Crossroads. Is This the End?

[introverted1]

10 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

No, I do not have 6 months.

I have classes already booked for Spring 24 to further my education that is almost a full-time class load and I work. I could do it in the summer though, albeit, summer semester is 2 months and not sure how proficient I will become in a new language in two months, but it would be a start.

Please also recall that my father JUST HAD a major stroke, it is still very touch and go with him. Of course, he could make a decent recovery between now and then, but right now he is still a fall risk, wheelchair bound, paralyzed on one side and just a few weeks ago rushed to the ER again which I was present for. As much as I love my boyfriend, I would feel terrible leaving the country if my father is still in such a tenuous state. It is hard enough leaving the state for a few days. But I am hopeful that my father will improve and be more stable by then but I cannot predict the future.

Ok.

I think we come at this from different perspectives.  I'd be thrilled to have the opportunity to live in Europe (you haven't said where but I'm imagining a Schengen country).  I also understand the need to be near your dad, having gone through a protracted illness with my own father. 

But I don't know anything about how you really feel about your bf, whether you two think you are life partners (I think you said he asked you to marry him at one point), what your long-range plans are, etc.  All that said, you could plan to go in Spring 25, perhaps. By then, your dad will have stabilised, you'll have had more time to learn the language, your bf will have had time to get settled into his program, and you will only be dealing with 6 month's time apart. Maybe you will tell me there are other reasons this can't work. I am just trying to point out that there are options other than go now or break up, if that's what you two mutually want to explore. 

[Gaeta]

I feel so much for you Alpacalia. 

It's excruciating to see our parents decline in health.

Just to clarify something here, your boyfriend asked you to marry before or after he applied for the scholarship in Europe?

 

[Alpacalia]

GM all. You've given me a lot to chew on. I am going to table this for now (have to move next week) so suppose I'll pick this up after. Right now I am just going to 100% focus on getting my head to stop spinning :). Thank you for getting me back on track and also opening my eyes to alternative solutions.

[Els]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

GM all. You've given me a lot to chew on. I am going to table this for now (have to move next week) so suppose I'll pick this up after. Right now I am just going to 100% focus on getting my head to stop spinning :). Thank you for getting me back on track and also opening my eyes to alternative solutions.

Hope things work out for you!

[Els]

13 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

You know, I am really getting mad thinking about this now.

Why should I be the one to uproot my entire life just to make him happy? This is his dream, that I support, but I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick.

What about my dreams and aspirations? Am I just supposed to put them on hold for the next five years? I'm not mad at him but asking me to uproot my life just because it's what he wants is unfair. Yes, he's my partner, but what about my needs and wants? It's not just about him. I feel like I'm being asked to sacrifice everything for his dream, without any guarantee that it will all work out.

Asking me to come with him isn't a solution; it's just adding more pressure on me to make a decision that I'm not ready to make.

I feel you.

I think this is a decision that only you can make. There are so many factors that go into the equation, and none of us know the nuances and context as well as you do. You are correct that you shouldn't have to be the one to uproot your life to make him happy - IMO the expectation that women should do that for their partners is basically an extension of patriarchal culture. Your dreams and aspirations are just as important as his own.

On the other hand, would you really have felt better if he didn't even ask you to come? I feel like asking you was the right thing for him to do (at least, compared to NOT asking you). Is it possible that he thought you might enjoy living in Europe? You can always say no, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you choosing to do that.

Full disclosure: I moved to be with my husband (then-bf) and it was one of the best decisions of my life. EVEN if we hadn't worked out, I would still have called it one of the best decisions of my life. However, I have always wanted to live in the country that he was in, getting permanent residency there was one of the highlights of my life, and I also don't feel responsible for my parents. It's a very individual thing, a decision that works out for one person might not work for another.

All the best.

[BaileyB]

Further to what Els said above, I didn’t move to another country but I sold a home that I loved and had worked really hard to acquire to move in with my partner. When he first asked me to move in, I didn’t sleep for a week. I said to him - I am making all the sacrifice, I am taking all the risk, this decision is causing me a lot of stress… and literally, the next day he made a decision that met me halfway and gave me the confidence to take the leap. Relationships are negotiated, and while both partners should have the ability follow their own dreams there is also a shared responsibility to compromise… a relationship in which one partner doesn’t compromise at all and the other makes all the sacrifice is not a very balanced relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

 I am going to table this for now (have to move next week) so suppose I'll pick this up after. 

Good idea. Focus on your move, your family, your school and stabilizing things.  When you met, you were already thinking about moving back across the country, going back to school, etc. and he was already planning to apply to this European PhD program. It wasn't your dream to move to Europe and it wasn't his dream to move to the east coast.

So overall while it's a trying and bittersweet situation to address, it may be best to continue to each follow your own paths rather than try to force fit your lives together. 

Love doesn't conquer all and in fact setting each other free to pursue your respective dreams may be the best act of love. 

[Alpacalia]

15 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I feel so much for you Alpacalia. 

It's excruciating to see our parents decline in health.

Just to clarify something here, your boyfriend asked you to marry before or after he applied for the scholarship in Europe?

 

Thank you Gaeta. ❤

Yes. It is...

He asked me before.

[fishlips]

On 11/28/2023 at 8:17 PM, Alpacalia said:

No, I do not have 6 months.

I have classes already booked for Spring 24 to further my education that is almost a full-time class load and I work. I could do it in the summer though, albeit, summer semester is 2 months and not sure how proficient I will become in a new language in two months, but it would be a start.

Please also recall that my father JUST HAD a major stroke, it is still very touch and go with him. Of course, he could make a decent recovery between now and then, but right now he is still a fall risk, wheelchair bound, paralyzed on one side and just a few weeks ago rushed to the ER again which I was present for. As much as I love my boyfriend, I would feel terrible leaving the country if my father is still in such a tenuous state. It is hard enough leaving the state for a few days. But I am hopeful that my father will improve and be more stable by then but I cannot predict the future.

I feel for you. My husband recently had a stroke as well. You are right...you just can't leave.

Is staying in California until you finish your degree and then moving to Europe an option? At least you wouldn't have to be there for five years, and hopefully your dad would be better by then.

[Will am I]

The problem with ageing parents is that these medical setbacks may be temporary but they’re also part of a larger pattern where the elderly keep getting older.

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, fishlips said:

I feel for you. My husband recently had a stroke as well. You are right...you just can't leave.

Is staying in California until you finish your degree and then moving to Europe an option? At least you wouldn't have to be there for five years, and hopefully your dad would be better by then.

Awe. Sorry to hear and I hope he's doing better? Yeah, it's def up and down rollercoaster with stroke recovery. One minute everything is fine and the next there's a setback of some sort.

Edited December 2, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Alpacalia]

So boyfriend and I had a talk and he reminded me that the love and commitment we have for each other goes beyond our location. It doesn't change just because we're physically apart. He also reminded me that we both have our own individual lives to live.

While it's important for us to continue supporting and being there for each other, we also need to focus on our own goals and dreams outside of the relationship. This doesn't mean that our relationship is any less important, but it means that we have the freedom to pursue our passions without holding each other back. He also acknowledged that the distance will be challenging, but he reassured me that we have a strong foundation and he'll do whatever it takes to make our relationship work.

I just don't foresee 5 years of long distance well. He's right; we have a lot of love and commitment, but distance and missing each other will inevitably take its toll. I want to believe that our love is strong enough to withstand the distance, but the uncertainty and fear are overwhelming. We'll revist this distance topic as a couple, I'm hoping in that moment I can hear his logic and feel warm, but I don't know where closing this chapter leads us, or if it's even the right decision.

I want to be with him and build a life together, but I also don't want to lose myself in the process.

Thanks everyone for the helpful comments. It has not been easy.

[Alpacalia]

Boyfriend and I parted ways.

I know he is going to pursue his dream but I couldn't shake the feeling that he is leaving at the worst time. It's something I struggled with for a while and even though he wanted me to come with him and offered not to go, everything felt rushed and it's just something that I couldn't reconcile in my head. It hurts very much thinking we might never see each other again but at the same time, I would probably be filled with resentment if I went with him. It feels like I had to give something up. There may be a point in the future where we cross paths again, and if that happens, I know it will be the right time for our relationship to continue. But for now, I have to accept that we are on different paths, and I have to focus on mine.

I was standing outside the other day and one of my neighbors came up to me. He said "hi new neighbor" and then asked me who I live with. He also said "oh, you probably have a man too right?" and I said yes. I wasn't really too thrilled with the conversation because I felt that it was weird question to ask someone I just met outside, but it's not the first time someone has assumed that I have a boyfriend or a man around.

It got me thinking about how much pressure society puts on people to be in a relationship, and that it's seen as odd or unusual if someone isn't in one. I think that's what also adds to my sadness and fear - that I'm not just dealing with my own feelings, but also societal expectations and pressures. It also reminded me that my ex is going to be living thousands of miles away and the thought of him being so far away overshadowed everything.

Thanks again for all the input. I haven't really spoken to my ex, although he has reached out a few times to check in. I just didn't know how to put into words exactly how I was feeling before, and the thread helped me process it a little bit more.

[Acacia98]

25 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Boyfriend and I parted ways.

I know he is going to pursue his dream but I couldn't shake the feeling that he is leaving at the worst time. It's something I struggled with for a while and even though he wanted me to come with him and offered not to go, everything felt rushed and it's just something that I couldn't reconcile in my head.

That's sad, @Alpacalia. But it also sounds like the best decision for you.

[Gaeta]

Logicaly it's the best decision but it's sad to see you go through this. :-(

Big Hug 🧡

[FMW]

I know it's really painful for you, I'm sorry ☹️.  It sounds like you made the most reasonable decision given the circumstances.  Be kind to yourself and take your time to work through it.

[Els]

@Alpacalia Sorry to hear that it didn't work out. I agree that it's likely for the best, though. 5 years of long distance would be untenable for most people, and also honestly a horrendous way to spend your early 30s (if I got your ages right). This may be painful in the short term, but eventually I feel like you'd be glad that you had the strength to stand up for your boundaries and let him go.

Hugs.

[Alpacalia]

Thanks LS for the hugs. 🤗 It's really okay.

It was something I thought long and hard about and I know in my heart it was the right decision for the both of us. I know he will do amazing things and I am truly happy for him.

He was having second thoughts about going but I told him he should go as I didn't want him to regret not pursuing his dream. It also showed me that he was putting our relationship before his dream which I didn't want, and it wouldn't be fair on him if I asked him not to fulfill his dream for my own selfish reasons. I also know that I am going to be okay.

Who knows what amazing things may come my way in the future? Thanks again for everyone's support. It's been therapeutic and I am grateful for this community. ❤

[Foxhall]

Sending you hugs, 

I suppose the thing with relationships- even if the partner is very suitable- things still have to align in terms of being able to follow ones life or career path,

Its hard to predict it,

In my own situation- I seen her walk away nine years ago- then bizarrely when she reappeared eight years later I again let her go and now Im still hoping for third time lucky,

Well anyway in your case at least its good to have closure, although there may be regrets, you have made a decision,

Looking ahead I am sure you will not be short of interest for want of a better word,  you will be a wonderful partner for whatever lucky guy.

 

 

[Foxhall]

On 11/25/2023 at 11:08 AM, Alpacalia said:

My boyfriend and I met in California and fell in love.

lol I think I said sometime before that hypothetically Id love to meet you for a coffee,

well If I dont get my happy ending this year and in the unlikely event that you are still single,

2025 I will make the trip- 

that would definitely be the longest I have travelled for a date.☺️

Anyway Happy Blue Monday- hope its a good one whatever you are doing

[princessaurora]

I am a firm believer in fate and "what's meant to be will  be".  I think you made the right decision even though I know it was a heartbreaking one. But you did have a very high risk of resentment on both your parts and you knew that. ( him for giving up his passion to study in Europe, or you for agreeing to a five year long distance relationship).  You made the best possible decision and if you two do find each other again in the future, you will both have the peace of mind of knowing you didn't stand in each other's way.  Maybe in  years to come, you'll both be single at the same time, or if not, you'll meet someone amazing and know that's who you're meant to be with.  But regardless, you ended things respectfully,  so there won't be any bad blood between you if and when you do meet again. He may be upset now, but in time he'll appreciate that you did one of the most selfless things a partner can do and that will make you even more incredible in his eyes. 😊

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 15 by princessaurora
spelling

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, princessaurora said:

I am a firm believer in fate and "what's meant to be will  be".  I think you made the right decision even though I know it was a heartbreaking one. But you did have a very high risk of resentment on both your parts and you knew that. ( him for giving up his passion to study in Europe, or you for agreeing to a five year long distance relationship).  You made the best possible decision and if you two do find each other again in the future, you will both have the peace of mind of knowing you didn't stand in each other's way.  Maybe in  years to come, you'll both be single at the same time, or if not, you'll meet someone amazing and know that's who you're meant to be with.  But regardless, you ended things respectfully,  so there won't be any bad blood between you if and when you do meet again. He may be upset now, but in time he'll appreciate that you did one of the most selfless things a partner can do and that will make you even more incredible in his eyes. 😊

 

I really appreciate your comments. They were what I needed to read right now. I too believe those who are meant to be together will eventually find their way back to each other. Maybe not now, maybe not in a few years, but if it's meant to be, it will happen eventually. And like you mentioned, it is important to not stand in each other's way and let things unfold naturally. Thank you for your kind words and support. It means a lot to me.

[Foxhall]

7 hours ago, princessaurora said:

He may be upset now, but in time he'll appreciate that you did one of the most selfless things a partner can do and that will make you even more incredible in his eyes. 😊

thats a really good post ,

I like the idea of there being a way back also and finding other again.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Foxhall said:

I like the idea of there being a way back also and finding other again.

I understand your reasoning.

Edited January 16 by Alpacalia

[Alpacalia]

BF and I broke up January 13.

We have not spoken since, but he recently reached out to tell me the day he was leaving for Europe to pursue his Ph.D. and asked if I wanted to say goodbye.

At first, I was hesitant and didn't know how to respond. But after thinking about it and talking to some friends, I decided that I am not going to meet up with him. I didn't want to open up old wounds and say goodbye, only to have to say goodbye again when he actually leaves for Europe.

Part of me feels a little sad that we won't get the chance to say a proper goodbye. 

I wish him all the best in Europe and hope he achieves his dreams. But there is a little part of me that feels maybe I should have said yes to seeing him before he leaves, just because we parted so amicably and it would have been nice to see him one last time.

He was upset that I didn't want to, so there's a part of me that feels guilty about it. I'm not sure why I feel that way, since ultimately it was my decision and I didn't want to put myself through the emotional turmoil again.

But I also read something recently that said exes don't owe each other anything, and that really resonated with me. I don't owe him a goodbye if I feel it's not the right thing for me.