Retroactive jealousy, insecurity, how to move on and enjoy this great thing we have

[Charles34]

I am a 34 year old male who came out of a 7.5 year relationship in February of this year. I was engaged and unhappy for a long time and we ended things fairly amicably and went our separate ways but it was still very difficult for me as we had a house, animals together etc. I wanted kids and she was strongly leaning towards not wanting them. We basically became friends with very little intimacy or passion, so I still have issues relating to this, and in the relationship before that I was cheated on so I know I probably have some issues that I have worked through but still need to further as well. I have a pretty good job, physically fit, decent head on my shoulders and feelthat I have a lot to offer as a partner.

Fast forward a few months and doing some healing, I meet a beautiful 28 year old woman, we click very strongly right away. Great conversations, excellent chemistry. Go on a first date and stay for hours and hours and, plan another date a couple days later and the rest is history now almost five months later we hang out probably 4-5 days a week, sometimes more. We have both met each other's families and get along very well. The physical passion is incredible, like nothing I have ever experienced before. We are intimate nearly every time we are together, often multiple times, I know the relationship is fresh and new but its still better by far than anything I've experienced prior, for both of us she has also stated. We do fun things together, have similar interests, things are pretty great.

So my question is this.. I found out through social media just browsing around about a month after we began dating, that years prior she had had a relationship with a woman in her early 20s. I was a little surprised as we had asked each other briefly about our histories and she kind of brushed this aside and didn't mention it. So I just asked her about it, long story short I find out she has dated both men and women, been with more men than women, but longer things with women, probably 4-5 women since high school (high school is whatever I know) but she says maybe at one point she identified as bisexual, that she thinks sexuality can be fluid to some degree but does not identify as that anymore and wants to be with a man, have kids, always knew she wanted to be with a man. She also told me some very heavy things trauma related she had been through with a couple men in her late teens which could definitely have played a role and shaped her journey, things she hasn't told anyone before. I do not take that lightly and have been very supportive of this trauma, as I have also dealt with some heavy things as well and we both work in mental health related fields. I am not a judgmental person and like to think that I am very accepting and hopefully open. I have never dated someone to my knowledge at least who has openly dated both men and women. She told me at one point she maybe was interested in men and women 75-25, but now its like 95 percent plus men. As a heterosexual male I didn't really know a person's preferences could shift to that degree, but I understand every person's journey is different.

My question is for some reason I have had a bit of a hard time accepting that she has been with women and experience a bit of retroactive jealousy towards this and I know it is not rational but I come with my own insecurities from previous relationships and life experiences, that am I enough for this beautiful, intelligent girl and that maybe she will want to be with a woman again, things that I obviously couldn't give her. I have mentioned this to her to some degree, she tells me she knows what she wants she figured her journey out and has never felt even close to how she feels with me before. I know I should move on, I want to. I have a past as well, I have been with more partners than she has, it is just the dating both men and women thing that has stuck with me cause if she genuinely wants a woman, I can't give her that obviously. Although she says she has figured out what she wants and it is me.

She says she has felt  mostly mediocre and I have made her feel things she’s never experienced or known possible. She wants me, wants a family with me. Things I want. How do I enjoy this great thing. I have a past two everyone does, I have been with more partners than she has. 
 

Basically I would just like any tips or advice on how to get my sh*t together as I have dealt with OCD in the past and don't want to let a potentially amazing thing go, over some internalized biases or ideas that I am not enough for her. She has told me she wants monogamy, said she experienced mostly mediocrity in the past in general and I've made her feel things she never knew she even could. For some reason in my head I feel like she downplayed the dating women thing (at first she definitely did but eventually filled me in on it as I was genuinely curious who I was falling in love with, but she was very patient and also said she noticed I was far less interested in her history with men, as we both discussed our histories some, while also realizing she didn't owe it to me to tell me.) Any advice on my situation? I want to just let this go and enjoy this amazing relationship we have developed, I like her family, she likes mine, we have a great thing going. I just want to feel like I am enough, as she has told me. I realize this is a me problem, not a her problem and why I have turned to this forum for some advice.

My question basically is How do I move on and just enjoy this relationship, which I do most of the time but not focus on my insecurities? I want this relationship and her. How do I not focus on her past, before she even knew me?

TLDR- Partner and I have an amazing relationship so far, connecting deeply on an emotional and physical level, she was hesitant to bring up dating women in the past, says she doesn't want that, how do I move forward and let go of insecurities and trust that I am enough and let go of feelings of retroactive jealousy

[Alpacalia]

An ex had retroactive jealousy. It was pretty bad. He ended up cheating on me. In turn, the cheating caused me to have my own with certain things.

Clearly, jealousy is not a healthy feeling to have in a relationship and it’s incredibly toxic. A little? Sure. But not at this level.

My question would be why do you want to continue to be with someone, anyone, where you have these types of feelings? Why put yourself through this? Why desire to be with someone you can't even trust?

You're always going to have more soreness from this. I think deep down you know that, and that pasts don't get brushed under a rug. They're the most important part to getting to know someone's genuinely character and the last thing you ever want is to get blind sided. You need to focus on what you can control not what you cannot. You cannot control what choices she may or may not make in the future. You can only control the choices you make. You can choose to be in a healthy relationship that brings you both long term fulfillment or you can choose to be paranoid and eventually burn both if you become toxic.

The past cannot hurt you. YOU are safe in this moment, typing on your keyboard feeling very safe and secure. Focus on that safety today, and prepare yourself for tomorrow by setting goals that will benefit your well being. That is something you can control.

[Charles34]

16 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

An ex had retroactive jealousy. It was pretty bad. He ended up cheating on me. In turn, the cheating caused me to have my own with certain things.

Clearly, jealousy is not a healthy feeling to have in a relationship and it’s incredibly toxic. A little? Sure. But not at this level.

My question would be why do you want to continue to be with someone, anyone, where you have these types of feelings? Why put yourself through this? Why desire to be with someone you can't even trust?

You're always going to have more soreness from this. I think deep down you know that, and that pasts don't get brushed under a rug. They're the most important part to getting to know someone's genuinely character and the last thing you ever want is to get blind sided. You need to focus on what you can control not what you cannot. You cannot control what choices she may or may not make in the future. You can only control the choices you make. You can choose to be in a healthy relationship that brings you both long term fulfillment or you can choose to be paranoid and eventually burn both if you become toxic.

The past cannot hurt you. YOU are safe in this moment, typing on your keyboard feeling very safe and secure. Focus on that safety today, and prepare yourself for tomorrow by setting goals that will benefit your well being. That is something you can control.

Thank you for the reply. I really like this girl and even though it’s only been five months she’s made me feel really strong feelings. I enjoy spending time with her, we talk all day, similar interests, amazing intimacy etc. so I don’t want to just give up and move on over what is a me issue largely.  
 I could meet someone else who I also feel jealousy towards about their past so ideally I want to move past these feelings with her and have a healthy relationship, which most of the time it is. She tells me she wants me, has never felt like this before and her actions match that so it’s hard to move on. I think if I did a huge part of me would regret that. 

[Alpacalia]

16 minutes ago, Charles34 said:

Thank you for the reply. I really like this girl and even though it’s only been five months she’s made me feel really strong feelings. I enjoy spending time with her, we talk all day, similar interests, amazing intimacy etc. so I don’t want to just give up and move on over what is a me issue largely.  
 I could meet someone else who I also feel jealousy towards about their past so ideally I want to move past these feelings with her and have a healthy relationship, which most of the time it is. She tells me she wants me, has never felt like this before and her actions match that so it’s hard to move on. I think if I did a huge part of me would regret that. 

It's that you're struggling with her past relationship with a female, yes?

Bisexuality, whoa, quite the challenge, especially for someone already grappling with trust issues.

I mean, before this, you're thinking about just half the dating pool, but now it seems like it's doubled.

It's like someone that is attracted to both blondes and redheads. Does that automatically mean you can't be happy dating a blonde because you'll forever long for a redhead? The actual concern is whether she finds other people attractive aside from you, and chances are, she will. Whether into guys, girls, or both, it's normal to find others appealing. But whether we act on that attraction and cheat, well, that's a completely different tale.

It's not about her being bi; it's about dealing with those worries of getting hurt. And, you're working on it, right? Facing those fears head-on is a solid move. 

For me, and what happened with my ex, I make it a rule for myself not to date men that are into multi-dating because I know for me, 1/1 relationship is what I can handle.

Even before he cheated, multi-dating did not appeal to me.

You can make the choice and be with someone that truly resonates with you and work on your fears towards that or accept that this is part of her past, and decide to deal with it.

These are my two cents, not sitting in judgement, but the underlying fear here is that you'll get hurt by her and how to go about making the right choice for yourself towards reducing that possibility. It is essentially no different than if she’d had experience with blond men before and she met you and she finds you attractive. I hope you’re not going around worrying that since she was once with a blonde man she will forever long for a blonde man.

You have to take into account both her level of character and how secure you are. And yes we can be all gung-ho when we talk about ‘trust’, but that trust absolutely needs to be substantiated by her actions and behaviour over time. If she’s demonstrated high integrity when it comes to loyalty and commitment, you need to take that into account before making judgments on her because of her past.

[Wiseman2]

On 11/24/2023 at 9:04 AM, Charles34 said:

I want to move past these feelings with her and have a healthy relationship, which most of the time it is. She tells me she wants me, has never felt like this before and her actions match that so it’s hard to move on

It doesn't seem like "retroactive jealousy", it seems like uncharted waters you're trying to navigate with someone who's bisexual.

It seems to be going well. Please slow down and catch your breath. The overwhelming too much too soon situation can add to feeling confused and lost at sea.