40 and still searching

[despairingbuttrying]

I reached 40 a few months ago and so far this decade has not been great. Still currently slaving away at my job where I’ve been at for 6 years now, working for a boss who is increasingly neurotic, micro managing and flips out over minor mistakes and I’m desperate to leave but I cannot seem to figure what to do next.  I need to though and asap.  

Dating wise, I’m still going on a date here and there but they’re always with women I’m not really attracted to or unsure about but end up meeting them anyway because I want to give it “a chance.”  Of course it I experience the same result.  Recently in the space of a few weeks I got rejected twice by two different women, one of whom I definitely wasn't into anyway after a first date but the other I did find attractive and would have given it a third date if she was keen but to be honest felt there was a lack of connection anyway. However they got in touch first and said I don't think we're compatible and the second one said we're not a good fit and don't see it going anywhere. So even though I was not totally into either woman as I just said, it has still hit me hard.

I feel I can't keep saying I just haven't met the right one, not now, not at 40. Maybe at 21 or 25 but at this age surely there has to come a point where I finally experience that mutual connection and attraction with a woman. It appears to be as elusive as ever for me.  So I conclude then there must be something not right with me at this point.  At first I thought perhaps it’s my brown skin or my looks but then I am still getting matches on dating apps and these women are still willing to meet, so they are obviously ok with how I look.  Maybe it’s because I don’t have a great career or job so they think this guy isn’t going places and can’t provide that security they’re looking for.  Or maybe it’s because I’m not all that enthusiastic about life in general.  I don’t know but regardless I’m so exhausted with this.

[d0nnivain]

I met my husband when I was 39.  It can happen.  Age is just a number.  Sit down & really think about what you want.  Clearly you are hoping for a good connection & mutual attraction.  That is a great foundation.   Also think about what you bring to the table.  Then throw it out to the universe that you want a good match.  

Your lack of enthusiasm about life in general is probably coloring things.  Nobody wants to date Eeyore, Winnie the Pooh's sad donkey friend who has a black cloud over his head.  You don't have to run around like little Mary SunShine but you need to find something to be upbeat about.   When you are an upbeat person it will be easier to attract love.   

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, despairingbuttrying said:

I thought perhaps it’s my brown skin or my looks but then I am still getting matches on dating apps and these women are still willing to meet, so they are obviously ok with how I look.   I’m not all that enthusiastic about life in general.

You seem to have good insight into this. If you're getting matches, that's a good start, but if you come across as defeatist and unhappy, people may get turned off. You don't have to be smiles and sunshine, but having a better self accepting approach could help. 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, despairingbuttrying said:

Or maybe it’s because I’m not all that enthusiastic about life in general.

Hate to say it, but this would be a big part of the problem.  

Have you ever talked to your doctor about your general feelings of malaise?  Or seen a psychologist?

 

[basil67]

Thinking further, your posts all have the same vibe of negativity and this would surely impact your success in dating and career.   But the lack of dating and career success adds to your negativity.   It's all a big loop that you can't get out of.  

I would say that you really, really need assistance to break this loop and get yourself on the right track.  Please do see your doctor

[ZA Dater]

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote being in a similar situation myself.

One thing that has helped me is to take the view that each day is an opportunity for me to work on myself and I have found that as stupid as this sounds it does to some extent take away the loneliness, as does keeping busy but these are not the ultimate solutions!

Rejection is never pleasant and I wish I knew how to make it sting less. 

My view is unfortunately with time it becomes a lot harder to date, you become out of step with everyone else which is OK if you can date younger but to be truthful the only people who seem to get this right are those with significant resources or good looks but mostly both.

 

[glows]

You answered your question in the last few lines. If you’re not happy with yourself (work/employment generally takes up a big part of someone’s waking hours and life if you’re working full time) it’s a major turn off. 

 

[Alpacalia]

Eeee, I went by choice for several years not to date. Not a SINGLE date. I dunno, maybe I was like a monkette or something.

See, I know many people for whom the past decade was an incredibly tough one, like slipping on a banana peel into the abyss of their greatest fear, doubts and worries. I’ve had to confront a lot of the pain, grief and programming of the past in years in general. And to be sure it has been constant WORK.

Body work, meditation, retreats, education, travel, it has been an endless quest to integrate what I’d been working towards. I definitely have made peace and grown exponentially but I don't know what the heck I am supposed to do in the future. My closest sign of hope is finding "My Voice", now that I have found myself. It's been such a struggle to learn to express myself in general. I feel I have been in a war with myself in forming real and intimate connections with people.

However, I am working on my health and I am getting healthier. I am starting to truly find my voice.

This drop has been up and down. Not going to give you the "Just be patient, the right one will come along eventually" even though I know you expressed frustration with that as well. First of all, listen to yourself when you expressed you don’t really like how your job’s been treating you. Also, I challenge you to consider the maybe at this moment in your life you might actually want to take a step back instead. Get out of that job and give yourself a while to take a breather to pivot.

Yes you need *a year off from everything in life* to just sit and do all the things you need to do you’ve been telling yourself you want to be doing, but haven’t been able to because you’ve been slogging at work you are not really thrilled in.

That’s right. "Frig" the dating apps, the job hustle, the rest of that outside hustle and grind people convince you, fascinatingly enough, is necessary. Forget it all. I feel like at this point you are compromised in that area, and self care is in order to reconnect with yourself. Take into account you seem to still not be sure about your would be dates.

I don’t mean be picky, but be careful. Nobody’s asking you to bypass red flags because you want to get married next year; unrealistic, but also doing that will land you in a ditch in equally little time. Take your time, listen to your heart. Where does YOUR heart conversely take you? *grieves* I recently found out that most of the outside world of dating is baloney. Be you and exist.

Don’t write off this decade for good, but tell yourself the truth that it has been hard. That will help you see beyond that void you feel within your life right now. *It is* hard to deal with because of the emotions involved. There is progress all around, but sometimes not all of it is good development. I think at this point, you’re experiencing your own progress is your very achilles heel, now it’s boomeranging back on you because so far, you rarely experience that successful ladies match any of that what you work towards of you getting yourself expressing for the women you want to seriously with.

What’s important is you recorded all of this and that is the sign that you are fixing it and could fix it.

Edited November 27, 2023 by Alpacalia

[despairingbuttrying]

@d0nnivain

@Wiseman2

@basil67

I recognise all your screen names and we have spoken before and yes looking back on my old posts, you can see I have struggled not just with relationships/dating but life in general, health paranoias and such like.  The last issue is stable and has been for a long time so that's at least something but the long term singleness I guess has always been a major issue. 

Don't get me wrong on these dates I go on, I am turning up as genuine, down to earth, laid back so of course I'm not acting depressed and negative etc. In other words, I'm obviously not verbalising what I've written down in my posts.  When I look back on all the dates I've had over my life, I can't think of a really bad date I've ever had.  No woman has ever walked out or ran off, it's always been a fairly pleasant conversation etc. There were a few who definitely were not interested and that's ok but generally it's been fine.

I suppose though what you might say is that despite all this, perhaps some can sense my uncertainty and disinterest, even on a first meeting...?   Only way of doing so would be to somehow film my dates and see what I talk, body language and generally how I carry myself.  That would be interesting.  Infact, I could, I suppose just record the audio from the date...to listen back to?  Because that at least would give me some insight even if I don't see myself.  

In general, I am very hard on myself because I feel that I have failed as a man, to be single for so long and not have a stable relationship with a woman, let alone a family at this age.  I know that mentality is not helpful.  Like you said though Basil,  it's a bit of painful cycle to get out of. I want to meet someone because that may lift my mood and general well being but then in order to meet the right person, I need to be perhaps more positive but then each setback and continual lack of progress feeds into further frustration. Like someone who needs a job to get experience but can't a job because they want someone experienced...

 

 

Edited November 27, 2023 by despairingbuttrying

[Ami1uwant]

34 minutes ago, despairingbuttrying said:

@d0nnivain

@Wiseman2

@basil67

I recognise all your screen names and we have spoken before and yes looking back on my old posts, you can see I have struggled not just with relationships/dating but life in general, health paranoias and such like.  The last issue is stable and has been for a long time so that's at least something but the long term singleness I guess has always been a major issue. 

Don't get me wrong on these dates I go on, I am turning up as genuine, down to earth, laid back so of course I'm not acting depressed and negative etc. In other words, I'm obviously not verbalising what I've written down in my posts.  When I look back on all the dates I've had over my life, I can't think of a really bad date I've ever had.  No woman has ever walked out or ran off, it's always been a fairly pleasant conversation etc. There were a few who definitely were not interested and that's ok but generally it's been fine.

I suppose though what you might say is that despite all this, perhaps some can sense my uncertainty and disinterest, even on a first meeting...?   Only way of doing so would be to somehow film my dates and see what I talk, body language and generally how I carry myself.  That would be interesting.  Infact, I could, I suppose just record the audio from the date...to listen back to?  Because that at least would give me some insight even if I don't see myself.  

In general, I am very hard on myself because I feel that I have failed as a man, to be single for so long and not have a stable relationship with a woman, let alone a family at this age.  I know that mentality is not helpful.  Like you said though Basil,  it's a bit of painful cycle to get out of. I want to meet someone because that may lift my mood and general well being but then in order to meet the right person, I need to be perhaps more positive but then each setback and continual lack of progress feeds into further frustration. Like someone who needs a job to get experience but can't a job because they want someone experienced...

 

 

Have you ever had relationships?

 

how are you meeting people?

 

why are you pre- judging early on?  I’m you are like…I’ll see what happens is something that can show.

 

 

[despairingbuttrying]

20 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Eeee, I went by choice for several years not to date. Not a SINGLE date. I dunno, maybe I was like a monkette or something.

See, I know many people for whom the past decade was an incredibly tough one, like slipping on a banana peel into the abyss of their greatest fear, doubts and worries. I’ve had to confront a lot of the pain, grief and programming of the past in years in general. And to be sure it has been constant WORK.

Body work, meditation, retreats, education, travel, it has been an endless quest to integrate what I’d been working towards. I definitely have made peace and grown exponentially but I don't know what the heck I am supposed to do in the future. My closest sign of hope is finding "My Voice", now that I have found myself. It's been such a struggle to learn to express myself in general. I feel I have been in a war with myself in forming real and intimate connections with people.

However, I am working on my health and I am getting healthier. I am starting to truly find my voice.

This drop has been up and down. Not going to give you the "Just be patient, the right one will come along eventually" even though I know you expressed frustration with that as well. First of all, listen to yourself when you expressed you don’t really like how your job’s been treating you. Also, I challenge you to consider the maybe at this moment in your life you might actually want to take a step back instead. Get out of that job and give yourself a while to take a breather to pivot.

Yes you need *a year off from everything in life* to just sit and do all the things you need to do you’ve been telling yourself you want to be doing, but haven’t been able to because you’ve been slogging at work you are not really thrilled in.

That’s right. "Frig" the dating apps, the job hustle, the rest of that outside hustle and grind people convince you, fascinatingly enough, is necessary. Forget it all. I feel like at this point you are compromised in that area, and self care is in order to reconnect with yourself. Take into account you seem to still not be sure about your would be dates.

I don’t mean be picky, but be careful. Nobody’s asking you to bypass red flags because you want to get married next year; unrealistic, but also doing that will land you in a ditch in equally little time. Take your time, listen to your heart. Where does YOUR heart conversely take you? *grieves* I recently found out that most of the outside world of dating is baloney. Be you and exist.

Don’t write off this decade for good, but tell yourself the truth that it has been hard. That will help you see beyond that void you feel within your life right now. *It is* hard to deal with because of the emotions involved. There is progress all around, but sometimes not all of it is good development. I think at this point, you’re experiencing your own progress is your very achilles heel, now it’s boomeranging back on you because so far, you rarely experience that successful ladies match any of that what you work towards of you getting yourself expressing for the women you want to seriously with.

What’s important is you recorded all of this and that is the sign that you are fixing it and could fix it.

Thanks for the response @Alpacaliaand I believe we have spoken before.  

I have thought about this, simply quitting this job now which I've been in for 6 years.  The last year though as mentioned in my previous post is becoming dangerous for my mental health I think as time has gone on.  The micro managing boss who is always picking up on minor mistakes, doesn't tolerate mistakes and in other words treats you more like a machine than a human being.  It can be difficult to be charming and engaging and overall content if you have to deal with this in your work.  

Unfortunately I can't just drop everything as I will need to weigh things up, with a mortgage to pay and I'm not young anymore so I can't afford to be unemployed for too long.  I need some sort of plan.  

What are you currently doing with your time now, as in terms of work?

[despairingbuttrying]

On 11/26/2023 at 6:58 PM, ZA Dater said:

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote being in a similar situation myself.

One thing that has helped me is to take the view that each day is an opportunity for me to work on myself and I have found that as stupid as this sounds it does to some extent take away the loneliness, as does keeping busy but these are not the ultimate solutions!

Rejection is never pleasant and I wish I knew how to make it sting less. 

My view is unfortunately with time it becomes a lot harder to date, you become out of step with everyone else which is OK if you can date younger but to be truthful the only people who seem to get this right are those with significant resources or good looks but mostly both.

 

Thanks for the comment and yes on the last point, exactly.  I do honestly believe if I had the high flying, high status career I probably wouldn't be where I am now.  I know at 40 I should have an impressive career, I guess I see myself as a slight failure because I didn't manage that, I didn't achieve the heights of being a medic like my brother and father.  So in that sense, I fell short but in the end I didn't end up choosing anything and going down any path.  Instead choosing random jobs here and there until I ended up with this one because it was reasonably well paid and involved international travel.  So I stayed and now 6 years later I am done (largely due to the micro managing, toxic boss I have to endure 5 days of the week).  

Sorry to hear you're in a similar situation yourself, it's not easy but that's good advice I guess - I'm trying to be kinder to myself and not go down a rut of negativity and despair.  

[Gaeta]

On 11/25/2023 at 1:03 PM, despairingbuttrying said:

Still currently slaving away at my job where I’ve been at for 6 years now, working for a boss who is increasingly neurotic, micro managing and flips out over minor mistakes and I’m desperate to leave but I cannot seem to figure what to do next.  I need to though and asap.  

You figure that out first. Women don't want to date a man that hates his jobs because it transpires in his attitude and it's not attractive. We feel it when a man is not happy with life.

 

 

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, despairingbuttrying said:

I know at 40 I should have an impressive caree

Says who??

Plenty of people change career at 40. I changed career at 39. When l met my ex, he had changed career at 50!! He was happy & motivated, that made him interesting and attractive.

[glows]

Do you think you sound disinterested during dates, OP? Responding to your post a couple of posts up.

A toxic work situation is going to affect someone mentally and emotionally. Early on in my career I used to work for one organization that was so poorly run I was perpetually depressed, lost interest in regular life and was in a real funk until I quit. It was the pits. I hated working there, felt like all my training was wasted but hung on until another role presented itself for double the pay. If you believe you deserve more then go get it. You learned skills at this job, right? If you have professional training and have much more experience now then don’t understate yourself. 

Honestly if you’re that upset about your current work situation and can’t stand your micromanaging boss I’d focus on finding a career you enjoy or finding another role instead of wasting time with dating. People see these transition phases as unstable. Sure, there are the few who see it as inspiring but most people you’ll meet are not going to want to go on a second date with a guy inbetween jobs. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, despairingbuttrying said:

Thanks for the response @Alpacaliaand I believe we have spoken before.  

I have thought about this, simply quitting this job now which I've been in for 6 years.  The last year though as mentioned in my previous post is becoming dangerous for my mental health I think as time has gone on.  The micro managing boss who is always picking up on minor mistakes, doesn't tolerate mistakes and in other words treats you more like a machine than a human being.  It can be difficult to be charming and engaging and overall content if you have to deal with this in your work.  

Unfortunately I can't just drop everything as I will need to weigh things up, with a mortgage to pay and I'm not young anymore so I can't afford to be unemployed for too long.  I need some sort of plan.  

What are you currently doing with your time now, as in terms of work?

Yes. : - )

I chose to go back to school later in life.

For work, project management for Amazon based start-ups and also I help support people with Dementia with getting there lives more organized and in better control while I'm attending school. That I kind of fell into when I was volunteering at the hospital.

Studying Radiology Tech, got my Natural Science degree—just waiting on the nod for the radiology training. Also diving into Health Care Admin classes. Busy, but loving the purpose and mix of things. Hate those 40+ hour weeks with someone treating you like a factory worker instead of the pro you are. If change's possible, do it if you can.

Edited November 28, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ZA Dater]

For what its worth my view is you need to work on your own frame of mind in so much as decide what you actually want and be positive about that, a LOT of the things around dating are actually negative for people who struggle with it.

You overthink but what most people cannot relate to is the absolute hopelessness you feel, I am there often and I need to make a concerted effort to look past that. Frankly my view is the right person will understand your job.

What I do believe to be true is dating becomes more difficult with age, your sense of missing out becomes bigger too and again you need to actively not down down that route. 

Perhaps one thing you need to realize, you are not alone there are many many people who are where you are, struggling with dating, there can be some solace in that.

[mortensorchid]

You might as well ask what the meaning of lofe is while you're at it, because I don't know that either.  Show me one person on this earth who has all thr answers and has it all together.  That person does not exist.  The only thing anyone can say to you is : keep trying.  Those situations were not right for some reason - sometimes they are not right for VERY OBVIOUS situations - so it didn't pan out.  You never know what can and will happen to you, me or anyone else out there.  It's all the whim of chances and strangeness.

I was 47 and had given up more or less when it happened for me.  The last time I had been with someone seriously was 12/13 years before, I thought I was done.  My boyfriend (who I have been with for a year and a half now) thought he was done too.  He had a girlfriend he was off and on with for 15 years, broken up for 2 once and for all by the time we met.  And we're happy.  So ot can and does happen.  Don't loose hope.