I Did the Unthinkable

[Lady Cathryn]

I posted here in winter 2020 after breaking up with my MM. We’ve had zero contact since then. I’ve dated other single guys.

 

Well even though we unfollowed one another on social media he must check my feed on occasion. Two months ago I posted that my beloved horse had died. He responded with his sorrow for my loss. He re-followed me and I re-followed him.

I was over-joyed to hear from him. That was my first mistake. My second mistake was messaging him thanking him for the condolences, he knew I loved this horse.

Within days the genie was back out of the bottle with long conversations leading to very sensual msgs.

I broke up with him yesterday (again). I said this is too painful for me, your status has not changed to single. His response was “I understand. And I am very sorry.”

He said he has strong feelings for me, that he is torn in a message from two days prior.

So here I am on Thanksgiving mourning this loss again. Thank God I came to my senses after two months but the pain is just as fresh as the first time.

A friend said to me after the first breakup “never go back to who broke you.” I should have remembered that.

I’m terribly sad right now and disappointed that after all this time I still have feelings for him.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Lady Cathryn said:

A friend said to me after the first breakup “never go back to who broke you.” I should have remembered that.

Condolences on your horse. Listen to your friends. Hopefully you have good friends and family and other support around you. 

Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Permanently.  This way you can free yourself from this and get a fresh start.

[Lady Cathryn]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Condolences on your horse. Listen to your friends. Hopefully you have good friends and family and other support around you. 

Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Permanently.  This way you can free yourself from this and get a fresh start.

I unfollowed him and locked my account for two years. I guess I thought I was over him so unlocked myself.

Don’t know why I can’t seem to hit the block button today. I’m a jumble of contradictory feelings. Maybe I want better closure than “I understand. And I am sorry.” But really what else can he say?

Disappointed in myself for walking right back into his (cyber) arms like we never parted.

He wanted to see me again. Yet we were both terrified. Our last parting was me crying. Ugh just feel like crap today. 

[Weezy1973]

First good job breaking up again with him. Second, closure never comes from someone else; it’s a gift you give yourself. And third, it’s okay to be sad. Try to stay away from doubling the hurt. Your emotions are what they are - just allow yourself to feel them.

[Progress99]

Be gentle with yourself, it happens to the best of us. This is what happens when your intentions and feelings are pure and genuine. We live and learn. As stated previously, implement NC fully. You might have future moments of "weakness", simply remind yourself and be very objective about the reason/s why you two aren't together anymore. Be diligent and adhere to NC. I am currently going through a breakup at the moment so I currently feel what you are going through. Be strong, reach out to your network and know that it will eventually but with a lot of effort, things will get easier. 

[Lady Cathryn]

7 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

First good job breaking up again with him. Second, closure never comes from someone else; it’s a gift you give yourself. And third, it’s okay to be sad. Try to stay away from doubling the hurt. Your emotions are what they are - just allow yourself to feel them.

Thanks Weezy. You are right. Screaming into my pillow is somewhat helpful but a primal scream on top of a mountain would be better. 

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, Lady Cathryn said:

. I said this is too painful for me, your status has not changed to single. His response was “I understand. And I am very sorry.”

Please take care of yourself. This is "closure". But you need to delete and block him because you're still hoping his "status" changed.  As long as you keep that door open wishing and hoping, the longer you're inflicting this pain upon yourself. Free yourself from this prison. 

[Lady Cathryn]

9 minutes ago, Progress99 said:

Be gentle with yourself, it happens to the best of us. This is what happens when your intentions and feelings are pure and genuine. We live and learn. As stated previously, implement NC fully. You might have future moments of "weakness", simply remind yourself and be very objective about the reason/s why you two aren't together anymore. Be diligent and adhere to NC. I am currently going through a breakup at the moment so I currently feel what you are going through. Be strong, reach out to your network and know that it will eventually but with a lot of effort, things will get easier. 

I’m sorry you are going through a breakup too 😕.

You are right about letting one’s guard down. I really thought I was well past him.

My feelings for him were so strong and I still can’t figure out why. It wasn’t a bonafide relationship that moved forward naturally it was all a fantasy in both our minds, right down to future faking.

Wishing you the very best on your own journey. 

[Lady Cathryn]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please take care of yourself. This is "closure". But you need to delete and block him because you're still hoping his "status" changed.  As long as you keep that door open wishing and hoping, the longer you're inflicting this pain upon yourself. Free yourself from this prison. 

You are correct. It’s a prison. Hope was still in my heart, just lying dormant. 

[Progress99]

1 minute ago, Lady Cathryn said:

I’m sorry you are going through a breakup too 😕.

You are right about letting one’s guard down. I really thought I was well past him.

My feelings for him were so strong and I still can’t figure out why. It wasn’t a bonafide relationship that moved forward naturally it was all a fantasy in both our minds, right down to future faking.

Wishing you the very best on your own journey. 

I recently heard on a video that that we hurt post break up because that person is not who you thought they were. And that we created this  imaginary person in our heads and their actions confirmed their true intentions. This is where looking at the situation objectively and trying your best to remove emotion (I know very difficult) will play to your benefit at arriving at true and honest closure. 

[Lady Cathryn]

19 minutes ago, Progress99 said:

I recently heard on a video that that we hurt post break up because that person is not who you thought they were. And that we created this  imaginary person in our heads and their actions confirmed their true intentions. This is where looking at the situation objectively and trying your best to remove emotion (I know very difficult) will play to your benefit at arriving at true and honest closure. 

Good points.

I prematurely ascribe qualities to men that there is no way of knowing yet that they actually possess.

I truly thought he cared for me as I cared for him. Maybe he does, he said he does, but he’s not getting unmarried. A long-term marriage is A LOT to unwind. Easier to stay in it, especially in your 60s with grown children and grandchildren.

I see this so clearly. I get it. My heart fell hard though 😕. 

[mark clemson]

I don't think the real question you need to ask yourself is why you "fell" for him again. The real question (for you to ask yourself) is why you haven't moved on since 2020 and why you aren't with someone else. Don't feel like you need to respond here it's just something for you to consider, but that it was I see.

You broke up in 2020 - it's been 3 years going on 4. IMO if anything you should be posting here about issues with the new beau, not still bemoaning the MM from that many years ago.

Everyone's different so perhaps that's easier for me to say than for you to do. Still it's your only reasonable path forward at this point. In fact it's been your only reasonable path for a while now. Time to start walking it...

Edited November 24, 2023 by mark clemson

[NuevoYorko]

16 hours ago, Progress99 said:

I recently heard on a video that that we hurt post break up because that person is not who you thought they were.

That can certainly be an element of it, but in many ways we hurt after a break up for the predictable reasons:  1) we miss them, and 2) "what could have been" type of thinking - even when the person is exactly who you thought (knew) they were.

It doesn't matter though.   A breakup is going to be painful and difficult when there were strong feelings involved.

 

[glows]

This reads to me more like you were feeling vulnerable and feeling immense loss because your beloved pet and horse passed away and this ex/MM was from that time. He also remembers your horse. This is more about bereavement about your pet horse than it is about married guy. Sure, it brought up old feelings but I think you need to cut yourself some slack here and just tell yourself “I was feeling real sh-tty and I miss my beloved horse but I’m going to be OK”.

Please stop beating yourself up about this guy. He is not the issue. Issue is loss of your pet and feeling lonely, and a painful void/loss. Be with loved ones and friends. 

[Luna66star]

Same thing happened to me once.  MM & I went our separate ways because I was in an unhealthy attachment.  It was super hard to do because when I was lonely or broke up with someone, he would always agree to start talking again.  I would send a text in tears about something and he would be there.

In your case, you were vulnerable and mourning.  It's totally natural and understandable to want to reach out during these times.  As you stated, afterwards the old feelings return and there you are back to square One.  Attached again, just like that.  Its because we reminisce about the relationship we had with this person.  I did it.  During lonely times i would wonder how he's doing, while not necessarily reaching out.  He would always be in the back of my mind though.  I think this applies to you. That's why you lit up so much when he contacted you.  

I still think of him at times but when I run into him, I say hi and just continue walking.  I know better.  Even after a chance encounter, I still reminisce!.  BUT I do not act on my feelings, no matter how giddy I feel about running into him.  I've moved on and am with someone else now.

It's so crazy, but I still think of him at times after all this time.  

I love myself enough to never turn back.❤️.  Please do the same.

 

 

 

 

 

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[S2B]

So all he made effort for was a message and several messages that followed - asking to see you in the end?

he’s made NO effort - none to be available and is essentially STILL offering YOU nothing!

this is all about what HE wants. Still. 
 

block him. And be glad you aren’t his wife in the receiving end of his philandering. 

[semble]

On 11/23/2023 at 5:11 PM, Lady Cathryn said:

A friend said to me after the first breakup “never go back to who broke you."

A better expression might be said before the first date "Don't go out with a guy who sleeps with his wife every night".

 

[Lady Cathryn]

On 11/28/2023 at 2:42 PM, semble said:

A better expression might be said before the first date "Don't go out with a guy who sleeps with his wife every night".

 

He said he had not slept with her for 12 years. True or false? I don’t know. Do you? Do you know him? 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Lady Cathryn said:

I Did the Unthinkable

All the control and power is at your fingertips to undo the unthinkable. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Please discontinue the fantasy that was spun out of his lies. This holds you back, even though it's easier to swallow than the horrible truth.

Please Google "cognitive dissonance", it's when the truth is so awful, your mind rewrites things to make the unacceptable acceptable. In this case that the entire affair was a lie.

[semble]

1 hour ago, Lady Cathryn said:

He said he had not slept with her for 12 years. True or false? I don’t know. Do you? Do you know him? 

Given his dishonesty and questionable self serving motivations it's safe to say that I know him about as well as you do.

[S2B]

It’s doubtful he hasn’t had sex with her in 12 years. 
 

he’s got more reasons to stay than to leave.

given that - he’s right where he chooses to be.

 

[S2B]

20 hours ago, Lady Cathryn said:

He said he had not slept with her for 12 years. True or false? I don’t know. Do you? Do you know him? 

Call and ask her!

when my ex H was cheating he told his OW we didn’t have sex.

we had sex at least once a day - sometimes 2-3 times a day.

some men lie. Some men cheat. He’s likely both.

[stillafool]

On 11/29/2023 at 8:23 PM, Lady Cathryn said:

He said he had not slept with her for 12 years. True or false? I don’t know. Do you? Do you know him? 

This is the biggest lie MM tell their mistresses.  Think about it, if he told you he has a good sex life with his wife, but still likes some strange on the side, would you still have sex with him?

[BaileyB]

On 11/29/2023 at 7:23 PM, Lady Cathryn said:

He said he had not slept with her for 12 years.

If it sounds too ridiculous to be true, it’s probably not true.

You know for fact that he has lied to his wife about you. You should expect in turn that he is lying to you about the state of his marriage. 

As was said above, this is a common statement for an unfaithful man. If he was truthful and said that he slept beside his wife every night and they had regular sex, not many women would give him the time of day…