Disliking certain people - Reply/Comment

[Crusader]

I know for me that there is some kind of something going on between people that I don't think anyone really understands, yet. I know I don't, but I do think I understand what you are asking in that post from July, I think it was around the 4th or something. But I definetely believe that there is a relationship with our past experiences and the people we don't like, or find "abrasive" if you will.

A few years ago, I took my car to a shop to have a LOT of work done on it. The owner and I got along super well in the beginning because we have so much in common, and we see things a lot the same way. And I mean we see a lot of things a lot of the same ways.

It took 2 years to get my car road worthy. And in that time a lot happened in both of our lives. We both became short with conversations and our communication broke down. Well, I got really mad at him, and he got really mad at me. I am a very reserved person unless there is something someone does that boils down to a principle of mistreating other people that really bothers me. I find disrespecting others extremely distasteful, and when someone does that, for example, it isn't the put down that bothers me, it is the fact that someone uses words to hurt other people, and that bothers, me. So what it boiled down to was I assumed he wasn't straight forward with me and he assumed I wasn't being straight forward with him. Well, a few months ago, I was driving. It is what I normally do to relax, think, ponder and process logically. So anyway. I realized maybe I had been wrong and perhaps he actually meant something or I missed something somehow. So I went to ask him and sure enough. I WAS WRONG!!!!

Well, you want to talk about blood brothers? YUP. We are very close now and trust each other more than had that not happened.

So I think in this case, mine, that perhaps he and I are so much a like that he gets upset when people do things that the principle involved in them is what upsets him, like it does me, not the people.

Maybe what it could be is that when we identify someone that has a potential to be a very close friend, we hold them to higher standards and "Look" for them to mess up so we don't get close and run the risk of getting hurt. But then we find out that the truth is we never would want to hurt them nor them us, and neither one of us ever would, will or even could! Wow!

 

 

[Foxhall]

 Ive become somewhat more aloof with people nowadays ,having been too dependent on other people or specifically over dependent on one or two friends back 15 to 20 years ago.

So the kind of thought  process you describe there is not something that I personally would like to have on my mind,

I am pleased for you however that you have found a good sense of bonding - a blood brother can be a good thing I guess, as long as it does not become an obsession,

 

 

[Alpacalia]

You might figure that trait that you dislike a flaw 'cause, well, it kinda seems that way. Some stuff gets under my skin while others shrug it off. That's when you're like, "Why does this bug me?" But hey, we're all just human, thinking in our own quirky ways. So, not everyone's gonna gel the same way.

Disliking a murderer isn't about being one yourself—it's about disliking their actions. Similarly, not enjoying loud chewers isn't about your own habits; it's simply finding it a bit icky.

With your brother, we just naturally have higher expectations for the ones we're close to. Then, when they're not met, it nags a little more. Happens all the time, even for small, harmless things.

Edited November 25, 2023 by Alpacalia

[glows]

I don’t know if I “look” for people to mess up but I sure as heck don’t tolerate hypocrisy, arrogance and inflated self-importance. Good you had the humility and wisdom to check in with your brother and look for misunderstandings.

[Crusader]

I appreciate yall's input. I am processing. I see all three of your points. All good.

[Crusader]

On 11/24/2023 at 7:15 PM, Foxhall said:

 Ive become somewhat more aloof with people nowadays ,having been too dependent on other people or specifically over dependent on one or two friends back 15 to 20 years ago.

So the kind of thought  process you describe there is not something that I personally would like to have on my mind,

I am pleased for you however that you have found a good sense of bonding - a blood brother can be a good thing I guess, as long as it does not become an obsession,

 

 

I hear you saying something like you may not be interested in connecting with others on a super deep level. That is what I have learned. I used to have "friends" that were not. It was hard to learn because people "seem" to relate to us on some level most of the time, but sometimes they do "AND" don't, and that is confusing to me. At least it was. I was like What?

I think maybe what I have found is that this friend of mine is similar to me on many levels and the ones we both feel strongest about, are the main ones we have in common. The ones that separated us were our strong feelings about the same thing that we were mistaken about. He thought one thing but I said something and we both understood each other to mean the thing that offended us, when actually it was not "Due" to his "personal" mistake nor mine. It was a miscommunication on both parts. I sent him an email he never got, I thought he did. Based on the fact that he didn't get that email, "And I Assumed" he did, that blew us out of the water. So 2 years later, I checked, and sure enough he is good with me, it was a miscommunication. I thought he got it, he didn't, it cost me $3,000+ worth of work that I disapproved and he didn't get my disapproval. Can you see how I was upset? I skipped right over asking him about the work verbally, because when I asked him what the bill was, "$3,000" more than what I thought, I didn't bother to ask. I assumed he got the message and that he was underhanded about it. Well I was wrong. So, wow!

I believe the people we do get along with are the ones who have similar "Spiritual Values" whatever they may be. Like it depends on what we see, if others see what we see, we are good to go with that area, if they see what we see and something we don't, and we can communicate, we can grow. If we don't see enough things alike to communicate with, then disconnect. Disconnecting is a new concept I came up with to help me. I don't get angry, I don't understand most of the time, but that's okay. Nothing in the world says I have to get upset at someone if I don't understand them. I just retrieve what is mine, take what is mine and look for others who can understand, or see what I see, so to speak. This has worked very well for me. I am finding people I can agree with, and though I come across those I don't, I don't hate them, or who they are, I may not agree, with what they do, but I can't make someone see what they don't. I can shed some light on what I see to verify if they see the same things in small areas, before I turn on the big light and invest myself and time in them. It is hard to explain, but if they see what I see, then we are good to go, if they don't, I just take my flashlight and find someone else to shed some light on things and see if they see the same things I do the same way.

[Crusader]

On 11/24/2023 at 7:50 PM, Alpacalia said:

You might figure that trait that you dislike a flaw 'cause, well, it kinda seems that way. Some stuff gets under my skin while others shrug it off. That's when you're like, "Why does this bug me?" But hey, we're all just human, thinking in our own quirky ways. So, not everyone's gonna gel the same way.

Disliking a murderer isn't about being one yourself—it's about disliking their actions. Similarly, not enjoying loud chewers isn't about your own habits; it's simply finding it a bit icky.

With your brother, we just naturally have higher expectations for the ones we're close to. Then, when they're not met, it nags a little more. Happens all the time, even for small, harmless things.

Your right in your idea of the fact that we don't gel the same way : ) But please read my reply, above this one.

It is amazing how one assumption can change our entire life. But between me and my friend, James, it's funny, but the concept of who I was learning he was, at that time I had only known him 2 years, then, 2 years after the miscommunication, I asked God, realized I made that mistake 2 years earlier, and went to talk to him. But the circumstances, the problem with the email, being too busy, pressure, it all accumulated to one misunderstanding that could have ruined my life! This was a life changing experience! Like I have been driving down the road, like when you make a wrong turn, and you realize you're not where you intended to go according to the map you have. Like "Hey, this doesn't look familiar." So then I asked God, where did I miss it? He was right on! 2 years LATER! After our miscommunication, God shed some light on the situation and whalla! Better!

 

 

 

[Crusader]

On 11/24/2023 at 10:05 PM, glows said:

I don’t know if I “look” for people to mess up but I sure as heck don’t tolerate hypocrisy, arrogance and inflated self-importance. Good you had the humility and wisdom to check in with your brother and look for misunderstandings.

You know, it's funny, but you just perfectly described what a person who is bad at their core is like! : )

I am finding it all boils down to "Do I seek answers to help myself overcome everyone else, or do I seek answers on how I can help others, even if it costs me something?"

🗝️

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Crusader said:

Your right in your idea of the fact that we don't gel the same way : ) But please read my reply, above this one.

It is amazing how one assumption can change our entire life. But between me and my friend, James, it's funny, but the concept of who I was learning he was, at that time I had only known him 2 years, then, 2 years after the miscommunication, I asked God, realized I made that mistake 2 years earlier, and went to talk to him. But the circumstances, the problem with the email, being too busy, pressure, it all accumulated to one misunderstanding that could have ruined my life! This was a life changing experience! Like I have been driving down the road, like when you make a wrong turn, and you realize you're not where you intended to go according to the map you have. Like "Hey, this doesn't look familiar." So then I asked God, where did I miss it? He was right on! 2 years LATER! After our miscommunication, God shed some light on the situation and whalla! Better!

I read it. I enjoyed reading your insight. But I wonder if you're 100% spot-on or not. I mean, I agree with most of it, but it seems a bit ... I don't know. I mean, in theory it works great, but not many people (supposedly) can do it. Not in my world. Almost nobody has their flashlight ready, 100% of the time. Perhaps what you said is the way to go, but besides being difficult (if even nobody else gets it right) how do you synchronize between the elevations of consciousness you spoke of? Especially beside the communication...

I feel that it's great to know good communication but I believe that it is necessary to work on certain things and to let go of certain possible unprefigured expectations and remember that there is no such thing as great communication, unless Maslow is right and that there is almost potential enough for everyone to use good communication.

Try not to fit yourself into a box where you have to like someone's characteristics 100%, because it's impossible.  It's important that you connect somewhere, perhaps it may be a very small place, but you understand each other in that area. Communication will take place. You may have to adjust to that relationship and learn what you can, know when to stop and move on, and in the meantime your friend can do all of these same things.

If they are not growing and you are, then it's time for you to move on, find someone who is on a level that you can "connect" with and continue communicating although it is not the same amount of communication you would have with someone you fully understand and appreciate, but that is what we call change. You just change, and everything else also. You're the one who has evolved to the next step and now the ball is in your hands. You now have the choice to interact with the new ball of clay. Or a clump. 

Edited December 6, 2023 by Alpacalia