. 

[helloladies21]

I am quite upset about us no longer dating. Not upset at her. I know this isn't necessarily in her control. But I feel this intense sense of loss. I take breakups pretty hard when I care about someone. I'm just having a hard time processing the pain. I know I'll get over her eventually, but this is not a fun part. 

[helloladies21]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry it ended this way but she had no choice but to set you free to date others. Hopefully you'll find someone compatible soon, having learned a lot about ultimatums from this relationship. 

I hate to say it, but looking back, I don't think I learned anything from this. I wouldn't have done anything differently. It played out the way it was meant to play out. I don't regret giving her the ultimatum. She had three months to get to know me. That was long enough.

From one point of view, it was another one of life's experiences that provided me joy, but from another, it was a waste of time and energy that caused me pain.

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

. It played out the way it was meant to play out. I don't regret giving her the ultimatum. 

It's seems you both made the right decision to end it before things got worse. Now you're both free to date as much as you like. 

[helloladies21]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's seems you both made the right decision to end it before things got worse. Now you're both free to date as much as you like. 

Thank you. Yes I have no regrets. If I would have ended it sooner, I would have wondered what if. But I'm comfortable with the amount of time I put into this. She's just not ready and there's nothing I can do about it. She may never be ready.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

I do miss her though. I'm dating other women, but they don't strike the same chord. She wasn't perfect, but she felt good.

Well, you were always dating other women to protect your ego, probably why she cut and run. Sorry, it sucks, and 100% if you met someone who gave a sh** you would stop dating other women so damn fast it would make your head spin.

[helloladies21]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

Well, you were always dating other women to protect your ego, probably why she cut and run. Sorry, it sucks, and 100% if you met someone who gave a sh** you would stop dating other women so damn fast it would make your head spin.

That is a factually false statement. I kept dating other women because she stated a week and a half in that I was single and could do whatever I want. I wanted to be in a relationship with her and she's the one who essentially rejected me. What's your recommended alternative - that I stay exclusive with someone who can't tell me they want to be with me? That's not the way the dating world works. Not for me at least. Your position makes no sense.

I don't believe she knew that I was dating other women anyway. My impression is that she thought I would be exclusive with her no matter what she did. She was taking me for granted.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

She gaslit me and convinced herself that I did something wrong

How did she try to gaslight you?  And what is the thing which she believes that you did wrong?   All of your answers for why this ended are very likely in what she said then.

Also, were you having unprotected sex with this woman during the time you were dating others?   

[Alpacalia]

27 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

That is a factually false statement. I kept dating other women because she stated a week and a half in that I was single and could do whatever I want. I wanted to be in a relationship with her and she's the one who essentially rejected me. What's your recommended alternative - that I stay exclusive with someone who can't tell me they want to be with me? That's not the way the dating world works. Not for me at least. Your position makes no sense.

I don't believe she knew that I was dating other women anyway. My impression is that she thought I would be exclusive with her no matter what she did. She was taking me for granted.

Why didn't you just stop seeing her? Clearly, she wasn't worth the time nor the energy if she was making you feel like that. And if she was under the assumption that you guys had something going then maybe it would've been better to clear the air. Maybe something got misconstrued.

I really think she said that you could date other woman because she probably though that's what you'd want to do. Did she reject you or did you reject her first because it didn't sound like she would want someone who just dates other girls. It just doesn't make sense if you want a relationship with someone you would date and have sex with other people.

At least, you wouldn't WANT TO.

And if it hurt as much that this woman didn't want a relationship with you then you would have stopped seeing her not keep seeing her along just to fill a void.

Edited December 22, 2023 by Alpacalia

[helloladies21]

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

How did she try to gaslight you?  And what is the thing which she believes that you did wrong?   All of your answers for why this ended are very likely in what she said then.

She said I was trying to dominate her time and prevent her from concentrating on her work/family/friends. All of it was completely absurd and not based in fact. I fully supported her career, relationships with her family and friends. I am a well adjusted individual and not co-dependent or dominating in that way. I believe it's important for your partner to have a healthy life and career outside of your relationship. She was using it as her excuse to get out. This happened to me once before (2018) and it feels familiar.

No I believe these are scapegoats for her putting up emotional walls and not wanting to get close to someone.