Am I overthinking

[Isaiah]

A little background info, I have made myself look dumb in the past for continuing to pursue a girl so this new situation I can’t tell if I’m overthinking because of this past experience or if I am now aware. I have been going on dates with this girl for a few weeks, we’ve been on 3 dates in two weeks. On our third date we cuddled and kissed and everything was going great, I was really excited because we got along really well and teased each other a lot.
 

Two days after our third date she asked me to do something but I couldn’t because I was working. She jokingly texted me to quit and I told her I would make up for it Sunday which was our next planned date two days later. The day before I start to get sick so I tell her ahead of time that I will still be in good health to go on the date but if you’d rather not risk getting sick we could push it to another date. I don’t hear from her till the next day and she says best if we wait.

Sunday night I ask her how her week looks and she says she started another job and won’t have much free time but she could maybe Friday or Saturday. This raises alarm bells in my head because it’s usually a typical cop out answer but I try not to overanalyse it. I tell her I’ll try to work that into my schedule and ask her to let me know about Saturday since I have a bit of time in the evening between my two jobs. 
 

Monday she reminds about her favourite candy and I take the hint and buy her some. We don’t talk until Wednesday night after I drop the candy off on her doorstep. She texts saying thank you and I ask about her job and she asks about how school is going for me. Before I go to bed I text let me know how your meeting goes tomorrow and hope to see you soon. She answers okay!!! Goodnight I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow, have a good sleep. Again I may be overthinking but it seems she kinda skimmed over the see you soon part. The reason why I am looking for others opinions is because I don’t just want to give up talking to her since I enjoy it so much but I also don’t want to feel stupid again, it just feels like there’s been a change the last few days and I don’t know why. 

Edited November 23, 2023 by Isaiah

[basil67]

Your response of "I'll make it up to you" is terrific. I can even imagine you writing that with a cheeky smile on your face.

You sound like a good guy, so I'd give it one or two more dates (maximum).  But don't twist yourself in knots trying to accommodate her, and don't spend too much money on her.  It's too high risk at this point

Edited November 23, 2023 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Isaiah said:

Two days after our third date she asked me to do something but I couldn’t because I was working. She jokingly texted me to quit and I told her I would make up for it Sunday which was our next planned date two days later. The day before I start to get sick so I tell her ahead of time that I will still be in good health to go on the date but if you’d rather not risk getting sick we could push it to another date. I don’t hear from her till the next day and she says best if we wait.

Sunday night I ask her how her week looks and she says she started another job and won’t have much free time but she could maybe Friday or Saturday. 

I tell her I’ll try to work that into my schedule and ask her to let me know about Saturday since I have a bit of time in the evening between my two jobs. 

She said she was free Friday or Saturday, and you say you'll try to fit something into your schedule? How? I think you're a bit gun shy so you are pulling back to not make a mistake like you have in the past. Hence you think there is a change, when really it seems like you've backed off. If you are that up in your head when talking to her, it could explain why she's not exactly responding 100%.

She asked you to do something after your third date and you weren't available. Then you were sick.

Then you ask her how her week looks and she says she "started another job" that changed her availability. So you ask her to let you know if she's free after you offhandedly mention her favorite candy. Then you keep rephrasing if you two will see each other this weekend, to which she barely responds to. You keep seeming like you need her to say yes more than you need to decide to plan a date with her.

She's starting a new job which limits the days she is available, and she's still making an effort to connect with you and plan a date.

I think if this is someone you really like and want to pursue, you have to take the plunge and a certain amount of risk. Maybe wait and see how her week goes and what days are available for you guys to do something.

Edited November 23, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Isaiah]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

She said she was free Friday or Saturday, and you say you'll try to fit something into your schedule? How? I think you're a bit gun shy so you are pulling back to not make a mistake like you have in the past. Hence you think there is a change, when really it seems like you've backed off. If you are that up in your head when talking to her, it could explain why she's not exactly responding 100%.

She asked you to do something after your third date and you weren't available. Then you were sick.

Then you ask her how her week looks and she says she "started another job" that changed her availability. So you ask her to let you know if she's free after you offhandedly mention her favorite candy. Then you keep rephrasing if you two will see each other this weekend, to which she barely responds to. You keep seeming like you need her to say yes more than you need to decide to plan a date with her.

She's starting a new job which limits the days she is available, and she's still making an effort to connect with you and plan a date.

I think if this is someone you really like and want to pursue, you have to take the plunge and a certain amount of risk. Maybe wait and see how her week goes and what days are available for you guys to do something.

I’m looking back at texts and I told her I would be free between and 5:30-10:30 and then asked if she had time to FaceTime Tuesday and she only responded to the FaceTime saying she couldn’t. You are right I’m not taking the risk

[d0nnivain]

You are over thinking it but you are correct that she is no longer as keen as she once was. 

Especially if you are in the USA, this time of year gets nuts.  She has a new job.  If that job is in retail, she's swamped. 

Wait until next Monday to contact her again.  Ask how Thanksgiving was.  If she contacts you before then, great.  Otherwise, her interest may have waned.  It wouldn't surprise me that she got it into her head that you were faking being sick & took that as a rejection.  People don't trust anymore.  They jump to wrong conclusions & ruin things.  

[Gaeta]

So, it's unclear. You do have a date Saturday?

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, Isaiah said:

I’m looking back at texts and I told her I would be free between and 5:30-10:30 and then asked if she had time to FaceTime Tuesday and she only responded to the FaceTime saying she couldn’t. You are right I’m not taking the risk

So she hasn't responded to your saying that you would be free Saturday between and 5:30-10:30?

Edited November 23, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Isaiah said:

Two days after our third date she asked me to do something but......

When is the next date planned? Are you asking her out or just telling her when you're free to video chat? 

[Isaiah]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

So she hasn't responded to your saying that you would be free Saturday between and 5:30-10:30?

No she didn’t, I had also asked if she was available for a drive and pizza Tuesday night after work but she said she couldn’t, it seemed like she was disappointed about Tuesday but I’m not sure. I’ve just recently asked her again when she won’t be working this weekend so I’m currently waiting

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Isaiah said:

I’ve just recently asked her again when she won’t be working this weekend so I’m currently waiting

At this early stage you don't 'ask again'. If she is really looking forward to seeing you she will make sure you know her free time.

To me she sounds like she is exploring something else that's caught her attention. 

Don't force things. 

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Isaiah said:

No she didn’t, I had also asked if she was available for a drive and pizza Tuesday night after work but she said she couldn’t, it seemed like she was disappointed about Tuesday but I’m not sure. I’ve just recently asked her again when she won’t be working this weekend so I’m currently waiting

Ok. Don't ask her anymore.

I think she backed away a bit after the initial trying to get together with you. You have made plenty of overtures to her in hopes of getting together since then so cut back and wait for her to get back to you. I think you went from trying to play it cool initially to going full steam ahead . When she gets back with you, make definite plans to meet, don't keep vague. 

Just a last thought, next time, try not to be vague with plans, saying you're free isn't specific and it's hard to pin down a certain window. Try to have a specific time frame in mind when you plan something.

It's also Thanksgiving so she might just have a lot going on. Focus on other things. Give her some room now to respond. I will be routing for you!

[Isaiah]

8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Ok. Don't ask her anymore.

I think she backed away a bit after the initial trying to get together with you. You have made plenty of overtures to her in hopes of getting together since then so cut back and wait for her to get back to you. I think you went from trying to play it cool initially to going full steam ahead . When she gets back with you, make definite plans to meet, don't keep vague. 

Just a last thought, next time, try not to be vague with plans, saying you're free isn't specific and it's hard to pin down a certain window. Try to have a specific time frame in mind when you plan something.

It's also Thanksgiving so she might just have a lot going on. Focus on other things. Give her some room now to respond. I will be routing for you!

Can you explain to me how I went full steam ahead? I don’t understand how asking to see someone is doing too much and when I asked about the weekend I told her when I would be done work if that aligned with her schedule. Also why would she back away? I thought I made my intentions clear and I communicated well nor did I cancel for being sick I just told her I was getting sick and she decided to not meet up. I didn’t text too much, if anything I wanted to text more but didn’t want to scare her away. The last like 5 days feel almost no effort on her part and I don’t know why when she was very receptive not even a week ago

Edited November 23, 2023 by Isaiah

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Isaiah said:

. I’ve just recently asked her again when she won’t be working this weekend so I’m currently waiting

Try to be a bit more flexible. Especially if you both have busy schedules.

Unfortunately there's this trend to make overly specific dates (aka "taking the lead"). It can come off as let's do this when it's convenient for me, rather than asking someone what actually works for them. 

But as you can see this can become a pingpong game when people are just starting out trying to figure out mutually agreeable times to meet. For example. Just ask her which day and time works for her. 

Edited November 23, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

18 minutes ago, Isaiah said:

Can you explain to me how I went full steam ahead? I don’t understand how asking to see someone is doing too much and when I asked about the weekend I told her when I would be done work if that aligned with her schedule. Also why would she back away? I thought I made my intentions clear and I communicated well nor did I cancel for being sick I just told her I was getting sick and she decided to not meet up. I didn’t text too much, if anything I wanted to text more but didn’t want to scare her away. The last like 5 days feel almost no effort on her part and I don’t know why when she was very receptive not even a week ago

Just give her time to reply about Saturday's date. Not propose face timing and pizza drives in addition to Saturday's date. Let her return your interest. You don't need to push so hard with someone who is still not fully sold on you. See if she gets back to you 1st. This might be a lost cause at this point but maybe she'll surprise you.

[Isaiah]

28 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Just give her time to reply about Saturday's date. Not propose face timing and pizza drives in addition to Saturday's date. Let her return your interest. You don't need to push so hard with someone who is still not fully sold on you. See if she gets back to you 1st. This might be a lost cause at this point but maybe she'll surprise you.

Ok, although there was never a date planned for Saturday. I first asked about Tuesday then when she said she couldn’t then I asked about Saturday and FaceTiming because that would be better than nothing. I told her don’t worry about FaceTiming if she was too busy and that I was just throwing out ideas considering we couldn’t meet with our schedules. She seemed open to FaceTiming asking if there was a way to FaceTime and play Mario kart. This conversation was over the course of a few days. I didn’t text her for two days until I dropped off her candy when she texted me. Sorry I realize my story is all over the place.

Edited November 23, 2023 by Isaiah

[Gaeta]

59 minutes ago, Isaiah said:

She seemed open to FaceTiming asking if there was a way to FaceTime and play Mario

So you offered between meeting her or facetime and she picks playing mario kart !  

It's stamped 'friendzoned' all over you.

I hope you don't put too much hope into this.

[Isaiah]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So you offered between meeting her or facetime and she picks playing mario kart !  

It's stamped 'friendzoned' all over you.

I hope you don't put too much hope into this.

That was a call back to our first date where I beat her after she was saying how she’d beat me. Playing while talking on FaceTime. What are you talking about? 

[Goodguy05]

I'd say she backed off a lil when you postponed the date she's probably thinking the same thing as you and questioning your interest level. Take a risk and pursue her a lil more try a lil harder 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Isaiah said:

What are you talking about? 

You offered her to facetime with you on that Tuesday or you offered her to facetime Saturday?

She also did not answer you if she was free Saturday?

[Gaeta]

59 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

Take a risk and pursue her a lil more try a lil harder

I would not do that. That's creepy. When a woman is interested she makes time. He's made his interest pretty clear and he's made invitations already to which she did not reply. 

[Goodguy05]

Oh ok lol maybe I skimmed over that part lol then ye I would back off 

[Alpacalia]

12 hours ago, Isaiah said:

Ok, although there was never a date planned for Saturday. I first asked about Tuesday then when she said she couldn’t then I asked about Saturday and FaceTiming because that would be better than nothing. I told her don’t worry about FaceTiming if she was too busy and that I was just throwing out ideas considering we couldn’t meet with our schedules. She seemed open to FaceTiming asking if there was a way to FaceTime and play Mario kart. This conversation was over the course of a few days. I didn’t text her for two days until I dropped off her candy when she texted me. Sorry I realize my story is all over the place.

Quote

 

Sorry I realize my story is all over the place.

 

It's okay. Just trying to piece it together.

I realize nothing is planned for Saturday I mention it because she mentioned Friday or Saturday and you in turn replied that "you'll try to work that into your schedule" and then asked her to let you know about Saturday. 

I think she's cooled off a bit at this point and not responding. It's possible that she's interpreting your texts as being contradictory. For example, when she mentioned Friday or Saturday, you mentioned you'll try to work it into your schedule and that you'd let her know about Saturday. But then in your next message, you mention that you're free between 5:30-10:30 on Saturday. 

It would have been more helpful for you to clarify with her exactly what both of your schedules are like for Saturday so you can both plan accordingly. This way, there will have not been any miscommunication or confusion. Maybe something like, "Hey, I just wanted to make sure we both have a clear idea of our schedules for Saturday. Are you still free that day? And if so, what time works best for you?" This way, you would have been more proactive and making sure everything is clear for both of you.

You're past that point now. Let her process everything. I think it's best to just leave it there for now and let her reach out to you if she wants to clarify or confirm plans for Saturday. In the meantime, focus on yourself and your own plans. Don't worry too much about it and just let things unfold naturally. Just keep putting yourself out there and things will eventually fall into place. 

If not with this one, then with someone else who is more compatible and willing to make plans and meet up.

Edited November 24, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

I think there was nothing wrong in the way he proceeded about Saturday.

Girl says she's free Saturday and Guy gets back to her promply with is free time on Saturday. I can't see where that would rub her the wrong way.

Did you meet her on a dating app? If she's still active you got your answer.

We are now 24hrs away from Saturday, her not getting back to you is officially rude.

[Alpacalia]

Given that she said she may be free Friday or Saturday and he responds in kind, and then she doesn't get back to him about which one works after he said he can meet at x, y, and z time, is unfortunately a sign that arranging this date is not at the top of her priority list.

I dunno, not had much if any trouble to this level organizing a date except when I wasn't sure if the gentleman wanted to see me again.

But if he's telling me he's available at a particular day and time then I would 100% take that and run with it unless I already knew I did not want to see him again. I wouldn't say, hey I'm interested in one day that you have asked me about, let me see if I can fit you in between other stuff I'm doing that day.

After the initial disappointment, use the lack of her response as a way to give yourself peace of mind and keep an open-mind if she follows-up with you in the future. But also know that leaving someone hanging in this context is not great form and may be an indication of her level of interest.

[FredEire]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Given that she said she may be free Friday or Saturday and he responds in kind, and then she doesn't get back to him about which one works after he said he can meet at x, y, and z time, is unfortunately a sign that arranging this date is not at the top of her priority list.

I dunno, not had much if any trouble to this level organizing a date except when I wasn't sure if the gentleman wanted to see me again.

But if he's telling me he's available at a particular day and time then I would 100% take that and run with it unless I already knew I did not want to see him again. I wouldn't say, hey I'm interested in one day that you have asked me about, let me see if I can fit you in between other stuff I'm doing that day.

After the initial disappointment, use the lack of her response as a way to give yourself peace of mind and keep an open-mind if she follows-up with you in the future. But also know that leaving someone hanging in this context is not great form and may be an indication of her level of interest.

Yeah. I would say in general if you have to seriously question their interest you're probably right to.

Flakers gonna flake, I wish more people would say hey I'm not really feeling up for a second date, nice to meet you. But silence or short answers is effectively a way of telling you this in most cases. Any time initial dates have turned into a thing I've never had to overthink their level of enthusiasm to see me.

Edited November 24, 2023 by FredEire